"HEEEEEY!"
"I'm Carly!"
"And I'm Sam!"
"And this is-"
"iCarly!"
It was the latest webshow from the three friends Carly Shay, Sam Puckett, and Freddie Benson. The trio had started it quite by accident when they accidentally uploaded audition tapes for the talent show of their local school to the Internet. A massive outpouring of positive response from people who watched the videos convinced Carly, Sam, and Freddie to do a Web-based variety show full-time.
"Tonight on iCarly, we have a cool new sculpture from my brother Spencer!" Carly said enthusiastically. Sam hit the button on the remote that activated the cheering sound clip.
"Heeeeere's SPENCER!" Carly and Sam shouted together as Freddy panned toward the elevator doors. They opened, revealing Spencer and something draped with a sheet. It was on a wheeled platform, so Spencer pushed it out into the studio proper.
"So Spencer, what do you have for us today?" Carly asked.
"Well, I was thinking of how much I love hamburgers-"
"I do that all the time," Sam said dreamily.
"...Right. Anyway, I was thinking of how much I love hamburgers, and so I decided to make a sculpture of a cow. Behold -- The Decalfinator!"
Spencer whipped off the sheet, revealing a golden calf. With a coffee machine sticking out the side.
"Is that our coffee maker?" Carly asked.
"Yyyyyyes..." Spencer said reluctantly.
"Why did you put it into the sculpture?" Carly asked with a laugh.
"Because the name doesn't make sense otherwise," he explained.
"...Ohhhh, that's bad, Spencer!" Carly moaned. "Take three minutes in the pun-alty box!"
"We have a pun-alty box?" he asked, confused.
"Go to your room!" she commanded.
"Yes, ma'am," he said, making a hasty exit.
XXXX
"I think that show went pretty well," Freddy commented afterward.
"Yeah. And I do like Spencer's sculpture...even though he named it with a horrible pun."
There was suddenly, out of nowhere, a flash and a crack of thunder. When Carly, Sam, and Freddy regained their bearings, there was a man standing in the middle of the studio. He had white robes, long hair, and a full beard.
"Hey guys, I saw on your webshow that you built a golden calf."
"Uh...yeah..." Carly said nervously. "Um, who are you?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. People tend to know who I am right off the bat." He reached out his hand, which had a nasty scar on both sides. "My name's Jesus, you might know me from my hit album The Bible."
"Oh. Um, it's nice to meet you, Mr. Christ," Carly said, tenderly shaking his hand.
"So, guys, you made a golden calf, and that's totally not cool."
"Why? Are you a lame vegetarian?" Sam asked. Carly nudged Sam with her elbow.
Jesus shook his head. "No, I loves me some ribs."
"I heard that," Sam said, extending a fist. Jesus reciprocated, and they bumped their fists together.
"The problem is, making a golden calf is sort of against the third commandment. My dad -- you know, the guy who created the universe -- he sort of frowns on idolatry. So if it's not too much trouble, could you please destroy the calf?"
"And what if we don't?" Carly asked.
"Well, if you don't, you kinda have to burn in Hell for all eternity. Sorry, but those are the rules."
"Oh. Well, if you want to destroy it, you'll have to ask my brother Spencer, he's the one who made it."
"Oh, sure thing."
XXXX
"Hello, Spencer."
Spencer turned from where he sat on the bed, moping. "Who're you?"
"Jesus."
"Wow, like, THE Jesus? Cool!" A look of wonder was on Spencer's face.
"Yeah, it is pretty cool."
"So, J-Man, what're you doing here in Seattle? Is it the End Times? Oh God, it's the End Times, isn't it? I'm going to die a virgin!" He began hyperventilating.
"Spencer, will you chillax for a minute?" Jesus placed a calming hand on Spencer's shoulder. "My father doesn't plan to bring about the End Times for three years, not until the Cubs get a winning season."
"Cubs...in three...years..." Spencer repeated, writing on a piece of paper. "Do you know a good bookie?"
Jesus sighed. "Look, Spencer, this is about that sculpture you made."
"Merry Sniffmas? Oh, I'm sorry if that was offensive, I didn't think how you would feel about it..."
"No, Spencer, that was a fine sculpture. Noah thought it was pretty rad. No, I'm here about The Decalfinator."
"Oh, did you need coffee? ...Please don't tell me they don't have coffee in Heaven."
"Hey, would my father call it Heaven if there weren't?"
"Good point."
"Anyway, The Decalfinator, being a golden calf, is what we in the Christianity biz refer to as a graven image. If you don't destroy that sculpture, it's a one-way ticket to eternal damnation. We don't really want that to happen, Spencer, so could you please destroy your sculpture?"
"Umm..." Spencer looked thoughtful (for a change). "Couldn't I...just...paint it silver?"
Jesus was silent for a moment. "In over three thousand years, nobody actually thought of that." Jesus rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Okay, Spencer, that should work. Thanks for cooperating."
As Jesus turned to leave, Spencer stopped him. "Uh, Mr. Christ, why did you intervene? Normally, you don't seem to step into people's affairs."
Jesus shrugged. "Well, the Pope's a big fan, and he sent a personal request to save your soul when he saw what you did."
"Aw, that was nice of him...wait, the Pope? As in THE Pope?"
Jesus rolled his eyes. "Yes, Spencer, THE Pope."
XXXX
Outside of Spencer's room, Jesus was again met by Carly, Sam, and Freddy.
"We were talking, Mr. Jesus..." Freddy started.
Sam nudged him in the ribs. "Mr. Christ," she said, emphasising the second word.
"And we wanted to know if you would guest star on iCarly next week."
Jesus opened his mouth to decline, but then thought about it. "Well...I could use all the exposure I can get, and your webshow is pretty popular. Yes, I'll appear on iCarly next week."
"Yay!" the three friends cheered.