When good manners fail Hannibal Lecter
By Lady Leah R Bloom
Summary
Inspired by "Bridget Jones's baby" and a random episode of "Grey's anatomy" Can't remember which. The Infamous Hannibal is famous for his excellent manners; usually Dr Alana Bloom is quite appreciative of afore mentioned manners but sometimes, sometimes …. there is a time and place for "please" and "thank you" and just sometimes, there is a time and place for "Oh shit"
This is crazy and really AU. It has no sense of direction. Alana and Hannibal are shagging in series 1 rather than in series 2 and Hannibal allowed the encephelilitis to be cured and painted Chilton as "The Ripper"
Disclaimer
Rated M for Alana Bloom's sexual performance critiquing, a grumpy Cannibal and one sassy Will.
Here be platonic Hannigram. please leave your Hannibloom or Willana hate somewhere else. We're all entitled to our opinions, people.
Written in Australian and British English. All flames will be used to warm my widdle toes. I don't care if its summer, I'm cold!
Hannibal's Baltimore home, the lounge room
Lecter was delighted to have Dr. Bloom over for dinner. He had been working on a new private reserve for the young woman and could not wait to see her reaction. Specimen involved was a particularly uncouth creature. Part of swine ended up swirling in his home brew created just for his lover's pleasure whilst the rest in what Hannibal would later claim to be a Kangaroo and numerous vegetable red wine ragu which he would serve to both Alana and himself later that evening.
Unfortunately for the enthusiastic cannibal, things were about to change for the not so crash hot.
"How was your day?" Hannibal asked as he helped Alana out of her blue Marino wool jacket.
"Fine," the short brunette replied, her gloss adorned pink lips compressing then relaxing. "Just … dandy, Hannibal."
Alana then proceeded to ask him how his day had been then changed her mind mid-sentence.
Lecter frowned, both mentally and physically.
"Is something the matter?" he asked, placing her jacket upon the coat rack. "Is it Will? Has Frederick started throwing toilet paper at Jack again?"
Alana shook her head.
"No, Jack told Fredrick if he did that again he'd make it possible for him to sing everything from Gilbert and Sullivan-"
Hannibal was miffed.
"That doesn't sound so tedious," he remarked, only just being able to conceal his scowl.
Really, if that was the best Jack Crawford could do with the fake Chesapeake Ripper then he really should have framed Will. At least he would have made things interesting without trying to annoy the head of the BSU.
"In the nude. in front of Abel Gideon."
Lecter almost offered his power smirk.
'Ahh … That's better,'
"I think we need to reconvene to the kitchen," Hannibal decided, a tad. "Helping me with the apple and blue berry crumble will certainly lift your spirits, Alana. Chopping has never been so therapeutic."
"I'd rather we reconvene in the lounge room, Hannibal," Alana replied guardedly, pushing a dark, glossy tress behind an ear, an ear just begging to be tugged by his teeth no doubt. "No sharp objects."
Hannibal's eyebrows rose briefly.
No sharp objects? There were plenty of sharp-His eyebrows settled. Oh, those sharp objects.
"Very well," he consented and gestured for her to lead the way, which Dr. Bloom did with growing nervousness.
OooOOO
"Will and I …. We've been talking, Hannibal."
"Would it be amiss of me if I were to say "Good" Alana?" Hannibal asked as he handed her usual schooner of beer. Alana didn't look to be in the mood for beverage experimenting so he gave her usual, all the while making sure that while he did he was as cool as a dashing, cucumber …. Did that sound camp at all?
The physician of minds crossed and uncrossed her legs.
"Well …. Hannibal … part of the talk led me to the realisation that we're-Please, Hannibal, sit down!"
This was becoming bothersome and his kangaroo was getting seriously close to becoming scandalously medium instead of medium rare. On the other hand, this could prove entertaining so ….
"Very well. But please. Let me turn off the oven. You know how much I abhor over done meat, Alana."
"Um … Sure, go ahead …."
OoO
When Lecter returned, dashingly mind you, he was not pleased with what he found.
Upon seeing him, Alana's pink mouth twitched into what one could call a miserable attempt of a smile. She sipped from her beer. That sip turned into a more than generous mouthful.
'She's neglecting my beverage!' Lecter thought, left eye becoming decidedly twitchy. 'Which leg do I serve first?'
"Sorry, I did taste everything, Hannibal, I promise," Alana said, setting the schooner aside while he sat. "You know I always drink fast when I'm nervous … I-"
"What's on your mind, Alana?" he pressed, leaning forward, clasping his hands in his lap.
Alana sighed.
"We may have to … abandon this affair, Hannibal."
"Do you want to get married?"
Bloom almost fell out of the chair.
"No!" she exclaimed, almost yelping. "No … Hannibal …. Oh God! Things sounded so polite in my head … God … Hannibal. I'll try to be as careful as I can with my words-No! No! There's no easy way for me to tell you this." Dr. Bloom bit her lip, debating whilst he looked on with a twitchy left eye.
'Here goes nothing,'
"Hannibal, the first time we had sex … You said to me, "Please may I cum inside you?"
There.
She'd said it.
Wrapping her fingers around her glass, Alana allowed herself another hefty swallow.
"Pardon?"
Putting the schooner down, Bloom sighed.
Further explanation required.
Just great.
"Whenever you or I …" Alana blushed. "Had an orgasm, you would say, "Thank you!" In fact you still do it. And … Well … The second time we were together you said. "My member is ready. May I have your permission to penetrate?" Alana swept up the schooner and skulled. Finishing her beverage, she fixed Lecter with a look of profound puzzlement. "Sorry, Hannibal but … What the Fuck?"
The good doctor bristled with annoyance. He usually didn't bristle but this was unjust! He simply had to bristle!
His former student looked forlornly back at him.
"I am trying really hard not to be rude," Alana said, blue eyes wide and on the verge of waterworks.
Crap.
He couldn't kill her now.
Hannibal's Baltimore office
Three days later, Will Graham strode in … whistling.
"Evening Will," Hannibal greeted, a tad less cordial than usual. He was still smarting from the end of his affair with Dr Bloom. "Has Uncle Jack …. You are smiling inanely, Will."
"Oh I'm just in a good mood, Dr Lecter."
"Care to explain cause for afore mentioned change of mood?" Hannibal asked, already plotting strategic experiments on the unsuspecting Mr Graham in the back of his mind.
Will was happy without his permission.
This meant war.
Will Grahame plopped himself down on his chair, reclined casually, hands under his head, thoroughly pleased with whatever had occurred.
Unbeknownst to him, Hannibal was glowering.
'I shall spit roast Jack Crawford for this ….'
"Alana Bloom's agreed to go out with me."
The Cannibal nearly died right then and there.
"What? Beg yours? Pardon!"
Graham straightened himself into the chair, giving Hannibal a curious look.
"Alana," Will contributed slowly. "Has agreed to go out with me."
'Will and I have been talking …'
Oh bother!
"She only recently called you unstable, Will." The exceedingly handsome, well-groomed physician of mind and other body parts, dictated all the while making sure he did not appear to be dictating.
That would be rude.
'And she recently critiqued my sexual prowess,' he added snarkily to himself.
"And I am," Will admitted. "So that's why you're going to be the mediator. Sounds perfect, doesn't it?"
Hannibal's chest puffed up.
"This is highly unusual."
"For you?"
"For her."
Hannibal began to sweat. Elegantly, mind you. He wasn't an ocean of brackish fluid, he was a perfectionist! One must sweat elegantly and not spoil the intricately applied anti-wrinkle foundation!
"I need to speak to Dr. Bloom, Wil. pray excuse me for a moment."
OOOO
Alana was hardly comfortable when she sat next to the spectacled Will who sat across from the confused and steadily growing homicidal Dr. Lecter.
"Beverage, Alana?" Hannibal asked.
"I'm fine, Hannibal, but thank you," she replied, beautiful knees clammed together.
Hannibal nearly sniffed.
His fun with the Belladonna would have to wait. He had toyed with the idea to add a wee dose of Belladonna to Alana's beer and he had been going to enjoy the end result. Perhaps a good thing the situation had changed what with an unstable Empath being here and he would miss Alana's spectacular knees.
"I have to tell you both something," Alana said before either man could speak. "It's ah …. Big …. ish."
"Then let us hear it," Hannibal invited.
'She's moving to Canada, moving to Canada, moving to Canada ….'
"I'm pregnant."
'Moving to Babyda-Baby?'
Hannibal fainted.
OoO
"Hannibal? Hannibal are you alright/"
'I'm staying in my mind palace till Alana's vagina apologises for this outrage! Where's Bedelia when I need her?'
"Maybe we should call an ambulance?" Will asked as he pulled the psychiatrist off the floor onto his plush leather couch.
"I don't think he'd forgive us if we did …" Alana said, adding curiously. "Will, I expected you to faint but you didn't."
"Are you going to congratulate me, Dr. Bloom?" Graham asked, propping Hannibal's head up with the aid of a cushion.
"No but there's something else I need to explain to you as soon as Hannibal wakes up …. Smelling salts are in this …. Eureka!"
OooOOO
The smelling salts didn't work so Alana took it upon herself to slap Hannibal.
Hard.
"That was rude," the cannibal stated upon opening his hazel eyes, glaring balefully at the pair who huddled together like guilty teenagers.
"The smelling salts didn't work," Will pointed out.
"It was needed," Alana added, handing her friend a glass of water which Hannibal reluctantly accepted, face moderately sulky. "I'm sorry Hannibal, but it really was needed. Smelling salts must be out of date."
"We should discuss your delicate state," Hannibal said, ignoring Alana's mention of his inactive smelling salts. The over critical Bitch. She needed to look at the use by date of the condoms she used. "How far along are you?"
"Hang on!" Will said, interrupting the Doctors. "What if it's not yours, Hannibal?"
The good Dr offered his conversationalist a look of genuine surprise then gave a similar one to Alana.
"Pray, what does Will mean, Alana?" Hannibal asked.
"Ping!"
"What was that?" Graham asked, frowning.
"Text message," Lecter replied. "Ignore it, please. We have a situation that requires our immediate attention. What does Will mean, Alana?"
Dr Bloom blushed deeply. Her alluring blue eyes flittered from Will to Hannibal.
"Well … maybe you should answer that text, Hannibal," she murmured, delicate fingers furling in and then out. "It could be a patient."
"Or British Bake off spoilers. It can wait; I shall send my deepest apologies to whoever is sending me the messages. Please Alana; tell me what does Will mean?"
"Ping, ping piiiing!"
"Are you sure that's a text message that should be ignored, Dr Lecter?" Will asked.
"It could be Jack," Alana pointed out. "Or the new administrator at the Baltimore State Hospital For The Criminally Insane."
Hannibal sighed his momentary defeat and whisked his phone, elegantly whisked one should note, out of his pocket.
"It's from Freddie Loundes," he told the others.
Alana suddenly paled.
Will picked up on her terror and his own blue eyes widened behind his spectacles.
"William Graham, what were you doing outside Alana's house two weeks after she and I ended our semi regular dalliance?" Hannibal politely, elegantly, stylishly demanded all the while not sounding like he was demanding at all.
'He sounds just like a Dad,' Alana thought.
"Ummm …. Not exactly my design, Hannibal," Will mumbled waspishly, taking off his spectacles and polishing them.
Alana decided to come to Will's defence.
"Hannibal. You and I had broken up. There's no reason for you to be jealous. Will's less unstable now and … Well …. Here's more of a problem."
Hannibal couldn't wait.
"I cannot wait," he said without enthusiasm.
Alana sat down on the couch beside Hannibal and clasped her hands over her knees.
"Have either of you heard of uterus didelphys bicollis?" she asked.
The end
Authors note.
Whilst this does paint Alana in a less favourable light, this is supposed to be a comedy fic, not a hate fic, and in order for the storyline to work Alana had to be a little less sensible and loose. Plus it's all for the sake of zee plot and I wouldn't let my favourite Hannibal character do something so reckless if it weren't crucial to zee plot!
My favourite part in this ditty was Hannibal insisting Alana's vagina should apologise for this outrage and Alana's criticism of Hannibal's manners in the boudoir. Good manners are excellent, but when one is in the middle of … Yeah, time and place ….
In the following chapter. Stuff's revealed!