Title: Never a Dull Moment
Rating: T – Swears galore
Type: AU
Fact: Based off my
one-shots "Order of Operations" and "He loved how crazy she
was"
Fact: This will have four chapters at most! Just a short fun read
Fact: Updates will be ungodly slow; sorry that's how I roll
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot
Word Count: 3,490
Summary: Now that he thought about it, they had been spending a hell of a lot of time together.
He'd seen some odd things in his life.
Especially in the past decade, considering his establishment seemed to be deemed the habitual stop of a certain loud but cheerful blond and his companions.
Actually, he'd come to the point of expecting the unexpected when it came to this particular group of shinobi.
He bore witness to the astounding growth, maturation, and change in Naruto as well as his team. He remembered how tentative the young gennin team started out. Moreover, he could not forget the heartbreak after the team had disbanded.
Naruto's return and the formation of a new team had brightened the dismal days filled with regret he so often saw in their young eyes.
Things had finally seemed to turn for the better. Naruto had exponentially grown never loosing his cheerful ways. Sakura seemed to have forged her way in life and became disastrously strong. The new boy Sai… he was an odd one, but he was truly was gifted in art.
And all the attention and trouble that this group caused could generally be traced back to Naruto.
This is how, Teuchi, the proud owner of Ichiraku could anticipate dilemmas.
Wherever that boy went, mayhem was sure to follow.
What was abnormal about today was that is was actually Sakura who had attracted trouble in the shape of a man.
If he had to describe the man named Hidan, he could only say that he was quite eclectically freakish.
Though some of his customers were uneasy, he paid it no mind. Actually, he smiled at the sight the pair made. There never seemed to be a dull moment in his life anymore. For that, he couldn't be more thankful.
…
"Seriously, why are we here?"
Glancing at the irate man Sakura could only roll her eyes. "Because Naruto is still hospitalized from his last mission and is bored, which means he's annoying me. This way he'll shut up and leave me to my work."
After placing several takeout orders, Sakura took the lead to sit at the counter with Hidan following suite.
Looking at the kunoichi with a raised brow Hidan asked oh so eloquently, why the hell she'd do such a stupid thing when she's always complaining how the kid was constantly eating that shit.
"Hidan!" she smacked him upside the head "Don't be rude! Ichiraku ramen is very good. Naruto is just an obsessed glutton."
With a far away look and smile the platinum blond (or was it silver? Sakura could never tell) remarked smugly "Jashin-sama would love a sacrifice like that kid" his gaze had directed towards her "gluttony is on of the worst sins in the dogma. He makes a freaking good candidate."
Used to these kinds of remarks Sakura unabashedly deadpanned "Well you're a glutton for punishment. What makes you any better?"
Hidan could only laugh. It was true after all.
Seriously, she was the only person he could have a conversation with that concerned Jashin-sama and not be closed-minded or better yet not shy away from the thought of his denomination. When his laughter ebbed, he noted her mirth.
Then in all seriousness, as an act of reverence he stated (more like proclaimed) "I'm Jashin-sama's hands. I live out his will. And I'm fucking good at it too." He added a wink for good measure.
With a huff, she flipped her hair away from her ear. "You know, you're probably the most narcissistic man I've met. And that's saying something."
To Hidan that was quite the compliment. He knew his worth and he flaunted it. After all, he received what most heathens could only dream of; divine intervention. Her noticing his worth made him want to preen.
"Ah come on!" he smirked "You yourself told me I'm one damned interesting 'anomaly'."
Her quick and slightly defensive rebuttal was that was merely a clinical analysis. How else could she possibly describe the man that had been dismembered and buried for a few years that was now currently sitting next to her and partaking in playful banter?
You're in denial he said. "You know you fucking love me."
Her blush to that statement was not something he expected though.
He'd known his 'overseer' for almost three years now and there was never any indication of anything more than a sadistic relationship between the two. They both had rather nasty tempers and senses of humor after all.
Sakura merely "Feh'd" as she exchanged money and ramen with the cook then mumbled as an afterthought "in your dreams ya old man."
She was still blushing. And Hidan felt none too shabby considering that he learned the only times he'd seen her blush was when he was the main topic.
And she had been blushing a lot lately…
Now that he thought about it, they had been spending a hell of a lot of time together.
And if the look the cook was sending the two of them was any indication, he noticed that too.
Exiting the food stall, he walked alongside the pink haired shinobi. He placed his hands behind his head, mindful of his recently returned scythe, and pensively looked down at the top of her head.
It was freaking weird how content he's been this past year in a half. He'd never really lived in a village before. He had simply drifted from place to place doing Jashin-sama's will. That was until he joined the Akatsuki.
His eyes narrowed at the thought.
Personally, he'd never really given a damn about what was going on in the world. So long as he could do whatever his Kami deemed to fit, he was perfectly content.
So he joined the Akatsuki on the whim of "Why the fuck not?" He'd get more than enough opportunities to make some seriously impressive sacrifices. He was game.
Then the bastards fucking betrayed him, and by default of association, they betrayed Jashin-sama too. He could picture all the ways he could dispatch their lives. Personally, he'd like to see what their entrails would look like as they were strung up. That would be a sight.
They all knew he couldn't die. So even though he was defeated by that Nara kid it would have been easy enough for them to find him, dig him up, and put him back together.
But the jackasses actually left him to fucking rot for eternity in that damn hole!
Thankfully, this thirst for revenge let him walk about the village freely. It annoyed him that he was forced to work with the Leaf-nin though. He had sworn he would make his old 'comrades' pay at all costs, and these leaf shinobi would no doubt hold him back.
With a start he was brought out of his dark mood thanks to an elbow to this ribs caused by the little medic standing beside him.
As they were currently stopped, Sakura was looking up at him with an odd look in her eye.
Curious, he'd never realized how seriously short she was. She came up to his collarbone. Maybe…
"You mind not projecting that killer intent. And stop looking like your about to cleave the next person you see in half."
"Oi! It's not my fault your village has pansy ass nin and civilians. I'll do whatever the hell I want!"
Placing one hand on her hip, as the other held the takeout, Sakura merely glared. "Anyone ever tell you you're annoying?"
Bringing his hands down from his head, he smirked. "Only you and that cheapskate bastard Kakuzo."
With a snort and a rueful smile she simply said for him to watch it cause if she caught him doing his ritual to any member of the leaf village she'd personally punch him in the head so hard he'd be back to being the headless wonder.
He let out a dark smile.
He knew she could damn well make good on that threat too. There was this one time when he'd seen her cause structural damage with just the flick of a finger.
He revealed at the memories of her creating utter chaos.
Actually, thinking back on it he's been pretty successful in his plan of covertly trying convert her. When they'd get in heated discussions, he always made it a point to plant a seed of doubt in her reasoning.
After all, to be without the knowledge of Jashin-sama was the absolute worst sin in his eyes.
He even went as far as getting her a rosary similar to his own a few months back.
Though he didn't expect her to be wearing it anytime soon, he was pleased that she seemed 'touched' (females and their emotions) by the gift. He especially took notice of how reverently she handled it. It brought him hope. She may not believe yet, but she at least had the respect.
Eternity was a very long time, and in the past year, Hidan had realized that Sakura was one hell of a companion. If he could manage to convert her and get Jashin to bless her as he was, he could very well see them together.
And he knew that was in the bag. Divine matchmaking at its best, thy name is Jashin. He just needed to convince her.
Well, that, and there has to be some changes of course. He thought darkly. He knew that with proper time and influence anyone could change.
As it was, it was a fucking miracle that she knew of his habits and desires in life and they didn't seem to bother her considering she wasn't one of the Claw like himself.
Hidan had no doubt that he'd prevail. He'd seen her on many occasions enjoying the damage she had created in battle.
She was vicious.
He was vicious.
It only made sense for them to hook up.
As they continued on to the hospital, Hidan realized this was the perfect moment to continue his agenda.
"What's the point of living? Seriously. Everyone just jacks around with no reverence to the creator. Fucking pisses me off."
Slightly surprised Sakura gave him a sidelong glance. Honestly, she didn't know what was wrong with her. She had found herself more often then not with him even when she wasn't assigned to watch him anymore. What was worse she actually enjoyed spending time with him.
She supposed, as she considered his question, that he had what some would call an 'old soul'. Or maybe he was just really old. She wrinkled her nose.
She forgot about that immortality thing every now and then.
Thus the nick name "old man".
But there weren't many people in the village who were willing to dwell on the mysteries of life with her.
Well she started as she scratched her nose "Personally for me I live to better myself. I want to learn as much as I can and experience all that I can. Not to mention I want to kick some serious ass from time to time." She ended in a laugh.
"Should've expected such a lame response from you." Smirking he then proceeded on a lengthy explanation of existing solely for the pleasure and honor of Jashin.
As the pair crossed the threshold of the hospital, Hidan finally finished and waited for a response.
You wouldn't know it by looking at him but he was actually decent at debating, well… when it came to his faith he was.
"I can't say I agree on all that" she raised her hand to stop him from interrupting "But I can say that I envy your steadfast faith."
As Sakura looked up into his eyes when they turned down the corridor to Naruto's room, she noted his surprise.
With a self-depreciating smile, she conceded that she wished she "believed there was something after death." It would be a relief she said, "To have hope." She hadn't had that type of luxury "in a long time."
Currently the pair was standing in front of Naruto's door looking at one another.
Hidan, even if he liked this blond friend of Sakura's more than the female blond, really didn't want to visit the loud mouth. He'd much rather make himself scarce, or avoid the meet and greet entirely.
It wasn't very often she would mention anything personal about herself to anyone, never mind himself.
Not to mention it seemed he hit the jackpot right now. She had lost faith in the world, and he could very well give her what she lost and desperately seemed to want.
He freakin' needed to be smooth as silk.
Hidan threw open the imbecile's door and brushed past the kunoichi declaring, that it's okay. Not everyone could be damn perfect like himself. It wasn't entirely her fault that she was deprived.
…
"What are you doing here!?" Naruto yelled and pointed as he jumped to his feet on his gurney.
"Nice to see you too whelp."
"Naruto! Get back into that bed and off your leg! And calm down!"
Eyes bulging and pupils shrinking he continued pointing at Hidan as he cried out "But Sakura-chan! Last time Holy-Boy was near me, he started throwing water at me chanting in some crazy language! Said he was going to exercise me of my ways!"
"Tch. You were fucking spying on the women's bath fox boy!" Hidan yelled back with a visible vein popping "Seriously it's called self restraint! You depraved sack of flesh!"
After a quick intervention on Sakura's part, which led to both men getting a lump on their head, she went to check on Naruto's progress.
"Your compound fracture in the leg is healing along nicely. Thankfully, Shishou managed to get all the bone fragments out and no arteries were nicked. Concussion seems to have left no residual effects. All in all I think you'll be good to go by tomorrow Naruto."
"Dattebayo!" He punched the air.
"Oh by the way Naruto I brought you some ramen." Sakura said as she reached down to pick up the previously forgotten bag of food.
Laughing as she handed the ecstatic blond the food she brushed off all the grateful chatter she was receiving. "What else were friends for?" She told him.
…
As Naruto gobbled down his ramen, he realized that his favorite pink-headed friend had gotten really close to the ex-Akatsuki.
His eyes became the trademark squint that indicated he was in deep thought.
His eyes further narrowed as he saw Sakura laughing at something that religious freak said.
Granted, he kind of liked Hidan too, he was never bored when that guy was around.
But he didn't like Hidan when he looked at his Sakura-chan like that. It looked like he was waiting for the opportune moment to…well to do something.
He watched as Sakura quickly jumped up exclaiming "Shishou's gonna kill me! Sorry gotta go guys!" Then he could clearly hear her feet book it out of his room and down halls.
Turning his head he found himself staring into violet eyes, and a staring competition of sorts began between the two.
"Maa stop doing that." Naruto ordered as he returned to slurping his ramen.
Cocking his head to the side and sliding his hair back, Hidan merely raised a bow.
It looked like he was being ignored. Naruto just opened a new ramen container and started eating anew.
With a vein popping, Hidan mouthed off that unless Naruto had a fucking point he was getting the hell out of here.
Continuing to slurp and squint Naruto commented, "You look at Sakura really weird sometimes. Like you're gonna eat her or something. Stop doing that."
A slow smirk crept upon the worshipper's face.
"Maybe I do want to eat her."
Spurting out his ramen Naruto stared wide eyed at Hidan who let a malevolent look cross his face.
"In more ways than one." He continued.
"Don't you dare touch Sakura-chan like that." Naruto glowered as he put down his ramen.
What, Hidan started; could Naruto possibly do to stop him? Besides, it's not like he was going to sacrifice Sakura. No, "Sakura is meant for much more."
The heady look in his eyes was something akin to ominous.
Sitting up to his full height in the hospital bed Naruto stared Hidan square in the eyes.
"I don't know what you're planning to do you teme; but if you hurt Sakura-chan, I will shred you to pieces and chuck you back into a hole." With a ferocious look, Naruto added softly but deadly "And this time you'll stay there."
Hidan let loose a laugh "Damn brat! Fuckin' calm down would ya?"
As he sobered himself up Hidan crossed his arms and added in all seriousness, "I already told you a while back, nothing is ever going to harm Sakura while I'm around. Myself included."
Naruto took on the look of scrutiny again.
"Maa you're a really confusing bastard."
Hidan continued to smirk.
"I don't see why you can't just tell Sakura-chan you love her." The utterly malicious smile that Naruto possessed but showed only when he schemed, finally came to light as he continued, "You follow her around like a love sick puppy anyhow. It should be easy for you."
Hidan now sported a sharp glare. And told Naruto he should keep his god-damned mouth shut before he ripped his tongue out.
Undaunted, Naruto began to cackle as he noticed Hidan headed for the door. "You know what I think? I think you're afraid of commitment Hidan."
Considering Hidan froze at the door, Naruto thought he was beyond clever. That smugness however was quickly shattered when Hidan turned and gave one of the most mocking smiles the Kyuubi Vessel ever received in his life.
"Maybe," Hidan started as he smoothed back his hair, "you should be more concerned that I'm far too committed. I'm stubborn as a freakin' ox, and" he leveled a challenging stare "I'm in it for good." Then he quickly slid open the hospital door and left.
"…What a drama queen." Naruto mumbled moodily a few minutes after Hidan's hasty departure whilst sitting and slurping down now cold and soggy ramen.
…
Sakura burst into the Hokage's office just about to blurt out about twenty different apologies when Tsunade herself snidely cut her off. "I'm beginning to think Kakashi has rubbed off on you Sakura. You've nearly been late every day these past three weeks."
Cowing a bit at her Shishou's bluntness Sakura had the decency to scratch the back of her neck and give a nervous gulp.
With a slight smirk that turned from annoyance to amusement, the busty blond continued "Let me guess, you just lost track of time in the scheme of live as you reveled in youth?"
More than abashed Sakura gaped and floundered for words, but her blush was her downfall to any way of escape with dignity.
Oh this really bites… the poor medic thought, as her Shishou continued to lecture her about relationships and how to balance them with work.
What was really disconcerting, Sakura thought as she was finally allowed to leave her teacher's office, was that Tsunade was right. That her "dilly dally relationship" with Hidan had the same potential to equal, if not rival the Sasuke debacle.
How depressing.
What's worse is that she really and honestly liked spending time with Hidan. He was funny, and she couldn't stop herself from blushing whenever he did something remotely sweet for her.
Damn her hormones! She knew precisely how and why those hormones would be released from the glands, and how they would affect the body. It's simply nature taking its course.
Of course that doesn't mean squat in real life! Lately no matter what, any time she stood anywhere remotely near Hidan she'd get all antsy. As if… she had to do something, show off, strut her stuff, i.e. let the man know she was interested.
Slapping a palm against her forehead Sakura was beside herself with unduly angst like feelings that would have better befit her twelve year old counterpart not her current at twenty two.
It can't possibly be this difficult with everyone. It had to have been her luck, the freaking shrew that never had a real date or a relationship in her life, that she had taken the prerogative to try and start actively dating an ex-Akatsuki member this late in the game.
Do you just randomly say "hey, wanna be my boyfriend? I think we'd be swell together you and I" and then go on all la-de-da? As if the world was terrific?
Then again, with Hidan, all she probably had to do was give him a saucy wink. Although, he'd probably just try to sex her up till the cows came home.
Ugh.
Kami if you're out there, Sakura thought, help me not make a fool of myself…again.
She shuddered in mortification at the thought of the first time she and Hidan met. That had not been one of her better moments…
…