Disclaimer:I do not own Harry Potter This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. So in short don't sue me it'd cost you more in legal fees than you'd actually get considering I own nothing.
Authors Notes: Alright this is just something silly I thought up while awaiting my doom at the dentists office the other day. I have a crazy fear of dentists and needed something to distract me from trying to flee in terror (as I did at my previous appointment, no joke I really am that crazy.) Anyways so yeah I found my little poem amusing and thought I'd work on it a bit more and post it (even if I suck at rhyming- damn Doctor Sues and his made up words have ruined me for life!). No offense to anyone who writes or reads abused, tragic, hurt and comfort Harry stories, they actually used to be my favorite genre and are what got me into Fan fiction in the first place, but they're just so fun to tease. This starts out a little stupid but I think it get's better.
"The Many Woes of Harry Potter"
by Pink Bismuth
Harry Potter's life is an obsession
People can't let these books go
Thus we have this succession
Of fan fictions' fulled with woe.
We all know how his story goes
His fate was quite the curse
The question that has thus arose,
Is why do Authors make it worse?
Hurt and sorrow largely abides
Those Authors are meticulous
With angst filled tales of suicides
And it's getting quite ridiculous!
Harry's life was troubled
And dangerous as well
But why must that be doubled?
Why do we put him through hell?
There are many stories out there
That stray from Harry's canon life
Many Authors who do declare
Harry needs a bit more strife
It's not enough his parents died
Or that he was neglected
There needs to be more homicide
Harsher abuse should be expected
He must be left all on his own
His mind left to unravel
Otherwise how could we condone
His inevitable time travel
Canon wasn't bad enough
We have people to impress
Harry needs to be more tough
If we're to ensure success
Traveling to an AU world
Or to the long since past
Canon Harry would get hurled
He just wouldn't last
Oh this makes perfect sense to me
So we have to toughen him up
The glass can't be half empty
We wont even give him a cup
He'll be tortured by the Dark Lord
And he'll probably go insane
But the results will be it's own reward
He'll just have to endure the pain
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger
Isn't that how the saying goes?
So clearly he'll live longer
If we fill his life with woes
In many stories of this kind
You'll see the abusive Dursley plot
Better villains one couldn't find
So you'll see them quite a lot
The Dursley's were horrible
But I find it rather scary
Just how very deplorable
Their behavior is to Harry
The Dursleys may be awful
But some how I really doubt
They did anything so unlawful
As kicking his teeth out.
Petunia may be jealous
She may have swung a frying pan
But lets not be overzealous
She wont hit Harry with a van
They did not get on
She may not let him eat
But I don't think in canon
She'd watch Harry get beat
If Vernon was less restrained
I know Petunia was no saint
But the carpet getting stained
Wouldn't be her only complaint
Vernon hated magic
Of that there is no question
But lets not be so dramatic
About his misplaced aggression
I can't see him beating Harry
Into a vegetative state
He doesn't chug down sherry
To magnify his hate
He may have liked to yell and shout
But I can't see him breaking bones
And he definitely wont pimp Harry out
To pay his gambling loans
Of Vernon I'd be wary
He's as twisted as his drill
But the idea that he'd touch Harry
Would probably make him ill
Dudley may be dreadful
For his cousin he hardly cares
But he's not quite so awful
As to push Harry down the stairs
When Dudley taunted Harry
About not being brave in bed
I find it very scary
Just how often that's misread
Incest did not occur
No matter how it looks
That sounds a bit mature
Weren't these children's books?
One would think that such abuse
Would be rather hard to hide
If Mrs. Figg saw a single bruise
She'd probably tan their hide
She may be an old lady
But she'd do more than lecture
She can be rather scary
Just ask Mundungus Fletcher
And I just don't believe
Dumbledore, the ever omniscient
Would be quite so naive
As to see the abuse as beneficent
And what of Madam Pomfrey?
Harry sees her every year
One would think that she would see
If the abuse was so severe
He could try to lie
But I think that she'd ignore
The idea that a black eye
Came from a violent door
I think I'd throw a fit
If she wasn't better qualified
And had a bit more wit
Than to be completely mollified
She wouldn't take these excuses
She wouldn't believe such fibs
It'd be hard to hide the bruises
Or explain the broken ribs
And if there was abuse
It'd be pretty cruel
To try and change some views
By telling the whole school
Yet it happens in many stories
Harry's abuse is made well known
Because no one ever worries
Whether it's something he'd condone
Because that's just so Dumbledore
Yes he likes secrets exposed
Yeah we've all thought that before
He just can't keep his mouth closed
Dumbledore was manipulative
Keeping secrets all the time
But I think it's a tad excessive
To accuse him of so much crime
Authors accuse him of blackmail
Of theft, forgery and neglect
One would think he'd be in jail
Or at least get less respect
Harry wasn't anyone's pawn
This was not a game of chess
All this betrayal can be foregone
Please give this bit a rest
Snape may have been a jerk
With a grudge that wouldn't die
But I don't think he'd go berserk
And make poor Harry cry
Occlumency lessons were a failure
Between them there's no affection
But I doubt Harry was in danger
Of Snape widening the connection
The classes were sub par
Harry liked his mind free of Snape
But even he wouldn't go so far
As to call legilimency mind rape
Lockhart was a git
As pompous as they come
Without an ounce of wit
Boy he sure was dumb
But I really do not think
Despite any Author's rants
That behind that jaunty wink
Were plots to get in Harry's pants
He never really struck me
As the type to sink so low
I think many would agree
That he was just real slow
I wonder how very shocked
Harry would be to find
That he is being stalked
By deviants of this kind
It just seems very strange
After all the fics I've read
That there's so broad a range
Of people forcing Harry into bed
Even Dark Lord Voldemort
Isn't safe from this offense
But the thought just makes me snort
Despite his anti-moral sense
He has enough followers
So somehow I really doubt
He'd ignore his Death Eaters
And seek poor Harry out
Tom may have been obsessed
That I wont deny
But I really must protest
Even though he's the bad guy
He wanted Harry Potter dead
Was enraged when he'd escape
But I think you're touched in the head
If you think this would lead to rape
Harry may have been depressed
About his troubled life
But he was not quite so distressed
As to end it with a knife
He didn't jump off towers
Or overdose on medication
He did not spend all hours
In self afflicted isolation
If Harry got the flu
Let's not cause a commotion
Influenza's nothing new
There's got to be a potion
Why is it every detail
Of Harry's life is so troubled
We put his problems on a scale
And every time they're doubled.
Everything's so traumatic
There's trouble always brewing
Let's not be so dramatic
A paper cut won't be his undoing
Does no one find it ironic
That in angst stories he's always dying
When he became iconic
Due to his penchant for surviving
Ron and Hermione were not paid
To guide Harry toward the light
Dumbledore did not persuade
Eleven year olds to make him fight
I think BitchHermionie!
Is probably the worst
Yeah cause we all know mutiny
Is something she's rehearsed
It's not that she cares for him
Been loyal from the start
She just follows Harry on a whim
She's just a silly tart!
Or Dumbledore told her too
But I really wouldn't bet it
There are some things even she wont do
Just to get some extra credit
Ron was not the best
Sometimes he was a moron
But I'd have never guessed
That he was so far gone
As jealous as he was
I don't think it was his aim
To befriend Harry because
He was trying to steal his fame
Ron wont suddenly decide
Harry's an attention seeking liar
And cast their friendship to the side
Because Harry's a better flyer
Ginny knows nothing of love potions
She's failing Snape's class fast
And her mother has no notions
Of moving up their social caste
They aren't plotting fake pregnancies
Or drugging Harry blind
They wont be committing felonies
To keep Harry confined
Harry had a lot of money
The Weasley's had none to spare
But Harry would find it funny
If you said that was why they care.
If they were ever after his gold
Treacherous plots would not ensue
Because if the truth was to be told
They wouldn't really need too
The Weasley's wouldn't rob him blind
The idea would make him laugh
Harry was always of the mind
That he should give them half
The student's could be vicious
Spreading rumors left and right
But they're not so malicious
As to start a massive fight
They won't sneak up on him
And beat him black and blue
And the chances are very slim
That a lynching would ensue
Hogwarts is a school
Certain standards are upheld
I'd imagine as a rule
Such things get you expelled
They might whisper, point and glare
Tease and taunt him too
But I think it's a bit unfair
What Authors say they'll do
Gryffindor won't disown him
They wont destroy his stuff
Things really aren't that grim
I can't stress this point enough
I can't see the Professors
Simply standing by
Seeing these aggressors
Chanting "Potter needs to die!"
The students don't just sit around
And think of things to say
Hoping to put their Savior down
And bring him such dismay
Harry's no stranger to insults
Topping Snape's would be an endeavour
I could just imagine the results
Considering they thought "Potter Stinks" was clever.
Do you really think
After putting up with Dudley
That Harry would even blink
At the student's being less than cuddly
I doubt that this behavior
Could turn Harry from the light
That he'd not be their savior
Due to such a petty slight
As if poor public opinion
After living at Privet Drive
Could make Harry a minion
Of the most evil man alive
The ministry was flawed
I'm really not a fan
But I'd think it rather odd
If they sentenced him to Azkaban
It wouldn't be such a long shot
In the facts I wouldn't delve
If the AzkabanHarry! Plot
Didn't always happen when he was twelve
Fudge we can chide
As a Minister he did fail
But it'd be career suicide
To throw a kid in jail
He may have been a dumb-ass
He may have been in great denial
But I don't think that he could pass
On giving a twelve year old a trial
I read these stories blunders
They're everywhere one looks
Am I the only one who wonders
If we all read the same books?
Alrighty, I don't particularly like it (again I've no talent at rhyming and unlike Doctor Sues I didn't take the lazy way out and make up fake words.) Then again maybe it'd be funnier if I did use fake words. But well I admit slight amusement from this despite my lack of poet prowess . Ah well I hope at least one person derives amusement from this (besides myself). Oh I know nothing of the indentation and punctuation of poetry (I hate how damn finicky and undefined poetry makes grammar) so if you notice anything off about it tell me so I can fix it!