"I want what you want, whatever you need."
She looked up at the man she had tried so hard not to love. All the defenses were down this time. She didn't know if it was the grief or the lack of sleep or how close they had been lately. But she just couldn't do it anymore. She had to finally be honest with herself. She had to let him in this time. It hurt too much not to. So before she could think and decide not to, she let out the words "Tony, what I need is you..." The words were whispered and held all the emotion she had felt for so long. She lowered her eyes, so she couldn't watch his response.
He had her in his arms a split second later and she completely fell apart as he held her close. He backed them up so they could sit on a pew and her head found a place in his lap. There he stroked her hair as she yelled, screamed and cried. He was so glad she was getting it out, he thought this might be it- the healing she really needed. If it took losing her whole family at least she may be able to be free from it all.
Finally the sobs subsided and she grew quiet. He wanted to see if she had fallen asleep but couldn't lean over that far to see. He patiently waited for her, and tried not to let his mind run wild about what it might mean that she was letting him into her sorrow. He felt his phone vibrate and knew it was his team. Only McGee knew he was out looking for Ziva, he figured the rest of the group probably guessed that would be where he was today. He wasn't about to wake her up to reach his phone, this was way more important anyways. Tears came to his eyes as his mind wandered to the night before. All Gibbs said was get to Vance's house now. Him and McGee ran to the car and got there no questions asked. They knew Eli and Ziva were there and something seemed to always go wrong when that man came to town. He had been afraid for her life, not for the first time of course. But more so then before, because there really was something growing between them lately. And how could he forgive himself if he let them get this close without admitting what he felt? If she had died last night, well he would be the one on the ground hysterical and inconsolable. McGee and him had cleared the house, found Eli dead and Vance taking care of Jackie's serious wounds. He was heartbroken for Ziva at the sight of her father. Their relationship was so screwed up. He really didn't know how she was going to react. Not finding Ziva in the house had scared the shit out of Tony. Was she kidnapped or dying somewhere? Not finding her was worse then if he'd seen her dead beside Eli. Tony has wanted to go out and find Ziva the second he didn't see her around Vance's house, but as he was ready to turn and do that- her and Gibbs came up the driveway. It killed him that she was about to feel the weight of this loss. He watched her panic and come inside to get confirmation from him. The scream turned the knife in his heart and there was nothing he could do for her. Nothing that could stop it. It had been a long night at the hospital, and all he wanted to do was be with Ziva and take care of her. He had hoped she would turn to him sooner, hoped that she would show up at his house last night. He was up all night worrying about her- thinking that she would run away from them again. That she would pull away like she did every time she got hurt. He ached for her and worried that he would never see her again. But maybe she wouldn't. The fact that she let him into her grief was a huge step. It made him sigh with relief. Maybe they had crossed a line together forever. This was very hopeful and good even in watching her sorrow.
She woke with a start, looked up unsure of what was going on, and to his surprise she had a peacefulness to her eyes. She gave him a little smile and a yawn.
"You look like you are feeling a little better," he said with a smile.
"I am," she whispered incredulously, "and hungry" she admitted.
"Well then let's get you something to eat." and he got up to his feet to walk her out. He suddenly felt cold without her body on his, and he retook her hand in his own.
"Don't you need to get back to work?" She asked, "I have already kept you for hours. I wouldn't want to get you in trouble with Gibbs." But I would like your company, she thought to herself. She had to admit that she felt almost rested. Grief was still there but not completely consuming. She felt comforted and peaceful and she didn't want to let go of that yet. Lunch with Tony was sounding better by the moment.
"Nope, my top priority today is you." And he smiled into her eyes.
She came to him and put her head on his chest again. "Thank you Tony". And tears came again, but she had the sneaky suspicion that they weren't for the same reason this time.
He lifted her chin with his fingers until she was looking right at him. "Anything for you." He barely got out in the emotion of the moment. He knew this wasn't a good time to tell her all that was in his heart or to kiss her. But they were getting closer to that possibility and that was enough for now.
They walked out of the chapel together, hand in hand. He pretended it wasn't a big deal that he was holding the love of his life's hand. But the grin would not be smothered.
In the car she started talking about the complicated relationship she had with her father. She just talked and talked to the point that he didn't have a chance to start the car. Nope, he would just sit and listen. There were more tears, hand holding and encouragement. She breathed a sigh of relief and he knew it was really time to go get food. "Do you want to pick something up and go to my place, eat out, go to your place? What are you wanting to do?" He asked hoping he would get to spend the day with her.
She couldn't really think that well right now. She wanted food, and to be able to accept comfort. She wanted to fight off the urge to close up and run away for as long as possible. "You decide, I can't make decisions right now."
He had been checking his mirrors to pull out of the parking lot. He turned back to Ziva when he heard her tone of voice. "You okay? Change your mind about food, and rather just get some sleep? I'm happy to take you home too. Whatever you need today."
"No, I'm hungry, I just can't think about what to eat. I will eat whatever you stop for, then we can sit down and keep talking."
"Done" He said, and they were off.
They got out of the car with the food in hand, and went up to his apartment. The minute they were inside she started consuming the food. By the time Tony got plates out Ziva's food was gone. "Guess you can just sit here and watch me eat then." He said with a smile and trying not to laugh.
"I was much hungrier then I thought!" She said through a mouthful she was trying to swallow whole, "but I guess I haven't eaten since yesterday morning..." She thought loud. "I skipped out on dinner right as the rain of bullets came down, and I hadn't eaten since." She choked on the memory, and stifled a small sob. Looking at Tony, she let herself cry again.
He pulled his chair to the other side of the table, and got as close to her as possible. It was an awkward angle, but it worked. "Ready to try to sleep again?" He asked when the sobs stopped.
She looked up at him and held his gaze for awhile. The look in her eyes was so intimate it took his breath away. He was more then happy to look at her for as long as possible. He closed the gap between their mouths and gave her a sweet kiss. He backed up and watched her reaction, happy when her eyes told him she approved. She bit her lip to stop a smile, then came forward for the next one. They sat and explored each other's mouths for awhile. It was sweet and intimate.
"Okay," he said choosing to stop now to take care of her, "Ziva, I understand that you're vulnerable right now. So I can forget this ever happened if you wish." He said and put his hands in her hair to smooth it down.
"I don't want to forget this ever happened. It was a great kiss."
Making sure she got her point across with her eyes. "But you are right, I'm not in a place to really have this discussion right now. Can I promise that it will be revisited soon?"