A/N – Just a little something I would have liked to seen today! I miss my Jolu! Merry Christmas to all of my readers! Leave me a lovely comment if you have the time!
All I Want for Christmas is You
"Mike, get out of here!," Lulu exclaimed, practically pushing Mike out of Kelly's.
"I can't let you work Christmas Eve for me, Lulu," Mike argued.
Lulu had stopped in to Kelly's to get hot chocolate before heading over to her brother's house for their family Christmas. However, she had found a very gloomy Mike who's help had called in sick, causing him to miss Christmas Eve at Sonny's house with Michael and Morgan. Lulu had quickly volunteered to work for the two hours until closing so Mike could go, but he was putting up a fight.
"Seriously, Spencer's are night owls, they will be there all night. But your family get together will be over if you wait until after closing time," Lulu said reasonably.
"Are you absolutely sure?" Mike asked.
"Yes," Lulu nodded.
"Thank you, Lulu," Mike said, his voice laced with appreciation. "You'll get time and a half pay. You know what, double time."
"No need," Lulu replied. "Just have fun."
Lulu laughed as Mike thanked her yet again and then left the diner. Truthfully, she was happy to be putting off going to Lucky's house to see her family. There had been something off between them recently and she feared that Christmas would be the day it all blew up and the last thing she wanted was to have her mother's favorite holiday ruined.
Lulu smiled, thinking of Laura and wishing she could see her this Christmas. She was saving up money for a trip to Paris to see Laura and spend at least a week with her. It had been too long since she had seen her mom face to face and there were a lot of things Lulu wanted advice about. Mainly about the length of time it takes a broken heart to heal.
As if the world was against her, or maybe for her, the bell to Kelly's rang and in walked Johnny. Lulu's breath caught in her throat at the sight of him as it always had. He looked so gorgeous in his heavy winter coat as he dusted the snowflakes from his shoulders. He still hadn't noticed her behind the counter and Lulu wondered what she should say to him or if she should let him speak first. He hung his coat on the rack and turned to her and simply smiled, as if she was a pleasant surprise. Taken off guard by that reaction, Lulu just smiled in return and made a show of wiping the counter, desperately needing to keep her hands busy.
"What has you working on this Christmas Eve?" Johnny asked.
"I stopped in earlier and found out Mike's waitress had called in sick," Lulu explained. "I couldn't let him miss Christmas with his family, so I volunteered."
"Well, aren't you missing Christmas with your family to be here?" Johnny wondered.
"They'll still be celebrating when it's time for closing," Lulu shrugged. "Plus it's the same every year."
"If I'm not mistaken, you love Christmas because it's the same every year," Johnny said, taking a seat at the counter. "It's the only day when your family is normal like everyone else."
"I wish you didn't remember all of the things I say," Lulu laughed.
"Why?" Johnny asked.
"It makes it impossible to lie to you," Lulu said, shaking her head.
"Well, even if I didn't remember that particular thing I would have still known you were lying," Johnny replied. "I just know you."
"So how would you have known?" Lulu wondered.
"Well, you love your mom and she loves Christmas," Johnny said thoughtfully. "So you would go to family Christmas even if you hated it, for her sake. Let's see, your brothers are always busy all year, but they make time for family on Christmas and you wouldn't miss the opportunity to see both of them at the same time. And finally, even if I knew none of those things, you shrugged and made a point to look at me when you said it because you thought if you did that I would be convinced."
"That's creepy," Lulu responded, trying to hide the smile from her face. "So, what brings you here?"
"The best cup of coffee in town and refuge from the snow," Johnny answered.
"Still hate snow, huh?" Lulu wondered, pouring him a cup of coffee.
"I don't hate it," Johnny argued.
"Okay, strongly dislike it," Lulu said, laughing softly.
"I have nothing against the snow itself as long as I'm inside," Johnny replied, taking a sip of his coffee. "What I don't like is the cold, wet texture it has."
"Well, I love the snow," Lulu smirked.
"Don't I know it," Johnny laughed.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Lulu asked.
"Let's sit out in the cold and wait forever for little white powder to fall from the sky," Johnny said, doing his best Lulu voice.
"Okay, if you had a problem you didn't have to do it," Lulu countered.
"What was my other option? Disappoint you?" Johnny questioned. "I wanted you to have the best New Year's Eve ever."
"Well, I did," Lulu smiled. "So, I guess, thanks for suffering."
"I wasn't suffering," Johnny replied. "Seeing you smile like you did then, like you are right now is not suffering."
Johnny's eyes held Lulu's for a moment before Lulu looked away, trying to decipher his words. Even his simplest of statements sent her reeling, wondering if there was a deeper meaning to what he was saying. The intense stare that was unique to him always made her feel a little weak in the knees, but combined with the kind words he had just said, she almost fainted. Which was ridiculous. He was just being Johnny and probably had no idea the effect he was having on her.
"So what are your plans for tonight?" Lulu asked, trying to change the subject.
"I don't know," Johnny sighed. "I considered visiting my mom's grave or going to see my father in prison. I wish I could visit Claudia's grave, but that doesn't exist."
"I can't imagine how hard it must be for you spending your first Christmas without Claudia," Lulu said sympathetically.
"Well, she was gone for so long when I was growing up," Johnny started. "It's not really the first without her."
"You're not the only one who has super lie-detecting powers," Lulu said, looking into Johnny's eyes. "It's okay to miss her. To wish she was still here."
"I don't know how you maintain that heart of yours," Johnny said with a sad smile.
"Stop deflecting," Lulu requested. "We're the only two in here and you can tell me anything."
"I do miss her," Johnny admitted quietly. "She did a lot of stupid things and hurt a lot of people, me included. But she was my sister. She was blood and she always tried to protect me. I don't know, maybe if one person other than me seemed to care that she was dead I could get over it. But they don't. Frankly, I'm surprised Sonny didn't throw another party in honor of her being gone."
"I know it seems like no one cares, but that's not true," Lulu replied. "I care."
"You have no reason to," Johnny shook his head. "Michael is your cousin and you and Claudia fought like cats and dogs."
"I care because it hurts you," Lulu said, touching Johnny's hand that was on the counter.
"I appreciate that," Johnny said, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.
Lulu didn't know why it felt so natural to be standing across from Johnny holding his hand in comfort. Maybe it was because no matter how much time and distance was put between them, they still had the connection that had formed within seconds of meeting each other. Or maybe it was because even after the hell they'd been through, they were still stronger together. Lulu didn't want to get caught up in her feelings because she didn't know what Johnny was thinking or feeling, so she withdrew her hand and turned back to the coffee pot.
"Do you want some pie?" Lulu wondered as she refilled his cup. "We have pumpkin and pecan."
"Any apple?" Johnny asked.
"Just one piece," Lulu replied.
"I'll split it with you," Johnny offered.
"Okay," Lulu agreed, putting the slice of pie onto a plate and grabbing two forks.
"I've always favored the apple," Johnny said, taking a bite.
"Why is that?" Lulu wondered.
"Well, this one time when I had been hurt, someone brought me Mike's apple pie and it has tasted better to me ever since," Johnny answered, smiling at Lulu.
"It's my favorite, too," Lulu smiled, taking a bite as well. "So you never said why you were out in the snow before getting here? From the looks of how much snow you dusted off, you had been for awhile."
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Johnny said, blushing slightly.
"Try me," Lulu replied.
"Well, my old boss from the Christmas tree lot called me needing some help for tonight," Johnny explained. "And since I was all alone and can always use a few bucks, I decided to help."
"You're right, that is hard to believe," Lulu laughed. "But last year you worked until midnight. Why are you done so early?"
"Sold all the trees," Johnny shrugged.
"I bet that was the last thing you wanted," Lulu mused.
"I could have used a few more hours of distraction," Johnny admitted. "But I get to have coffee and pie with you, so I don't have to look very far for a silver lining."
"I'm glad you stopped by," Lulu said, taking their empty pie plate to the sink. "By the way, do you need any ibuprofen or anything?"
"No, why would I?" Johnny asked.
"Last year your back always hurt after work," Lulu clarified.
"Oh, right," Johnny said, hiding his eyes.
"What?" Lulu questioned, narrowing her eyes at him.
"Nothing, I guess the pain just hasn't set in yet," Johnny replied, smiling.
"Don't lie to me, Zacchara," Lulu warned.
"Well, my back never really hurt," Johnny admitted, sheepishly. "I kind of just told you that so you would take care of me."
"So all of those back rubs weren't necessary?" Lulu asked.
"No," Johnny answered, laughing slightly. "I just liked what always happened afterwards."
"Don't laugh," Lulu said seriously. "You took advantage of my pity."
"Took advantage?" Johnny countered, laughing even harder. "You never once complained."
"I can't believe you played me," Lulu said, shaking her head and beginning to laugh as well.
"It was for a good cause," Johnny smiled.
"The sex was good," Lulu muttered and then blushed. "That was out loud wasn't it?"
"Yes, but you shouldn't be embarrassed," Johnny smirked. "I'm certainly not going to disagree."
"This is a strange conversation," Lulu noted.
"Yet, probably not the strangest we've ever had," Johnny laughed.
"You know, it's still comfortable," Lulu said, her face sobering from the laughter.
"I think it always will be," Johnny replied, knowing exactly what she meant. "I hope so, anyway."
"Why are you alone today, Johnny?" Lulu asked bluntly.
"It's not like I have family to be with," Johnny shrugged.
"I'm not talking about family, Johnny," Lulu pressed. "You have a girlfriend. Why aren't you with her?"
"I overheard Sonny ask her to his house," Johnny explained. "She said it wouldn't be right because of me. Not that she didn't want to or whatever. I'm no one's obligation, so I cut her loose."
"Merry Christmas," Lulu said sarcastically and Johnny chuckled.
"Too harsh?" Johnny wondered.
"Not at all," Lulu answered. "You did what was best for you."
"What about you?" Johnny asked.
"What about me?" Lulu countered.
"No plans with Dominic tonight?" Johnny questioned.
"No," Lulu replied.
"You should know that I know the truth about him," Johnny said quietly. "After you warned me on the docks, I listened in and overheard you say who he really was."
"Johnny, I'm sorry," Lulu offered.
"For what? You were honest with me," Johnny said with a smile. "You've always been honest with me."
"Not always," Lulu muttered. "There are a lot of things I didn't say to you. And being honest doesn't just mean not lying. It means not withholding any part of the truth."
"I'm listening," Johnny replied. "You can say anything you want to me."
"I thought what you did, the lying and cheating, I thought it might actually kill me," Lulu began. "It hurt so much more than anything I'd ever been through. But the worst part was I knew all you had to do was say you were sorry and I would forgive you and try to make things the way they used to be again. Because all I wanted was to love you and for you to love me. I hate that I would have been such a pushover because that's not who I am."
Lulu took a deep breath and watched Johnny react to the words she had spoken. She could tell she had hurt him, but she had more to say and she hoped her words to come would ease the pain she had caused.
"But that wasn't your fault," Lulu continued. "You didn't turn me into the desperate girl who was clinging to any love she could get. You just showed me real love for the first time and I'm grateful for that. I think that as much as we loved each other, it never would have worked for us before. We weren't ready to be in such a serious relationship. Now that I've matured, I see that all the love in the world doesn't make a couple last. It takes trust, not just in each other, but in yourself. We didn't have that."
"You're right," Johnny breathed. "Everything you said. I couldn't love you enough to make up for the fact that I didn't trust myself with your heart. All along I expected to hurt you and because of that I ended up fulfilling my own expectations."
"Johnny, it's not all your fault," Lulu said softly, placing her hand over his again. "I didn't trust myself either. I didn't think I was enough to keep you interested."
"Are you kidding?" Johnny asked. "I've always been interested."
Lulu looked at Johnny and tried to convince herself that he didn't intentionally say his words in the present tense. He was just caught up in the conversation. She felt her heartbeat accelerate as he squeezed her hand again. She pulled back and glanced at the clock behind his head.
"Oh wow," Lulu laughed. "It's already past closing time."
"Time flies," Johnny muttered, watching Lulu quickly go flip the sign to read closed.
"Well, thanks for helping pass the time for me," Lulu said, trying to keep from blushing under Johnny's gaze.
"Lulu, I want to be honest with you, too," Johnny said, causing Lulu to stop in her tracks.
"I don't think you need to," Lulu replied, rinsing out the coffee pot.
"I think I do," Johnny pressed. "It's like you said before. Being honest means saying things that you've previously left unsaid."
"I'm going to be late for Christmas with my family," Lulu tried, but Johnny frowned.
"You're already late. Give me two minutes, please," Johnny begged.
"Okay," Lulu nodded and took a seat on the stool beside Johnny.
"I never once stopped loving you," Johnny confessed. "I know I didn't show you how I felt and that was a conscious choice. I am a professional at self-destructing. I know exactly what to do to make my life hell and I do it all the time. I did it with you more times than I can count and I was afraid that eventually I was going to destroy you, too. So I finally found a way to self-destruct that you wouldn't forgive me for and I was full-speed ahead doing it before I even considered the possibility that I didn't have to be miserable."
"We were young, Johnny," Lulu sighed. "We both made mistakes."
"We're still young, Lu," Johnny smirked, using the nickname he only used when he needed to break down her walls. "And we're probably going to make more mistakes."
"What are you saying?" Lulu asked.
"I'm saying, I love you," Johnny answered. "And you're right, before we weren't ready to start a life together. But we've both grown up a lot this year and I think we're ready now."
"Our lives have gone in completely different directions since we broke up, how are we ready?" Lulu demanded.
"I'm not saying let's just pretend the past never happened or suddenly get married," Johnny explained. "I know we can't forget the past and I don't want to. What I want is to earn your trust again. To learn to trust myself. To trust that me loving you won't break you."
"Johnny," Lulu breathed.
"Lulu, I want to know that I still have an honest chance with the love of my life," Johnny said softly. "So, if you don't love me anymore, okay. I won't push you. But if you do, I'm asking for a chance to be the man you spend the rest of your life with."
"I'm afraid," Lulu admitted. "What if you wake up tomorrow and you've changed your mind?"
"I've screwed up a lot in my life," Johnny sighed. "So, I don't blame you for doubting me. I doubt me, which is a big problem, but I want to fix it. I want to do whatever it takes so that you can trust me and I can trust me and we can be together. Because there are two things I know are true in my life. One, I should not have survived everything I've been through, but somehow I did and if my purpose in life is to love you with everything I have, I'm certainly not going to waste another second not fulfilling that purpose."
Lulu smiled at that statement and she could feel her resolve crumbling. She wanted Johnny back in her life and if there was one person she'd risk everything for, it was him. In a heartbeat, it was him. With every heartbeat, it was him.
"What's the other one?" Lulu asked and Johnny gave her a look of confusion. "You said two things you know are true. What's the other one?"
"Two, my life isn't just better with you in it," Johnny smiled. "You make my life worth living. Because when I see my future, I just can't see anything that doesn't include your smile."
"I only really smile for you," Lulu said softly, offering up the smile Johnny was craving. "I haven't really smiled since...since you tripped over the rug in our apartment and almost broke your neck."
"You didn't just smile then, you almost killed yourself laughing," Johnny replied, laughing at the memory.
"Well, it's not every day you get to see the oh-so-smooth, Johnny Zacchara fall on his ass," Lulu laughed.
"I think you forgot charming," Johnny smirked.
"I miss smiling," Lulu said honestly. "I miss you. I miss us."
"Me too," Johnny agreed.
"Your two minutes are up," Lulu noted, looking at the clock and Johnny's face fell slightly. "But, lucky for you, I want to spend the rest of my life listening to you tell me you love me. I think it will probably be difficult, but I want to learn how to trust our relationship completely. Because you make my life worth living, too."
"I love you so much," Johnny confessed, moving to stand in front of Lulu.
"I love you, too," Lulu replied, standing and rising on her tiptoes, so their eyes were level.
Johnny closed the rest of the distance and gently pressed his lips to hers in a sweet kiss that held promise for their future. She wrapped her arms around his neck and his hands settled at her waste as the kiss deepened. When they finally pulled away, Lulu buried her head against Johnny's chest and he held her as close to him as possible.
"You're family is going to kill me for making you so late," Johnny muttered against her hair.
"Well, when they see that I'm finally happy again, I think they'll give you a pass," Lulu said, winking at him as she pulled away and headed for the door.
"I wouldn't be so sure," Johnny joked, following Lulu. "Last I checked, Lucky hates me."
"Yeah, but Lucky has changed a lot recently," Lulu noted. "He seems like a whole new person."
"Do you want to meet me tomorrow so we can talk again?" Johnny asked as they exited Kelly's and Lulu locked the diner.
"No, you're coming with me right now," Lulu said decisively. "And I'm not letting you out of my sight for at least three days."
"Is that so?" Johnny asked, smirking deviously.
"It is so," Lulu affirmed with a wicked gleam in her eye.
"In that case, I think I should mention my back is really starting to hurt from that hard work at the Christmas tree lot," Johnny whispered in her ear.
"Aww, do you need a back rub?" Lulu wondered, her innocent tone in complete contrast with the look in her eyes.
"Yeah," Johnny sighed in content as Lulu raised on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.
"I think that can be arranged," Lulu breathed in his ear.
"You always take care of me," Johnny smiled, wrapping his arms around her back.
"And you always take care of me," Lulu countered.
"Merry Christmas, Lulu," Johnny said against her lips.
"Merry Christmas, Johnny," Lulu replied, pressing her lips to his.