Xiaoqiao curses a lot and everyone's an idiot
Also known as: Dynasty Warriors 8 Empires
YEAR: 200
When Xiaoqiao opened her eyes, she found herself standing in a throne room. 2 rows of officers were on either side of a long carpet, and Sun Ce was sitting on the throne. Xiaoqiao looked at the rows, noting her sister Daqiao standing across from her.
A giant row of letters appeared in front of her face.
JANUARY
"What the fuck?" Xiaoqiao nearly fell over from the letters, which were accompanied by a sudden dump of snow on her head. "Why is this happening?"
Sun Ce then spoke up. "I want to invade Jiaozhi in May!"
And then a large menu of options fell in front of Xiaoqiao's face, startling her. "What the heckity heck is this?"
"Choose your quests so you can gain merit points!" Sun Ce yelled at her.
"Uh…" Xiaoqiao chose the "form an alliance" option, as well as the "request supplies" option. The option menu fell away and another one appeared before her. After fucking around with it for a while, she somehow learned all the options and felt immensely disappointed that she literally had no power thanks to being a common officer.
She decided to get one of her quests out of the way by choosing "Alliance". She hovered her hand around for a second until she chose a name. Liu Biao. Xiaoqiao was pretty sure that he had something to do with Liu Bei, but being a female in ancient China controlled by a teenage girl, she didn't know jack shit.
Speaking of said teenage girl, she noted that through a glass screen, the girl was sitting on a couch, looking at the available options with annoyance.
Anyways, Xiaoqiao was somehow teleported via a black screen that sent her to a table, with some generic officer standing before her. Xiaoqiao checked her stratagems but since she had no sense of morality or virtue despite being a teenager in physical appearance, there was no point in using the stratagems.
"So...Alliance?"
"No."
"Well fuck you too." Xiaoqiao grumbled as the black screen teleported her back to the throne room.
FEBRUARY
Xiaoqiao brushed the snow off of her head and decided to try again with Liu Biao. The alliance option hadn't really changed her virtue despite it saying it'd be positive, so Xiaoqiao just went with the same strategy as before.
"Wanna ally even though these are the exact same circumstances as before and there's no difference?"
"Yes."
"...I didn't expect that to work."
MARCH
The next month, a shiton of flower petals and leaves were dumped on her head.
"Okay, let's try my next goal. Ask for supplies."
Xiaoqiao was then transported to the random room with Liu Biao again.
"Yo, can I have some random shit so I can be useful and start being the only source of income in this kingdom?"
"No."
"Fine." Xiaoqiao was teleported again.
APRIL
Xiaoqiao attempted to step away from the dump of materials, but ended up covered in them anyways.
"What the hell do the other officers do anyways?" Xiaoqiao stepped out of place and walked over to Zhou Yu, her husband. She noted his glassy eyes and robot stance, but said nothing about it, choosing to ask a question.
"Hey, what did you do this month?"
"Who are you?"
"Wait. We're not married?"
"Married? What?"
"YES!" Xiaoqiao jumped in the air. "I'M NOT MARRIED TO A PEDO!"
She ran over to Sun Ce, who acted the same as Zhou Yu. "Hey, are you married to Daqiao?"
"Who?"
"FREEDOM!"
Xiaoqiao ran over to her sister. "Sis! Let's get married to people that aren't pedophiles now!"
Daqiao didn't have the glassy eyes, nor the robotic stance. "I know! Because for some reason the game is stupid and there are no predetermined relationships, we're single!" Daqiao paused. "Wait, you're self-aware?"
"Isn't everyone?"
"Nope. Everyone's a useless NPC. Only if the random teenage girl-" Daqiao pointed to the invisible screen. "Chooses you as a player character, do you gain self-awareness. Everyone here is a useless idiot who stands in place for months."
"...You haven't done anything, though."
"Because I'm an NPC. I just have awareness because I'm a former playable character."
"Anyone else with awareness?" Xiaoqiao looked around the throne room.
"Mostly just a bunch of crappy CAWs. Guan Yu's daughter, tsundere blond in the kingdom that doesn't exist yet, and that harp-girl in Wei also have it."
"...So nobody else in this kingdom has a brain?" Xiaoqiao's jaw dropped.
"Nobody else. Just shitty AI."
"Fuuuuuuuck…"
"Now do something productive."
Xiaoqiao chose to teleport to Liu Biao's kingdom again for the sole purpose of asking for supplies. Despite the exact same circumstances as last month yet again, he said yes.
MAY
Xiaoqiao was teleported to some battlefield. She ran around and smacked people with fans until a giant golden thing appeared and said she won.
She didn't understand how a teenager with paper-thin fans could beat hundreds of trained soldiers, but whatever.
JUNE
Xiaoqiao was teleported via black screen to a room with a generic guy standing there.
"YOU SHOULD JOIN LIU BIAO!"
"Why? I kinda sorta hate him?"
"JOIN US"
"...Fuck off."
Xiaoqiao teleported away from there.
Xiaoqiao was blinded with a sun, as she set about preparing for the month.
"Y'know, we're not sisters." Daqiao said as Xiaoqiao surveyed the options menu.
"...Why?"
"Because this game is a load of garbage."
"So I have to become your sworn sister despite being your blood sister?"
"Yes. Shitty game mechanics at it's finest."
Xiaoqiao sighed and chose the interact option.
JULY
"Seriously? We hang out for a whole month and our friendship goes up by a single letter?"
Daqiao shrugged in response.
Xiaoqiao smashed the interact button again.
AUGUST
"LET'S INVADE NANZHONG IN OCTOBER!" Sun Ce yelled at the room.
"That is historically inaccurate as we're not even supposed to go there until Chibi." The teenage girl from behind the screen said aloud. "But fuck it."
Xiaoqiao chose some bullshit goals and ended up teleporting to Liu Zhang to form an alliance.
"So the last guy I tried to ally with was bipolar, please tell me you're not."
"I'll ally with you!"
"That didn't sound generic at all."
"And then screw you over later by completely taking over your territories and making the game a nightmare for the teenager behind that screen."
"Are you self-aware?"
"Why the fuck would a generic officer be self-aware you stupifucc-"
Xiaoqiao teleported away.
SEPTEMBER
Xiaoqiao was teleported to a table with someone who was a generic. A nanman, but still a generic. Alongside them was Daqiao.
"Who the hell is this?"
"Dong Tuna. I'm forcing you to become friends with him because his name is hilarious."
"We're going to invade his country and you're making us become friends?" Xiaoqiao, realizing her mistake, turned to look at Dong Tuna for some sort of outburst or surprised reaction. But nothing, because he has AI.
"Yep."
"I'll just go try to get supplies from Liu Zhang now bye-"
Xiaoqiao teleported to the table with the generic officer.
"Can I have free stuff?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I intend to be bipolar and screw you over, while also making your game hell for the next few years by making your leader think you shouldn't attack the capital."
Before Xiaoqiao could respond, she was teleported away.
OCTOBER
Xiaoqiao attacked Nanman people, including Dong Tuna. She also ended up killing Zhurong, much to nobody's chagrin.
At the end of the battle, Xiaoqiao was hanging around camp while Sun Ce recruited a bunch of generic nanman, including Dong Tuna.
"EXECUTION!"
Xiaoqiao stared on in horror as somebody executed Meng Huo.
"There goes my innocence."
NOVEMBER
"Liu Zhang you stupifucc, give me supplies!"
"Okay."
"Bipolar asshat."
DECEMBER
"Wanna become sworn siblings despite us being related?"
"Sure!"
They were teleported to a cutscene where they picked up a sword that was way too big for them and smashed a pot.
Xiaoqiao dropped the sword. "Couldn't that pot have been used for more important things? Why couldn't we just have a cherry blossom scene like in 7 empires?"
"Because the cherry blossom scene is reserved for love confessions."
"Oh."
"By the way, since the black screen just activated and we're teleporting back, you gotta get together with Zhou Yu."
"WHY?!"
"I think the controller wanted to make 'Zhou Yu is a pedo' jokes while writing this fanfic."
When Xiaoqiao went back, she was forced to interact with Zhou Yu.
This stupid playthrough was like 2 years longer than it needed to be