Title: Virus
Author: Courtaline
'Verse: Twilight
Pairings/Characters: All canon pairings.
Rating: PG-13/K+
Disclaimer: S. Meyers owns all things Twilight. Not me. Thank you to her for allowing us to play with her characters.
Summary: And all the pieces fell together as she figured it out, and now she was ashamed of her actions. Edward hasn't ever felt this way before.
Table/Prompt: Phrases/"I've Never Felt This Way Before"
Notes: This is set after the scene in Twilight (book!verse) when Alice and Edward go hunting with one another.
--
"Edward?" Rosalie's deceptively beautiful musical voice carried past herself and Emmett as Edward walked past her. Recently, Alice had decided personally that Rosalie's voice was capable of carrying a deceivingly gorgeous, cruel tone. It was something that she hadn't ever noticed before. But then again, she hadn't had much experience with her sister's cruelty previously. "Edward."
The second time, he turned back to look at her, his eyes flickering over all of them blankly, before settling back on her. "Yes?" His tone was controlled, polite, empty; all of which had been the average response from him lately.
Alice decided that he already knew what she was going to say as his eyes flickered in a way that she didn't like. It worried her, now that she knew the truth. She wished that Rosalie, all of them really, could be more sensitive to his current situation.
"I've just been wondering, are you only going to be satisfied when you get all of us killed?" Her eyelashes fluttered over her eyes as she spoke.
Alice was surprised by the lack of response that Edward showed her. It was so unlike the brother she knew, but then again, Edward was so unlike the Edward she had known for so many decades anymore.
Edward turned his back on her, and loped with restrained grace up the stairs. She was sure now that Rose really was taking this to far, no matter what the rest of them thought, Edward was their brother and they should be supporting him.
"Rosalie, really!" Alice looked off in the direction that Edward had stalked off in; furious, hurt, angry, insulted…maybe all of the above. "Do you really think that was necessary?"
Rosalie rolled her eyes, pink lips widening into a small 'o'.
"Right." Her tone bordered on sarcasm, "I forgot. Alice, likes the human too."
"It wasn't difficult." Alice said pointedly, ignoring the mean lilt in Rosalie's tone. "She means Edward no harm, she's very sweet, and--"
Alice stopped her defense abruptly, it wasn't her place to say anything that Edward had shared with her in confidence, or anything that she had seen in his future. If Jasper had ever been right about anything, it was that just because you can see something, doesn't mean you have to share it.
"And what?" Rosalie prompted, her tone no more gentle than it had been with Edward.
Alice supposed that they could have made for a threatening sight to any outsider--human or vampire. Rosalie's graceful pose was tainted with aggression, and as much as she tried to keep a calm façade, she was hurt and angry on Edward's behalf. Jasper and Emmett stood at their respective sides, neither wanting to become involved in their dispute, but willing to intervene if need be; to stop them if the verbal lashing became a physical altercation. Well fine then, very well, Alice decided, if Jasper and Emmett didn't want to choose a side, it wasn't her place to make them. She however could not stand silent while Edward was persecuted for the choice he'd made. It made her so angry no one was even willing to try and understand how Edward felt, why he was doing what he was. She supposed that had been why he had been so forthcoming, coming to her with so little prompting on her behalf.
"You know, you can talk to me about her." Alice treaded carefully because even though Edward was not generally irritable, especially after working out his aggressions through hunting, she proceeded with care, as anymore, Edward's mood swings were so unpredictable.
Edward barely registered any emotion to her words, and so she continued, taking it as a free pass.
"She seems nice."
Her sudden, seemingly positive, opinion in regard to Bella had Edward turning abruptly to look at her.
"You mean that." It was a statement. "You like Bella."
He paused and she knew what he was doing, he was reading her thoughts. He hadn't bothered with that lately, and she didn't blame him, everyone was generally open about their thoughts regarding he and Bella.
"No." He shook his head, controlled, reading her mind carefully. "You would like to like her."
"Only because I'm worried about you Edward. And, I don't quite understand. If her scent calls so strongly to you, why do you torture yourself?"
"You're right." Edward told her, "You don't understand."
Edward squeezed his eyes shut, wishing it was as easy as that to close out…everything. He stood like that for a very long moment--to Alice, it felt like an eternity--he stood silent and unmoving with no clue in the slightest to his action, or his feelings.
Alice sometimes thought she would envy Jasper for his gift, if she didn't know better.
"You couldn't possibly understand," He whispered, his eyes finally opening, as if he was coming to terms with an ugly truth.
And in the space of a moment, she did. She understood it all.
This had nothing to do with Edward's masochistic self-torture, not in the way she had thought at the very least. It was worse, and it made sense finally…
She had a conclusive answer to it all.
Edward loved her. Edward loved this human girl, and she loved him in return. And Alice knew, they were wrong, because she would never intentionally do anything to cause their brother any harm in the least. Soon, one day in the not so distant future, Bella would be Edward's wife.
"Edward, I'm sorry." She thought of all the things they had thought of him, and hoped that he wasn't reading her mind.
He barely looked at her, and thus she doubted he was.
"So am I."
Things between herself and Rosalie had been…tense ever since that time; ever since the moment she'd even--maybe--surpassed Carlisle in her support of Edward. Carlisle had told Edward to do what made him happy, as long as he could assure him that he would proceed with care, that as concerned as he was, he understood that Edward was going to do what he had to do.
It was truly an insult upon herself that she hadn't even been able to figure it out until Edward had spelled it all out for her.
"And what, Alice? What is it that makes that human so special that we should welcome her into our family with open arms, and no concern to the threat she causes to our well being?"
"Nothing." Alice did her best to sound completely disinterested. "Absolutely nothing. You can dislike her all you want Rosalie, but I see now, Bella and I are going to be great friends."
Rosalie only looked at her in stunned outrage for a moment, and then she surprised Alice by looking to Jasper, instead of her with one of her usual retorts.
"Well, that sounds really safe, doesn't it Jasper?" Rosalie's eyes fluttered innocently, but Alice saw right through her plan. "I'm sure that becoming friendly with humans now, is absolutely conducive to our safety."
Jasper didn't move to say anything, but Alice could see that he was thinking about every word that she had said. She was sure he had thought about it before, but never connecting her with it, only Edward.
"We've been safe for decades." Alice argued, "Carlisle works with humans every single day. Bella wouldn't do anything to threaten our way of life."
"Your acting just as foolish as Edward!" Rosalie objected angrily, "It will serve you right if you both get killed."
Jasper's eyes narrowed angrily now, and he hissed furiously at Rosalie. Alice watched Emmett's reaction of shock as the cruel words left Rosalie's mouth and he grabbed her arm, pulling her closer to him and looking her directly in the eye.
Alice took Jasper's hand--his muscles tensing angrily, still--as calmly as she could and pulled him in the direction of the staircase. It really had gone even worse than she had thought it would. Rosalie was immovable.
"Are you trying to alienate the entire family, Rose?" Emmett's tone was pointed, but he didn't yell. He never yelled at her, he loved her too much.
Sometimes he thought he loved her more than he thought was possible.
Rosalie stared at him unblinkingly.
"I'm not alienating anyone. I'm merely stating facts, Emmett. Edward is acting like a imprudent child, and I'm the only one honest enough to say it, instead of encouraging him," Her eyes flicked in the direction that Alice and Jasper had departed in, "Or condoning it." This time her glance fell in the direction of Carlisle's office.
"Really, Rose, you really think that you know better than Carlisle?"
Rosalie frowned, "Carlisle has always indulged Edward, you know he has, Emmett. This is just yet another instance of it."
"You are being unnecessarily cruel, Rosalie. Do you even care that Edward isn't speaking to us anymore? That you are clearly hurting him with your judgments? What does it matter what this girl is or isn't, we're family Rose, no matter what, remember that?"
Rosalie's eyes flashed angrily. "Apparently I'm the only one that does Emmett, in case you forgot, everyone else has, part of being a family is that we protect our own. But maybe you forgot that part. Even if everyone else wants to just give Edward whatever he wants, at least I care enough to do what's best for him."
Rosalie turned on her heels, and Emmett was left standing there to wallow in her words. It wasn't fair for her to think of them that way. They all wanted what was best for Edward, but maybe it wasn't their place to decide what was best for their brother.
Upstairs, Edward lay on his couch, Bach's Sinfonias inside of the stereo system that was the entire focal point of his room. Music, at the very least, in all times had not ever let him down. It was predictable.
E minor, B minor, C major…
He knew what to expect from the moment he settled back to listen. Like a soothing lullaby lulling him into the security of the moment. That for this moment, right now, everything was going to be okay.
His family hated him, for the most part. He couldn't bear to read most of their thoughts, except Alice. She had surprised him with her…acceptance after the afternoon of hunting. More than accepted this, she urged him, not to let Bella slip away from him.
He wanted more than anything to do that, and yet, it felt too selfish. Bella was like a brilliant, stunningly beautiful composition, he had none to compare her to, none that were similar to the beauty she projected.
What right did he have to her, he a vampire, a monster whose every instinct was a threat to her preservation…
What right did he have to keep her to himself, and to deny the world of her.
Just because he loved her was not excuse enough to do such a thing. Just because he had never felt that way about…anything was not reason enough, was it?
And yet, he didn't know how to deny himself of her when every inch of himself begged for her.
When everything he was ached for her.
Alice sat for a long while and watched, in silence Jasper watch her. At different moments, she thought that he would speak, but then he didn't.
With Jasper, her abilities never foretold everything. Sometimes she was happy for that--even though she didn't remember what it was like to be human--to just pretend they were a happy normal, human couple. And then their were moments like this, where she all but willed a vision of the events to come.
"You've already seen what is to happen to Edward haven't you?" These were Jasper's first words to her in a great while.
Alice nodded her head, silent still.
"You think that she isn't a danger." This was a statement, she knew Jasper knew her feelings full well regarding Bella.
She didn't blame him of course, it wasn't Jasper's fault that he couldn't understand the situation like she could. He hadn't seen their future with Bella like she had, and so he could only think about it in his strategic way.
And so, he worried about her well being.
"Bella and I are going to be great friends one day Jasper." Alice told him honestly, hoping that would help.
"And you see nothing bad coming from Edward's involvement with a human. With our family's involvement?"
"I know what I see Jasper. Bella can't be removed. She's going to be a part of this family."
"You want her to be."
"We are going to be great friends." Alice repeated, wanting so badly to tell Jasper everything. Every minute detail of her vision.
Jasper nodded his head slowly, and didn't pressure her for more. She was thankful for that; Jasper didn't ever push.
"We've been unfair to Edward." Jasper said finally.
Alice brightened as he paused, but Jasper quickly continued. "That doesn't mean that I think Rosalie is entirely wrong Alice, she can be a danger. Above all, this girl is a human."
Not forever.
"She makes Edward happy."
"She makes him miserable." Jasper corrected, his insight into Edward's emotional state grossly helpful in his argument. "But if he allowed her to, I think she would make him happy."
She could see from the look across Jasper's face that his own conclusion did not please him.
"We have no control over who we love." Jasper murmured, turning the idea over in his head as he spoke.
Alice smiled, Jasper was on her side.
"Please don't look at me like that," He asked her.
He was worried about her, she knew that was the only thing holding him back. She wished she could tell him not to, but that was impossible.
Jasper loved her, thus he would always worry about her.
Jasper stood up suddenly, "I think I'm going to go talk to Edward."
Alice nodded her head solemnly, she thought that was an excellent idea.
Edward was distracting himself--or trying, at the very least--by mentally dissecting the complicated and long memorized pattern of C minor, when a sharp knock on his door shattered his mental deliberation.
"I want to be alone." Edward called, his voice clipped. Jasper.
He didn't really care much for Jasper to impart any wisdom on him. He was just fine without anyone else's opinion, it was bad enough he heard what they thought. Jasper though, Jasper was questionable. There were times when he had put so much effort into trying to read his brother's mind only to come up with a great blank, however, this was one instance in which he had no desire to know his brother's thoughts.
Spoken, or otherwise.
Jasper pushed the door open, and entered quietly, quickly closing the door behind him.
Edward frowned, "I said I want to be alone, Jasper. That's still allowed, isn't it?" Edward asked, a point lingering on the end of his words.
Jasper ignored the jab, like the rest of them, he likely deserved it. He had been no more fair than his siblings, or supportive.
"No," Jasper corrected him. "You're lonely, Edward….there is a difference."
"Thanks so much for informing me," Edward remarked sarcastically, "I hope it hasn't bothered you too greatly."
Jasper took a breath, Edward could sometimes try the entirety of his human instincts for patience. He considered being honest and telling Edward that he had no idea how truly difficult it was to be in his vicinity and not to manipulate his misery into something else. He decided that would not make for the progress he was attempting however.
"Edward, please, be sensible for just a moment."
Edward's eyes became a steely glare, but he said nothing.
Jasper was aware that his brother had all but had it with their family's judgments, but he was going to have to listen.
"You love her." Jasper stated, "You love this human girl very much."
Edward nodded his head once, and tried to read Jasper's mind. It was difficult however, whatever it was that Jasper wanted to tell him, he wanted to say it.
"You wouldn't understand." Edward muttered, no one understood. Except for Alice, somehow she did…but sometimes he wondered how she could possibly understand when sometimes, he even felt like he couldn't.
"I understand more than you think." As much as he wished he couldn't he could see past Edward's stiff armor to the deep feelings, the love, the ache he suffered from. He could feel the misery that Edward had from not being with her, the torture that he inflicted upon himself for feeling the way he did, and the happiness when Edward was with her….the happiness was intoxicating.
Edward shook his head, he could see that Jasper thought he did; that he was positive that he knew exactly how he felt and he was so wrong.
"I understand…" Jasper's voice trailed off as he looked into Edward's eyes, every argument that he had caught in his throat.
"Understand what?" Edward's tone was icy. "Understand how it feels to find your other half, your absolute reason for being and having to deny yourself of that person. Of knowing what it feels like to realize that you could break them into pieces as easy as kissing them?"
Edward paused and Jasper felt himself stagger under Edward's tumultuous emotional state. Logic had no place in some parts of life, Alice had taught him that much…
"You could never understand how it feels to find your mate, and not be able to have her. So please, just leave me alone." Edward's tone quieted.
"Very well. You're right, Edward." Jasper couldn't leave until he finished. Alice was right. "But I am not leaving until you listen to what I have to say."
Edward shrugged as if he couldn't care less, but didn't look at his brother.
"She can be a danger, not only to you, but to our entire family. You know as well as I do that if things ended badly for her we would have to disappear into hiding for a great length of time."
Edward seethed as Jasper spoke. It would not end that way, he would not allow Bella to come to such ends.
"Your instinct is to protect her because you love her, I can feel that. No matter what kind of danger may come from an association with her, you can't separate yourself from her if you feel like that. You're too entangled to walk away now."
Edward froze as Jasper's words began to sink in, this was not what he had expected his brother to tell him.
He searched Jasper's mind, to see if he was really saying what he thought, or some twist on things that Alice had asked him to say.
He should have known better however.
You can't run away from the one you love.
"If she is the one for you," Jasper paused, "I understand, and I'm here if you need anything."
Edward was stunned between Jasper's words and thoughts.
"You don't think that I am foolish to go through with this."
"Carlisle is correct, Edward. We should have known better than to contest his conclusion….it was foolish." Jasper smiled wryly. "If you love her, you will do what you need to do, and I do not begrudge you that."
"But, nonetheless, you will worry about Alice." Edward completed Jasper's thought.
I always will.
Edward's gaze fell to his window, the moon was up.
'You'll be leaving?" Jasper prompted.
"I like to watch her sleep." Edward murmured, "She likes for me to watch her sleep."
Jasper nodded his head, "Please be careful."
Edward bounded out the window before the words were out of his mouth and Jasper decided that no matter what, he would keep a close eye on his brother.
The stakes were too high now to do anything but that.