Hello! The following is one of many parodies I've made of common horrible fanfiction scenarios. I basically was in a sardonic mood and decided to create replications of horrible, over-used plots in a number of fandoms I'm familiar with…These are intended to be satirical generalizations…They are not intended to be taken as a serious attempt at a story (and I hope no one would consider them to be), nor are they intended to "make fun of" or copy any one specific story. If you feel I've copied your story…I wouldn't want to admit it if I were you…After all, I'm making fun of the following ridiculous plot/characterization rampant in Dramione fandom. Furthermore, I am not making fun of the fandom itself (Dramione was my first, and has always been, my OTP).

In this case, because I've been in Dramione fandom for so long, I will be writing TONS of these for Dramione, and likely will group them all into the same fic, but each stereotype will be divided by a chapter, so if you find one particularly offensive it can be skipped. Of course if you want a much longer version of one of the worst Dramione fanfics ever written, AU and with names changed, of course, just go to your local bookstore and bye this hunk of paper masquerading as literature called Twilight.

That said, Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling, and I do not claim any rights to it.

Enjoy! (Or hate, whichever.)

Hermione Has Turned Into a Mary Sue, and All the Boys are Gorgeous Now Too

It was going to be her seventh year at Hogwarts, and she was looking forward to it! Not for the books or classes, or ability to use magic...After all she was so smart she already knew everything that she could learn in school, and had figured out how to get away with using magic without the ministry knowing, and taught herself wandless magic, and how to speak to unicorns and mermaids. No, what she was really excited for was to see her two best friends again, and Ginny, who she'd become incredibly close to in the few summers they'd spent sharing a room, despite not really talking at school…Of course she hadn't seen any of them this summer though, so she was even more excited than she ordinarily would be, but she was a little afraid they wouldn't recognize her.

Her muggle cousin invited her to go stay with her in London for the whole summer, and decided that she needed to take Hermione under her wing. So she'd taken her shopping and taught her how to dress fashionably…Right now she was wearing tight hip-hugger skinny-jeans with a few well-placed rips in the knees, cute designer high-heeled sandals (because she was only 4'10"), an anklet that matched her cousin's, nails were painted bright red—they'd just gone to a salon a few days ago, where she'd also had acrylics put on her fingers, with little fake diamonds near the cuticle—big gold hoop earrings, a little pink baby top that showed off just a touch of cleavage and her stomach. She was wearing some mascara and lip-gloss but her cousin had insisted she didn't need much make up because the combination of growing into her own over the summer, how tan she'd gotten lying on the sandy warm beaches of California, where they had vacationed for a month because her cousin is actually from America, and the gorgeous highly realistic looking blonde streaks and a little hair growth spell they'd put in her hair, making it about three feet long, showed all her beauty naturally!

She fingered her belly-button ring, which had a little butterfly dangling from it, attracting attention to her flat, four-pack abs, absent mindedly as she walked through the barrier between platforms nine and ten. She should have been paying more attention to where she was going as she wandered out of the barrier though because she rammed into something hard, covered in black cloth, and the force was so great (even though she's only 4'10") that she caused the hard black thing to fall over, and she fell on top.

The first thing she noticed was that the thing she was laying on was very distinctly male, and had very nice abs and a broad strong chest, which her hands were all over. She was too shell-shocked to look up right away, and almost didn't want to once she heard his voice.

"Granger, is that you?"

It was Draco Malfoy. His voice was deeper though, and she definitely didn't remember him being so muscular. Finally she looked up, and he was gorgeous!

No Hermione, he's not gorgeous! He's a horrible vile son of a death eater who has always called you Mudblood. You hate him.

But he does apparently have nice abs now, all that quidditch practice did him well, A little voice that sounded suspiciously like it belonged to Ginny Weasley, whispered in the back of her mind.

He's still an evil git! Yes, that's right, an evil git. Picking on Neville and making fun of Ron for being poor and calling me Mudblood…plus his dad is a death eater…he's definitely evil! Yes. She scolded herself.

"Yes, it's me Malfoy, why?"

"Well," he smirked in a way that made her heart-flutter, even though she didn't understand why, "You just look different, the summer has been good to you."

She stared back into his beautiful silver eyes, and, before she could stop herself, replied, "To you too."

Her face turned scarlet and she scrambled off of him, What is wrong with you 'Mione?

Draco stood up and brushed himself off, she looked up at him…when had he gotten so tall? He must have been almost seven-feet tall, she barely came up to his ribs. It was both intimidating and strangely sexy. No Hermione, you did not just think that!

"Hey Malfoy, who are you harassing now?"

She turned around to see the two faces she'd missed all summer. She grinned and turned around to face them, excitedly yelling "Harry! Ron!"

She went to through her arms around them but realized they'd grown too…And gotten very handsome. Harry wasn't wearing his glasses either, maybe he'd gotten contacts? She didn't care at the moment though, she was suddenly mesmerized by his gorgeous emerald eyes, which were wide in shock as he recognized her.

" 'Mione is that you? You look…good…" Ron stammered, blushing hard.

"Oh don't be silly, I don't look that different…" She replied turning to face him. Ron had grown his hair out and grown a lot of muscle, he now looked more like an Abercrombie and Fitch model then the clueless boy next-door. She found herself blushing again, You shouldn't think things like that Hermione! They're your best friends, and Draco Malfoy is your worst enemy! What's wrong with you?

"Catch you later Granger," Malfoy said, sending a smirk her way that made her feel all funny inside.

"Shove off Malfoy!" Ron yelled after him.

"Forget him guys, let's go find a compartment," she said, smiling and pulling them toward the train.

The boys happily forgot about Malfoy and followed her, asking her all about her summer as they went. She answered their questions, but couldn't get the image of the now gorgeous Draco Malfoy—Not gorgeous, evil!—out of her mind.

After dinner that night Hermione was going down to the library to research some very advanced magical spells that she figured she'd learn just for fun and to get her mind off what had happened at dinner. Both Harry and Ron had decided to tell her they had feelings for her…And now she didn't know what to do. They were both her best friends and they were gorgeous, and she loved them…But she wasn't sure if she was in love with them. She had to think and clear her head. Of course, she still couldn't get the image of beautiful—No, evil—Draco Malfoy out of her head.

Just thinking about it was so distracting she'd lost track of where she was going, and had wandered down to the dungeons, she was about to turn around and head back when a hand reached out and grabbed the back of her shirt, pulling her into a dark alcove. She was so shocked she'd forgotten to yell.

"Hello Hermione," a deep husky voice whispered as strong masculine hands wrapped around her wrists and held them against the wall.

"Malfoy!" she whispered indigently, struggling a little bit, but realizing that there was nothing she could do to fight him off…after all he was so much bigger than her. Wonder if he's big everywhere, the pesky little voice whispered.

She blushed and tried to ignore the thought. Instead she opted for more talking, "What do you want?"

"Honestly?" he asked, his husky voice and musky scent sending shivers up and down her spine.

Something about the way he said it made her question whether or not she really wanted the answer…But she was a Gryffindor! She was no coward!

"Yes, honestly." She replied, he chin jutting up definitely toward him. Of course she realized a second too late that this put their lips only inches apart.

"You…" he whispered, and before she could respond he bent down, closed the distance between them, and claimed her lips with his own.

His lips were soft and he was a phenomenal kisser, and before she could stop herself, she leaned into him and moaned against his mouth. He licked her bottom lip begging for entrance and she opened her mouth automatically. He took the opportunity and deepened the kiss. She moaned again, and he let go of her wrists, wrapping his arms possessively around her waist, giving her the opportunity to wrap her arms around his neck, buring her hands in his long silky blond locks.

Finally they broke apart, gasping for air. She stared up into his gorgeous silver eyes, silently begging for more and begging for an explaination, "Why?..."

"Because I've been in love with you for a long time! I just was able to control it until I saw you today and I couldn't take it anymore, I had to have you!" He responded passionately, the truth of his words radiating in his eyes.

"Oh Draco, I…I think I love you too!" She cried, and he kissed her again!

Finally, minutes later, she broke away from him again, "But Draco, I have to know…Are you a death eater?"

"Never, my love! I couldn't bare the thought of someday having to hurt you."

"Does your father know?"

"No, but you returning my love has given me the courage to renounce him. You're all I need, Hermione!"

"Oh Draco," she sighed, tears of happiness welling up in her eyes. No words needed to be said, she leaned back in, pushing herself up on her tip toes, and kissed him again. His were the only lips she ever wanted to kiss for the rest of her life.

"Come with me…" He mumbled pulling her along the deserted corridor. She didn't know where they were going, and she didn't care. She trusted him completely; she was absolutely in love with him. Besides, she was the smartest most talented witch since Rowena Ravenclaw, nothing could hurt her!

He walked up to a painting and mumbled "Tour Jours Pur."

The painting swung aside, and revealed a hidden common room, covered in dark green, black and silver, with a picture of the Malfoy crest hanging above a fireplace filled with flickering green flames.

"It's a secret room my ancestor had built in Hogwarts generations ago just for the Malfoy family, no one knows about this place." He told her, leading her to a staircase.

Up the stairs was a beautiful, ornately decorated bedroom, still decorated in greens and blacks, with Malfoy paraphernalia everwhere. He lead her to a giant king-sized bed, it had a canopy and more pillows than she could count. He sat down on the edge and she followed, knowing she was ready for whatever might happen. After all, this was the man she loved.

"Please Hermione, I've craved you for so long, I don't want to wait another second to make love to you!" He proclaimed passionately, capturing her tiny hands in his large masculine hands.

Tears of joy sprung to her eyes and she smiled, nodded and crawled on top him, her legs wrapping around his waist as she kissed him passionately.

He pushed her robes aside and slid his hands up her shirt. She shivered under his touch. Her whole body ached for more, and she couldn't resist him. "Oh Draco, take me now!"

He smirked in that way that made her knees melt and pulled her shirt off, gently laying her against the bed. He continued kissing her as they removed each others clothing, not realizing how naked they'd become until he pulled off her bra and stared at her supple chest in wonder. Her eyes roamed down to the large throbbing bludlge in his silky black boxers. Wow he's big! He's not going to fit in me.

"You're beautiful Hermione." He told her, his eyes mirroring the awe in his voice.

She blushed, "So are you Draco."

His fingers brushed her panties, "Are you sure Darling?" He asked, his eyes searching hers, love and devotion conflicted by desperation and pure animalistic need.

"Yes," she gasped, her body automatically arching, desperate to be closer to his.

He kissed her again and ripped off her lacy red thong with one hand, throwing the scraps to the floor.

She pulled at the elastic of his boxers and gasped when she saw his long hard shaft. It was so big, and glorious and her body pulsed with desire just looking at it.

He looked up at her one more time, silently begging her reassurance one last time. She smiled and nodded, her whole being consumed with desire.

He kissed her and plunged into her. It hurt, he was huge, but only for a moment.

"Are you okay Love?" He whispered, going still against her. She could feel his whole body tremble as he tried to hold back.

"Yes, with you inside me I finally feel whole." She responded, tears in her eyes, she was overwhelmed by how good he felt inside of her, and how happy she felt.

He started to move again. The sweat and pleasure built between them. Their lips locked again, and soon she felt her whole body start to spasm and then she reached a peak of sweat glorious pleasure, it lasted forever, and he came with her, spilling is hot seed into her.

"I love you." He whispered, looking into her sparkling eyes as he flipped them over so she was on top.

"I love you too Draco," she replied, snuggling into his chest as sleep overcame her and his armed wrapped around her making her feel safer than she'd ever felt in her life.

As she fell asleep to the sound of his heart beat she knew they'd be together forever.

And they lived happily ever after. The end.

One more little disclaimer of sorts: If you are a young teenage girl and have read many fics like this…I cannot emphasize enough that in the real world you do not live happily ever after with a guy who has confessed his undying love for you at seventeen and then sleeps with you half an hour later. In the real world this usually only happens with large amounts of alcohol and in the morning a lot of embarrassed looks and, hopefully, "Well, yeah, good time I guess…See you at work later. Bye." At worst the scenario is the same except the dialogue goes more like, "Sorry, I don't remember who you are." Trust me. But I'm sure you all are smart enough to realize that anyway =)

~L.C.