"Suicide carries in its aftermath a level of confusion and devastation that is beyond description." - Kay Jamison
Kevin woke up with tears on his face. His crying woke him up. With his nose plugged up terribly and his chest aching, he stood up and wobbled upstairs to the bathroom. When he turned the lights on, he could barely keep his eyes open. The lights seemed like acid to his eyes. He ran the cold water and splashed some onto his eyelids, which brought very little relief. He looked at his reflection disgusted.
His face was swollen and puffy, with red around his painfully bloodshot eyes. Bags laid under his eyes, signs of his irregular sleeping patterns. His nose, bright red, was stuffed up and dripping with snot. It wasn't just his physical appearance that disgusted him. His deeply disturbing dreams haunted him repeatedly, making him feel sick. They were a constant reminder of what he was trying to forget. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see the blood.
Kevin shut off the water and got a wad of toilet paper to blow his nose with. Once he could breathe out of his nostrils again, he looked into to mirror. As he looked into his own eyes, he started crying again. His sobs shook his whole body as he looked at himself crying. He looked so pathetic and hated to see tears fall from his own eyes, but if he looked away, he'd see him.
Edd.
It had been four months since graduation day. It was the day everyone waited for. Their school years, full of growing friendship, drama, and knowledge within the Peach Creek School District was over. Everyone would go their separate ways, but they all promised to keep in touch. Edd graduated the top of his class, with straight A's and a scholarship to the college of his dreams. He was valedictorian, and had much more going for him that just school. In freshman year, Kevin and him fell in love.
Everyone said they were too young, but they didn't listen. Their passion and pure sincerity continued to senior year. They never dreamed of leaving each other. They were eachothers firsts. First kiss, first love, first boyfriend. They held eachothers virginity, and that was irreplaceable. They planned their future together. They talked about moving away to a nicer town and adopting children. They talked about their wedding and how everything would look. They talked as if they had all the time in the world. That's how it is when you're in love. But the time they had together soon ended, though the love is still strong.
When Edd prepared for his valedictory speech, he started to act different. When Kevin asked what was wrong, every time he always got the same answer. "Nothing. I'm fine." Kevin brushed it off, assuming his boyfriend was just stressed about speaking in front of an audience. He always worried too much. Kevin left a note that day to Edd and slipped it in his locker. A few simple lines of encouragement with an "I love you" incorporated into it. Kevin thought it would help. Right before he went up to give his speech, Kevin kissed him and whispered in his ear, "Good luck, sweetie. I love you."
Edd didn't say anything back.
When he finished the speech, he paused for a second, and reached in his gown, into his pants and pulled out a hand gun. He looked into the audience and said, "I always knew I'd to out with a big bang" before putting the barrel in his mouth and pulling the trigger.
The amount of blood was insane. It gushed out, staining the floor. Much more blood than anyone had ever seen before. Kevin still sees it in his head everyday. That one last phrase echoed on in his dreams. He would constantly wake up in sobs and for the first three weeks, friends stayed over, taking turns watching him until he felt safe to be alone. But even alone, he did t function well.
He'd read the note Edd left over and over until he memorised it. He even got a tattoo of his handwriting within the first two months of Edd's death. He read the obituary over and over, and watched videos of them together. The roses from his funeral were in a purple vase on his nightstand, and the house still reeked of flowers people had sent. Sympathy cards were on every end table, and his heart still ached. Every call, every "How are you holding up?" was like salt in his sliced up heart.
Tonight was a bad night. He took off his shirt and his fingers stroked Edd's handwriting over his heart. With tears still falling, he dialled Nazz, but couldn't form actual words, just one. "Nazz." She came over immediately with Rolf and they calmed Kevin down. His eyes were still watering as he fell asleep.