A/N: So I got bored. You wanna judge? Fine. But I'm judging your mom. Song is There! Right There! From Legally Blonde the musical.
"What's yaoi?" Italy one day asked the Axis. Japan and Germany began to cough and sputter out whatever they were drinking, and both Spain and Prussia began to laugh, falling over to the side.
"Yeah, I've been curious too. Tell me, tomato bastard!" Romano demanded.
"Well… When two men-"
"It's serious guy on guy action. Like hot, sweaty sex and all that nastiness," Prussia interrupted.
Italy stared. "Like, when Japan and Mr. Greece are in the bathroom together during meetings? Or when Romano and me pull each other's curls?" Of course, at this statement, Japan and Romano turned as red as tomatoes, burying faces in hands, and both Germany and Spain started to nosebleed right there. Prussia of course laughed while Romano throttled his brother.
"Well, it also means that the men involved in the yaoi are gay," Japan after a few moments of embarrassment. Did Italy know anyone who was gay?
Italy looked over at the English man near him, smiling and pointing. "There! Right There! Look at that tan, that tinted skin. Look at the killer shape he's in. Look at that slightly stubbly chin. Oh please he's gay, totally gay."
Germany shook his head. "I'm not about to celebrate. Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate. This guy's not gay, I say not gay."
The Axis looked at eachother, speaking in synche. "That is the elephant in the room. Well is it relevant to assume that a man who wears perfume is automatically radically fey?"
"But look at his coiffed and crispy locks," Romano said.
"Look at his silk translucent socks," Italy agreed.
"There's the eternal paradox. Look what we're seeing," Germany explained. "Is he gay?"
"Of course he's gay!" the twins exclaimed.
"Or European?"
"Gay or European? It's hard to guarantee. Is he gay or European?" they all sang.
"Well, hey, don't look at me!" Spain protested.
"You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports. They play peculiar sports," Japan informed.
"In shiny shirts and tiny shorts. Gay or foreign fella? The answer could take weeks. They will say things like "ciao bella" while they kiss you on both cheeks."
"Oh please," the twins said.
"Gay or European? So many shades of gray!" they all whined.
"Depending on the time of day, the French go either way," Spain snickered.
"Is he gay or European? Or-"
"There! Right There! Look at that condescending smirk. Seen it on every guy at work. That is a metro hetero jerk. That guy's not gay, I say no way!" Prussia protested.
"That is the elephant in the room. Well is it relevant to presume that a hottie in that costume-"
"Is automatically-radically, certainly pertin'tly, genetically medically GAY! OFFICIALLY GAY! OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY-" the three Italians stopped, looking over to the British man once more, now flirting with a girl with black hair, tied back with a ribbon.
"DAMNIT!" they shouted.
"Gay or European?" Japan muttered.
"So stylish and relaxed," Italy giggled.
"Is he gay or European?" Japan continued.
"I think his chest is waxed," Romano laughed.
"You see, they bring their boys up different, there it's culturally diverse. It's not a fashion curse if he wears a skirt or bears a purse," Japan interrupted the twins.
"Gay or just exotic? I still can't crack the code," Germany whined.
"His accent is hypotonic though his shoes are pointy toed," Spain pointed out.
Germany huffed.
"Gay or European? So many shades of gray."
"But if he turns out straight, I'm free at eight on Saturday!" Hungary sang as she walked by.
"Is he gay or European? Gay or European? Gay or euro-"
"Wait a minute. I have an idea I'd like to try!" Spain interrupted.
Prussia gestured to the man, giving Spain permission to approach. "The floor is yours."
"Excuse me, Mr. Kirkland?" Spain asked, poking the English man in the shoulder. The man turned and nodded at Spain, acknowledging his existence. "So, you're flirting with Seychelles, aren't you? How long have you two been together?"
"Two years," he answered.
"And your first name again?"
"Arthur."
"And your boyfriend's name?"
"Alfred."
A collective gasp was heard.
"No! I thought you said best friend, not boyfriend! My best friend is Alfred."
"You idiot! You lying moron!" Alfred shrieked dramatically, standing up from his (unusually) quiet spot in the corner. "I won't cover for you anymore! People! I have a big announcement! This man is gay AND European, and neither is his place! You cannot stop his being a completely closet case! He is not all he seems, no matter what they say! I swear he never ever ever swayed the other way!" This time, he turned on Arthur.
"You are so gay! You big parfait! You flaming boy band cabaret!" Alfred shrieked.
"I'm straight!" Arthur insisted to Seychelles.
"You were not yesterday," Hungary said, holding a video camera.
"So, if I may," Prussia interrupted, "I'm proud to say he's gay!"
"And European!" Germany inserted.
"And gay!" Italy giggled.
"And European!" Japan pointed out.
"And gay! My god, we could'a figured that out from Hungary's tapes!" Romano snapped.
A/N: Shot dead. Shot I am. I am dead.