Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. There are dark themes and light themes in this story. Rated M for a reason. Mentions of rape and abuse. Not for the faint of heart. Not all couples start right away.

Main couples:

Shisui Uchiha x Sakura Haruno

Sasuke Uchiha x Naruto Uzumaki

Itachi Uchiha x Karin Uzumaki

Pein x Konan

Keeping Tabs on Life

Journal,

Today is my twenty-second birthday. It doesn't really feel like it, but then again, it's four in the morning and I haven't slept yet. I figured I could use the cool journal program Sakura got me for my computer for my birthday. She gave the program disk to me early insisting by saying, "It's technically your birthday and I know how much you enjoy writing." I couldn't argue with that. She stayed over until half past midnight just to be one of the first people to say, "Happy birthday" to me. When she does things like that, it's hard not to love her for how much of a thoughtful person she is. She has no clue how much I care about her, and I have no clue how I'm supposed to gather the courage to tell her. She's been my best female friend for the for the last seven years. Sasuke (my first cousin), Naruto, Neji, and Shikamaru are my best guy friends. My other female friends besides Sakura are Hinata, Ten Ten, and Ino. I don't care much for Itachi, even though I live with him, Sasuke, and Auntie Mikoto. He's very withdrawn and distant and I never know what he's thinking. He is my older cousin though, so I do have some love for him as family. Sasuke and I are very close, we don't talk much, but we still communicate through actions and eye contact like it's second nature. Sakura is the one I talk to the most, her and I share a lot about each other. But I can never tell her my darkest secrets.

Auntie Mikoto is waking up soon to start the tea and coffee for the house. Itachi and Sasuke will be waking up soon too. Their dad, and my uncle, Fugaku passed away about four years ago, my last year of high school. It's been a lot more peaceful since he's been gone. He was an alcoholic for a while, since shortly after I moved in with them and he would beat, molest, and rape Sasuke and I in secret. I think that deep down, Itachi knew of what happened in the beginning. At the time he must've not cared enough to do anything, or didn't know what to make of it. But he knew of what was happening to us.

To Fugaku, Sasuke "wasn't as good as Itachi" and "never going to be a good enough son," and me because "He's just a burden to this family" and "just another mouth to feed." Auntie Mikoto knew of this, but never had the courage to speak up against him, and Itachi just tried to brush it off. If Sasuke and I had told anyone, he would've killed Mikoto and ourselves while we all slept. He used to say that to us every time he would go after us. Thankfully, one day he drank too much with a handful of painkillers and overdosed while driving back from the bar. Neither Sasuke or I have told anyone, but I felt like I should write it in my journal in case anything happens to me. I think I only had the courage to write that because Sakura gave me this journal to help me with the reason I "stare off into space all the time." So, I figured I should jump in with both feet and finally write what's been bothering me for so long.

The reason I've been living with my cousins, aunt, and uncle for the last eight years is because both of my parents passed away from terminal brain cancer right before my high school year started. The only person I told the medical details to, was Auntie Mikoto. I could tell something was off about Fugaku by how he looked at Sasuke and occasionally brushed up against him the wrong way. Auntie Mikoto brought me to the hospital and had the doctors give me numerous brain tests to see if I showed any signs of having the brain cancer myself. I found it odd that I didn't get any blood tests besides general nutrition levels, but I was just a high schooler and I was devastated about my parents dying and Auntie Mikoto was beside herself after losing her older sister, that we just went with what the local city doctors were doing. They told me privately to make appointments with them twice a week. Since they were powerful adults in my eyes, I did that up until the end of high school when my parents' funds ran out. I never accepted Auntie's money because with how her husband treated us. I felt like I had to be on my own when it came to money. Even with the full-time night job at the local bookstore I started along with college at nineteen, I haven't been able to afford going to the doctor more than once a month. Maybe they forgot about me? I don't get any calls from them asking for me to make an appointment. I just go there, they ask me to sit down in the waiting room, call me into the room, do a few basic tests, ask if I've been eating, I usually say that I don't have much of an appetite anymore, they nod, check my reflexes, and then send me on my way. It's not worth going to or paying one hundred-fifty for every appointment.

Well, Auntie, Sasuke, and Itachi are up so it's time for breakfast. So, I'm going to go for now.

Today ended up being pretty good, I had the day off from work and I didn't have any classes to go to today since it's the weekend. Auntie cooked eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast, along with the tea and coffee. After that Auntie, Sasuke, and I all went to the little lake behind the house and enjoyed laying in the sun and just talking about life. Itachi had something else mandatory with his job planned so he couldn't join us, but he told me that he had something special that he wanted to give me before I went to bed. I don't know what he could be talking about, maybe it's something to help me sleep? I mentioned getting a bottle of melatonin to help me sleep later this week. Hmm. It's hard to tell with Itachi cause he's distant most of the time and always staying out late with his friends.

Sakura ended up stopping by not too long ago, she came by for lunch and her and I had a picnic together on the tourist platform at the top of the Hokage mountain. It was so peaceful watching over the city with her. I just loved looking at her face as she slowly scans the city in childlike wonder. The way her deep forest green eyes seem to sparkle, and how her face just lights up really makes my heart melt as her rosette hair flows in the brisk October breeze. I just want to write songs about her, and sing them for the world to hear. Unfortunately, I think I would die from all the blood that would rush to my face from self-consciousness of saying my feelings for her through songs. Hmm, maybe I could do it without specifically saying that the songs are for her. And not say any names or telling anyone who it is. But if Sakura asks then I don't know what I would do. I don't want to ruin the friendship I have with her if she doesn't feel the same way for me as I do for her. She is just so perfect in my eyes. She's studying medicine at the college we go to, she wants to be a doctor at Konoha hospital and help with the children's wing for mental health. I think she's going to do great at it. We were talking about it earlier. I had asked her why she wants to go to college children's mental health, since it's not that common field of a field to go into. She said that she wants to be a doctor because a lot of things can happen in early childhood to the teens that can negatively affect how a person grows up and gets through life. It made me wish that I had that when I was in high school, I really could've used the help and I still could, but I don't have the money for it anymore. Anyway, she also told me how the head doctor at the hospital is taking interest in her because of her outstanding academic skills and intern time at the hospital.

Itachi is coming home soon. He's bringing his friends and somehow talked Auntie to go out with her friends tonight, so we could all have a "little party." His friends from his group called "Akatsuki" are coming with him. Akatsuki is what they called themselves in high school and have been calling themselves that ever since. It's always been a mystery what they all did together, because in high school they all acted like regular rebel students. Their home lives, besides Itachi of course, were and are still unknown. Here's what I know about them:

Itachi: Quiet, reserved, very intelligent and cunning. Cold black eyes and matching hair that's tied in a low ponytail, and wears black a lot. Always had to be at his father's highest expectations. Treated as a spoiled prodigy.

Sasori: Has this cool obsession with art and puppets (he says "Art is eternal beauty), also quiet, but can be outgoing when talking about art or strategies, and likes to draw graffiti art in his sketchbook. He has short blood red hair and amber eyes that are calculating and occasionally cold. He usually wears red, brown, dark green, and black.

Konan: The only female in the group, she likes origami, she will occasionally cook food for the rest of Akatsuki for lunch, has moments where she's mercilessly stern with people even if they only mess up a little, and it one of the two leaders in the group. She has an origami rose on her dark purple hair. She, like Sasori, has amber eyes, but hers look sharper and sometimes there's a flash of motherliness hidden in the depths.

Pein: The main leader of the group, his face is covered in piercings. He has three in the bridge of his nose, two in his bottom lip, probably a tongue ring, and a ton of ear piercings. He has dark orange hair and his eyes are a dark purple. He was the best-known bully in Akatsuki along with Hidan.

Deidara: Is also obsessed with art but he like destroying his clay pieces because he says that "Art is an explosion!" with a lot of passion and argues with Sasori about what art really means. He's loud, brash and likes picking on others. He has long blonde hair with a half ponytail and half of his bangs covering the left side of his face. He has dark blue eyes.

Hidan: Is also loud and brash, and he curses a lot more than any of the others in the group. He has silver hair that is slicked back and short. He iris' are a light pink. He's also the most sadistic and the most masochistic person I have met.

Karin: She has long, bright red hair that has a lot of layers on one side with matching red eyes. Fiery attitude. Dresses provocative, dates Itachi, and is the total opposite of her second cousin Naruto in terms of good and bad. She is bad in my eyes. She always bullies Sakura for being around other Uchiha (Sasuke and I), for having a big forehead, and for being soft spoken

Well, they'll be here soon so I'm going to get going. I hope they don't bring anything troublesome...

It's about two in the morning and the sky is moving and turning purple and purple is a pretty color on Sakura. Did you see those little square papers that taste weird? 'Tachi and Pein gave me some. The floor looks like a fruit basket and everything is meshing together. And you'll never believe it but Sasuke, Pein, Konan, Sasori and even Itachi and I bonded really close. It was weird, rhythmic, and kind of painful at times for some reason but the rest… it's all a blur. Sasuke only had one of those weird tasting square papers but I had two and it was like woah. The purple cake tasted like the smell of flowers and the stairs were dead crocodiles. Everything is turning dark and scary I hope that I don't die I still have so much to do and I must tell Sakura I love her. Why are there demonic faces changing shape, size, and colors? …I don't understand…

Sakura appeared out of some strange mist and when she come over to me she says "Hi Shisui-kun! How are you today? Isn't this warm weather nice?" But the thing is, the whole time her face and muscle underneath were melting off her face and dripping onto the floor. Her eyes are rolling towards me and the pupils just turned into mouths. They're chanting "Just under the hill is where you take the pill. Under the house is where you dissect the mouse" over and over. My mind is panicking. I wish it would all just go away. The floor is slowly melting away and I just want to fall in and end it all. What is this intense pain I'm feeling? It sounds like a heartbeat against skin and just something rhythmic in my whole body…

Help me Sakura…

Journal,

It's been about two days since my first experience with drugs. Itachi decided that it would be a good idea to give Sasuke and I "edible paper" and a few "sleeping pills" while all his friends came over and forced Sasuke and I to have sex with them to my knowledge. I felt so disgusting when I woke up and something warm and sticky came out of me and was covering all my stomach and back.

I can't begin to understand how Sasuke is feeling…He hasn't come out of his room ever since I woke up soberer the next day. I haven't had the courage to talk to Sakura… She's going to think I'm despicable. I can't face her. I haven't even eaten in the last two days because of the drugs. I've only left my room to go to the bathroom and vomit whatever bile is left in my stomach. Only to see what a disgusting mess I am in the mirror. I'm covered in hickeys and bruises. I managed to take a cold shower to get the cum off and out of myself. Itachi came in my room shortly after and said "Do not inform Sasuke of this, but I have a video of the two of you engaging in sexual activities with my friends and I. And let's not forget what you and Sasuke did. Don't think of running to anyone for help, because no one will believe you. I'm a well-respected prodigy." After that he showed me the videos of what had happened the night before.

Deidara was the one holding the camera, I could tell because he showed himself before showing Hidan crushing up pills and putting them in cake batter. He then looked at the camera and said, "They're going to have fun with that aphrodisiac, yeah" before the video cut and a new scene was shown. This one was of Akatsuki huddled around Sasuke and I as I was talking to him. Hidan then looked at Sasuke and I and said, "Hey, you guys want some edible paper? It tastes kind of funky at first, but you get used to it." We were reluctant to try it but Itachi came up and said "Come now Shisui, it's a present for your birthday that you can share with Sasuke since you two are so close. You even seem to be more of a brother to him than I am. So, come on Shisui, it's just paper, what harm can it do you?" Sasuke and I both shrugged and ate our own small square paper. I should've seen the red flags going up. Especially with what happened next. Itachi soon spoke, "Would you two also like this small cake as a celebration offering?" "Uh, sure, I guess. Thanks, Itachi." I said doubtfully. We started eating cake and then the video cut out again. The next scene was a few hours later after the aphrodisiac and lsd kicked in. Sasuke and I were visibly uncomfortable playing a game of twister. We were both majorly tripping and hornier than we had ever been because of the drugs in our systems. As the moves were being called out, Itachi was occasionally rubbing up sexually against Sasuke and I, taking turns with Konan, Pein, and Sasori, and Deidara, while Karin called out the next move for the game and held the camera.

As the video went on our resolve began to weaken as we were both stripped naked. Itachi then made his way over to me and said "Dear cousin, you have quite the problem down there. Do you want me to make it go away?" Unable to control myself I nodded. "I will help you, if you help me first. I want you to suck on my cock until I cum down your throat however many times I see fit. And you better swallow it all my little slave. Same with you Sasuke. You're going to share your big brother's cock if you want any sort of relief for your problem." When I didn't move right away, Itachi forced both of us on our knees in front of him next to each other. He then undid his pants and looked spitefully at us. "You do this for father, why not me too?" he said before shoving his length into Sasuke's mouth. "If you bite it I'll take you right now in the roughest way I can, same goes for you" he said while staring at me. He grabbed him by the back of the head and began face fucking him for a few minutes and then turned to me. "I've been waiting to do this to you, Shisui. I think I'm going to take you differently than Sasuke. I want you to go nice and slow when you suck it. Now start out by licking the tip for a little bit and then suck on it." I didn't move right away and Itachi slapped me hard across the face. Tears came to my eyes as I began licking Itachi's tip and then my arousal from the drugs got the best of me and I began moaning and sucking his cock like it was candy. Suddenly, Itachi spoke, "Sasuke, keep your mouth busy and help out your cousin." Sasuke went up to me and went between my legs, he then took my erection in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down on my shaft.

The next video was of Itachi raping me anally while forcing my face into Konan's crotch and giving Sasori a hand job, while Pein and Deidara double teamed Sasuke from both ends.

The videos lasted about an hour and the last one was of Itachi raping me, while I had anal sex with Sasuke. By the time Itachi got done showing me the videos, I was in tears and couldn't do anything but push him out of my room and lock the door.

Ever since the day I woke up I keep having recurring and intense thoughts of suicide, but what he said this morning really made me want to fucking disappear. The after effect of one of the drugs just makes me feel like all hope is gone in the world. You'll just lose all those close to you and you'll never know when it'll be. It could be today, tomorrow, hell, even two years from now. What's the point in staying alive just to watch everyone fall before you? I could never bear to watch Sakura die, if I was even lucky enough to be in her final moments. I just want to disappear into the void and stay in limbo until my soul dies. I need to see how Sasuke is doing first. The least I can do for this world is make sure he's okay. I'll be back.

Journal,

His condition is worse than I thought. His hair is greasy and not spikey in the back like it usually is. He has dark circles under his eyes like he hasn't slept either. And he seems to have only moved from the room to quickly wash what was on him as well. I unfortunately also noticed that he was covered in red lines. His wrists were littered in fresh cuts. It fascinated me more than it should have, and I began to consider this as a possible release to my constant mental pain. Sasuke seemed to notice this thought and gave me a sad, pleading look. I knew he didn't want me to do it, so I gave a reassuring smile and a thumbs up. I asked if he wanted to talk and he said that he just wanted to disappear and that he hated being alive and has for years ever since his dad began touching him and making passes, then abusing him into submission. He said that he just wants to be free of the constant pain and desperation he feels every day. I didn't know what to say for awhile because I agreed with him on everything he said. I told him, "Hey, I know things are rough, but we'll make it through this. What about Naruto? I know you guys are close, have you talked to him lately?" He said, "No, you're the first person I've spoken to in two days. I'm admittedly reluctant to speak to anyone about anything, but you're my closest family member, Shisui-nii. I know I can trust you with what happened. I don't remember much of what happened cause Itachi slipped me an alcoholic mixed drink that was well made to the point that I couldn't tell it was that kind of drink. He was very adamant on the refills and for some reason I didn't see it as a red flag."

He began tearing up about halfway through and was full on sobbing the next. Understanding his pain and feeling it too, I also began to cry. We held each other for a long time before Sasuke pulled away and began wiping away at his tears. "Hey Sasuke," I said, "I think a good person to find comfort in is Naruto. You guys are very close, and I know he would understand what you're going through. I'm not trying to push you away by saying that, I just want you to know that if I'm not there, a good person to go to would be Naruto." I smiled reassuringly at him and as Sasuke always is, he was quick to retaliate with, "Like you're going to do with Sakura?" with a playful smirk on his face. I paled and then blushed in embarrassment, then paled again. "I can't do that Sasuke. She's too pure to need to know that. I can't have her worry about me either. I don't want to stress her out with my issues, you know?" Sasuke thought about his answer for a few minutes before saying, "But you love her, don't you?" That struck me in the heart and made me understand that I can open up to Sakura. Because I love her for many reasons. "You're right Sasuke-chan. Thank you for making me understand that. I guess now that I think about it, I could say the same thing to you and Naruto, ni?" I gave him a brotherly hug and made my way towards the exit before pausing and turning around towards Sasuke's direction. "Try to wash up today, we missed school for two days without saying anything, we don't need to make people suspicious. I mean, I know it's college, but you and I are there every day there's class and we never skip out. I know it hurts to walk and I want to apologize for what they made me do to you, and for what they did to us." "Why are you apologizing Shisui-nii? Just because it was your birthday doesn't make it your fault. We'll get him back in no time and serve him justice. It may take us awhile to recover, but at lease we have each other, and Naruto and Sakura. You made me realize that. Thank you, Shisui-nii. For what it's worth, I forgive you." I smiled at him again and made my way out back towards my bedroom. I couldn't help the sudden wave of depression that hit me. Why am I feeling like this? Weren't things going to be okay? "No!" My mind began screaming at me. Telling me how worthless I really am to the world. How I'm just a nobody with small dreams. I decided to go to my room and try out what Sasuke did to himself. I began on my left wrist. I started with one shallow one, then I became more confident in myself and cut deeper. The pain felt euphoric. I continued going up my forearm. I ended up with twenty on my left forearm and then continued and did eighteen on my right forearm. I sat there and let the natural chemicals flow through my brain and make me become intoxicated with the feeling.

Journal,

Today is Wednesday and I have decided to go back to both school and work. It's agonizing pretending that everything is okay. I had to wear a long-sleeved high color shirt, like the ones in high school, to cover up all the marks. My façade almost cracked when Sakura asked me where I was and if I was okay. I just shrugged and told her I had a cold and still wasn't feeling well and then began walking to class. It hurt to do that but if I let her in Itachi and his friends might do something to her. I stopped walking and looked back. I wanted to ask if she was coming with me, but my heart wouldn't allow me to, so I kept walking. "I'll write about it" I faintly said. I don't know if she heard me or not. But once I got to class I got into study mode again and got ready for the day ahead.

Journal,

Today, I took the medicine from the cabinet. My heart is pounding but I know I can do this. Dying isn't that hard, right?

Sakura, if you're reading this, I'm sorry that I have chosen this path to take. I feel as if it is the only way for me to really go on in this disgustingly cruel world. You were the light of my life and I will remember your beautiful face for the rest of my short life. You're amazing in the way you talk, the way you sing and hum your favorite tunes in the car on the way home from school, the way you want to go to school to be a pediatrician, I know you'll do amazing, and even your soft-spoken nature is amazing to me. I know you find that as a major flaw in yourself, but your kind and gentle nature makes you very loveable. I love you, Sakura Haruno. Wherever my soul ends up, I'll wait for you in the next life.

Journal,

It's been about ninety days since I last wrote, I've been in the hospital in the psychiatric ward because I attempted to overdose on auntie's sleeping medicine. While I was there, they gave me a few tests and were surprised by the state of my body. During one of the more personal tests, they'd found out that I was raped when they saw the multitude of healing bruises and bitemarks, and how torn up I was in my anus (thankfully I was asleep for that one since I would've refused to do it awake). They also found small remnants of the lsd and aphrodisiac in my system and confirmed that I was indeed taken advantage of during that time.

While I was there they had me put in my own room for my comfort and would check on me every day, every fifteen minutes. I didn't mind it, it was a little comforting to see the nurses and doctors whenever they came by. They never forced the information from me, they always asked kindly if I would open up to them about what happened and why I tried to kill myself. It took me about two months to finally feel comfortable with telling them what had happened. I left out Itachi's name, and his friend's names because I was afraid of what would happen to Mikoto and Sasuke if I did tell them. They were sympathetic with me, but I felt like I didn't really need it. I had a few visitors, the first were police asking questions about what had happened and trying to get me to tell them the names of my assailants. They were also very kind and after about two months, I decided to trust them too. But since the police are all Uchiha like me, I had to be very careful with what I said to avoid any harm to my auntie and younger cousin. I ended up telling them that it was just some guys I ran into in a dark alley.

Auntie Mikoto, Sasuke, and Sakura visited a lot. Sasuke was the one that found me not breathing passed out in the bathroom leaning on the sink. He was also the one in the ambulance with me, and waited in the waiting room as they tried to pump my stomach in time and fill me with IVs so I wouldn't die. I was out for a few days because the shock of everything that happened finally hit me in whatever limbo I was in. I couldn't make eye contact with him whenever he visited, I was too ashamed. I was even more ashamed that it didn't work. To be honest, I couldn't look at any of them, not even Sakura. The first visit she tried giving me a hug, but I flinched at the contact. Anyone that tried to touch me made me flinch after what happened. Whenever she came to visit we just sat in the visitor's room while she, at first, tried asking questions, but eventually just went and told me about everything that was happening in her life. I pretended to not be interested, but when she said she aced her finals the week before I couldn't help but smile, even if I was looking away from her. Somehow, she saw the smile and it encouraged her to keep going. I began outwardly making myself look happy, but inwardly, I was on the verge of tears. At least I could make it look like I was getting better, to Sakura anyway. I didn't want her to worry more than she already had.

I never knew what to do when Sasuke came over, the first time he came over and I made eye contact with him, he looked so broken and close to tears that it knocked the wind out of me. I couldn't bear to look at my baby cousin after that.

Towards beginning of my stay, they started me on an anti-depressant, they waited a few weeks before coming back and checking how it was getting accustomed to my system. Over the weeks, I had learned to live with the symptoms, and even perfected a façade to make people think that I was okay. It seemed to work, as I noticed the anti-depressants they gave me were doing nothing to help me and my mood had been steadily declining ever since I woke up. I didn't want help anymore, I didn't want the pain meds, I didn't want any of it. I just wanted to be left alone to die. Hell, I still do. The only two people that are even keeping me going are my little cousin Sasuke and Sakura-chan.

End of chapter one, I hope you guys enjoyed it. Please let me know what you think :)