My Dearest James

by snapsandprongsforever

Lily decided after Hogwarts that James didn't fit into her future. But after the break up and a summer apart, she knows that she made a mistake. A letter from Lily to James in hopes of reconciliation.

My dearest James,

Today I was on a walk and I walked by a tree that looked exactly like our birch tree by the Lake at Hogwarts. You know the one. The one that fills my head with memories of you and laughter and happiness. The leaves are budding on the trees and the colourful birds are beginning to return, chirping and singing their melodious songs. I saw a couple sitting in the grass under the tree, in the weak spring sunshine. I thought of you, and how I miss you. My heart aches with your absence. I thought when I left you that things would change, that I would be able to forget you but alas you are etched into my heart. I carry you with me wherever I go. I catch myself having conversations with you in my head. Sometimes when I feel really lonely I will curl up in bed and listen to love songs, reliving memories of our time together. There is a gaping hole in my life where your presence used to be. I finally got up the courage to write you this because I had to get it off my chest. I can only hope you actually read it, instead of throwing it out without opening it.

I still remember the first time I saw you. We were both so much younger, less experienced in the ways of love. From the first moment I saw you I knew you were special. However I could never guess how much you would come mean to me and how special you really are, especially because it took years for me to admit it because I didn't want to look past your façade, it was so much easier to see an arrogant bully because an arrogant bully was so much harder to fall for than a gentle, kind and loving heart. We knew each other forever it seems before we actually took steps towards getting to know each other, preferring to let habit and old animosity stand between us. I know we definitely had a long and complicated history, but that didn't make our relationship any worse, in fact I think it was part of the adventure. Looking back, our fumbling attempts at love make me laugh a little but you were always sweet and willing to laugh off either of our mistakes. Part of me fell in love with you at first sight, the first time you smiled at me (even though you were smiling because you had just poured Pumpkin juice over my head), but you captured my heart completely that Halloween night when you taught me how to play Quidditch. I remember catching the Snitch, and your shout of joy when you saw that I had accomplished what you had always knew I could. You always believed that I could achieve things that even I couldn't imagine myself doing. You gave me confidence in myself and that is the greatest gift you could have given me.

This is only one of the things I love about you. You were always ready with a joke, wanting to make everyone laugh and cheer everyone up. Despite your carefree demeanour you hurt inside. You let yourself be vulnerable around me and allowed me to show my weaknesses. I love the way you smell, it haunts me. Sometimes I smell something that reminds of you and I look for you, my heart falling when I realize that you aren't here any longer. I love how you would make me tea when I was stressed and coffee when I was tired. When I was sick you would go get my favourite movies and make me chicken noodle soup. I miss sharing the Heads Dormitories with you, being able to see you every day, the tune you would always whistle, the way you would tap your quill against your cheek while you think, and the way you seemed to always be missing an article of the school uniform, be it the tie, a sock or the fact that you shirt would be rumpled and hanging half tucked in to your shirt, which was usually done up sideways. You gave great advice and you always were able to see what I was feeling, sometimes before I knew what I was feeling. You would always know how to make me laugh and weren't ever afraid to express your opinion to me, even if it wasn't the same as mine. You taught me that real love begins when nothing is expected in return, because you have always loved entirely, asking for absolutely nothing in return.

I haven't been the same since I met you. I'm not the same without you either. I have discovered this summer just how much I love you, even though I never told you. I turn around expecting you to be there, I start conversations with you only to realize that you can't hear me. After such things happen I usually feel a searing regret and then I will go to my closet and pull out the Quidditch uniform shirt you let me borrow once and I never returned. Your smell has faded by now, but it still makes me feel closer to you. I cannot wait until this summer is over and we can see each other. There are times I imagine how it will play out when we see each other again at last. I like to imagine that you will be in Hogsmeade waiting for me with your arms open, but it is more likely that you won't, and the thought is like a dagger in my chest.

I realize now why I left you. I was fleeing your love. I was too young and scared. I couldn't commit to you. Godric knows I wanted to but part of me felt that I wasn't ready. I was too scared that you could hurt me, or that something bad would happen. I know you would never hurt me but I didn't like the fact that I was vulnerable and that my heart could be broken. There is never any way to guarantee that a relationship would work and I was too scared to take the chance, though I should have. I knew relationships were hard and I couldn't put the work into it at the time. So much has passed between us James, I didn't know what to do, my mind was clouded, I couldn't see clearly through all my doubts, but they are all gone now.

I could have just said no, but all I did was walk away. It breaks my heart to think that you could hate me. You should hate me. I didn't mean to hurt you. I should have explained, I should have told you why I couldn't love you then. But I didn't and now it may be too late. Regardless, I wanted you to know that I am so sorry. I understand now what love is and I am ready to admit that I love you completely. I know that it isn't enough to just say that, but I want you to know that I am on my knees begging for forgiveness. I know you. You know that my pride is my biggest downfall but I want to apologize for what I did because I regret it most deeply. I hope when you read this you will understand how I have always felt about you and still do despite the fact that it scares me to death. Even though it might be over between us I want you to know that I will always love you. Love is good, but given unsought is better. Therefore I am giving you all my love, knowing that there is every chance that you won't accept it.

I am counting the moments until we see each other again. I hope that you can find it in your all too generous heart to forgive me because I never should have let you go. I know now that the supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. I can only hope that you still love me as I love you.

If you have made it to the end of this letter there may still be a chance for us. I hope that it is so. I shall see you again in a few weeks and I am counting down the seconds until I see your beloved face that is always etched into my eyelids.

Eternally yours,

Lily

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