One-shot for now, though may be added on to in the future. I'm writing this on a whim. Was suddenly inspired to do this, and I might not write a fanfiction ever again. Inspiration for the themes in this story are taken from personal experiences, and are possibly not in-character. I tried.
Disclaimer: I don't own Clannad. Of course I don't.
This takes place in the final Clannad universe in the Anime, when Nagisa and Ushio are alive. Contains spoilers to parts of both Clannad and Clannad After Story.
It'd been several years since they'd all graduated. Seemed like longer, at least, to her. To the genius, Kotomi Ichinose. Since she'd gone out on her own path, beyond the borders of Japan, she knew just what that meant, for her and her past.
She knew full well that, while she could still visit her old friends in Japan, the many experiences she had would only be memories. Whether they were happy or sad ones, that was up to her. She would, of course, never forget making the clique of friends that became the closest people to her, coming to terms with her past, and most importantly… the man at the center of it all, Tomoya Okazaki.
It was strange. When he turned up entirely out of the blue one day her senior year. It was almost like fate had brought them back together, after so many years apart. The two had both changed, had grown up. Both of them had found their future or, in Tomoya's case, a lack of a future. It didn't stop Kotomi from being incredibly enthused that the boy she met in the garden had come back.
Then, of course, her past resurfaced numerous times. The 'bad man' who worked with her parents, who she had associated with losing them forever. She almost lost herself, shutting herself away from her teachers, her friends...everyone. But, unexpectedly, the same boy, the one who had appeared so many years before… did something incredible. He went out of his way to care for her, to inspire his… no, their friends to help her rise above the nightmare she lived; the nightmare she'd lived with for so long. In the end, it was a bittersweet, when the suitcase her parents had brought with them on the plane that crashed was found.
From there on, it was almost like a dream, being able to be socially active in a school where she initially didn't have any friends, when she was consumed in her studies. After so long, she was genuinely happy, when she discovered something bigger than her studies, bigger than herself. Her friends, how much she cared for them, and what they meant to her. She also discovered a warm fuzzy feeling, that she could never quite pin down. However, what mattered was that she had a wonderful group of friends that cared about her as much as she did for them them.
After graduation, however, things started changing. As she had planned, she eventually went to study and research abroad, far away from Japan. It was more or less what she had to do, given her intellect, skills, and potential. Being confined by the research institutions in Japan would have been restricting her more than anything. She went on to study the existence of other realms beyond our own.
Sadly, she lost something in taking the path that she did. She was still in contact with her friends, and she was more than comfortable making new ones abroad, because of her proficiency in foreign languages. However, some nights, she would just lay in bed, and stare at a photo of their graduation, and miss the old days, when everything was so easy. When feeling that warm feeling was something she could feel every day. Now, even if she emailed her friends on a regular basis, she wouldn't feel the same feeling. She'd feel nostalgia, but not the full, rich happiness that she longed for.
With time, she would have dreams at night. More than anything,… they were bittersweet in taste. She remembered a few in particular the most vividly...
In one dream, she was back in high school, helping around the drama club, like usual. Organizing equipment they needed, the normal business. However, Tomoya wasn't around. She wondered where he could be. He was the one who kept the club going, where could he be? She decided that she'd done all she needed to do, and told everyone she was going to look for Tomoya.
She walked to his classroom. Maybe he forgot something in there, or he was on cleaning duty? No luck. The cafeteria? Maybe he's hungry and getting something. Still nothing. She searched every nook and cranny of places Tomoya might have a reason to go to, but still nothing. Out of nowhere, she suddenly had an inkling about where he might be. She walked up the stairs to the library where she'd spent so many months, years, studying by herself.
The door was unlocked. She opened it, and sure enough… it was Tomoya. he was sitting in a chair, staring into space out the window. "Tomoya-kun?" she whispered, walking closer to him. He suddenly looked up, tensed up, and said, "No, don't come any closer!" Kotomi was confused. Why was Tomoya all by himself, and now being so defensive? Kotomi started, "Is something wrong, Tom-"
Again, out of the blue, Tomoya jumped out of his chair and ran past Kotomi. Kotomi didn't know what came over her, but she immediately ran after him. She wasn't particularly athletic, but she knew she could at least keep up with him. After running for five minutes through the school and eventually making their way to the roof, Tomoya found himself cornered. He tried to slip past Kotomi to get to the door, but Kotomi wasn't going to let him get away. She grabbed his arm as he tried to run around her, and made him lose his balance. Kotomi took charge of the situation; she hugged him and brought him to the ground. She then held him down, and raised her voice, "What's gotten into you, Tomoya-kun?! Why are you avoiding everyone? Why are you avoiding me?"
Tomoya didn't respond… he only had a look of emptiness in his eyes, a look of not wanting to be around her. Seeing that face… it stung her to the core. It was a look like in TV dramas when someone doesn't want to see their previous lover...a stoic, but heavily pained expression. Did he… not want to be around her at all? What was going on? Why? Why was this happening?
Right then, she woke up, heart pounding as if she really had been running for five minutes. She didn't know what to think. "Why did I have that dream? Does it mean something?" she whispered to herself. Something in her told her that it did, but she would have to figure out just what it meant.
The dreams didn't stop. In another dream, the scenario was almost the same, organizing things in the drama club room. This time Tomoya was there, and the meeting went as usual. After everything was done, however, Kotomi noticed something about Tomoya after he helped Nagisa dismiss everyone. It was that pained expression again, but this time angrier than the last time. She was confused again.
She approached him after everyone else had left, and said, "Hey, Tomoya-kun? How are you feeling?" Tomoya didn't even make eye contact with her, which was unusual, only saying, "I'm really tired, I'm going home." She could hear it, she could even feel it. That tone in his voice, that just resonated with pain, of not wanting to be near her. He then stormed out of the room, and she was the last one there. She sat down by the wall, and let the words sink in. Then, one by one, the tears started falling. One painful tear after another, as she wailed, "Why? Why is this all happening to me?!"
This time, Kotomi woke up nearly screaming, and with tears in her eyes. Kotomi felt broken, just like all those years before. She was reminded of how lonely she was, leading up to her senior year in high school. How she had nobody, only her studies. She felt that lonely feeling manifesting in her again. This time, however, she didn't have the same friends right by her side. Even if she could email them about how much she missed them, that wouldn't change that fact. They couldn't just make time to see her, and she couldn't just make time to see them. They all lived busy lives now, in different parts of the world, even.
The final dream would be the one that answered her questions… she was in a mysterious world. It did not feel like the same one she knew. It was a quiet place, and there were lights everywhere. Mysterious lights, that seemed to float freely without guidance. She didn't know what to make of it. It felt somehow familiar, as if it was something she'd been trying to find herself. She decided to walk around, and explore the place a little bit, and she found a little shelter. She opened the door, which was unlocked. Inside, she saw a table, and sitting at it… Tomoya.
She was surprised. Of all the things or people to find in this mysterious world… "Tomoya-kun?" She said. Tomoya looked at her and smiled, "Hey, Kotomi. How's it going?" They had a bit of friendly conversation for awhile, before Tomoya said, "Hey, would you like to walk for a bit?"
This caught Kotomi off-guard. "U-um, sure!" Kotomi replied. So, they made their way out into the mysterious world. After a minute of walking in silence, Tomoya took her hand, and pulled her closer to him. She didn't know how to respond, but she felt happy this way. They then talked about anything and everything for awhile. She felt at peace with Tomoya, holding his hand as they walked to somewhere, or nowhere. Eventually, they found a good hill to sit on, and they took a rest. Suddenly, Tomoya looked at her, and said, "You know, I'm not in a relationship right now."
Kotomi, unsure of how to respond, just said, "Oh, really?" Tomoya turned his head forward, and looked at the lights. "Mhmm" he replied. Kotomi felt relief in her heart as he said this, and it slowly dawned on her what it was she felt. Then, Nagisa, her friend from so long ago, appeared from the path they'd taken. It quickly became clear that this was reality checking in with Kotomi's deeper feelings. Without saying anything, Nagisa walked towards them, and as she did, everything slowly went dark for Kotomi. She then woke up, with a heavy feeling in her heart. She now understood what it was she felt.
It was love. A love that wasn't meant to be.
Tomoya was the driving force in Kotomi's life that pushed her onward when the times got tough. Everything she'd done until then had been a result of how he cared for her. He was the one that she looked forward to talking to each day in high school. He was her best friend, the one who understood her more than anyone else. And now… she was supposed to accept that he meant nothing to her, nothing more than a bittersweet memory.
She had, honest to God, been doing her best to reach her potential as a researcher. But she knew it wouldn't be enough to bring him to her. He was genuinely happy, with a girl who Kotomi knew and trusted to love him with all her heart. It began to kill her, every waking minute of her being, because she wanted to be the one, the one who Tomoya loved.
She was completely at a loss. She wanted to tell him how she felt. Even then, she wanted to pull him away from Nagisa because she couldn't stand stand letting him be with another girl. All she wanted was another chance, to go back to high school and be the one who took his heart. She learned everything about love soon after that dream, and as she reflected on her life. She learned what a sweet and euphoric feeling love is, and how much it hurts when that love can't be returned.
She finally understood that love isn't a feeling that can be suppressed easily. This was something she started to grasp when her love for her parents wouldn't go away after everything that happened, but it now made complete sense to her as she couldn't hold back how she felt about Tomoya. She wanted to email him, or contact him somehow, and steal him away. But, after all the years had passed, there wasn't any way it could result in anything. He now was married to Nagisa. They'd had a child, a beautiful little girl named Ushio. He was happy, and now Kotomi realized, she wasn't.
It was almost easy to believe she would someday find someone else just like Tomoya, if not better. In fact, that's what everyone's led to believe. However, for a lonely girl like Kotomi… for a girl that won't readily open her heart to anyone who she wasn't fully comfortable with, it was hardly realistic. Her heart knew what it felt, and it wanted to be with Tomoya. It couldn't just throw away the feelings that it had kept hidden away for so long, that it only just now unveiled.
Tomoya was the glue that kept her held together. Even from so far away, the impact he had on her life was astounding, since everything she'd done to that point had been a direct result of his intervention in her life. Now, she felt that glue was disappearing with each day, steadily tearing away at her motivation, her heart, and her soul. She knew that she would have to find her own reason to live, one that didn't surround itself around him. She would have to be strong, and surpass her limits. That's the only choice she had, if she wanted to keep moving forward. However, regardless of her path, Kotomi never stops thinking about him. He's always at the forefront of her mind, when she's awake, about to sleep, and even when she sleeps, because of one lone fact.
He means everything to her.
Author's note: Sorry if this story is depressing. Wasn't trying to fluff anything up here.