A/N-- Okay, just so you know this is my first time posting. For some reason I can't figure it all out, so there will be a few problems with it. :S Anyway, sorry about the grammar. It isn't edited. I am also just beginning to write so it isn't that good. And if you are confused about some things, sorry about that. It will go from present to past randomly. It is also a little sad. Other than that I hope you enjoy it.
I'm Dead Without You
"How could you?" I screamed, "How could you possibly leave me? I need you! I need you more than anything right now," while I was slamming one fist against the marble headstone and the other was clutching my tangled hair.
"I love you! I love you! Can't you see that? Did you have to leave me?" I yelled as I looked up at the dark ominous sky, tears filling my eyes. I was counting on him. He was my everything. I wished I could just wake up and everything would be how is was before. I would be safe, loved, happy, and, most importantly, he would be here with me.
"Why, why, why?" I sobbed hysterically. I couldn't take it anymore, I fell to the ground in a curled up ball. My body was shaking violently and I was sobbing silently; I could no longer control my actions.
"I can't do this, I can't do this," I whispered quietly to myself. I wanted to die right there and then. How could he do this to me? How could he leave me at the worst time in our lives? I thought as I lie there, hoping to die myself.
"Come on Bella, it is time to get up," I heard a soft voice whisper. I whimpered, but I didn't move. Not only because I didn't want to, but I didn't know if I even could. The love of my life was lying six feet under me and I didn't want leave. I just wished I could be with him.
One of sickening things were when people came up and told how lovely the service was. How lucky he was to have a wife like me. That he is in a better place. Hah, like I wanted to hear any of that right now. I just wanted my husband back so we could start a family and be happy, but no, life isn't always what you want it to be.
I suddenly felt my body being lifted off the ground and was cradled against a muscular chest.
"No! No!" I screeched, "I can't leave him! I will not leave him," I thrashed around wildly, but the strong arms carrying me kept me restrained.
"Bells, Bells, come on Bells, it is going to be alright," a deep voice soothed. Like I wanted to hear that either. People don't get it, nothing is going to make this better.
I couldn't handle anything anymore. He was gone. My life was basically over now. I have nothing else to live for. I had nothing before him and I have nothing now. My life is useless. That is the last thing I remember before I could only see darkness.
*~*
First day of junior year. Oh how frightened I was. New town, new school, and new house- well new to me, not my dad. To top it all off, I had to try and make new friends. It was nerve wracking just thinking about it.
"You can do this, you can do this," I chanted to my self as I stepped out of my rusty old truck. The schools in Washington were a lot different from the schools in Arizona. This school, Forks High in Washington, looked like an average building, not a high school. I guess you couldn't expect much from a small school.
The main office wasn't too hard to find, but the secretary was a little too helpful.
"Now dear, if you need anything, I mean anything, come talk to me and I can help you or I can have someone come and help you," I thanked her and was off to my first class. I shouldn't have taken her being nice for granted. The secretaries at my other school were defiantly not that nice. My first five class past in a breeze. Most of them I had already taken in Arizona. So the subjects were easy for me.
At lunch, I sat by some nice people, but I didn't feel like I fit in too well. That was how it was at every school I went to though. It didn't bother me at all by then.
After lunch, I had biology. An alright class, not my favorite, but certainly not my worst. I walked in with a kid, named Mike, who offered me to show me how to get to the science lab. Although, I knew how to get there because I had passed it a couple of times. I just didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him no.
The teacher wasn't there when I walked in. I had to stand by his desk while I waited. He ended up being five minutes late, it was embarrassing! Everyone just sat there and stared at me until he came in. Okay, so not everyone, but it felt that way.
Mr. Banner, the teacher, had me sit in the only empty seat left in the class. When I walked over, the boy had his head bent down so I couldn't see his face. I slowly pulled out my chair, it made a big screeching sound, and sat down. The screech had gotten his attention, not that I was trying to do that, and he looked at me. He smiled a little, stuck out his hand and said, "Edward Cullen, it's a pleasure to meet you."
I knew from the moment I held his hand in mine and looked into his deep green eyes, that I could do this and it wasn't so frightening.
%~%
I woke to a familiar beeping sound. My body was stiff all over and it felt like I hadn't moved for days. I looked around and noticed I was in a basic hospital room: white walls, tiny bed, and no room to walk around; not to mention the smell. How nice, just what everyone wants to see when they first wake up. My nose felt weird and I tried to take whatever was in it out, but something caught my hand.
"Uh, I don't think so. That needs to be in there until further notice," someone said, whom which I didn't even notice was in the room. I looked at the man, he had a white lab coat on over blue scrubs. In addition, he had a name tag stating his name was Dr. Anderson. Yet another clue telling me I was in the hospital.
"What am I doing here?" I questioned, my voice was faint and I wondered if he had heard me.
"Well, Isabella, from my knowledge it seems that you fainted," he sounded a little amused. That kind of pissed me off. Dr. Anderson didn't know anything about me. How could he find that I fainted amusing?
"Yeah, well, I had a right to," I quietly sneered back. Although, I don't think he caught it and if he had, he didn't say anything.
A little while later, he said I was all cleared up and could go home. Home. Did I even want to go home? Edward wasn't there, he would never be there again. No, I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to relive those bittersweet memories.
"Hey! You're finally up. The doctor said you can go home now Bella," I looked up to see Alice looking down upon me.
"I don't want to go home Ali," what I really wanted to do was throw myself down on the ground and scream, but I don't think she would have let me do that.
"Don't worry, you are coming to mine and Jasper's house for awhile. Now, come on, you look like crap. We need to get you cleaned up," yeah, like I wanted to do that right now.
When all the papers were signed and I was finally released, Alice drove me to her house. The drive was mostly an awkward silence. Neither of us wanted to talk about the situation. We stopped at her house and sat in the car for a while.
"Alice, please take me home. I don't know if I can handle being anywhere else right now." After some arguing, she finally agreed and headed off to my house.
When we got to the house, it was a depressing sight. The rooms had a dreary feel to them. Every where I looked I could see our past and what we had. We looked so happy, the pictures, the memories, the everything. It didn't feel real, he wasn't suppose to be gone. He was suppose to be here with me, and we were suppose to have a family. Suppose to, suppose to, suppose to. Hah. Suppose… I hate that word. I thought.
%~%
Alice left soon after I was settled. She didn't want to, but I really just wanted to be alone. I think I upset her by not wanting her there. I just couldn't handle anymore of anything. I wanted to wrap myself in a ball and cry myself to sleep. No, that's not really what I wanted, but who gets what they want now-a-days? I just wanted my husband back. Was that such a bad thing to ask for?
*~*
I had been in school for about two months now and the excitement of my coming was finally wearing off the small town. I had met some fairly nice people, but I still felt like I didn't fit in. My friends were great-even Jessica, though I think she just befriended me to put a spot light of attention on herself. But still, I just didn't feel like I belonged with them. I was actually enjoying the rainy weather in Forks. I still love the heat of Arizona, but it was a nice change. Charlie was liking the new arrangement too. It meant better food for him.
I hadn't talked to Edward much outside of biology, which was a little upsetting, but I kind of understood. Half the population of girls were drooling over him-literally. I might have too at some point. What can I say? He's gorgeous. Sigh.
%~%
Time moves forward even if you are not ready. As does life outside of your own world. I got every morning, got dressed, went to work, came home, and went to bed. That was my ritual, every single day. I was a walking zombie. I didn't see my friends often. They would try and come over, but it wasn't the same with out him. I wasn't the same with out him. I was a shell of what I once was. I had become dependent on Edward and now I don't know how to function without him.
*~*
It was an ordinary day, nothing too special had happened, which I was thankful for. My person hell was upon Forks High- the prom. Rumor was that Mike was going to ask me and I had been avoiding him all week. Normally girls would be excited for prom and would be jumping for joy at the thought of a boy was going to ask them to it, but not me. I would consider myself one of the most clumsy people in the world. Sometimes it seems like I trip over air. Prom plus dancing equals disaster for me and those around me. I walked into biology with my head down, I didn't want to look into Mike's eyes just in case he tried to talk to me.
Edward was there already at our lab table as usual. Class started and I noticed Edward fidget a couple of times. It was odd, but I didn't put too much thought into it. Suddenly something hit me in the face. Startled, I picked up a folded piece of paper.
Hello. Was all it said. I was a little confused and wondered were it came from. I felt a nudge in my side and I saw Edward incline his head toward the note. I looked at the note and then back at Edward.
For me? I mouthed to him. I got a nod of then head, then he turned toward the teacher.
Um, hey? I replied. I mean, really? Edward Cullen was passing notes to me. In class. Weird!
I was wondering if you would accompany me to the dance this Saturday. Wait, what? Edward was asking me to prom? This day is getting weirder and weirder by the second.
Me? I questioned, still in shock of what he was asking.
Of course you! Was how he responded. Did I really want to go to the dance? Not long ago I was trying to avoid this.
Uh, I don't really dance… I watched as he read what I wrote. He shook his head and had a small smile on his face.
It's all in the leading.
I sighed as I read it. It was Edward Cullen asking, but I still didn't know for sure. I thought it over for awhile and then decided, why not? I only get this opportunity once.
Sure, sounds fun.
Edward looked at him me, smiled a wide smile and continued on with his notes for the actual class. And that was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
%~%
"Bella, I am sick of this. You need to move on. Edward has been gone for almost a year. You are not the only one who lost him, you know. We miss him too, but we are not mopping around all day. Life goes on and you need to, too. Now get up, get dressed, and go out for a change because I can no longer see you like this." Alice said as she tossed close around my room. She then turned and saw my tear stained face, sighed, and continued, " I know you are suffering, but so are the rest of us. When we lost Edward, we lost you too. We need you back Bella, I need you back! Everyone is here to help, but you are not allowing us to." She said gently as she wrapped her arms around me.
I unwrapped my self from her and cried, "You don't get it Alice. I know you suffering too, but it feels like I am suffocating. I can hardly breathe. Edward was my air, my life, my everything, but now… now, my heart hurts and it's going to stop, stop and never start again. I don't know if I can live with out him." I wanted to scream and yell at her, but I couldn't; she had lost her brother and was dealing with the pain in her own way.
"Bells, I know it's hard. And it will get harder. Opposed to what they say, it doesn't get better with time, sometimes it gets worse. You will live through it and eventually you will know how to deal with it, but that doesn't stop the pain, I know. I really do know. I lost him too and I think about him everyday," Alice was in tears streaming down her face now. " I just think that he would want you to deal with it and not close your self off to us, your family, and the rest of the world."
*~*
"I can not believe it is time already! It felt like yesterday you told me you were engaged!" Edward's sister Alice said as she jumped up and down. Edward had proposed right out of high school and we were getting married before we both headed to Dartmouth for college. "Are you getting cold feet? If you are, now would a good time to back out. I wouldn't want you to feel like you made a mistake later in life," Alice prattled on.
"Nope, my feet are warm and toasty. There is no way I am backing out of this Alice. I love Edward more than life its self and I couldn't image being without him." And I couldn't. Ever since Edward asked me to the prom, we have been together. I loved him with all my heart and I don't think I could ever love someone like I love him.
*~*
The wedding was beautiful. Alice had really out done herself. It took place at the Cullen mansion and it was a small ceremony. Only close friends and family came. My father, Charlie, walked me down the isle. I had two bridesmaids, Alice and Rosalie. I didn't have a maid of honor because I couldn't choose between the two. Rosalie and I had gotten off on a rocky start, but when we got to know each other, we became closer. Emmett and Jasper were Edwards best men. Emmett was Edward's brother, and Jasper was Edward's friend and Alice's boyfriend.
%~%
After what Alice said to me that day, I started going out more. It was hard, and I didn't like it one bit, but I put on a brave face. I went out, had on a smile for everyone, laughed with friends, but it wasn't the same. It was like an out of body experience. It felt like a life I didn't want to live. No, it was a life I didn't want to live. I didn't feel like me. I just wanted an out. Being with Edward felt natural, right. Now it feels wrong and awkward, like I don't truly know what to do with myself. When I was by myself, which wasn't very often now, all I could think about was my life and how it was suppose to be.
*~*
"Edward. Edward. Edward," I whispered.
"Hmm?" Was the response I got. Neither of us had class or work that day and we were lying in bed relaxing.
"Do you want kids?" I suddenly asked after a while of silence.
He took a few moments to respond then said quietly, "I suppose so."
We hadn't really talked about future plans like this and I had been wondering for awhile.
"How many do you want?" I whispered again.
"One?" He stated like a question.
"One? You really only want one? Why one?" I questioned.
"Is there a problem with one? I thought it was a good number," he said while stroking my hair.
"But being an only child is not fun. Trust me. You had Emmett and Alice. I had no one. I think three is a good number." I said. Being an only child had its perks, but it got lonely sometimes. I remember always wishing that I had a sibling to play with.
He chuckled after I said this. "It's up to you," he said as he propped himself on his elbow and faced me. " I don't care how many we have as long as they look like you."
I scoffed at that. "Why would they look like me? I want a bronze- haired, green-eyed little boy, just like his daddy."
He laughed again. " As long as I get my mahogany- haired, chocolate brown- eyed girl, as beautiful as her mother."
%~%
I was brought out of my memories when I heard my name being called.
"Bella? Bella Swan? Is that you?" I heard someone ask me. I was at a local coffee shop and I didn't recognize the person at first. "Oh, sorry, I guess it is Bella Cullen now, huh?" The voice sounded familiar.
"Jessica?" I questioned. I hadn't seen her since high school, "Wow, it's good to see you," I said as I gave her a hug.
"I know! It has been way to long! How are things going? I feel like I haven't seen you in ages! Are you still with Edward?" And there it was, not five minutes into the conversation and the dreaded words were there.
"Um, h-haven't you heard?" I asked her, not really wanting to say the words out loud.
"Heard? Heard what? Did you two get a divorce? That is so shocking! It seemed like you were so in love," she blabbed on. I got sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I really didn't feel like having this talk right now, but I had to set her straight.
"N-no, no divorce. About a year and a half ago there was an accident and Edward was hit by a drunk driver and didn't make it." I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could and never have this conversation again.
"Oh, Bella, that it too bad." I could tell she didn't know what to say and wanted to get out of there too as fast as she could. I was surprised she didn't know about the accident. We may be in Seattle now, but we had lived in Forks and there news traveled fast. "So, um, yeah. It was great seeing you Bella. I will talk to you soon." Then she left without another word. I sighed in relief, that was okay. I really didn't want to say anything more. I wanted to jump in my car and drive home as fast as I could.
As I got in my car, I had a weird feeling course through my body, but I ignored it and pulled onto the road. When I was going through the intersection, I heard a loud car honk. I turned to my right and there was a truck coming at me full speed. The last thing I remember was screaming and it all went black.
!~!
"Ah!" I screamed as I flew up into a sitting position in bed. My heart was pounding and my pulse was racing. I looked around the dark room and nothing seemed to be disturbed. I flopped back on the bed feeling exhausted. It was a dream, I didn't know if I was glad or sad. I wasn't dead, but I was still missing Edward.
"Bella?" I heard my name being called. I let out a yelp. No one was suppose to be in my room. I was starting to freak out. "Bella? Are you okay?" The voice questioned. I knew that voice, I could recognize it any where.
"Edward?" I cried out.
He chuckled and said, "Who else Bella?"
"I-I thought you were dead? How are you here right now? Oh my god. Edward?" I cried as I jumped into his arms.
"Dead? Bella? Really? I swear ever since we found out you were pregnant, you have had some odd dreams." Dreams? Pregnant? What? I looked down, sure enough I was at least five months pregnant. "Come on babe, lets go back to sleep. We have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I can not wait to find out what we are having," Edward said as he gently laid me back down. A dream. It was all a dream. I sighed in relief and went back to sleep.
Well, it didn't end bad, did it? I hoped you liked it!