Little did I know
You know that feeling when you're totally in love with someone, when they like you back, when you stare deep in each other's eyes from across the school's auditorium, when you accidentally bump into each other in front of your locker and then when he asks you out you end your perfect date night with a super romantic kiss? Well trust me I don't. I kissed boys before obviously, like hello I'm not 12 anymore… But I never actually really loved a boy. I never really loved anyone before. Little would I know that this all changed the moment I kissed Karma. And yes, I don't believe it either but I, Amy Raudenfeld, definitely have feelings now.
To tell you the truth, I had never considered even the slightest possibility of me being a lesbian. It just never occurred to me. That's why the whole "Let's be lesbians" thing was so absurd to me. I mean, I am not gay. At least I thought I wasn't. Let me take you back to that life changing moment at our prom queen speech.
"Karma, Amy, is this true?" That what our principal said after Lauren just spilled our whole plan in front of the entire school. Karma looked at me. I will never forget that look, those beautiful eyes, normally sparkling with joy and optimism, were sad and she looked really disappointed. How I felt at that moment is hard to explain. I could not bear seeing Karma like that. And when Karma started with "We can explain" I had to jump in. I had to stop her social suicide that was about to happen. "If we're faking it, would I do this?" And that ladies and gentlemen is probably the most impulsive thing I have ever done in my life. I grabbed her, putted both my hands around her waist and leant in. I kissed her. I kissed Karma. I never felt so complete in my life, I heard noises in the background because everybody was cheering but I didn't even care. Before I knew it Karma slowly pulled away and looked at me. Her sad eyes had lit up again and she said "wow". I was wondering for a sec actually "Did she felt the same way as I did? Was this as mind-blowing for her as it was for me?" All my hopes on that part were crushed when she said "way to sell it". I just stood there, trying to smile but inside it felt weird. So full of feelings I didn't understand. Karma grabbed my sweaty hand and for one time in my life I was so glad that Karma always did the talking because I could say a word.
So yeah, do you understand now why I am so incredibly messed up by this? Kissing your best friend is one thing, but liking it is a whole other matter. I couldn't keep the image of her beautiful face with that cute little smile out of my mind. And those lips, so soft and tender. This couldn't continue right? It was really wrong. When Karma and I were sitting on the bench waiting for the bus that same afternoon, I was going to tell her. Tell her that this had to stop. "Karma, I " that how I tried to start but when she looked at me, when her glowing and happy eyes crossed mine I knew I couldn't. She was so happy, how could I ruin this for her? "Never mind" is the only thing I could bring up.
To be continued….
Did you like it? And do you wanna read more of Amy's diary? Let me know and I'll write the next part!