These past few months had brought about so much change in your life. Sitting in your temporary office between patients, your mind began to wander as you looked out your window at the snow falling. You smiled as you thought about how far you had come. From Chicago to Baltimore.
Not long ago, in Chicago, you were working at a practice with several therapists, saving up to branch out on your own. You were married to a surgeon, Marcus, whom you thought you would one day have children with, grow old with. And things were good for the first few years.
After your 5th wedding anniversary, Marcus introduced you to Diane, the head of the practice you would soon join. She was an old friend of his, and became one of yours as well.
Or so you had thought.
One night when you went out to dinner with one of your girlfriends, who was in town for the weekend while your husband was away on a conference. On your way back from the ladies room at dinner, you saw Diane. You were happy to see her, wanting to introduce her to your friend. You were about to walk up to her but stopped cold as you saw Marcus. Had he come home early? Was this a surprise from the two of them? You were ever the optimist. You smiled, remembering that you mentioned to Marcus that she would be visiting, but how did he know you planned on dinner here?
You were surprised indeed when you saw them kissing. One of the worst feelings you ever experienced in your life. You and Marcus had been a little distant from each other lately, but you never would have suspected this. You feigned illness, going home, so upset by what you saw. You felt as though he had taken out your still beating heart and ripped it apart before your eyes. It was a moment in your life you would never forget.
You weren't sure what to do after that. Wait until he came home to confront him, or call him and scream at him. You wanted to cry and scream at the same time, angry at yourself for being so blind, and so hurt for what he had done. You decided on the latter, waiting, stewing in your anger at home. You thought you would scream when you saw him, but you burst into tears, asking why. Why had he done this?
Marcus denied it at first, but you told him you called the supposed venue for the conference, and there was no such thing going on this weekend. And that you had seen him with Diane. After finally admitting it, he promised it was a mistake. It would never happen again, he assured you. You tried as hard as you could to forgive him. You didn't want to throw away the world you worked so hard to create.
And you were afraid. As you thought back on it, you felt cowardly. Too afraid to be alone in your grief. Simply carrying on was easier.
There were more highs and lows in the following months. Your husband promised he would never see Diane again. You resigned from your practice, after confronting Diane as well. You wanted nothing further to do with her. You would find another practice. Your husband was more important. You put yourself second, trying to make it work.
Then, six months later, you found a hotel receipt among his dirty laundry. You felt like your heart stopped when you found it. This couldn't be happening again, you thought to yourself, hands shaking. Marcus wouldn't hurt me like this again. You meant more to him than that. The two of you had gone to counseling and it seemed like things were getting better.
Again, you felt anger and sadness fighting within you. Anger took over, and you confronted him. Marcus floundered when you confronted him-he claimed it was from before. You might've believed that, but the receipt was from the last month.
"Do you think I'm stupid?" you had screeched.
Finally he broke down after you had screamed at each other for what felt like days, and admitted that the affair had continued.
He begged you to say stay, saying it meant nothing, that you were the one he loved. You'd wept, your heart breaking again. You had let it happen AGAIN.
Still, you had been scared to leave him, even though you promised yourself you would if he did this again. Still, you feared the emptiness you would feel. So the cycle continued, you both resumed counseling again, but this time, you didn't seem able to hide from the fact that you were miserable. Marcus had broken your trust and this time it was unfixable. You had given him far too many chances and you were disgusted with yourself.
You moved out a month later, filing for divorce. It hit you then, having realized you were single again for the first time in nearly a decade. You cried so hard nights you thought you might drown. Your eyes had been sore from wiping your tears. It felt like that was what you did most days. You doubted yourself constantly. Maybe you should have just stayed. Anything would have been better than that hollow, frightened feeling, that made you wish you could go to sleep and never wake again.
Needing to escape, you decided to move to Baltimore, where your cousin Lisa lived. Lisa offered her spare room until you could find a place of your own. This way, at least, you wouldn't be totally alone. As it was, it felt like the bulk of your time had been spent with your husband before your divorce anyway, when not at work. You had had a few mutual friends but you had let him become your world.
When things didn't work out, however, your world crumbled. Your husband had broken your heart after standing by him for seven years through good times and bad. What a waste of time.
Now you were working at the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane. You were subbing for another therapist there who was on maternity leave at the hospital a few weeks ago. You still had to find something permanent but it was a start. A start over, which didn't seem fair as you had done nothing wrong. You hadn't knocked your marriage, your career and life off the rails.