Sam confesses twice in his life that he loves Dean. The first time is on his eighteenth birthday when Dean brings home two cases of beer and slings them onto the kitchen table where Sam is studying with his annoying smirk on his face. "Sammy, my boy, it´s time you get shitfaced."
And get shitfaced is exactly what Sam does that night. The brothers play poker, and hustle each other as best they can, and Sam has never had this much fun in his life. For once, they are not chasing the ghost around the next bend in the road, packing for the next namless hotel or heeding barking orders from their father, who often acts more like their drill sergeant then a dad. They are not his little soldiers, or even hunters. They are family. Nothing more and nothing less.
At midnight, Dean helps Sam to the bedroom they share. The younger brother slings his arm familarly around his brother´s shoulders, while Dean puts his arm around Sam´s waist to ward him from falling over. The older hunter manages to get his brother safely into bed, and hovers over Sam, ensuring he is comfortable. Sam unexpextedly reaches out, puts his hand on the back of his brother´s head and pulls Dean down until the lips of the two men meet. It´s only for a moment in time before Dean pulls away, as if burned but Sam does not notice, sleep is already pulling him in.
"Love you, Dean," he whispers before turning on his side away from his brother and promptly falls asleep. Sleep, however, eludes Dean that night.
He sits in the chair by Sam´s bed and watches the young hunter sleep, the taste of his brother´s kiss still upon his lips.
He falls asleep in the chair just before dawn.
Dean awakes two hours later, disoriented and confused. Sam is still asleep and the older hunter stumbles to the kitchen and heats himself some coffee before heading out to the deck. At first he thought it was a bad idea to rent this cabin so that Sam could finish off his senior year in high school, but he has enjoyed the last six months, at times they have almost seemed like a regular family. Dean drinks his coffee thoughtfully, contemplating on the happenings of the night before. He must admit that it was a long time coming. Dean can´t really put his finger on when his feelings for his brother changed, but he can admit to himself that they have always been close, like two sides of the same coin. It´s always been him and Sam.
When did that brotherly devotion change into love?
Dean is both surprised and glad when he feels a warm body behind him. He allows himself to lean against Sam and watch the sun rise over the tops of the trees in the forest which covers the area in which the cabin stands. Trust John Winchester to choose the most remote location in town. He finally puts his coffee cup down and turns to face Sam. He gazes up into his brother´s beautiful but inscrutable face and wishes that for once, Sam would express how he is feeling. Sam has always been a riddle unto himself, and yet Dean was always able to understand him in the past, until two years ago when Sam began to drift away and their relationship changed. It was still the same in many ways, but in other ways, it changed permanently. Sam no longer confided in Dean, no longer told his elder brother his secrets, and became irritated when Dean tried to teach him how to hunt. Dean was now beginning to get an inkling as to why the change had occurred to begin with.
Sam finally reaches down and Dean holds his breath wondering what his brother will do next. The younger hunter takes the chin of his older brother and forces him to lock eyes. Then he leans down and joins his lips with Dean´s. This kiss is different from the one they shared the night before. It is filled with passion and want, Dean feels himself becoming weak in the knees and has to put his hands on his brother´s hips to hold himself steady. Soon enough, however, the ramifications of his actions flood over him and he pulls away, against his own desires.
Before he can stop himself, Dean has whispered;"I can´t do this Sam," before running away like a coward with his tail between his legs and he runs through the cabin before Sam can stop him, grabbing the keys to the Impala as he makes his escape through the kitchen. He jumps into the car, starts the car but can see Sam standing on the front step, in the rearview mirror, looking completely forlorn and alone.
He stops the car a few minutes away and hits the steering wheel in anger, cursing himself for being such a fool.