Title: Nature Trail to Hell! 1/2
Author: Autumn
E-mail: eddievedderismylife@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-EVIL
Summary: Logan, Marie and the X-Men face the most terrifying thing
known to man, (aside from Barbara Walters, and Martha Stewart, and
Regis Philban and the peeps of course).
Archive Rights: Mutual Admiration, WRFA, XMMFFC, etc.
Thanks to Karen for the suggestions and assurance that this isn't
completely stupid.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, or the line I borrowed
from Monty Python.
Author's Notes: This is partially based on a true story. I am quite
opposed to the highly homophobic organization the "Boy Scouts of
America." It's insulting that the last word in their title is
America, which is meant to stand for tolerance and freedom. The BS
(and don't you just love the irony of that abbreviation?) are very
homophobic and intolerant of any religion that falls out of the
Christian domain. I don't feel guilty at all for making them out to
be idiots.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
`Twas a quiet day in Westchester. The bees were buzzing. The
grass was growing; the kids were toking other kinds of grass. The
Wolverine and the Rogue were fu- well doing things that aren't really
printable in a family-friendly story and are still illegal in
Montana.
Anyway, the idealyc atmosphere was interrupted when professor fluffy-
ballerina-man (formerly known as Charles Xavier, but he'd changed his
name due to going loopy with old age) called his X-men to action.
"X-Men, I calleth the to action!" He screamed through his
mind, creating migraine headaches in all of his employees.
Slowly but surely the X-men stumbled into the giant pink tutu that
had until recently been a conference room. Scott, Jean, Logan, Marie,
Remy and Storm all rolled their eyes at the old codger who was
dressed in a pink leotard and hot pink tutu. He looked like the Pink
Panther had mated with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.
" You know Ch-" Jean started.
"It's Fluffy Ballerina Man damnit! Is that so hard to
understand?" The irritated bald man shouted.
"Okay, I just feel a little bit silly calling you that sir"
Jean finished.
"Well, I feel weird calling you "Jean" but I do it anyway. I
expect you to do the same for me." The pink one commanded.
"What the hell's the problem?" A certain Canadian gruffly
inquired.
"X-Men, I need you to go save some people from a horrible,
bad thing."
"But, Magneto's in prison, Mystique's in a traveling circus
and Sabertooth had a lobotomy and writes children's stories now. Who
else is there to defeat?" Rogue asked.
"The BSA you silly, willy, nilly head!" Fluffy-ballerina man
exclaimed.
"The who?" A confused Scott continued.
"The Boy Scouts of America."
"Can't we just let Magneto out of his gerbil cage and go
catch him again instead?" Storm desperately asked.
"To answer that, I shall use American Sign Language" the FBM
dramatically stated.
He crooked his fingers into an 'n' and then an 'o'. Logan
leaned over and whispered in Rogue's ear, "I'll show him some sign
language."
"Now, be gone with you! And bring me back some of those
cookies."
"Um, monsure, the petite flilles do those, not the boys" Remy
interjected.
"GO!" The agitated man yelled at the sextet.
Not wanting to deal with his pinkness anymore, they left the
sickeningly cheery room and headed to the blackbird, which was now
also a bright shade of pink, as were the formerly black uniforms.
Rogue had repainted her uniform a lovely shade of green. Logan of
course had spray painted his a far more manly color- brown.
"Heh, Scooter looks like the spokesman for the gay straight
alliance!" Logan said in regards to the pink clad leader.
"Better than looking like a giant walking turd." Then again,
you look like that all the time no matter what you wear Logan." Scott
shot back.
Logan flipped him the middle claw and stalked past Scott to
board the plane. As he reached Scott, he slapped him upside the head.
"Logan!" Jean reprimanded.
"What? My hand slipped." Logan said with mock innocence or
Logan said, feigning innocence.
The rest of the team boarded the plane and took their
respective seats. Scott and Storm took the piglet and co-piglet
seats. Remy and Jean sat behind them, and on the floor in the back of
the plane sat Logan with Rogue in his lap. Ever since the plane had
had an interior redecoration of pink leather, the pair refused to sit
in their assigned seats. They claimed the color gave them nightmares.
Earlier that day in Montana....
The Snow bank Jamboree was well under way. Boy scouts from
Idaho, Washington, Montana, and Oregon had traveled to western
Montana to participate in the premiere event of the scouting year.
Camping in the woods in the dead of winter in freezing conditions. Oh
joy. The boys and their troup leaders were gathering together at the
huge fire pit that had been dug earlier in the day when a powerful
and feared figure loomed over them- THE SCOUTMASTER!!!! He was known
through out the land and regarded as the most important and awe-
inspiring man in the completely hetero organization.
The aforementioned manly, man (but not too manly) strode to
the makeshift stage and picked up the microphone. He tilted his head
just so and began to speak. "Scouts, leaders, board members. There is
an evil here among us. Someone out there has been spreading this" he
said as he held up a copy of the book 'Why can't Billy and Timmy be
Good Friends?'
"As I'm sure you all know, this is listed as a code 33A in
the Scouting handbook. You know what that all means." He continued
bravely.
"No, sir I don't." A little boy in the back shouted out.
"Well son, it means that this here book obviously points to
faggotry, fairyism, and general gayness. Its one of the homosexual
tools they use to recruit weak-willed young men." The Scoutmaster
finished.
Just them a lone tree swayed in the forest, and the snap of a
stick was heard. It was followed by a terrifying scream. The brave
Scoutmaster stood still and commanded the local troup leader to
investigate. About thirty-seconds later he returned, his face pale
and his knees shaking.
"Well Johnson, what is it?" The authorative one spake.
"It's Newell sir, he's uh dead. His badge was ripped off and
his neck was broken." Johnson replied.
"Who the hell would kill a troup leader! It's unimaginable
and evil. Must have been one of those right-wing fruitcakes." The
wise one concluded.
"Johnson we're going to get to the bottom of this. We have to
show these scouts that no fudgepacker is going to kill one of our
righteous and get away with it!" The Scoutmaster again stated.
In the Pink/Blackbird.....
"Who the hell cares if some stupid ass troup leader bit it?"
Logan growled angered at the stupid mission they were embarking on.
"Logan, who cares what we're doing as long as we get away
from Professor Tuti-fruity!" Jean exclaimed.
"Yes, his obsession with the color pink is muy-annoying no?"
Remy interjected.
"Will someone please think of the children!" Storm suddenly
shouted, "They are in great peril!"
"How perilous is the peril?" Scott nervously asked.
"I don't know, you're the team leader, you tell me" the
Goddess stated.
"Oh, right, let me look that up in my handbook." Scott said
as he whipped out his copy of the Eagle Scout Handy-Dandy
Everything's Cool Handbook.
The rest of the team just stared at him. Rogue gave him an
incredulous look and fixed him with a deadly stare. " Scott, you
know how I feel about boy scouts. I am going to give you three
seconds to jump out of this plane, and then I am going to throw you
out."
Scott didn't need to be told twice. He grabbed his pink
parachute, strapped it on and jumped out of the plane. Logan looked
at Rogue with a mixture of lust, happiness and yeah lust. He jumped
her and they quickly got down to doing the dirty deed, again.
Jean simply looked back and rolled her eyes at the
pair. "That's what, the third time they've done that on a mission?
They need to get their priorities sorted out."
Storm just nodded at the comment as she expertly brought the
Pinkbird down onto the snowy field in Montana. The team untapped
themselves from their seats and waited a little less than patiently
for Logan and Rogue to er-finish their pre-battle warm-up and dress
in their altered uniforms. The team stepped out of the plane and
found themselves surrounded by miniature soldiers in tan shirts and
red kerchiefs.
"Oh shit" Logan said as the scouts advanced on the five X-
Men. It was then that they spotted a pink spot in the sea of beige.
"Great Scott!" The five X-Men shouted together as their
formerly fearless leader stepped forward from the
Scouts.....................
To be Continued.....
------------------------------------------------------------------
No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition! -Monty Python
Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots? -Dr. Evil
Author: Autumn
E-mail: eddievedderismylife@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-EVIL
Summary: Logan, Marie and the X-Men face the most terrifying thing
known to man, (aside from Barbara Walters, and Martha Stewart, and
Regis Philban and the peeps of course).
Archive Rights: Mutual Admiration, WRFA, XMMFFC, etc.
Thanks to Karen for the suggestions and assurance that this isn't
completely stupid.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, or the line I borrowed
from Monty Python.
Author's Notes: This is partially based on a true story. I am quite
opposed to the highly homophobic organization the "Boy Scouts of
America." It's insulting that the last word in their title is
America, which is meant to stand for tolerance and freedom. The BS
(and don't you just love the irony of that abbreviation?) are very
homophobic and intolerant of any religion that falls out of the
Christian domain. I don't feel guilty at all for making them out to
be idiots.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
`Twas a quiet day in Westchester. The bees were buzzing. The
grass was growing; the kids were toking other kinds of grass. The
Wolverine and the Rogue were fu- well doing things that aren't really
printable in a family-friendly story and are still illegal in
Montana.
Anyway, the idealyc atmosphere was interrupted when professor fluffy-
ballerina-man (formerly known as Charles Xavier, but he'd changed his
name due to going loopy with old age) called his X-men to action.
"X-Men, I calleth the to action!" He screamed through his
mind, creating migraine headaches in all of his employees.
Slowly but surely the X-men stumbled into the giant pink tutu that
had until recently been a conference room. Scott, Jean, Logan, Marie,
Remy and Storm all rolled their eyes at the old codger who was
dressed in a pink leotard and hot pink tutu. He looked like the Pink
Panther had mated with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.
" You know Ch-" Jean started.
"It's Fluffy Ballerina Man damnit! Is that so hard to
understand?" The irritated bald man shouted.
"Okay, I just feel a little bit silly calling you that sir"
Jean finished.
"Well, I feel weird calling you "Jean" but I do it anyway. I
expect you to do the same for me." The pink one commanded.
"What the hell's the problem?" A certain Canadian gruffly
inquired.
"X-Men, I need you to go save some people from a horrible,
bad thing."
"But, Magneto's in prison, Mystique's in a traveling circus
and Sabertooth had a lobotomy and writes children's stories now. Who
else is there to defeat?" Rogue asked.
"The BSA you silly, willy, nilly head!" Fluffy-ballerina man
exclaimed.
"The who?" A confused Scott continued.
"The Boy Scouts of America."
"Can't we just let Magneto out of his gerbil cage and go
catch him again instead?" Storm desperately asked.
"To answer that, I shall use American Sign Language" the FBM
dramatically stated.
He crooked his fingers into an 'n' and then an 'o'. Logan
leaned over and whispered in Rogue's ear, "I'll show him some sign
language."
"Now, be gone with you! And bring me back some of those
cookies."
"Um, monsure, the petite flilles do those, not the boys" Remy
interjected.
"GO!" The agitated man yelled at the sextet.
Not wanting to deal with his pinkness anymore, they left the
sickeningly cheery room and headed to the blackbird, which was now
also a bright shade of pink, as were the formerly black uniforms.
Rogue had repainted her uniform a lovely shade of green. Logan of
course had spray painted his a far more manly color- brown.
"Heh, Scooter looks like the spokesman for the gay straight
alliance!" Logan said in regards to the pink clad leader.
"Better than looking like a giant walking turd." Then again,
you look like that all the time no matter what you wear Logan." Scott
shot back.
Logan flipped him the middle claw and stalked past Scott to
board the plane. As he reached Scott, he slapped him upside the head.
"Logan!" Jean reprimanded.
"What? My hand slipped." Logan said with mock innocence or
Logan said, feigning innocence.
The rest of the team boarded the plane and took their
respective seats. Scott and Storm took the piglet and co-piglet
seats. Remy and Jean sat behind them, and on the floor in the back of
the plane sat Logan with Rogue in his lap. Ever since the plane had
had an interior redecoration of pink leather, the pair refused to sit
in their assigned seats. They claimed the color gave them nightmares.
Earlier that day in Montana....
The Snow bank Jamboree was well under way. Boy scouts from
Idaho, Washington, Montana, and Oregon had traveled to western
Montana to participate in the premiere event of the scouting year.
Camping in the woods in the dead of winter in freezing conditions. Oh
joy. The boys and their troup leaders were gathering together at the
huge fire pit that had been dug earlier in the day when a powerful
and feared figure loomed over them- THE SCOUTMASTER!!!! He was known
through out the land and regarded as the most important and awe-
inspiring man in the completely hetero organization.
The aforementioned manly, man (but not too manly) strode to
the makeshift stage and picked up the microphone. He tilted his head
just so and began to speak. "Scouts, leaders, board members. There is
an evil here among us. Someone out there has been spreading this" he
said as he held up a copy of the book 'Why can't Billy and Timmy be
Good Friends?'
"As I'm sure you all know, this is listed as a code 33A in
the Scouting handbook. You know what that all means." He continued
bravely.
"No, sir I don't." A little boy in the back shouted out.
"Well son, it means that this here book obviously points to
faggotry, fairyism, and general gayness. Its one of the homosexual
tools they use to recruit weak-willed young men." The Scoutmaster
finished.
Just them a lone tree swayed in the forest, and the snap of a
stick was heard. It was followed by a terrifying scream. The brave
Scoutmaster stood still and commanded the local troup leader to
investigate. About thirty-seconds later he returned, his face pale
and his knees shaking.
"Well Johnson, what is it?" The authorative one spake.
"It's Newell sir, he's uh dead. His badge was ripped off and
his neck was broken." Johnson replied.
"Who the hell would kill a troup leader! It's unimaginable
and evil. Must have been one of those right-wing fruitcakes." The
wise one concluded.
"Johnson we're going to get to the bottom of this. We have to
show these scouts that no fudgepacker is going to kill one of our
righteous and get away with it!" The Scoutmaster again stated.
In the Pink/Blackbird.....
"Who the hell cares if some stupid ass troup leader bit it?"
Logan growled angered at the stupid mission they were embarking on.
"Logan, who cares what we're doing as long as we get away
from Professor Tuti-fruity!" Jean exclaimed.
"Yes, his obsession with the color pink is muy-annoying no?"
Remy interjected.
"Will someone please think of the children!" Storm suddenly
shouted, "They are in great peril!"
"How perilous is the peril?" Scott nervously asked.
"I don't know, you're the team leader, you tell me" the
Goddess stated.
"Oh, right, let me look that up in my handbook." Scott said
as he whipped out his copy of the Eagle Scout Handy-Dandy
Everything's Cool Handbook.
The rest of the team just stared at him. Rogue gave him an
incredulous look and fixed him with a deadly stare. " Scott, you
know how I feel about boy scouts. I am going to give you three
seconds to jump out of this plane, and then I am going to throw you
out."
Scott didn't need to be told twice. He grabbed his pink
parachute, strapped it on and jumped out of the plane. Logan looked
at Rogue with a mixture of lust, happiness and yeah lust. He jumped
her and they quickly got down to doing the dirty deed, again.
Jean simply looked back and rolled her eyes at the
pair. "That's what, the third time they've done that on a mission?
They need to get their priorities sorted out."
Storm just nodded at the comment as she expertly brought the
Pinkbird down onto the snowy field in Montana. The team untapped
themselves from their seats and waited a little less than patiently
for Logan and Rogue to er-finish their pre-battle warm-up and dress
in their altered uniforms. The team stepped out of the plane and
found themselves surrounded by miniature soldiers in tan shirts and
red kerchiefs.
"Oh shit" Logan said as the scouts advanced on the five X-
Men. It was then that they spotted a pink spot in the sea of beige.
"Great Scott!" The five X-Men shouted together as their
formerly fearless leader stepped forward from the
Scouts.....................
To be Continued.....
------------------------------------------------------------------
No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition! -Monty Python
Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots? -Dr. Evil