Pairings: Captain Swan; Swan Believer
Rating: T (mentions of suicidal thoughts…)
Genre: One-Shot; CS Deleted Scene (from 5x20)
Summary: Emma Swan has just lost her True Love (again), and doesn't quite know how to process that at all.
Author's Notes: Okay, so I've been re-watching Once this past few weeks and reached 5x20 ("Firebird") today, which is my favourite episode of season five, and one of my favourites of the entire series, and I obviously broke again over the goodbye scene between Emma and Killian. Okay, I managed to hold most of the tears back until he kissed her hand, then I completely broke down and couldn't stop sobbing for a good few hours… Anyway, this is a little angsty fanfic that I had actually had on my mind since I first saw the episode back last year. It's fairly self-explanatory, but it begins halfway through Emma and Killian's goodbyes (ugh, hang on, gimme a second to sob in the corner again…). Enjoy!
Disclaimer:I own nothing. All the rights go to Adam Horowitz, Edward Kitsis, Once Upon a Time, ABC, Disney, etc.
Un-beta'd; all mistakes are mine.
"I love you too."
Then they kissed. Emma couldn't care about the tears that were streaming down her face at this point. All that she could care about was the man on the other side of these damn bars which she wanted to hold and never let go of ever again.
If you were to ask her, Emma Swan wouldn't be able to pin-point the exact moment she truly fell in love with Killian Jones. Perhaps it was when he had told her that he gave up his ship for her. Or the time he promised he would survive for her. Or the time he told her she was his happy ending, that she was the one thing in this life that she had to live for, that she was enough for him. Perhaps it was his preciously adorable deck-hand self in the alternate universe created by the Author.
Not that she could think straight at all. Killian was finishing lowering the gate of the elevator now. She took his good hand in hers while she still could and vowed to never let go, not that it did her much good.
His hand slipped from hers after a few moments. The elevator continued to rise, even as she continued to reach for him, willing the elevator to break, or fall, or something. But it didn't. It went up, and left Killian to an uncertain fate.
In all of her life, Emma Swan had never felt more alone that she did now, standing in this elevator.
Is this what pain really is? she asked herself.
Then it occurred to her that it wasn't. She held up the pouch that still contained her heart. What was it she had been told?
Without one's heart, one's senses and emotions are extremely dulled.
And then she remembered Henry, lying on that hospital bed, pale and lifeless, and she remembered the pain in her chest. That pain wasn't the slight pain of a cramp. No, that pain had been that of a blade driven through her heart and twisted full circle. Emma couldn't feel that pain. Not only had Killian owned her heart, but he owned every part of her, which is why everywhere else hurt.
She pulled her heart out of the bag and stared at it. It looked the same as it had down in the chamber below the library. Emma continued to stare at it, evaluating her options.
She could put it back in her chest now. Emma was certain that that option would result in more pain, and Emma didn't know that she wanted that.
She could put back in the bag, and she could leave the bag in this elevator. She'd never know the true pain of losing the one you truly love. But how would her dulled emotions affect her relationship with her family, her friends?
She could crush it. She could crush her own heart in the palms of her own hand, and be free of it all. But what would that accomplish? She may be able to rid herself of her pain, but what about her family? What about Killian, who had agreed to move on from this place for her, so long as she continued to live as though he were still with her, with her armour off? No, that was the selfish Emma. That was the Emma who only looked out for herself. That was the Emma who arrived in Storybrooke for the first time all that time ago, and that wasn't the Emma that Emma wanted to be. That wasn't the Emma that Emma needed to be anymore.
Her gaze drifted from her heart to her jacket. Her trusty red leather jacket. She remembers buying it in that boutique all those years ago, hoping that it, similarly to how Cleo had used it, could be her armour. But Emma realised now that this jacket wasn't her armour anymore. It hasn't been her armour for a long time now. It's her reminder. To protect those she loves. Whatever happens next, Emma has her family. Emma has Henry. And they will stay with her no matter what.
So, Emma's gaze returned to her as she placed it against the left side of her chest. She took a deep breath and pushed it back into its rightful slot.
After the slight pain of it being slotted back into place passed, she attempted to breathe out, but couldn't.
She couldn't breathe at all.
Her heart hadn't filled the void that she had felt from its absence, it had increased that void infinitely.
And then those emotions that she thought she couldn't feel began to flood in.
This wasn't the same as when Killian had sacrificed himself for her and her family. Even though she had loved him then, Emma could never have been sure that what they shared was True Love. But this time was different. This time she had taken an ancient test to determine her love for Killian.
It's True Love.
The memories she had of him were different now. She could remember butterflies in her stomach, lust in her own eyes being reflected back at her through his own. She could find a thousand times that she wanted to go back and just throw herself at him and kiss him senseless.
Her lack of air was becoming an issue now, but she couldn't do anything about it.
It hurts. God, it hurts.
She placed her hand on the wall of the still-moving elevator to attempt to steady herself.
She hadn't realised it, but she was crying. God, was she crying. Again.
The tears were streaming down her cheeks, off her face, and onto the hard ground, creating a sound that echoed in her ears upon their impact.
She was sobbing too. And then she thought of Henry, and that's what it took for her to fall to the ground. She remembered telling Henry that he had lost Neal. Losing his own father, despite only knowing him a few weeks had caused Henry enough pain. But now, Emma had to tell her son that he had lost another father figure, only this time Henry had known him a lot longer.
She couldn't stop crying. In an effort to attempt to remedy the situation, she placed her hand over her chest, and pressed in, grabbing her heart. She was about to pull it out again when she realised that it wouldn't help. Pulling her heart out now would only postpone her pain, not make it go away.
She attempted to get back onto her feet, failing too many times that Emma would care to admit, but she did it. Emma Swan got back on her feet. She reached down into her core to try to pull those walls up, but couldn't. There were no walls left to pull up.
She closed her eyes and saw Killian Jones. She saw his smile, those crinkles that appeared at his eyes. She saw the lips she'd kissed too many times to count, his tongue running along them, teasing her in a way that only he could. Most of all, she saw the pain in his eyes, and how that pain disappeared, how that pain turned to love. Love for her.
She needed something. Someone. She needed Henry. She needed to hold him.
Almost as though it had been listening, the elevator reached its destination, and Emma wasted no time in pulling the gate back up, and walking straight towards Henry.
"Mom."
"Henry."
It was in this moment of holding onto her son that Emma realised that Killian did not own her heart. Yes, Killian occupied a very, very special place in her heart, but her heart is, and wholeheartedly has been, Henry's.
Emma Swan also realised then that everything would be okay. She had no doubt that she would miss Killian Jones beyond she could ever say, and that she would always, always love him, but Emma had her son, and because of that, everything would be okay.
Everything will be okay.