Disclaimer: She doesn't own Evangelion.
All That There Was.
Compared to the domestic oranges that the sun had adorned him with whilst it bathed them both in its unbiased warmth, Nagisa Kaoru seemed washed out, dull under NERV's artificial light.
With skin the colour of bleached bone and hair the muted grey of dead flesh, his eyes were the only things that retained any semblance of the unabashed flame that had engulfed them; they were a deep crimson that was unnatural and reminded Shinji simultaneously of LCL liquid and old blood.
They gave him a subdued, yet jaunty passion that was almost malevolent in its tangibility, but they radiated an ageless simple kindness that made the fifth child seem almost inhuman in his placidity.
He was flawless, and it rendered Shinji speechless.
And so his thoughts were occupied while his ears were busy with the emphatic dance of a boisterous orchestra, but yet he somehow wasn't surprised when the Fifth Child appeared to the monotoned intonation and the the click and grind of an opening unit.
He was almost waiting for him anyway.
He had exited the main unit with his bony, gnarled hands buried deep in his pockets, and when he stood before the younger boy, the smile that never seemed to vacate his face did not widen, but it somehow seemed to soften, as if Shinji were special, and somehow beautiful.
It puzzled Shinji, for he felt he was undeserving of such unmouthed praise. Nevertheless, he welcomed it. Craved it.
Perhaps that was why he had lingered for the adolescent with skin that seemed so much like melted porcelain, just to feel what he made him feel.
"Were you waiting for me?" A supple, gentle tone queried, and Shinji, flustered and flattered by all that was unspoken, could feel his blush travel down his neck. He tried to tell him yes, and tried to tell him no at the same time; because he was waiting, but he didn't really realise that he was until right then, and for some reason that was embarrassing.
And then Kaoru was leaning half over him, his focus entirely on the Second Child, and that made it okay and even worse, all at the same time, and Shinji was overwhelmed.
"The usual test finished, and I was going to take a shower before I went home," His voice was muffled in its own self-consciousness, "But I don't really want to go home these days."
He was unable to meet those eyes that were so horrible, and yet so mesmerising. Almost lovely.
"The fact that you have a place where you can return, a home, will lead you to happiness. That's good."
And Shinji didn't understand, because the place that he called his home was fraught with misery, and it seemed as if it couldn't lead anywhere but to more of the same. Unbidden, images of Asuka's dead eyes and Misato's tear drenched ones floated to the surface, but he resigned to ignore them, and found that easy to do with the distraction before him.
"Is that so?" He murmured finally, because he didn't know what else to say.
"I want to talk with you some more," He was told, and those words made him reel, and he could think of nothing to say, and when Kaoru asked to go with him, Shinji was puzzled, because where was he going to go when that boy was right here?
"I mean to the shower," And he was charming, "Aren't you going to the shower?"
But the Fifth Child took his surprise for reticence, and the younger one almost tripped over his own words to correct him, because it was okay, he wanted to talk to the other boy more too.
The water was almost to boiling point and the air around them wet and steaming. The atmosphere had grown almost unbearably hot, but that heat was originating, it seemed to Shinji, not from the outside in but the inside out and it began to the left, where the ghostly white boy reclined easily beside him.
Being in Nagisa Kaoru's presence made him all kinds of flustered, made him feel more relaxed than he could ever recall being, and yet even more uncomfortable than he ever was around Asuka, Misato and even Rei.
The Fifth Child's eyes were hidden beneath his lids, and his head was tilted back as if he were unaware of all that was going on around him, but Shinji knew this could not be true because the other had to be taken by the same inner turmoil in which he was currently suffering.
And then Kaoru spoke, and he told him that Shinji was afraid of First Contact, and he avoided it, and Shinji did not entirely understand, but then the Hedgehog's Dilemma came to mind. His guardian had told him the same thing long ago, but in reality he knew that it wasn't so long ago, it just seemed that way.
The Fifth Child continued to speak, and he told Shinji so many things about himself that he already knew, and yet did not, and he was content to listen. His heart was filled to bursting with so many conflicting emotions and it was tragically funny and more than a little scary that such simple words from a near stranger could affect him so.
Yet, somehow it was as if he had known Kaoru all of his life.
His words were loving and heartbreaking, and he sounded as if he knew the ways of the universe, and he much worldlier than his years allowed for: as if he were looking from the outside in and had been for eternity.
And when he put his hand on the younger boy's hand, he was shocked again…but, he was not afraid.
Then they were bathed in darkness, and Shinji knew that it was time to go, that it was NERV's bedtime and the other boy seemed disappointed and that seemed perfectly normal, because Shinji was disappointed as well. But Kaoru also needed to know if they would be sleeping together, and again he was caught off guard.
Shinji was surprised at the Fifth Child's seeming naïveté at his own implication, and yet it somehow seemed as if he were perfectly aware of what he had said. And, as it always seemed to be with the enigmatic Fifth Child, Shinji was unsure. But it never bothered him.
When he stood, Shinji kept resolute contact with those rich eyes, because he knew that the other boy was cloaked in nothing but his kindness, like a white sheet of gauze, and no matter how wonderful it was, it was exposing and embarrassing.
The only other male NERV pilot, however, seemed unfazed at his own nakedness, and merely cocked his damp head, his hair thick and dull, and his body glowing almost ethereal in its whiteness.
He looked beautiful, and he looked sultry and completely naive at the same time, and it was lovely and it was almost revolting in the way that it made Shinji's stomach roll.
The steam was rising all around them both, and it coiled around Kaoru, embracing him with the same emotion that Shinji himself was overcome with. In a flighting pass of fancy, Shinji could discern the misty form of wings rising up behind the pale mess of long limbs and bony torso. They were gone in a puff of cold air, and Shinji knew that they had never been there to begin with, that they had been a product of whimsy, and that was all.
You are delicate like glass.
Those genteel lips spilt words that he had never heard spoken to him, and he was struck dumb in the presence of someone far more pure than himself, he who had the blood of his friend's on his hands, and the memories of many more in his head.
In other words, I like you.
But nothing seemed to be wrong in the world. Not anymore.
.
There was no spoken invitation to accompany Kaoru back to the small apartment that served as NERV-adequate housing, because it was unnecessary. Shinji knew that he was welcome wherever Kaoru was, because Kaoru was welcome wherever Shinji was.
To admit any of these things would be akin to saying that the sky was blue, and would be a mere inconvenience.
Together they lay, close not in body, but close nonetheless, the fresh, new linen rustling beneath them conversationally, but they ignored it, too enthralled in each other to pay it mind.
It seemed almost as if Kaoru could read his mind, saying little, merely asking what it was that Shinji wanted to say himself. It was a little funny, and a little breathtaking. Shinji had never been subject to such raw kindness, such unpractised, unadulterated affection that he was left dazzled in the wake of soft words and aching smiles.
Nobody had ever done this for him. Asuka, Misato, Rei. His own father.
The Third Child could make nothing and everything of this out-of-place comfort with the Fifth that was entirely alien to him. He did not desire to dwell on it, because whatever it was, no matter how peculiar, he liked it, and didn't want it to ever end.
And so he gratefully poured his heart out to the other boy, who listened, and for once he wasn't tripping over the words he couldn't say, because he could say anything, and the liberty was exhilerating.
And when he fell silent, he thought that perhaps he had thought wrong: he had said too much, and it was just like all of the other relationships that he never had. But when he turned to look at the Fifth Child, he met eyes that had gone black like dried blood in the gloom, while flesh shone omnisciently, but whether it was a byproduct of his smile or from the sullen light of a resentful moon, he could not tell.
I think I was born to meet you.
And Shinji thought that perhaps everything would eventually be alright. He thought that perhaps he could lift his head and stand proudly against the horrible, miserly world, if Kaoru stood beside him.
Everything would be alright, as long as Nagisa Kaoru was there.
Just a poignant little piece delving into the emotions surrounding the two boys. Nothing special, She'd love to hear what you think.