Fallen
Summary: This is an AU, What if type of thing. What if Claire hadn't forgiven Charlie as easily. What if her life was in danger, and Charlie sacrificed himself to save her? What if just before that, he leaves her a note. One that tells her that he knew of his impending fate? What if as she reads over the lyrics of the song that he wrote in this note, she remembers all the great times with Charlie. And what if as she does so, she realizes that she not only missed out on a great friend, but on a chance at true happiness?
A/N: I have been wanting to write a really angsty and sad one shot for a few days. What better way then to browse through some really sad and angsty songs. Just for the record, I don't own Lost, or Fallen by Sarah McLachlan, the lyrics for which I'm using for Charlie's note.
Claire shivered from head to toe. It had been a day, only lousy long day. She sat by herself, as she watched the water lap over itself, trying to relive the day before. The day in which she could have very well died. A day in which one of the remaining survivors, didn't come back from alive. She pulled the fleece blanket tighter around her small frame. Charlie Pace, a man she had given hell for nearly two weeks, died to save her. Now she was stuck starting out into the endless ocean, wondering what if. What if she hadn't gone out for a swim yesterday. What if she had forgiven him sooner. Would anything be different? Would Charlie still be alive, sitting next to her, making faces at Aaron? All of these what ifs made her feel queasy and sick.
Every since the whole Ethan situation, Charlie had promised to take care of her. To make sure that she was safe. He had been true to his word. She had lost Aaron to Danielle, and he risked his well being to get him back. Now, because she felt like taking a little swim, he not only risked his life, but lost it as well, to save her. To save a person that had been putting him through hell and back. Sitting there now, she wished she had forgiven him sooner. She didn't want him to think she hated him. She didn't, she just didn't understand why he did what he did.
"Claire," Desmond said, trying to get her attention.
He had wanted to tell her about his visions. To explain that Charlie might not have much longer. Hoping then that she would have forgiven him, but he just could never find the words to explain that Charlie wouldn't live much longer. How do you tell someone that?
"Oh, hi Desmond," Claire said, her voice flat.
"Charlie wanted me to give this to you," he said matter of factly, before leaving her behind.
"Wait, what is it?" She called out, but he was already out of earshot.
She unfolded the rumbled piece of paper. Tears forming in her eyes, as she started to read through it.
My dearest Claire,
I want to be honest with you. So chances are, if your reading this then I'm no longer there with you. This is okay, as I figured it would come sooner or later. I just hope that however I went, it was just, I'd hate to think that I died from something idiotic that I did. With that said, I need you to know that I've known of my indpending 'doom' so to speak. Desmond has been having these visions, like flashes, of me dying. The poor man has been working so hard to keep me from dying. I guess dying isn't really scary much anymore, since I've already nearly died three or four times already. I guess I just wish it would hurry up and happen. The waiting is worse than the knowing. I want you to know that I am truly sorry about what I did, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I know I never got around to actually saying it, I just figured it was best to leave you alone, let you fume it out. I am sorry that I never got around to apologizing to your face. You deserved at least that much. I know that to you am I not a hero of any sorts. I know that you never really wanted me around. Not really, I just kept shoving myself into your life, I'm so sorry for that too Claire. I do hope that you'll be able to find forgiveness in your heart for a man that loved you more than life itself. Now, with that out of the way, I'd like to ask a favor of you. I know I don't deserve it, or have earned it, but think of it as granting a dying, or well in my case, a dead man's last request. I'd really like it if you held onto this letter, as I've attached a song I wrote a few days ago with it. I think maybe, it'll help you understand me just a bit better, or I hope it will, but I was really hoping that when you all get rescued, and go home, if you could by chance give the song lyrics to my brother Liam. Since this is our final goodbye, I just want to make sure you know that my heart has belonged to you since the first moment I saw you. No one, or nothing could ever change that. I love you Claire Littleton, and I'd really like it if Aaron knew that I loved him too.
Love Always,
Charlie Pace
Claire let her head fall into her hands as the tears fell slowly down her face. He was a hero, he was her hero. He saved her life, and in doing so his life ended. How could he think she wouldn't forgive him? Claire sobbed for what felt like a century, before she raised her head up and dried her damp eyes. Her heart ached, and she felt as if a piece of her was missing, was gone. She didn't know how she could feel so empty without someone she had only met a couple of months earlier.
She folded up the first piece of paper, hugged it close to her chest. She needed to feel close to him, and hugging the paper gave her a small feeling of closeness. She held the second piece of paper in her hand as she read the lyrics that Charlie had written.
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Claire closed her eyes as she tried to visualize Charlie strumming the song out on his beaten up guitar. She smiled slightly, only for a second as she remembered the first time that she had heard him play it.
Charlie strummed heartily on his guitar, as Claire's face grew slightly redder with frustration.
"Okay, can you stop moving or I'm going to cut your ear off," Claire sighed, letting the frustration out with it.
"Ah, this is good. I'm writing again. I'm really feeling it as well. So, what's the first thing your going to do when we get rescued?" Charlie asked her, before shoving his pencil between his teeth as he started strumming on his guitar again.
"You know, I don't really know," Claire sighed, as she turned his head back around for what had to be the fifth time.
"You can hang with me in LA...You and turnip-head. You know, until you figure things out," Charlie said, his head turned towards her, trying to gage her response.
"Thanks," she answered, as she turned his head back around. 'Make that six,' she said to herself, trying to stop the smile from creeping across her lips.
"Smashing. Okay, check this out. This is track 2, it's called..." Charlie paused slightly to turn towards her, in which she responded to by forcefully turning his head. "Sorry...it's called Monster Eats the Pilot."
Claire let a giggle slip from her lips, as Charlie animatedly strummed on his guitar.
Claire smiled heartily at the memory, before realizing that was it. That was all she had left of Charlie besides his letter. Memories, the good ones, the bad ones, all of them, but that was it. There was no chance of making new ones, no chance of anything now. He was really gone, and all he had left her was a letter and a song that made her heart ache and her stomach lurch, but she continued on.
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
"Hiya. Do you want a blanket?" Charlie asked.
"Oh, thanks. I got one," Claire smiled at him.
"Well, your warming for 2. Take mine," Charlie pleaded with her.
Claire smiled at him, he had a kind face, she noted as she grabbed the blanket from him. "Thank you."
Charlie took that as an in, and sat down beside her. He couldn't get over how beautiful she was.
"So, first plane crash?" he asked, trying to break the ice.
"What gave it away?" she asked, playing right along.
"You can always spot the newbies," Charlie gave her a quirky smile. "We're gonna be okay, you know."
"Are we?" Claire asked, wondering why he sounded so sure.
"We're alive. We're on a beautiful island. We'll sleep under the stars and before you know it the helicopters will come and take us all home," Charlie said, fully believing his statement.
"You really think they'll find us?" Claire asked, wanting to be hopeful, but not sure that she fully believed him.
"Well yeah, why wouldn't they?" Charlie asked.
"Thanks," Claire said.
"I...I'm Charlie," he said, holding out his hand.
"I'm Claire. Nice to meet you, Charlie," Claire said, shaking his hand.
"Nice to meet you," Charlie said back, a small smile crossed his lips.
Claire sighed, it had seemed like forever that she had met Charlie Pace. He had come off quirky and fun, but kind of shy. She had taken an almost immediate liking to him, although she was constantly pushing him away. She had never fully understood why. Maybe her head knew where her heart was trying to go? Maybe she was trying to stop a repeat of the whole Thomas thing. She wasn't really sure of the reason, but since day one she had never let Charlie know that she liked him more than she let on, and that...that broke her heart even more.
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Claire let her tears fall steadily as she finished the song. The last part was about his life now. No one looked at Charlie the same since that night. Charlie didn't deserve that, especially not now. Of course he was going to get a proper burial, and they all decided it was best to bury him with his beloved guitar, even though a part of Claire wanted to keep it. She wanted everything that was Charlie's, anything that would bring her closer to him. She just wanted to feel him one more time. Wanted to hug him, wanted to tell him that she was sorry for holding a grudge. She wanted Charlie back, and for the first time she realized why. She had not only lost Charlie Pace her friend, but she had lost Charlie Pace, the man she had fallen in love with.