Title: Swirl

Author: Shawn Carter

Website: Summary: Three in Kara Thrace's life in the aftermath of her admission to Commander Adama about her culpability in Zak's death.

Timeline: In the middle of Act of Contrition.

There's nothing quite like falling.

It's this general feeling that everything under you isn't actually there and what little control you believe you have is all an illusion. You're tumbling and turning and the world beneath you is becoming less and less real and seeming more like some insane delusion.

It's almost like getting high. Or maybe crashing from the high. Feels great for a few seconds as you're flying through the open air and then you realize that there's nothing under you to stop your spin. Not a nice feeling.

I have to admit, I'm amazed by how many thoughts you can have as your life is flashing before your eyes. I figured there wasn't much more to say but hey I guess I was wrong.

Again.

What else is new huh?

I wonder if dying will hurt.

It's got to hurt right?

I mean life isn't terribly easy so I can't imagine that death will be either.

I wonder if I'll bleed a lot. I'm hoping my suit will protect me a bit, maybe keep my bones from getting crushed into powder. Maybe keep me whole for when the search party comes looking.

Live fast; die young and leave a good-looking corpse is the old saying right?

Yeah, I really don't want to die. It's the one experience I'm just not terribly keen on.

Kinda like love. Changes everything up and turns it upside down. Takes all the control away. Makes you feel like you're lost somewhere between invincible and helpless.

And Lords knows I already know how well the love thing turned out for me.

What with me killing my fiancée and all.

For so long I tried to find a way to justify what I did, to forget how I betrayed everything I was- my duty, my uniform and even my calling- just so that I wouldn't have to be the one that told him that had no business flying. Just so that I didn't have to be the one to crush him.

So there it is I suppose; I killed Zak because I was afraid that I would lose him if I didn't pass him. And maybe I would have and maybe I wouldn't have but I'll never know because in the end, right now, it doesn't matter.

Zak is dead and in two minutes, maybe less, I'll probably be as well. This parachute is slowing things down, giving me a chance but I don't harbor any hope here- my chances are slim and my only hope is that I don't fall in a way that will kill me instantly.

Slim that.

Well then maybe I'll see him.

I wonder if he'll forgive me. I wonder if he cares anymore. I wonder if you feel a fracking thing in death.

I wonder if you even exist.

And that's the truth of it then. My truth anyhow. I'm afraid of not existing. More than anything else in my life, I fear death.

I'm used to screwing up and bring down all sorts of my pain and heartbreak on myself. Thing is, if there's a way to hurt myself well then I'm going to find it. I accepted that a long time ago.

I am who I am.

I'm okay with myself.

Most days.

Some days suck.

Like today. Today is really not one for the old scrapbook. I don't think they'll be rushing to novelize it anytime soon.

Okay so a comedian I'm not.

Honestly not much to laugh about right now.

Nah, laugh no. Cry? Almost did. Managed to hold myself. Managed to pull it back in. Almost didn't.

That look. His look. I could see it all. It was there.

Hatred.

Not the first time I've seen that from someone I considered parental but really that's therapy for another day. Mom can wait. Hey I'm almost there anyhow so I figure loads to talk about.

Only I have nothing to say to her and about a thousand things I wanted to say to him. So much I need him to hear.

So much that would never come out.

Damn Lee.

Damn him, damn him, damn him.

I know I'm being irrational but I figure I'm about to die in a fairly bloody and gruesome way so I guess I can get away with it.

Fracking Lee. If he could pull his head out of his ass long enough to stop counting up his many boy scout badges then I wouldn't even be in this stupid situation.

Yeah dying is pretty stupid.

Right up there with passing a student just because you love him.

Pretty silly stupid. Only completely not.

I should have known better. And I don't just mean about Zak because really that's a big damn duh. No I mean with Lee.

I was going to hit him.

And hard.

Hard enough to wipe that smirk of superiority off his silly face.

Some days I want to strangle him. Put my hands around his throat and give him a good hard reality throttle. Just because of that damn smirk mostly.

Well okay, in truth he wasn't smirking at me but he was definitely being superior and that's enough.

And he kept pushing. He just kept on.

He wouldn't stop.

He knows me too well.

Well actually knew in about a minute and a half. Then I'll be splattered all over a few rocks.

Won't that be pretty?

Gallows humor then. Can't really stop it. Won't even bother trying. What's the point anyhow?

You can't stop fate and maybe this is my lifeline about to be spliced in two on the surface of the planet.

So this is fate then?

Funny the things you fight with as you're about to die.

Not much time left to find peace and even now I find that I still don't know how to even start.

He said I was making it personal.

That's a joke.

He knew I was making it personal.

He knows me that well.

We go back. We go way back.

And then Zak died and we didn't want anything to do with each other. I couldn't look him in the eyes and he didn't want to remember. He didn't want to see me. Can't really blame him. Funny thing is, he didn't even know the truth back then but he still knew that around me was somewhere he desperately didn't want to be.

Story of my life.

Two years then. Two years gone and passed.

Not like old times at all.

He wasn't my CAG then. He was my friend. And I have so few of those that it was something more, something special. Something I lost when I lost Zak.

But things are never simple and it doesn't really matter anymore anyhow.

And see now…even now…I can't make any kind of peace.

One more minute until I find out if there is actually an afterlife or if it's fire and brimstone for everyone.

Especially me.

Man this is crazy, so much going on. So much life passing and I have to say, I've lived it hard if not necessarily well. I'm not a great person but I'm not a bad either. I try to live and let live.

I try to be. In a moment that won't matter either.

I'm scared. I hate being scared.

I don't want to die. I don't want to cease existing.

I don't want to know what's next.

Because there might not be anything and all of this pain might not mean anything.

I'm such a coward.

And I'm not even an honest one at that.

I knew what I was doing out there, heading into the middle of a nest full Raiders. There was really only one way that fight could go and I knew it and I'm sure so did Lee and Commander Adama.

They had to know.

I wonder if he still hates me.

I deserve it. When Zak died and he stepped in to offer me comfort, that which I had no right to, it saved me. It kept me together. It kept me whole during a time when I wanted nothing more than to fall apart.

He saved me.

I'd lost Zak and Lee wouldn't even make eye contact with me but their father was the one who put his arms around me and held me.

He became my father. A stable rock of sorts in a world that got pretty damn used to walking away from me.

But it was only a matter of time.

And this is my penance and I ought to stop bitching and just accept it.

I betrayed him. I betrayed Lee.

I only cared about me. I couldn't be the one to hurt him. I let Zak die and maybe even smashing my brains against a few rocks won't make up for that.

Things are spinning now. I'm not sure if I'm speeding up or slowing down. Things aren't making sense. I feel like I'm about to hurl but my body isn't taking orders so I think everything is going to stay right where it belongs.

For now at least.

Thirty seconds until impact.

I wonder if they'll miss me much.

I wonder if maybe they'll forgive me.

I know I've tried to forgive myself for so long now that it all runs together. But it doesn't work like that.

Everything I've done for the last two years has led me to this moment. Every singe damn time that I've stared into a mirror and wondered if I could possibly spin out any further and then within a few minutes managed to find a lower place has brought me to this point of collision.

I don't want to die.

I want to be forgiven.

I want peace.

My vision is starting to blur together and the ground looks terribly close. I move my legs a bit but I don't think it's much. My head is swimming. I'm losing focus.

I'm losing it all.

Yeah, nothing quite like falling.

Nothing that is but darkness.

Impact.

Oh God that hurts.

And now nothing does.

Nothing at all.

Just darkness.

I don't want to die but if dying means that I might finally be forgiven, bring it on.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

-FIN