` I feel special when he looks at me.
I mean, how could you not? He looks at you with those deep, concerned, caring, and very old eyes, and all you can do is look back and wonder. How could one man (and I use the word man loosely) make you feel like the only star in the sky. God knows he has seen millions, if not billions of stars, but when he looks at you, you feel like the brightest. Sometimes he blinks, not always, but he does. It's charming. It's almost as if he doesn't want to waste a second not looking at you. His eyes so big and bright, barely moving out of your direction. When he looks at you, he is looking at no one and nothing else. His eyes, mind, and soul are locked in your direction and you feel so…. special. I know he means what he says when his eyes sparkle. It's like he has a snowflake behind each iris, and when the light catches it, it glitters. He never focuses on just one aspect of your face, but rather his eyes roam and absorb, like he wants to memorize every line and detail. It's almost magical.
Sometimes he touches me when he looks at me.
His hands usually like to stray at my shoulders. His grip tight and firm, like he wants to ingrain his words into my body. Sometimes they shake me, once, twice, three times. No more than that. And every second he is touching me I feel so aware of him. He is a step, if not two away, and seems to be comfortable with the distance. If I moved an inch closer he might notice, but I doubt it. He is too entranced by my face…with my being… to notice anything so slight. It is a good day when one of his hands shift to my face, cradling it for just a second. His thumb grazes the line of my cheek bone as I try not to shudder. He cups my face so gently that I feel like china. Which is rare for me since I feel quite opposite about myself, but when he does that I feel like I could break at the slightest movement. It is also a good day when he takes one of my hands in his own. He might stroke it quickly with one with hand while he holds it in the other, or he might just hold it in the simplest way, making me equally happy. It is a great day when he pecks me on the forehead. His lips touch my skin gently and my eyes flutter at the action. He does it with so much care that I can't even begin to understand the reasoning behind it. He is never just looking at me, he is absorbing me…. and it is quite the experience.
He speaks with such….passion.
Everything he says has such emotion behind it. I can't find any reason not to believe him. He could say something completely ridiculous but with such energy, motivation, and drive that I wouldn't doubt him for a second. He makes you want it. And by it, I mean time, space, travel, different worlds, adventures, and friendship. The first time I met him I thought he was insane. I mean, he was dressed as a monk and talked about a big, blue telephone box like it could actually move. He came to my door and expected me to open it for him. Now, I would open any door for that man. He says my name like no one else on this planet, or any for that matter. It just rolls off his tongue. I never thought my name was beautiful until I heard him speak it out loud. He likes it too, that much is obvious. He says it whenever he can: Clara this and Clara that, and Clara STOP IT. I don't think I'll ever get sick of hearing him say it.
His words stop and still time (which I find ironic because he is constantly moving through it).
"The thing about a time machine though, you can run away all you like and still be home in time for tea, so what do you say? Anywhere. All of time and space right outside those doors." Our first adventure together, it seems like such a long time ago. He saved me from living a life inside a computer. But if I'm being honest here, he saved me from so much more. All I ever wanted to do was travel, but how could I leave my friends who needed me more than I needed anything? He took me into his box and showed me so much more than the world. He gave me the universe, while incorporating the idea that I could still be there for the people I loved. He said this thrilling, frightening, and life changing statement and I wanted to jump at the chance. I was ready, in that moment, to do something adventurous with my life. He needn't say any more, I was going to say yes. But I didn't. In the end, Clara Oswald is nothing if not analytical and responsible. I needed, for my mind's own wellbeing, to sleep on it. But, the point being he said this amazing thing with so much life and just a hint of obsession that it drew me in and I can't ever see myself being drawn out.
"You, no one else. Clara." I remind him of someone who died. Not only do I find this slightly morbid, but also quite interesting. I told him that I was traveling as me and no one else. He just smiled. It was a small smirk, one that only comes on his face when he knows something I don't know. I have a love-hate relationship with that smirk. On one hand, it is very charming, on the other, I feel like smacking him and demanding he tells me everything he knows. But once again, he said my name and made me feel special. I scolded him and he listened, saying the most perfect thing he could say in that moment. He handed me my mother's ring which I thought was gone forever and I couldn't have liked him more. That's the moment when I knew we were friends. He cared about me and I cared about him. We were equals in that small way.
We were on that tiny submarine with a bunch of men and a very scary Ice Warrior. It was the first time that I wasn't sure about my place with the Doctor. I could see that he knew his own job. His job was and will always be to save others, to save the world, and the universe. He knows exactly what needs to be done and is willing to give his life for others. He will always be willing to give his life for others. Of course, I wanted to help solve the problem of the super scary green man, but didn't know how to go about it. After I ended up in that room talking with the Ice Warrior and it didn't go exactly to plan, I asked the Doctor how I did. He found it unusual that I would ever doubt myself. "How did I do?" I asked like a child, "great." I didn't believe him, "really?" He took my face in his hand, "Really." Once again, he looked at me with those wise eyes and gave me a small smile. He was so sincere, there was so much meaning behind that one word. I believed him. That was all it took.
"You are the only mystery worth solving." I was talking about the human race. I wanted to know what we humans were to the Doctor. His answer seemed both right and wrong. It was as if he was talking only about me. I was a mystery that he felt he needed to solve, not the whole human race. Even though I wanted a more direct answer about his feelings toward humans, as soon as the words were out of his mouth, I was content. He had made me feel….warm. Though I can never be sure if he was specifically talking about me, I will never remember his answer describing anyone else. He had said exactly the right thing to get me to shut up and wonder instead. Something about the Doctor tells me he would rather me wonder than ask him difficult questions on any day.
"I need to know if you feel safe." Those 7 little words were perfect. The fact that he was worried about my own feelings made my heart ache. Those 7 little words told me that he truly and completely cared. He wanted to make sure I was okay. Me. Cara Oswald. There are so many people and creatures in this universe to worry about and he was worried about little, old me. I didn't let him see how much that sentence meant to me, but I did make sure he knew that the TARIDS, time, space, and he was what I wanted. Later, after, I felt like my blood warmed a few degrees and that there was nothing that could bring me down. As long as the Doctor cared and worried about me, I was going to be the safest person in the universe.
"Yeah lot's." So that was a great day. He kissed my forehead quickly and I couldn't help but smile brightly. He missed me. He missed my cleverness and ability to bring him down from his own little world. The Doctor always managed to make me feel useful. I felt like he actually benefited from my presence. The best thing about traveling with the Doctor is that he needs you. He needs you more than he ever lets on, and every once and a while he shows you. When I made that statement about the chimneys I could tell he was impressed. Sometimes, not even the Doctor can catch every little detail and that is why he brings a clever human with him. I love when he kisses my forehead. If I could pick one sign of affection from the Doctor to receive every day, it would be that kiss. Not only was he telling me he missed me, but he was showing me. Those tiny kisses mean so much more than I know and I have a determination to know.
"Clara. I suppose I'm the only one who knows how I feel about you right now. How funny you are… so funny. How pretty. And the truth is I'm starting to like you in a way that is more than just…." I slapped him then, because it obviously wasn't him. He might tell me I'm clever, funny, or pretty on a normal basis, but he would never admit to liking me beyond our friendship. Never in a million years would he do that. I know him too well, he would rather die than say those words. But nevertheless, his mouth said them. His face and eyes were looking at me and he was saying these things that took my breath away. It doesn't matter that it wasn't him, because that thing inside him knew the Doctor's thoughts. He knew what the Doctor was thinking and has thought in the past, so there is no chance that those words happened without any fore knowledge. They had to be backed up behind some reasoning. Right? I mean, they had to be. Of course, I could be wrong, but for some reason my gut tells me differently. On the other hand, it isn't something I want to dwell too much on. It's not good for a girls mind to hang on such topics, especially when the Doctor is involved. Especially then.
My mind strays when he looks and talks to me like that.
I have so many questions. Where did you come from? Where is your family…friends? What do you mean "impossible girl?" Why do you seem so sad at times? Where does all that energy come from? Why does the TARDIS hate me? Where did you even get the TARDIS? How are you okay knowing one day the world will end? Do you miss anyone? How exactly do you feel about me? Where did that fashion sense come from? Do you think my hair looks better straight or slightly curled at the end? Why are we always getting into trouble? Do you ever sleep? How many bow ties do you have? Do you ever wish you had done things differently? I'm obviously not the first, so who came before me? How old are you? Is there anywhere you haven't been? Is there anything you haven't seen? Have you ever been in love? And for god's sake, what is your name?
Did you know that the Doctor has a small scar on his forehead? You can't see it unless you really look, but it's there. I wonder where he got it from. His one eye twitches when get gets excited and it almost looks like he is winking, but he isn't. His smile tends to curve up more to the right when he is smirking, but when he really smiles it takes up his whole face. If you're close enough you can hear both his hearts beating in unison. It really is one of the most magical things I have ever heard. I wonder if that means he loves and feels so much more than the average person. He bends his head down when he talks to me. It is most likely because of my height, but I find it charming that he wants to accommodate me and my needs. When he puts his head close like that, it is hard for me to focus on anything except his eyes and mouth. His mouth forms words so carefully and he speaks with such clarity. I never have a hard time understanding him. He always has a slight smirk on his face when he knows I am watching, like he is thinking about something amusing. When he doesn't know I'm watching, I find the opposite. Sometimes it's a scowl, like he is trying to figure out a hard math problem that won't give. Sometimes it's a frown and he looks sad and wise beyond my years. I want to know everything behind those looks. What makes him sad? I feel like I need to help smooth over his wounds, though I don't know what they are. If he would just tell me…
He has so much hair that I am in awe and sometimes I imagine running my fingers through it. I feel like bowties are cool. How could I not when he wears them with such style and confidence? And the way those suspenders hold his pants up in just the right way…..
"Clara? Hello, Clara? Are you alright over there? We just arrived. Are you ignoring me? I feel like you might be ignoring me."
I snapped my head up too look at the Doctor. His face was concerned and he was looking at me like I was having a mental breakdown. I shook myself out of my thoughts, this wasn't the first or even third time this has happened. The day dreams seemed to be impossible to stop.
"Of course I'm not ignoring you, you moron. Actually, I was just thinking about you."
"Ah, care to enlighten the less fortunate?"
No…no I don't.