Child of the Chiefest Calamity

Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time or The Hobbit. No profit gained here but a few laughs.

Note: A short crack!fic that I've had on my mind since the Season 4 finale. Maleficent was one of my favorite parts of the season and I really wish we will get to learn more about her being a dragon. Honestly, dragons are endlessly fascinating and I hope their mythology gets expanded and explored in the next season.

I saw someone mention this crossover as a joke and I found it hilarious idea for a fic, even just a really short one. I needed to get this out of my system so that I could share the sheer absurdity of it with the world.

Enjoy!

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Lily stared at the egg shell fragment on her necklace, the only piece she had to the puzzle of her identity. She was glad, of course, to have found her mother after searching her whole life for her family. It had been a long and complicated journey, but she had gotten her wish in the end. She was happy, happier than she had ever been in a life full of anger and rejection.

But she still felt like something was missing.

Maleficent sympathized and tried her best to comfort her daughter. As happy as the mother was to be reunited with her only child, she still felt slightly hurt that she was not enough for Lily to feel whole. And she lamented that particularity of their kind that prevented her from knowing or remembering the identity of Lily's father.

"I wish I could tell you more," Mal told her daughter sadly, "but I have absolutely no memories of that time. Being in dragon form, I could have done anything and gone anywhere."

"Do you mean you could have crossed realms?" Lily asked excitedly.

"I don't want to get your hopes up too much," Mal warned, "but that might be possible. The rest, we'll have to figure out together."

Lily was eager to learn more about her past. Emma had promised to help her do this but something had come up that had shaken Storybrooke to the core. Lily realized that her friend would not be able to help her now so she tried her best on her own.

"I suggest you look deeper into yourself," Mal had advised, "try to think about certain qualities you have that may give you clues as to who you are. Being here in Storybrooke and exposed to magic will help reawaken some of these hidden memories."

True enough, Lily began to feel specific traits asserting themselves more forcefully. For instance, she found herself more and more attracted to anything made of gold. As a child, she had often stolen jewelry and other shiny things, unable to help herself. Now, she felt even more drawn to treasure and anything of value that happened to catch her eye.

Mal said that though she herself did not feel such urges since she was more attracted to power than to treasure, this was not unusual in a dragon. It was a common enough trait of dragons to be obsessed with gold.

And then, Lily started to notice that Snow White's friends, the dwarves, were constantly avoiding her. And though she bore no particular grudge against them, she always found herself feeling hostile towards them. She glared and frowned at them whenever she saw them and sometimes the expression on her face was even fiercer than Leroy's. They got the hint and tried to keep away from her path.

"I can't explain it," Lily told Mal, "but seeing dwarves just makes me so angry. I can't stand them. Is that a thing with us?"

"Not with me," Mal replied thoughtfully, "but I think I'm beginning to get an idea. Can you think of anything else? Do you get any strange dreams or visions?"

Lily pondered this for a moment and then answered, "Well, I do have this recurring dream of a mountain, in a far off land. It's the tallest mountain around, and it's near some sort of lake. And inside, it's full of gold, piles and piles of gold and treasure. And I sometimes dream of myself just lying there, drowning in all that gold. It feels great. It's like the only thing that can make me happy, I don't know why."

Mal listened to all of this carefully before taking her daughter's hand and leading her to the Storybrooke library. Once there, the sorceress scanned the shelves until she found a small hardbound volume, a bitty dusty, but still intact. There was a simple illustration on the cover of a red dragon lying in a mountain of gold.

Lily's eyes widened excitedly and she took the book with trembling hands. She immediately felt like the key to her past was in these pages.

"Do you think this is it?" she asked her mother anxiously, "This is my father's story?"

"I'm not making any promises," Maleficent replied cautiously, "but from what you've described about yourself and your dreams, I have a very strong suspicion that this is what you're looking for."

"But this is…," Lily said in awe as she began perusing the book, recognizing some names and places, "You went to Middle-Earth?"

"Like I said before," Maleficent answered with a sigh, "I wouldn't remember if I had. But it is possible."

"So that means," Lily said as a mysterious force dispelled her doubts and the truth suddenly became clear, "I'm the daughter of Smaug?"