She always claimed to have been a male.
Every time someone asked her out, she would always scoff at them, tell them that she's a male. People got turned off quickly, categorizing that as some weird fetish she has which they didn't want to deal with.
I'm sure, however, that she is a male on the inside. Her eyes, her posture, her attitude, every single time she tells someone. How can no one else see it? She doesn't have some weird fetish ; she really is a male.
Yet, I keep referring to her as a female. It would just feel wrong to call her anything else. She is a Night Watcher after all. A pretty one, at that. The way her long hair plays in the wind, laughing at gravity's futile attempt, just refuses to admit belonging to a male.
She doesn't pay attention to males, unless they are friends. Because of that, people consider her a bisexual. I know better, however ; She wants to be with a girl because she is still a male on the inside.
No matter how many times I hear it, I will not believe. I know that she is not a girl. I completely believe it. There is simply no way that she is a female on the inside.
And that is why I am one of her few male friends.
She acts like a guy, up to the point where she does not care about being naked around me. While it may be awesome for me, as a guy, to see the exterior of a female every morning and night(especially a beauty like her), it still doesn't mean anything between us.
I've gone past caring about appearances. All I can see is swirling lights, instead of people. The swirling lights are emotions. Emotions, that makes an entity able to make decisions. Emotions, it's what allows people to be themselves.
Usually they try to cover up their more embarrassing or sad emotions, but that in itself is caused by emotion.
Back to topic, because I am one of her few male acquaintances, she treasures me more than gold. Every time an argument could possibly pop up, she would do her best to avoid it, up to the point where she would always let me pick which movies we'd watch.
While it's rather peculiar, it's also heartwarming. Knowing that she cares. While our friendship only came to be because I'm not stupid enough to think like the rest, she holds me dearer than just-a-friend.
She always tells me I'm an amazing friend, yet I just spend my time with her like any other friend. Maybe a bit more, considering we're roommates, but still.
I'm not her only male friend, but it still gives a special feeling, you know? Being one of the few. I don't want to brag, but I think I spend more time with her than any of her other friends.
It's only because I know, however, that she is a male, that it works. We're best buddies, and that's all we'll ever be. I'm alright with it, however. She is a guy to me, not a girl.
If I'm really honest, however, I'd have to thank her. As I'm the one she spends most of her time with, the same goes for me. I have other friends, but she's the one that I'm with every single day.
Rumors go around of us being a couple, but it doesn't bother us. We know better. It's more of a compliment than an insult, to be honest. We're very close, like people would be in a relationship. Maybe even closer.
Point is, two days ago someone asked her out. Normally, that would be fine. It would end like any other, but it didn't.
She didn't care. The person who asked her out didn't care that she claimed to be male on the inside. She was surprised, but she rejected her. What troubles me, is that she first looked at me before rejecting her. I saw it in her eyes. It's because of me, that she rejected her.
I feel really guilty. It's like she doesn't want to have a relationship because she doesn't want to push me away. Finally someone who'd go out with her, no matter her condition, and she rejected it. Why? Because of me. She had once told me she liked that girl too.
The guilt is getting to me, because I want her to be happy with someone. I can't be that person. I know she wants to go out with someone. Which guy wouldn't want to eventually get into a relationship? I know she wanted to say yes, but she didn't. She didn't want to make me sad, if she started to spend more time with her girlfriend.
I feel so guilty, if feelings could directly harm, I'd be in a world of pain.
Yesterday.. a girl asked me out. She was with me, too. I tried to reject the girl with soft words, but I ended up making her cry. I felt bad, but what happened after that left me confused.
She got mad at me, told me that I should have accepted it. I would be happy, she said. I would finally go on dates, which I wanted so much, she said. Doesn't she know that I'd feel bad? She didn't get into a relationship because of me, and she expects me to get into one without thinking about her?
I can't do that. I absolutely refuse to. If she's going to be alone because of me, I will not leave her behind. I think she knows how I feel. She definitely knows how I feel, but she wants me to be happy. With someone else.
Someone.. else. That's so foreign. The thought had never entered my mind. Happy with.. someone besides her?
'Maybe that could work. We would both move on with our own life. We would stay friends, definitely..'
No. I know that I didn't want that. I wanted to spend more time with her, not someone else. I've always enjoyed my time together with her. I don't want anyone else. I want to be with her, but not in that way.
Only when she moves on, will I be able to move on.
That is why, up until this day, I am still with her. It's been several years now, but it doesn't feel like much has changed. I still feel the emotions hit my nerve system with a giant impact every time.
I'm glad to have been able to think differently than most people. Thanks to that, I've met one of the most incredible people on earth.