DANGER MOUSE:
HE'S A VAMP, BUT I LOVE HIM
WRITTEN BY ZARIUS
(based off ideas by brave kid)
Disclaimer: Danger Mouse (2015) and all trademarked characters are property of Freemantle Media and CBBC
EPISODE ONE
It's a peaceful day in a bustling London park.
A lazy Friday.
A Good Friday.
That's right, it's Easter.
Two days to go before the kids tuck into the creamiest chocolaty eggs you can purchase off the high-street.
Two days before Kinder Surprise nets a tidy million in profits.
But before that, there is joy to be had, for the kids are off school, and are quick to embrace their fortnight of freedom.
What could ruin their good mood?
How about balloons?
Yes. You heard right.
Balloons.
Descending upon the park in their thousands, all pouring out of a giant airship with giant bat-like wings attached to each side and a large beak perched at the front.
This vessel can belong to only one creature, the most sinister showman in all of Transylvania, and a threat to the known world, Count Duckula!
"Now that was quite an introduction" said Duckula at the controls of his airship, "I'm glad I wrote it for you Mr. Narrator, and I'm just as grateful you had a chance to read it"
Ok, ok, now will you please cut my family loose?
"Certainly" said Duckula, turning to a trio of terrified human beings tied up in the far left of the airship. He pulled a switch which opened up a hole in the floor which the family fell through.
Yikes! My family is in deadly danger, and here I am depicting every detail of it!
This wasn't in my contract...no personal stakes, I specifically put that in there, along with a minor raise and a trip to Vienna during mid-series breaks in between the holidays.
Somebody help them!
Fortunately, this narrator's prayers were swiftly answered as the family came back up through the hole being held in the arms of a trinity of very special secret agents. This world's finest. Danger Mouse, Jeopardy Mouse, and Penfold, all wearing rocket packs.
"Good thing the plot required us to hang about the back end of your airship Duckula" said DM.
"What is with the balloons Duck? Talk while you still have your beak attached" said Jeopardy
"The balloons contain a special form of gas that, when it comes into contact with the atmosphere, will permanently alter the vocal chords of everyone within proximity, and the first thing they hear afterwards will be what the chords will adapt to, and do you know who they'll hear?" Duckula boasted, before throwing another switch.
"Mine"
A large series of loud speakers attached to the bottom of the airship were soon charged and ready to emit whatever sound was due to come through.
The top of the airship suddenly opened and an immense gloved hand containing an equally large drawing pin, it lowered gently down and menacingly hovered over the descending balloons.
"Think of it, a whole world speaking my kind of language, I'll forever be the talk of the town" boasted Duckula.
"Not if we render you mute" said DM, and sped towards Duckula in his rocket pack.
Duckula transformed into a bat and glided across the ship, proving difficult to catch. He turned around and gave DM a taunting rasp, before glancing in horror as Jeopardy and Penfold encircled him in their own rocket packs.
"Penfold, grab him" said Jeopardy.
Penfold went in to grab Duckula by the throat, but the count quickly dug his fangs into Penfold's fingers. Penfold squealed.
"Cor, 'Chief, that really hurt" Penfold said, as Duckula ultimately flew down the hole and out of the airship.
"It was just a love bite Penfold" DM said.
"Yeah, well fat chance of us going out on a date, I don't like the type that bite" said Penfold.
"At least he didn't burst any balloons" said Jeopardy
"Now all we have to do is gather them up and take them back to headquarters and get them processed at the labs" said DM, "Let's just hope Squawk doesn't take it as a sign we're trying to make up for that birthday party we kept ruining"
Back at headquarters, Professor Squawkencluck took a hammer and beat it down hard on the cotton socks in front of her, fierceness in her eyes. She folded up the socks, curled them into a ball, and griped them tightly.
Seemingly satisfied with what she could feel in her hand, she threw it into a pile of other compressed socks in the back of her lab.
DM, Penfold, and Jeopardy walked in, carrying a cart full of Count Duckula's balloons. Penfold noticed the rather immense sock collection.
"What's with all the woolly warmers Professor?" he asked.
"I'm going to attend a convention in the alps in a couple of days, the weather up there is said to be quite brutal this year so I'm enhancing all of my thermal wear with a special alloy that will keep me in pristine temperature even under the coldest conditions" she explained.
"Ah, always nice to present yourself as all warm and fuzzy, suits your personality" noted a sarcastic Danger Mouse.
"Just what is this business with the balloons Danger Mouse?" asked Squawkencluck, trying to change the subject before she snapped again at DM's teasing.
"They carry a gas that makes you a personal member of a club reserved only for Huey, Dewey, and Loewy" said Jeopardy.
Squawkencluck examined one of the balloons with a keen and sharp eye, "Hmm, yes, yes, I can see the gas somewhat swirling around there, I'll test it out on a couple of lab rats"
"But we're the only two rodents in here" said DM, noting himself and Jeopardy.
Squawkencluck folded her arms and raised an eyebrow.
DM and Jeopardy quickly dashed out of the room, leaving her with Penfold.
"I heard you had a little brush with the count" Squawk noted.
"Please, If I ever had children with him, it'd certainly wouldn't resemble a brush, probably more a stick of broccoli" Penfold replied in jest, before feeling a sharp pain in his right fingers.
"Penfold, are you sure you don't want to have that checked out?" Squawkencluck asked, worried about Penfold's condition.
"DM told me it was just a love bite" said Penfold.
"I'd be a bit worried if I were you, this is what the Goosewing institute for vampire research call 'green fingers', a process used by rare vampire ducks to convert their victims"
"Well it's sure made me want to take a bite out of something...like a carrot, or some cucumber..."
"Cravings for vegetarian food? Oh that settles it, you're not to budge from this lab until I get back" Sqauwkencluck said, "Stay right there while I get you a veggie burger"
Jeopardy and DM made their way over to the canteen, where Danger Moth was waiting.
"I'll get us something to snack on, you two can talk shop" DM suggested, and headed over to grab a plate and begin making selections. His eyes were trained on a large stack of sandwiches in the far left, dripping with mustard, cheese and relish.
Trouble is, they were all wedged under white bread, and DM knew what scoffing down too much of them could do to your weight. In addition to that, they could block up your bladder.
So his next instinctive act was to check for any brown loafs instead. If anything else, they allowed evacuations to occur much more quickly, which could only be good for his long-term health.
Jeopardy and Danger Moth sat down at the centre table. A copy of the Metro newspaper had been left behind by the previous occupants; Danger Moth took to reading it.
"You're aware that's yesterday's paper right?" said Jeopardy, pointing at the date at the top of the paper.
"Oh I'm not interested in the headlines for yesterday, today, or tomorrow, I'm checking to see if the crossword's been filled in, or if the funnies are still intact" Danger Moth replied.
"Like to tackle a bit of a puzzle in the mornings then?" asked Jeopardy.
"This is the afternoon" said Danger Moth.
"Forgive me, I'm American, it's the break of dawn where I come from at this time" Jeopardy said, checking her watch.
"Any news on that Rugby Diamond you've been tracking over here?" asked Danger Moth.
"Do you need to remind me of that?" Jeopardy replied, slightly irked.
"My apologies, DM had told me you didn't take kindly to being lied to on that mission" said Danger Moth.
"Deceiving me in public is one thing, but did he have to do it in a dream sequence?" Jeopardy persisted.
"It's his way" she said.
"His way?" Jeopardy asked, a bit bamboozled, "His way is constantly thinking of ways to make himself look surer than he actually is. He wants to prove something all of the time to me. I should be flattered, but I'm always left feeling frustrated" she continued.
"Feeling frustrated is still a feeling" said Danger Moth.
"You trying to say something about how I truly feel about that manipulative mouse?" said Jeopardy.
"Certainly not, but he is my friend, I have the right to look out for him when someone shoots him ac cross pair of eyes" replied Danger Moth.
"Is that just a thought, or a feeling all of its own?" asked a suspicious Jeopardy.
Before Danger Moth could reply, Danger Mouse arrived with a couple of brown loafs, chips, and rice.
"Anyone for a chip butty?" he asked.
Squawkencluck re-entered the lab, veggie burger in hand, which was now immersed in darkness.
She demanded some sort of chill run down her spine, but it never occurred.
She wondered why that was.
Perhaps because she didn't fear what was coming next, maybe it was because she never truly feared the dark.
Maybe she was far too trusting of it.
The lights suddenly flickered on and off, she tried to focus on anything that dared to move besides her.
"P-Penfold?" she said, "Ar-are you there?"
"I'm everywhere" echoed back a voice.
"Are you now?" asked Squawk, "Then would you mind being in the proximity of the light switch? I'm blind as a bat in here"
"Funny you should mention that" said Penfold, as the lights flickered on again, revealing that he was in front of Squawk, looking distinctly dour, the eyes behind his glasses were hazy and blood-red. He was also wearing what looked like a torn bin-bag over his neck.
"Aren't you a little old for dress-up Penfold?" Squawk said, trying to humour him in light of knowing exactly what was occurring to him.
"I feel older now than my ancestors ever were" said Penfold
"Feel. Not are" Squawk replied, detecting the slick emergence of the Transylvanian accent in his voice.
"Ah, but what are we if we cannot feel? It's so clear to me now, how much of a lost puppy I was. Me, a hamster...and all I do is curl up to the chief like I were a complacent puppy. I should be more a dog of war, not a dove of peace"
"I like puppies" Squawk replied, humouring him.
"Yes, but you're also quite content to shoot the dog down sometimes, not pet it" said Penfold, slowly approaching her, extending his right hand, slightly swollen with shades of leafy green across the digits of his fingers.
"What do you want me to do with that?" said Squawk.
"Honour me as a gentleman" said Penfold.
Squawk tried to back out of the lab through the door, only for the lights to flicker again. When she turned to exit, she found herself sealed inside.
Alone with the monster before her.
"Honour me" he said, his mouth now wide open, revealing two sharp fangs.
Squawk screamed, the veggie burger dropped to the floor.
Dishonourable deeds soon commenced.
TO BE CONTINUED