Cursing himself for letting this happen, Luke banged on the window again, "Jess! C'mon, Jess! Open up!" He used his forearm to try to wipe away the frost from the backdoor window to get a look inside. Maybe the boy wasn't still in the car. "Jess! Jess! Get up!" Maybe he'd been smart enough to seek shelter from the cold on his own. Even Jess couldn't be stubborn enough to stay outside on a night like this. Luke still couldn't see through the layer of condensation on the inside of the window well enough to discern if anyone was inside. He couldn't think of any logical place where Jess could have gone in Stars Hollow. He wouldn't go to the Gilmore's. Not after the way he'd run off to California without even saying goodbye to Rory. And it's not like the boy had made any other friends when he'd lived here. And nothing in Stars Hollow was open at this time of night. There wasn't even an all night gas station or convenience store where someone could wait out a bitterly cold night. If he wasn't in Luke's apartment, he had to still be in the car. Luke ran around the car checking all the doors, but they were all either locked or frozen shut. Either way, he couldn't get them to budge.
Ignoring the boy's sleeping arrangements had seemed like a good idea several hours ago. The police had dropped off Jess and his broken down car in front of the diner, and the two had gotten into a nasty argument that ended with Luke refusing Jess a place to stay and Jess settling in to spend the night in the backseat of his car. The temperature had already been down around freezing during the argument and had since plummeted to single digits during the night. Luke had been furious that after all this time, Jess still couldn't see that he'd done anything wrong, and wouldn't assume any blame for his out of line behavior. He had lied about going to school. He had lied right to his face for months. After everything Luke had done for him. And, the little punk had the nerve to roll back into town to take his car and leave without a word. He hadn't apologized. He hadn't seemed ashamed of himself. He'd just dished out more of the same defiant attitude Luke had had to put up with when Jess had lived with him. Well, the kid was an adult now and Luke didn't have to deal with his crap anymore.
Luke had been positive he was doing the right thing when he told Jess he couldn't stay with him tonight. He thought he could wait Jess out, and when the boy got cold enough he'd come in on his own, with a humbled attitude looking for a warm bed. Luke was so sure the Jess would cave when he got cold enough that he even made up the boy's old bed with fresh sheets before he settled into his armchair to watch television and wait for Jess' knock. He thought this was a solid, responsible plan to teach the kid a lesson. The little punk could use some humbling, and Luke had mentally given the boy an hour before he came knocking on the door with his tail between his legs, looking for relief from the cold.
Luke had been convinced he was doing the right thing up until he had woken up in his armchair ten minutes ago in front of the television, to see that it was now after four o'clock in the morning. He had checked Jess' bed, thinking the kid could have used the hidden key to let himself in while Luke slept, but it was empty. So was the couch. And the bathroom. Realizing Jess was not in the apartment, Luke had pulled on shoes in a panic and run downstairs and out through the empty diner without even stopping for a jacket. As soon as he got to the car, he started yelling Jess' name and pounding on the windows trying to rouse the boy so that he could get him in from the cold. He berated himself for being so stupid and cavalier with Jess' safety. If anything happened to his nephew because of his stubbornness and his desire to gain the upper hand in their battle, he would never forgive himself. He felt like he'd failed the boy all over again by letting this happen. As though letting him drop out of school and kicking him out hadn't been enough.
Luke was in panic mode now. He still hadn't heard any movement from inside the car, and the lack of response was worrying him. How long could a person survive outdoors in temperatures like this? He was already losing feeling in his own fingers after only having been out here a few minutes. What if Jess had fallen asleep before the temperature dropped, and was too weakened from hypothermia to wake up or respond? He kept banging on the windows. "Jess! Jess! C'mon, Jess, answer me!" Luke was feeling desperate now. This wasn't working. He needed to get into the car. He spotted a rock on the ground, and picked it up. He crashed the rock into the front driver's side window, to avoid spraying glass on the person sleeping in the backseat. The glass shattered, and Luke quickly stuck his arm through and reached back to unlock the backdoor. Just as he was pulling the door open, he heard a familiar angry growl come from behind him, "What the hell are you doing? You didn't do enough damage when you stole my car and let it rot for months? Now, you're actually vandalizing it! Jeez, Luke, what is your problem!"
Luke turned from the empty backseat of Jess' car to face the furious boy. Jess was crossing the street toward the car wrapped up in his jacket and hat, with his hands stuffed in his pockets against the cold. Luke was so shocked to see that his nephew wasn't frozen to death in the backseat of the car that it took him a moment to compose himself enough to speak. And when he did, his voice was shaky, and held none of the anger of their earlier conversation, "You're….ok."
"Sure looks that way," Jess' voice dripped with sarcasm.
"You… weren't in the car." Luke started to raise his arm toward the car but let it drop down to his side halfway through the gesture.
"Wow, you're two for two."
Taking in the look of raw fear still lingering in his uncle's eyes, Jess felt a flicker of shame for what he'd put the man through, and decided to drop his flippant attitude. Luke's worrying nature was often a source of annoyance to Jess, but he realized it came from a place of genuine concern, something that had been in short supply in his life prior to moving in with his uncle. "I used the spare key you keep above the diner door. I let myself in and was sleeping on the cot you keep in the storage room," he admitted. "I know you said I couldn't stay," he continued hesitantly, "but I thought it would be ok if I didn't bother you. I was planning to be up and gone before you opened the diner. But, then I was woken up by a madman yelling in the streets, and here we are…." he trailed off, feeling insensitive and wrong for attempting levity when Luke had clearly been so distraught about his welfare.
Now that the urgency of the situation had passed, Luke became aware of the cold and how inappropriately he was dressed for it in a long sleeve t-shirt and sweat pants. He felt his heart beating fast in his chest and his body trembling slightly, but couldn't tell if it was from the cold or the adrenaline crash from knowing the emergency was over and Jess was not in danger.
"Oh, ok. Yeah. That's….it's… good that you did that." Luke said slowly, still working through his shock.
"Is your hand bleeding?" Jess took a couple steps toward his uncle and bent forward to get a closer look at Luke's hand, which was hanging forgotten by his side. Luke followed Jess' gaze and was startled to see a long cut across the back of his right hand. A slow trickle of blood was dripping onto the ground near his feet, staining the snow red.
Luke looked back to Jess, and sighed, "Let's go inside."
Luke stopped to grab the first aid kit from the diner kitchen before leading Jess upstairs to the apartment where he started rinsing the blood off his hand at the kitchen sink, while Jess lingered awkwardly in the doorway.
"I'm sorry about your window, Jess," Luke looked over his shoulder at his nephew as he started to dry off his hand with paper towels and check for any glass shards. "I'll pay to have it replaced. I'll pay for the rest of the damage, too. I should have at least started your car and driven it every once in a while to keep it running." Luke chuckled softly, "Hell, I probably shouldn't have stolen it to begin with. I really thought that if you couldn't drive to WalMart anymore, you'd go to school. And graduate." Luke was silent for a moment. "Yeah, that plan worked really great, too."
"What do you mean, 'too'?" Jess asked, pulling off his hat and taking two hesitant steps in from the doorway.
"Well, nephew, my great plan for tonight was to leave you out in your car in freezing temperatures until you gave in and came crawling back here with your frozen little tail between your legs begging me for a warm bed for the night. Maybe even with an apology for lying to me for months about skipping school. I thought I could just wait you out. I didn't think you'd last longer than an hour out there. Then I fell asleep in front of the tv and woke up with the fear of god that your stubborn ass was still out in your car in the cold, suffering from hypothermia or you know, dying from it."
"Well, the major flaw in that plan was that you never last longer than twenty minutes in front of the tv without falling asleep," Jess tried out a smirk as he walked over to the kitchen table, where Luke was now sitting, sorting through the contents of the first aid kit with his left hand, with his right hand wrapped in a clean dish towel. "You need any help with that?" Jess nodded toward Luke's hand.
"No thanks, Jess, I've got it under control," Luke responded without looking up from where he was now one handedly unwrapping a piece of gauze. "You might as well just take your old bed and go get a few hours of sleep."
Jess tried not to be hurt by the rebuff. He had braced himself for more yelling when Luke had told him to come inside, but his uncle's calm dismissal felt even worse. He felt like he was getting sent to bed like a child whose parent was tired of dealing with him. He didn't want the night to end this way, so he made an attempt at lightening the mood, "Just so you know, my 'little tail' was indeed pretty frozen when I snuck into the storage room. So, that part of your plan was actually successful." Jess paused to wait for a response, watching Luke wrap his hand, then continued on when none came, "I should have knocked and let you know I'd come inside. I thought you'd be asleep and not think about me again until the morning. I really didn't mean to worry you like that."
Luke looked up at that. "Jess, I've been worried about you ever since the day I woke up to find you gone eight months ago."
Jess felt his anger flare up at that. He jerked a chair away from the table, and sat down opposite Luke, leaning forward on the table, "You kicked me out! You told me I 'had to go' so you don't get to be hurt and worried because I did what you told me to!"
Luke sighed. He'd gone over what he'd say to Jess if given the chance so many times in his head over the past few months. He could already tell that actually doing it was going to be tougher than he had thought it would be. He had let himself get dragged into a hostile argument earlier in the evening with Jess, and he couldn't let that happen again. It was too important to him to make Jess understand his side. He worried that if he couldn't, he'd lose his nephew for good. "You're right," Luke acknowledged. "I shouldn't have kicked you out like that. I regret that I handled things the way I did, and I'm sorry. I've given this a lot of thought since you left." Luke paused to get his thoughts together as he finished wrapping his hand. He looked back at Jess, who looked taken aback at the apology, before he continued on, "I still don't know what the exact right way to handle it would have been…but the things I regret are trying to interfere with you getting to meet Jimmy, and then kicking you out as soon as I heard you weren't graduating."
Jess was caught off guard by his uncle's apology. "We did have a deal," he conceded quietly. "I knew that I had to stay in school and graduate to live here. I get that I let down my end of the deal, too."
"We did have a deal, Jess, but everything didn't have to happen the night you told me you weren't going to graduate. When I think back on that time…you were in a bad place. You and Rory weren't on good terms. I still don't know what that was about. You had just been in a fight with Dean at that party, your father had just unexpectedly dropped back into your life, and you'd just found out you weren't graduating high school." Luke tried to read Jess' expression to see how he was taking this. All he could see was annoyance, but that was pretty much a default setting for Jess. Or at least it felt that way to Luke when his nephew was around him.
"Jeez, Luke, please don't include my fight with Dean on that list. That guy doesn't matter. He had nothing to do with why I left."
"I know that, but it was a bad fight, and I'm guessing it had something to do with your problems with Rory. And I came down pretty hard on you about it. When I think back to our conversation in the diner the morning after the fight, I can't remember asking you if you were ok. Did I ask you if you were hurt, or did I just yell at you for getting in the fight to begin with?" Luke looked at Jess closely, trying to pick up whatever he could from Jess' reaction in case he didn't get a verbal response.
Jess rolled his eyes. "I don't know. I always tried to tune out your voice when you were ranting like a lunatic about something that wasn't my fault." Jess snapped, and instantly felt a stab of guilt as he watched Luke's face fall a little at his response. Thinking about the events surrounding Luke kicking him out still hurt, but he knew he needed to match the effort Luke was putting into this conversation if they were ever going to be able to move past it. And he did want to move past it. He sighed and dropped his eyes to the table, "You probably did, Luke. I really don't remember, but it sounds like something you would do. I can't imagine you not asking me if I was ok."
That got a small smile from Luke. "Thanks, Jess. I guess what I'm trying to say is… I just feel like I should have given you time to process everything that was going on then. I know that's what I need when big changes are happening in my life. And I don't think we're all that different in that respect." Luke paused again to regroup, then pressed on, dipping his head and trying to force the boy to make eye contact. "I should have cut you a little slack, and waited until we'd both calmed down a little to talk about the school stuff. All I could think about was trying to get you to agree to redo your senior year. I should have given you time to consider your options. Hell, I should have given you options, period! All I knew about was the traditional route. You go to school, take tests and get your diploma. Did you even know you could have finished your senior year by taking classes online? I didn't know that. It's like a type of home schooling and it counts toward a high school diploma. They give you the stuff you need to study and you take the tests online. And you're smart enough to do that, Jess. You could have learned like that, on your own. I didn't even think to research stuff like that until after you were gone. I should have looked into this when I knew you were in danger of not graduating. You could have kept your job at Walmart and done the online classes at night. I should have researched this stuff for you. I should have done better. You deserved better."
Luke thought his nephew looked a little shell shocked. Damn it, he was probably messing this up, too. Real emotion always scared Jess off. He should have worked harder to keep this conversation lighter. After the fear and shock of believing Jess had frozen to death tonight, Luke was operating on raw feeling. Protecting himself and defending his own actions didn't seem important anymore.
Jess knew it was his turn to be honest and take responsibility for his part in bringing their relationship to this point. He hated to think about how he hadn't even been welcome in Luke's home earlier tonight. He knew what he needed to do to rectify that, but he wasn't sure how to begin. He started off slowly, "If it still means anything to you at this point….I am sorry that I lied about going to school and everything. I thought about calling from the road, especially after I left Jimmy's place. But, I didn't know if you'd want to hear from me. You did so much for me, and I messed it up…." Jess paused to get his thoughts together, remembering his solitary trip across the country and back. The many nights spent on buses or in cheap motels, feeling so very alone and sorry for himself. The time spent in California with Jimmy and his new family, feeling so out of place with them that it physically hurt. And wanting so badly to reach out to his uncle, but still too scared of being turned away to actually make the call. He continued on softly, "I thought you might hate me. I felt like I could deal with you yelling at me, but I wasn't sure if I could take it if you just didn't want to talk to me and hung up on me or something."
"I never hated you, Jess. I promise. It would have been good to hear anything from you. I can't say for sure I wouldn't have yelled again, but I wouldn't have hung up on you. When I didn't hear from you, I was pretty sure you were the one that hated me."
Jess raised one shoulder slightly in a half shrug, "Getting kicked out of school was stupid. I get that. And I get that you felt like you had to do something about it. I guess I was too old to just get grounded or something, so I get why kicking me out made sense. It's not like I didn't want to graduate," Jess explained. "I really thought I could work at WalMart and still get passing grades. And I was. I mean, even when I was kicked out, it wasn't for actually failing anything. I always did enough to get by. I didn't know they had some stupid rule about kicking out a student who wasn't failing just for missing too many classes. I still think that's pretty messed up."
"Why was working at WalMart so important to you, anyway? When I was your age, the kids who skipped class did it to smoke or do drugs, not to work at department stores." Luke looked thoughtful, "If it was all about getting a car, I would have helped you with that."
Jess looked down at his hands clasped on the table in front of him. "I never would have asked you to do that. It wasn't your responsibility to buy me a car. I guess I just wanted to make sure I had enough money to be ok when…..." Jess struggled for the words, but he knew he had to go on. "I was already eighteen. Graduation was right around the corner. I didn't know what was going to happen then."
"Jess, did you think I was going to make you leave as soon as you graduated?"
Jess chuckled hollowly, "I didn't exactly think you were going to boot my ass out the door immediately following the ceremony or anything. But, yeah, I did think I would've had to move out and be on my own sometime soon after that. I mean, you wouldn't have had any reason to keep me around after that. And, I just wanted to make sure I had enough money to get a room somewhere, so that I would never end up on the street again."
Luke had been getting ready to say that he wouldn't have rushed the boy out the door, that Jess could have stayed with him after graduation and maybe commuted to college somewhere in Hartford, until all his focus was pulled to Jess' last sentence. "Again? Jess, what do you mean 'end up on the street again'?" Luke's voice was starting to rise, and Jess could tell he had never been told about this specific instance from his childhood. He could also tell it wasn't going to go over well, and he felt like he couldn't deal with any more anger when he was already feeling so raw.
"It's not a huge deal, Luke. Don't get worked up."
"What happened, Jess? What are you talking about?"
"Nothing, just forget it." Jess' resolve crumbled beneath Luke's glare. "Fine, but I'm not going to tell you if you're going to get pissed." Jess said quietly, and waited for Luke to get his anger under control.
"Ok, Jess. I'm not going to get pissed." Jess could see that Luke was trying to force himself to look calm. "Now, tell me what you're talking about. Please."
Jess sighed and started to speak, "Like I said, it's not a big deal. Once, when I was around nine we spent a couple of nights…with nowhere to stay. We were living with one of Liz's boyfriends, but it was his place, and...we ended up having to leave in a rush in the middle of the night." Jess hesitated, not sure how much detail to go into. He knew Luke would assume they had fled an abusive boyfriend. In truth, Liz had come home drunk and gotten into a fight with her boyfriend. The man had yelled at her, asking her what kind of mother stays out drinking all night, and she'd lost it, throwing things and swinging and scratching at him like a crazy woman, before the man had thrown them out. Recounting that part of the story would only serve to cause Luke more pain. Deciding it was better to let his uncle blame a man he would never meet than his own sister, Jess pushed forward. "Anyway, we went to a payphone in the park down the street, but Liz couldn't get ahold of any of her friends for us to crash with. We ended up spending the night in the park. And the next one in a bus station because it was raining. Then Liz found a friend who let us stay with her until we were able to get another place. So, everything ended up fine. Obviously."
Jess looked up at Luke to gauge his reaction. He could tell his uncle was pissed off and doing his best not to show it. He knew the anger and judgement weren't directed at him, but he still felt the same discomfort he always felt when discussing some of the less savory aspects of his childhood.
"Was that the only time you and Liz were homeless, Jess?" Luke's voice tightened on the word homeless.
"Yeah, that I remember, at least. I brought it up to Liz once, years later, and she denied it ever happened. I'm not even sure if she was lying, or if she'd just been drinking so much around the time it happened that she honestly doesn't remember. I do, though. And I don't want to ever be in that situation again. So, I wanted to make as much money as I could before I was out on my own, you know, without a safety net or anything." Jess was still focused on the table, but the view was starting to get a little blurry. Letting himself remember those nights in the park and the bus station always shook him. It was the first time he had let himself really acknowledge just how badly he had been shafted by having Liz as a mother. He could remember watching a drunk Liz as she cried in the park that night and admitting to himself what he had always known deep down, that his mother couldn't be trusted to take care of him. She wasn't a bad person. She just wasn't capable of taking care of herself. And he had no one else. That feeling of being lost and utterly alone in the world had settled on Jess' nine year old shoulders and hadn't become any less painful in the intervening years.
Jess didn't know how much longer he could do this. He really wanted to retreat to the solitude of his bed, far from this conversation, and this hurt. The problem was, it wasn't his bed anymore. He'd messed up and lost his welcome, and he knew the price to earn it back involved getting through this conversation until Luke deemed it done. He owed the man that much. And it was a price he was willing to pay to not feel as alone as he had since leaving Stars Hollow. Living with Luke had been the first time that Jess felt relief from his loneliness in a way that felt real, as though it could last. He thought he'd lost that, along with Luke's affection, when he left. But now that it seemed like it might be possible again, now that he could see the carrot of family and safety and love dangling right there in front of him, he'd do whatever he needed to get it back.
"Oh, Jess, I'm so sorry you had to go through that."
"S'ok. It was a long time ago." Jess sniffed once at the memory.
"Jess," Luke spoke with more earnestness than Jess could take, "I know this is going to make me sound like a huge hypocrite right now, because I did tell you that you couldn't stay here after you got kicked out of school. But, I want you to know that going forward you'll always have a safety net. Here. With me. If you ever need a roof over your head again, you have one here, ok? I mean that."
Jess nodded without looking up. He didn't trust himself to make eye contact, or to speak. Luke could tell the boy was close to his breaking point. He was overtired and emotional, and Luke didn't want to push him. He could only imagine how much Jess would withdraw from him after the fact, if he actually let himself cry in front of his uncle. Luke already felt grateful for how open and vulnerable Jess had allowed himself to be tonight. This conversation had gone better than Luke had imagined. Jess didn't hate him. He wasn't going to shut Luke out of his life.
Luke got up and walked over to Jess's chair. He pulled gently on the boy's arm, "Jess, c'mere. Get up."
Jess quickly wiped the corner of his eye and composed himself enough to speak, "No way," he protested weakly. "If you think we're going to hug now, you're crazy!" He tugged his arm away from Luke.
"Who said anything about hugging?" Jess could hear the smile in Luke's voice without looking up to see his face, "maybe I just want to smack you around a little."
Jess snorted out a laugh at that, and let himself be pulled to his feet, "oh, well, in that case…"
Luke pulled Jess into a hug. It had been a long night, but to Luke, it was the best one he'd had in months.