A look behind the scenes during the filming of Star Trek: 2009, with plenty of swearing (on the producers' part), copious logic, sarcasm, and English history (on the Spocks' part), paranoia, and a reference or two to pop culture half a decade ago. I think.

The characters' lines aren't quoted word for word, since I did it from memory in the middle of the night without a workable transcript, but I hope it's good enough for everyone out there. Of course, I did some improvisation with the Spocks, and James Bond was just there for the kick, so he didn't get any of the lines.

The Fourth Wall

By Chronomentrophobia

Because, one fine day, my efforts might be appreciated.

1. On the bridge of the USS Enterprise, before Captain Pike arrives

"There eez something I always wanted to know…" Ensign Chekov paused, childish eyes alight with curiosity.

"Why do we use American spelling? Why do I hawe a Polish accent instead of a Russian?"

Lieutenant Sulu sighed in exasperation. "Because Star Trek is a franchise created in America, produced in America, aired in America, and, most importantly, fangirled over in America."

The young ensign nodded enthusiastically, enlightened, and returned to his work.

2. In Sickbay...

"It's them! THEY'RE WATCHING US AGAIN! I told them I'm camera shy!" A certain Cadet Kirk yelled in Sickbay, grabbing a pillow in an attempt to cover his face.

Bones was tempted to stab him with the hypospray, and he did; thankfully, the yells ceased instantly. The good Doctor rubbed his temples. "Y'know, I think he would've made a good conspiracy theorist," he muttered with a roll of his eyes.

Commander Spock, who had been watching discreetly out of camera range, responded, "Indeed."

3. After Kirk is marooned on Delta Vega

"Green-blooded hobgoblin," Bones muttered, and glared at the cameraman. Because the cameraman was afraid, he proceeded to pan elsewhere.

Even if that meant Delta Vega.

Damn, the unfortunate cameraman thought, why do I always get the worst assignments?

Just then, he was interrupted by a rather senile-looking old man in front of what looked like a Boy Scout campfire. "It is remarkably pleasing to see you again, old friend," the man said, adding a stick (because it couldn't honestly be called a log) to the bonfire.

"Damn-!" the cameraman yelped, scrambling away from Spock Prime. "Uh, guys, I think Chris didn't make it in time, or the thing ate him. There's no way we're screwing with the timeline again."

4. Random moment, probably during Kirk and Spock Prime's journey to the Starfleet outpost

And the attractive blond man proceeded to kiss Lieutenant Uhura's hand, like a real British gentleman. Spock was not amused.

"Erm, everyone?" a random redshirt volunteered, raising his hand. "Why is James Bond here?"

Panic ensued.

"SHIT! SOMEONE GET HIM OFF THE SET!"

"J.J. Abrams is gonna be so angry with us after this," Cupcake moaned.

5. After Spock resigns Captaincy

"I like this ship! It's exciting!" Scotty piped up suddenly.

"So do I!" Chekov chimed in.

Silence reigned throughout the bridge of the USS Enterprise.

6. During Chekov's suggestion of hiding behind Saturn's moons (Titan)

"Look, how old are you?" Bones queried skeptically.

"Sewenteen, sir!"

"Oh, good, he's seventeen," Bones scoffed at Jim.

"What's your point?" interposed Spock, who had suddenly appeared beside Bones, hair oddly ruffled. He looked…odd in command gold, Jim thought.

"Hey, Spock, that wasn't supposed to happen! Did the spores get you again?"

"No, that happened to my counterpart."

"And cut!"

7. Upon taking over the Romulan ship, and finding the Jellyfish

"Voice and facial recognition enabled. Welcome back, Ambassador Spock."

"Huh. That's weird," Jim mumbled, brushing past the Vulcan to inspect the very futuristic cockpit. He wondered if Alternate Universe Spock was narcissistic. It seemed like a real possibility, now that he saw the design of the ship: wildly austere and oddly elegant at the same time. "I think it likes you."

"The possibility of our plan succeeding is less than 0 percent," Spock said as he neared the cadet. "On the event that I do not return, please tell Lieutenant Uhura-"

"How can it be less than 0 percent?" Jim interrupted, puzzled.

Spock did the Vulcan version of a frown as he attempted to figure it out. "An error in the script. Forgive me. Have you mowed the lawn yet?"

8. When Spock and Spock Prime meet

"In the face of extinction, it is only logical that I resign my Starfleet commission and help rebuild our race."

"And yet you can be in two places at once. Do yourself a favor, Spock. Ignore logic for once, and do what you feel is right."

"Explain your reasoning."

There was a moment as Spock Prime's eyebrow made its annual migration to his hairline. "It was the progression of events in my reality. As it is unwise to tamper with the timeline excessively, it is only logical that you serve on the USS Enterprise, as I did."

"Your logic is impeccable, sir."

"Is that sarcasm I detect?"

"Cut! That wasn't on the script!" The director frowned on the two Vulcans, or, if he wanted to get technical, one. "Don't make this difficult, guys."

"Frowning is an illogical response to our behavior. We were merely conversing in our usual fashion. Moreover, I do not see the correlation between our situation and criminal that orchestrated the historical plot to blow up the House of Lords in 1605," both Spocks intoned in unison. Twin slanted eyebrows rose at that.

The poor director groaned and slapped his forehead. "Let's take up from the top."

9. The famous Vulcan salute scene

"As my customary farewell would seem oddly self-serving, I shall simply say, 'good luck'." Spock Prime spread his fingers in a traditional Vulcan salute.

Spock attempted to imitate the gesture but ended up with something more lopsided. With a frustrated expression unbecoming of a Vulcan, he wrestled the offending digits into place with his other hand. He then held it up, ignoring the way Spock Prime's eyes twinkled in non-laughter.

It was not his fault that he could not correctly force his fingers into the position required. It was most definitely not his fault that he had just committed what would be considered masturbation in Vulcan culture in front of his older self. Who had invented the freaking gesture?

Blame Leonard Nimoy, a voice whispered, and Spock did.

Dignity was illogical, anyway.

10. To boldly go…at the end, and after

"…And to boldly go where no man has gone before," Leonard Nimoy finished, clearing his throat at the end of the monologue, eyes slightly misty in reminisce.

"Okay, aaaand…cut!" the director cleared his throat. There was a moment of silence as everyone paused. Then there was cheering and hugging all around. Someone shouted, "Let's celebrate!"

"Most illogical," Spock hit pause on the remote. "The need for physical contact and alcoholic beverages after the completion of a task is an example of human emotionalism."

Bones only rolled his eyes, while Jim grinned with good cheer and slung his arm around Spock's shoulders just to have his First Officer go rigid under his so very human gesture.

"Let's celebrate, too!"

"…Immature."

"Unnecessary."

"But you like it."

End.

So, how did it go? Drop me a line!