August 25th

Today was my birthday. I turned 20. I called Ukraine, but she didn't answer. I called Russia, but he didn't answer either. Maybe, they forgot it was my birthday again. I didn't bother buying a cake because nobody was coming over. I thought Lithuania might come by like last year, except I forgot that he's still in the hospital. I thought that, maybe, I should buy a new dress or something to celebrate. Then I remembered that I'm already low on money, so I didn't go out. When I get more money, then I will celebrate a late birthday. I can't wait until I have more money again.

August 27th

Today, I had to go to the store. I saw Russia. I watched him for a really long time, but he didn't see me until I called his name. He looked at me, but then he walked away really fast. We haven't talked since the car accident. The doctors told me that I would think differently for the rest of my life, but I feel fine. Ukraine said I acted younger after but I don't remember how I acted before, so I don't know. I invite her over sometimes, but she doesn't have a lot of money either, so she has to work, too. I don't think she worked as much before the accident but maybe she did. I think I should ask the doctors.

August 28th

Dr. Johnson told me about the accident. I'll write down it so I don't forget. Russia was driving a van with Ukraine, Lithuania, Estonia, Latvia, and me. Nobody else knew I was in the car because I was hiding in the back. I jumped up and scared Russia. Then the car swerved and hit a big rock. Lithuania is still in the hospital and he's out of his coma. He's learning to talk again. Estonia and Latvia were fine. Russia needed an operation to put his leg back together. Ukraine's left arm is paralyzed. I had brain damage. I still think I'm fine. If Ukraine's arm really doesn't work anymore, they it would take longer to work her farm. That's probably why she doesn't come visit anymore. I wonder why never noticed. I wrote down her address so maybe I will help her. That would be fun because we could talk and work at the same time. Maybe she will tell me why I scared Russia and made him swerve the car.

August 29th

I went to Ukraine's farm today and helped her. She showed me how to pick corn. Her corn-picking machine is gone. She had to sell it. That made me sad but she said it's okay. We picked corn all day. She had to do it with one arm and that looked really hard. A big corn fell on my head and knocked me down. Ukraine was really worried because my head was already hurt. I told her I was fine but she said I should sit down for a little bit. I sat on her front porch and watched her. Then a truck pulled up and Russia got out. He went out and kissed Ukraine. I didn't know that they liked each other like that. There was a weird tugging feeling in my chest when I saw them kiss. I decided it wasn't important. I went to say hi to Russia and he got a weird look on his face. Then Ukraine whispered something in his ear and he smiled. He walked up to me and asked how was I. I said I was good and asked how his leg was. He said it was already all better. I hugged him and he hugged back. I don't think he ever hugged me before. Ukraine said maybe I should sit down. As I was leaving, Russia started telling Ukraine that I was really different. Ukraine said that he should be glad that I wasn't in love with him anymore. I think I remember asking him to marry me once, but I don't remember what he said. Then I started remembering lots of stuff. I remember when I was five and Russia took me to the park on my birthday. He pushed me really high on the swing and I fell off. Then he carried me home. I think I asked if he loved me like more than a sister and he said no. I wonder why I asked that. Maybe I thought he was like a hero when he carried me all the way home. After Russia left, Ukraine asked me if I wanted to come to a World Conference with her tomorrow. I said sure. She said she would come over and pick me up tomorrow.

August 30th

I'm sitting in the World Conference right now. America is talking really loud and it hurts my ears. This morning, Ukraine bought me a new dress. It was red. It fit me perfectly. I wonder how she got the money to buy it. She put a white bow in my hair. That made me remember when I wore a white bow because it matched Russia's scarf. Now I wear my hair in a ponytail because it covers the scar on my head. The bow covers it unless I tilt my head back. Then Russia came in his truck. I'm pretty sure sit he didn't have the truck before the accident. I guess his other one broke really badly. I hadn't been in a car since the accident either. Russia made me sit behind the passenger seat so he could see me while he was driving. I hope he doesn't think that I would scare him into crashing his new truck. Ukraine thinks I should pay attention because Russia's talking now. I like his voice…

The World Conference is over now. It was kind of boring because lots of people used big words that I don't understand. I didn't remember anyone's name. I think a man with long hair (France?) said that he thought I died in the car crash. I didn't. Afterwards, we all went to Russia's house. He made me sit behind the passenger seat again. We had a picnic. Ukraine and Russia kissed again. I felt the weird feeling again. I asked Russia if he loved her as more than a sister and he said da. I had to ask him what da meant. He looked at me funny and said that it meant yes. Then Ukraine reminded him that I was different than before and he nodded. I guess I'm really different. I asked Ukraine if I would ever get my memory back and she said probably not. I told her that I remember the time at the playground and she got really exited. She said she remembers that too and my memory was coming back. I am happy.

September 2nd

I've been trying really hard to remember more stuff. I think I remember that I was mean to Ukraine a lot. I told her that I was sorry. She said that it was okay and she thought I was kidding anyways. I asked if I was mean to Russia too and she said no. She said that Russia was my favorite person ever. I remember a date with Lithuania but I think I'm missing part of it because it was only like three minutes. I remember breaking all of his fingers. I don't remember why but he must've been mean. Maybe I should visit him in the hospital when he can talk again. If he lost his memory too, then he won't remember me being mean to him. I asked Ukraine if I was always mean because that's all I remember. She sighed and said I was very protective of Russia so I was mean most of the time. That made me sad because I don't want everyone to think I'm still mean.

September 9th

Every day, I remember more. I remember loving Russia. I loved him more than anything. I don't know if I still do. He's so happy with Ukraine. She's helped me so much and I don't want to anger her. I'm starting to understand why I was so mean. People are irritating. They don't understand me. I didn't talk to Ukraine today. She called me on the telephone, but I needed time to think. Ever since the corn hit me on the head, I've been remembering things. I remember a lot more each day. Next time I see Russia, everything will be different. I'll remember the past. I remember how much I wanted him and how alone I felt when he wasn't around. I can't remember the crash just yet, but I'm close, I think. I remember the time right before it. I was hiding behind the back seats of the car. I thought Russia was going out for a drive, alone. Instead, everyone got into the car and they were going on a drive through the mountains. Russia was driving. Ukraine was in the passenger seat. Lithuania, Estonia, and Latvia were in the back. Lithuania was complaining about having to sit in the middle. I can't remember any more, no matter how hard I try. I wish I could. I also remember a lot about having a knife. I think Russia gave it to me when I complained about being bullied at the playground. I wish I had it still. It made me feel safer. Maybe Ukraine had it.

September 10th

Ukraine said she didn't have the knife when I talked to her on the phone. She said the police probably took it. I was a little upset until she promised to get me a new one. I'm still scared to see Russia again because I might still love him. I want him and Ukraine to be happy. Ukraine invited me over tomorrow. I forgot to ask if Russia was going to be there. I guess I'll find out.

September 11th

I still love him. I walked into Ukraine's house and he was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking vodka. I had an urge to hug him, but I didn't. I wanted to ask him to marry me. That would've been wrong. I helped Ukraine bake some cookies instead. They tasted good. Afterwards, I got a headache so I left early. Then, I got a package in the mail. It was from Ukraine. Inside was a beautiful knife. It was very sharp and the wooden handle was carved just to fit my hand size. I wonder how she could've possibly afforded it. I'll have to pay her back. That's not it. I remember it now. I jumped up into the back seat and Latvia screamed. Russia turned around and saw me. He took his hands off the wheel to push me back. Ukraine bumped the wheel. The car swerved and was about to hit the rock. Then, blackness. At least I think that was it. I'll have to verify it tomorrow.

September 12th

I called Ukraine and asked her about the crash. She said that I was wrong. It wasn't my fault. I think she was lying. I'll have to ask someone else. I don't know where Estonia and Latvia live, since they moved away from Russia. Lithuania can't even talk right yet. I guess that leaves Russia. I blush at this. I have to talk to Russia alone.

September 16th

I finally talked to Russia alone. He said I was right. Then I asked him if he loved me. He got the same terrified look that I remember him getting when I would ask him to marry me. So I did ask him. He locked himself in his bedroom after that. I walked down the hallway and stumbled upon a room. It was mine when I was a child. Everything was still neat and clean. I didn't want to go home, because I lost the electricity finally. I'm out of money. I slept in the small bed there. When I woke up the this morning, I was home. The water is shut off now. The heat, too. It gets really cold in the winter. I already felt chilled under all the blankets on my bed. I don't want to ask for help. It was my fault that everyone almost died that summer. I'll just have to last out the winter. Goodbye, journal. I don't need you anymore.

December 25th

It's so cold. It's Christmas, but no one gave me any presents or anything. I don't care. I sent presents. Ukraine got a new shovel because her old one was really beat up. Russia got a bottle of vodka. I still don't know Estonia and Latvia's new address. I sent Lithuania a note telling him that I was sorry that I used to be so mean. He's still in the hospital. That was what I spent my grocery money on. I sold a few things so I could buy a little food, then. I'm shivering a lot. There's a blizzard, but I stopped having money to go out and buy things awhile ago. I sold an old dress so I could buy my siblings' presents. Tonight, I will go to sleep and never wake up. I'll leave this journal for anyone who wants to read it. I'm sorry that I was so obsessive over Russia. I didn't mean to make the car crash.