As always no offense to the real people.
This is my first time writing in present tense. When it goes into past tense that's Burr remembering how this all happened so you don't get the past confused with the present
modern AU (how original am I right)
(...that was sarcasm...)
I regurt nutin'.
Alexander Hamilton's voice rises so much that Aaron Burr is willing to bet the king of England can hear him.
"Jefferson you FREAKING idiot!" Hamilton shrieks like a rabid bandicoot (phrase I use a lot-just means high-pitched and loud, plus it's fun to say) "The sky is BLUE, GOSH DARN IT!"
"It's blue now," Thomas Jefferson shouts, just as loud, "But what about when it's NIGHT TIME, HUH?! Then it's BLACK!"
"Who the HECK said ANYTHING about NIGHT TIME?!" Hamilton yells.
"I DID!" Jefferson screams back. "Are you DEAF as well as STUPID?!"
"If you don't shut up soon, we'll all be deaf," Burr calls but of course neither of them can hear him.
Burr sighs as he recalls how this whole mess started.
First of all, Hamilton's wedding just ended about twenty minutes ago. The majority of the guests were gone, leaving Burr, John Laurens, Marquis de Lafayette, Hercules Mulligan, Angelica Schyuler, and of course Hamilton and his new wife Eliza, which is still a lot of people.
Then there is Jefferson. He wasn't invited. He just came because he wanted to watch Eliza say "I don't" to Hamilton. (she didn't) He even brought a camera to record it.
Once most of the guests left Jefferson demanded to know why Eliza had agreed to marry the most obnoxious, (Burr has no objection to that) schreechiest (which if it even was a word, Burr now thought that title may belong to Jefferson himself) smelliest (Burr could barely resist the urge to go over and sniff Hamilton to see if that was true) dumbest (Burr also had to objection to that-yet. Jefferson was a close second, though) person ever.
Well Hamilton overheard and misunderstood what Jefferson had said. Apparently he thought that Jefferson was suggesting that Eliza should have married him instead of Hamilton.
"She's my wife now, back off, you dog poop," Hamilton snapped. "If you wanted her, you should've been quicker, 'cause now you're too late."
"I don't want her!" Jefferson exclaimed. "Who do you think I am-Burr?"
Burr chose to pretend he had never heard that. He supposed it was a reference to the fact that he was in love with a married woman, but it wasn't his fault.
"Then why were you saying that junk to Eliza?" Hamilton demanded.
Burr rolled his eyes. "God, the two of you could fight over what color the sky is."
Looking back, Burr very deeply regrets every opening his mouth and being such a Hamilton, because now here were Hamilton and Jefferson, fighting over what color the sky is.
"DON'T MAKE FUN OF DEAF PEOPLE!" Hamilton hollers (every notice how many synonyms there are for screaming?)
"I'm NOT. I'm making fun of YOU," Jefferson retorts.
"That's not nice!" cries Hamilton.
"YOUR FACE IS NOT NICE!" Jefferson burns him get burr'ned boi. whoops wrong character who cares though
"I AM AWARE ABOUT MY PROBLEM YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMIND ME," Hamilton sobs.
"Do you guys even remember why you were arguing in the first place?" Eliza asks.
"No," they both answer.
"It's a miracle. They've agreed on something," Burr remarks dryly. Mulligan snorts.
"WE MUST SETTLE THIS," Hamilton declares, still speaking at the top of his lungs. Burr wonders if he can ever get tired of screaming. He prays that there is some way for Hamilton to shut up already gosh.
"Weehawken, dawn, guns drawn?" Jefferson suggests.
"What NO, we're not going to SHOOT each other," Hamilton says, looking disgusted.
Jefferson shrugs. "Well it seemed like a good idea at the time," he mutters self-consciously. It's a nice change from the yelling.
"How could zat sound like a good idea?" Lafayette asks. (accents ohh boy can't write accents for the life of me I swear)
"We shall Mario-Kart," Hamilton announces. "TO THE DEATH."
"Sounds reasonable," Jefferson agrees.
"Holy snot rocket they did it again," Mulligan gasps.
"Did you just say 'holy snot rocket''? Angelica asks him skeptically.
"Whazzit to ya," Mulligan replies in a fake New York accent.
"Um, alexander," Laurens says nervously. "You're not really going to Mario-Kart Jefferson to the death, are you?"
"Of course I am," answers Hamilton with extreme conviction.
"I think you partied a little too much," Burr tells him.
"YEAH WELL Aaron Burr, sir, I think YOU partied TOO LITTLE," Hamilton responds hotly.
"Let's go Mario-Kart," Jefferson says.
"To Lafayette's house!" Hamilton cries.
"Uh, what?" Lafayette puts in. "Why me?"
"Because you have a Wii and your house smells nicer than everyone else's," Hamilton says. "Jefferson have you ever considered using Febreeze like muh man Lafayette over here? Or you know at least showering would be nice."
It is a rare and fortunate occasion as Jefferson does not take Hamilton up on his attempts to stir another argument. Burr has to stop himself from dropping to his knees and shouting, "THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU YOU'RE AMAZING BEST DUDE EVER 10/10 CAN YOU SHUT THEM UP ALL THE TIME PLEASE BUT THIS IS GOOD ENOUGH THANK YOU OHHH PRAISE THE LORD"
"Is this really happening?" Laurens asks.
"I guess," Mulligan answers unconvincingly.
"Who in the world did I marry?" Eliza wonders, staring at Hamilton.
The guy I wanted to marry," Angelica replies.
"Same," says Laurens.
"What?" Mulligan questions.
"What" Laurens echoes back at him.
"Come ON," Jefferson complains. He and Hamilton are waiting impatiently at the door.
"Let's get this over with," Burr sighs.
They follow Hamilton and Jefferson to Hamilton's car in the almost empty parking lot. Burr and the others hang back because unsurprisingly, there is an argument going on yet again. Burr doesn't even know why. He isn't sure if he wants to.
"We will split up here, because my car can't hold all of you there's too many grown children here," Hamilton says.
"Isn't a grown child just an adult?" Jefferson asks him.
"NO IT'S A GROWN CHILD THAT'S WHY I SAID GROWN CHILD NOT ADULT GEEZ LOOIZ JEFFERSON," Hamilton shouts, exasperated. Burr wishes he brought some headache medicine. He should've realized by now that whenever he's around Hamilton he leaves with a migraine. He continues in a voice that would be normal volume for most people but is quiet for him. "Also I can't be forced to have to smell Jefferson crack any more rats over here. If you're a nose-blind idiot go with him."
"And if you're a brain-dead jerk, go with Hamilton," Jefferson interjects.
"Well seeing as you are my husband, I'll go with you, Alexander," Eliza says.
"HA" Hamilton crows. "I got picked first." He stuck his tongue out at Jefferson like a five-year-old taunting the "it" in a game of tag.
"I'm regretting my decision," Eliza rolls her eyes.
"To drive with him or to marry him?" Burr inquires.
"Both."
"Well..." Laurens says slowly. "If Alex and Eliza are getting divorced... I CALL DIBS! HE'S MINE, SUCKA!" he shouts in Angelica's face.
"I am zo confused," Lafayette says.
"Same," everyone but Jefferson, Hamilton, and Laurens agrees.
"Let's go go already," Jefferson whines. It is hard for Burr to tell which is more childish.
Hamilton picks his nose and chews the booger thoughtfully.
Burr decides Hamilton is more childish.
"Angelica, John, as my other options for a spouse, you're coming with me, fulz," Hamilton decides.
"Oh...kay?" Angelica pretends like she isn't super excited, but Burr knows the truth. She wants to be with Hamilton real bad and she's very happy that she will be.
"AW YAY-UH!" Laurens does a fist-pump. He is not so good at hiding his feelings.
"So I guess we're going with Jefferson?" Mulligan says looking perplexed.
"Ehh I can handle Jefferson but I don't want to be in ze same car as Burr," Lafayette says firmly. He points at Burr. "You are the worst."
"Oh wow. Thanks so much Laf," Burr says sarcastically.
Lafayette gives him a puzzled looks. "I jus zaid I hate you."
"That was sarcasm," Burr sighs yet again. He realizes his "friends" make him do that a lot. He needs some better friends.
"Lafayette, you can come with us," Hamilton offers.
"Yeah I can totally see why you don't want to be near Burr," Laurens adds.
Burr glares at him. "You're awful friends, you know."
Hamilton hugs Laurens. "Shhh," he whispers in his ear. "Don't listen to him. You're a great friend. I love you." He licks Laurens' ear and Laurens giggles in a really girly-girl way.
"I did not need to see that," Jefferson comments. He looks at Hamilton's car, where the words "Just Married" are spray-painted on the back windshield. "By the way, you spelled 'married' wrong. It's marryed, with a y."
"No, it's not," Hamilton argues.
Burr covers his ears and moans as Jefferson and Hamilton launch into their fourth fight in the past fifteen minutes.
About twenty minutes later, Hamilton is able to convince Jefferson that married is spelled with an i and not y. It involved a lot of strong language, looking it up on Wikipedia, claims that Wikipedia is full of lies, looking it up on , and shoving cell phones into faces.
Strange, horrifying things Burr will never be able to un-see.
But at last they all load into the cars. Jefferson drives down the road. Burr is concerned because he's not positive that Jefferson is sober. Jefferson complains non-stop about Hamilton.
Burr, who is in the back seat to get as far away from Jefferson as possible, moans and bangs his head against the window.
"You sound like a dying bandicoot giving birth," Mulligan, who is also in the back for the same reason, informs him. He pauses. "And is also male."
Burr stops banging his head and moaning to say, "How is that even possible?"
"YO are you even listening to me?" Jefferson demands.
"Of course," Burr lies.
Jefferson continues his rant. Burr continues to bang his head against the window and groan like a dying male bandicoot going into labor. Mulligan plugs his ears in an attempt to tune out the equally annoying sounds.
At last they arrive at Lafayette's house. Jefferson curses as he sees that Hamilton's car is already there. He races inside.
Burr and Mulligan follow more slowly. Neither of them really want to walk in on what's about to happen.
"Took you long enough," Hamilton observes as they walk in. "We've already set up the Mario-Kart. We will play three games. Best two out of three. Whoever loses will die." He says the last sentence so simply as though it is not insane at all.
"Wait, guys-" Burr begins in a reasonable tone.
"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!" Laurens explodes. "You will NOT be killing each other, GOOD LORD! You will have a HUMANE AND SENSIBLE punishment for the loser!"
"If the punishment is humane and sensible then it's not fun," Jefferson complains.
"Yeah and then it's not to the death," Hamilton points out, like not Mario-Karting to the death would be insane.
"I think I figured it out. They have dumb arguments. But when it's a really stupid topic-so stupid that the word stupid doesn't even begin to cover it-, then they agree," Burr says.
"So basically they're just idiots?" Lafayette translates.
"I believe so."
"See, this is why I don't like you, Burr."
"LET THE MARIO-KART BEGIN!" Hamilton screams out of nowhere.