Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, situations, etc. are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. I can only hope to inspire others with my words.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_I've been living a lonely life_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
As dawn broke, I returned to our house in Alaska. I had stayed away all night, I was supposed to be hunting but in reality I was wallowing, struggling with the damage I had caused my family with my carelessness. Alice was waiting for me in our room but as I looked around I realized that it was no longer 'our' room. "I'm sorry Jazz but I can't keep pretending that we are okay. I don't blame you for what happened but I can't stand by while you waste away, disappearing right in front of my…our eyes. You are not the monster you think you are and if you still can't see that then I know we are lost. I love you but it's time for you to find the one who can convince you that you are worth loving."
I stood there stunned, feeling Ali's love, concern and sincerity. It was over for her and I didn't know how I had missed the changes in her emotions, it had to have been a slow progression, one that I would have noticed if I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own feelings of guilt and grief. She looked at me with concern and continued on, "Jazz, I understand that everything has been hard since Bella's birthday but you need to see that it was not your fault, I know Bella well enough to be able to say that she wouldn't blame you either. I was so sure of what I saw that I never considered an alternative…" "Stop!" I shouted at her, "Stop trying to make me feel better. It's never going to be okay, I can never forgive myself for what I've done, to us, to our family and especially to Bella. She loved us all and I ruined it for her, I took everything from her. You are wrong Ali, I am a monster and I don't deserve to be surrounded by a loving family when I stole that very thing from her." Alice floundered for a response, I could see and feel the shock at the vehemence in my voice but my mind was made up, I had to leave at least for now.
"I will always love you Ali, all of you but I need some space and time. I'll leave in the morning once I've packed up all my stuff." Alice reeled, as I stood there I could see the visions flashing across her face, see her resignation, her acceptance and finally peace settled on her face. "Fine, I understand, I don't agree but I understand. You have to promise me that you will come back. Please don't let this be for forever. We will always be family regardless of where you are or how long you are gone for. I'll explain to the family, they won't be back until the day after tomorrow." Throughout our discussion I had barely recognized that the only emotions I felt were our own; the only sounds I heard were our own, the house was oddly silent if not actually peaceful. The house hadn't been peaceful in a very long time...not since Forks, maybe with my departure that could change. "The couples went away for the weekend hoping to recharge and rekindle some of what we have all been missing these past few months." With that Alice left me to my thoughts, shouting out to me about brooding too much and becoming Edward's clone. I grimaced and resolved to focus on something else for the time being, my trip maybe. I wasn't sure where to go or what I hoped to get from leaving but something needed to change. I was as far north as I could be and still be in the US so that meant the only place to go if I stayed in the North was Canada, which was fun when Emmett was around what with all the bears, but I would prefer to head south. I would prefer to avoid Washington; if I was trying to escape the feelings of guilt and grief then heading towards Forks was a bad idea. I could head east to Montana or Wyoming, look up Peter and Char but I didn't want to face their sympathy and their questions. They were able to understand where I came from, coming from the same hellish upbringing with the uber-bitch Maria so they understood my self-loathing but they had managed to separate that place, that part of their pasts from who they were now and who they would be in the future. The longer I thought about it, the fewer places I had to go; the country was shrinking, couldn't head too far south because of Maria and couldn't stay in the Northwest. Most people like to escape to warm, sunny spots but that was mostly out. It was hard to stay inconspicuous when you were trying to avoid sparkling, plus temperature doesn't really affect us. Warm or cold it was all the same for us, our main concern was whether or not our dinner was hibernating.
The house was quiet that night; Alice gave me my space which I appreciated. It still hadn't hit me that we were done, I wasn't sure how to feel about it to be honest. I still remember walking into that Café clear as day and seeing her, a little scared about running into another of my kind. I wasn't sure what to expect but as always expectations didn't mean much to Alice, she shocked me for sure when she accused me of keeping her waiting. Waiting for what?! Me? Surely not, but then I was relieved, being alone was easy sure but having someone there was so much better. She took me with her and we fell into a friendship which eventually became love. She was easy to love, even when I wanted to throttle her for being the most annoying pixie ever. We knew our love wasn't the big one but eventually you need to stop waiting and love what you have. Yes, there are almost seven billion people on this planet but only the tiniest fraction of those are vampires. For my family, it's even harder to meet new vampires since we usually stay in one place. Furthermore they tend to avoid us as oddities, the braver ones may search us out as a curiosity but once they lay their eyes on me they recoil in fear. My scars remind them of the viciousness of our kind and that we are in fact mortal. With an eternity, the idea of the one can loom on the horizon, visible off in the distance; always far away, out of reach. It taunts you, teases you, torments you. With all those people it might seem like a guarantee but in truth it's mostly a torment you have to deal with, an impossibility even. Plus with my background, it seems far more likely that I would come across an enemy instead of my mate. Emmett and I joked about Edward's mate being either a human or Tanya, either possibility horrified us. Emmett was much more amused by humans but I knew that the thought of their blood would only lead to one thing and it wasn't one that promised their survival. If my mate was human, she would surely be lost to me. The dawn was coming, now more than ever I needed to let the road guide me, take me to wherever and whomever.
This was originally a one shot submitted to the Ho Hey Contest. I'm splitting it up into 4 chapters. I'm not sure if I will be extending it past the original ending but I hope to put up a companion piece from Bella's point of view during that same time period. Please bear with me as I get a hang of this!