Title: Silences
Author: Harper's Pixie
Summary: It's never the words that hurt or the actions that damage; sometimes, all it takes is silence to break a person.
Rating: T
Pairing McShep
A/N: Sequel to Bleeding Hearts and Wishes and this won't make very much sense if you've not read the other. But please read both and read and review.
It's never the words that hurt or the actions that damage; sometimes, all it takes is silence to break a person.
They've been outside the infirmary doors for three hours now. He's leaning against the wall directly in front of the doors. He knows they are all staring at him, at the dried blood on his hands and clothes.
The silence is driving him mad.
Why isn't anyone talking? Why won't they stop staring at me? He thinks as he stares at the doors in front of him.
Their mournful looks are burning holes through him, breaking down what little emotional wall he has left.
They blame me. That's why they aren't talking to me. They know McKay's in there because of me. Don't they know that I already blame myself; already know it's my fault that...
His mind wonders as he begins to rub his hands together desperate to remove the evidence of his mistake. It won't come off; only seems to spread more as though it's mocking him. The mix of blood and dirt on his hands only add to the taunts slowly growing in his head.
"Your fault….you killed him….just like all the others, Rodney's dead because of you," echo in his mind and no one around him will help save him from himself. Their looks are only adding more coal to the fire raging within him.
His hands were beginning to hurt as his nails dig deeper trying to remove the blood, the memories, and the guilt. Soon his own blood would mingle with Rodney's.
He tears his eyes away from his hands and forces himself to face the ones around him
Ronon and Teyla are sitting on either side of the infirmary doors. They both have their arms crossed across their chest. They are waiting for news just like the others but to John they are protecting Rodney from him. His eyes connect with theirs for only a moment. Their gazes hold so much grief. He looks to Elizabeth only to find the same look in her eyes.
And then he knows.
They aren't blaming him, at least not anymore. Now they're in mourning. They've already written Rodney off for dead.
"For the love of God will someone say something? Anything?" John yells causing everyone except Ronon to jump.
John runs a shaking hand through his hair before staring at it again. He hadn't realized he was shaking. The skin cleansed of the blood and dirt is now puffy and raw.
Still he is surrounded by silence.
He looks up again and they are all still staring at him only this time their looks aren't full of accusation or grief. They are full of pity. They know he's breaking, they can see his hands shaking. He clenches his fists tight to stop the shaking. He starts to talk but is interrupted by the whooshing of the infirmary doors opening.
Carson walks out, his scrubs covered in blood. He sighs exhausted and John's heart drops immediately fearing the worst.
"I won't lie to you, it was touch and go there for a minute. He even flat lined once but we were able to revive him. I think we fixed the damage and he's stable."
"So he's ok, he'll survive?" John asks nervously.
Carson looks at him for a moment before his expression changes as though something's just dawned on him and John knows he hasn't hidden his feelings for Rodney entirely.
"Yes, John, he'll survive."
With that John nods and before he can hear anything else, runs away from the oncoming silence.
John is running once more. Only this time he isn't running away or to anything. He's just running. It's been three weeks since he ran away from infirmary and from Rodney and he's not been back since.
It isn't that he doesn't want to see Rodney, everything in his being wants to see Rodney, be with Rodney but he is so afraid of the silence. He still can't get that voice in his head to stop. It still told him this is entirely his fault and Rodney won't want him. So instead of being a decent friend he's chosen to avoid the infirmary at all costs…..to avoid Rodney at all costs.
Only today, he wouldn't be able to any longer. He knows Rodney was being released today, hence why he is running longer than usual. Exhausted he finally makes it back to his quarters. What he finds as he walks in nearly causes him to run again.
Sitting on his bed is Rodney looking just like he did before all this started. He crosses his arms across his chest, looks up at John smugly and asks, "So, I hear you've been hiding something and I think it's time you spill, hmm?"
Johns stomach flip flops as he gapes at Rodney. He swallows and decides that it's now or never.
"I've not been hiding anything from you, Rodney. I've tried for months to show you. You've just been too busy to see all my hints. You're so damn exhausting, Rodney, do you know that?"
Rodney starts to reply but John holds up his hand to stop him, "No, I need to finish. You're exhausting. I told you this before but you were kinda unconscious so you couldn't hear me but I think you deserve to hear it. You're loud and obnoxious and self centered and have an ego bigger than the entire Pegasus and Milky Way galaxies combined but to me you're perfect."
Rodney's mouth drops open.
"Oh wow, I've made you speechless and that's either a really good thing or a really bad thing so I'll keep going. Rodney I know I'm not really one to express myself and I know that everyone here sees me as the Captain Kirk of the expedition but it's not true."
Rodney scoffs and John sighs. "Rodney whether or not you believe me doesn't matter to me as long as you believe this: I love you. I've loved you since the day you forced me to stay in that damn chair in Antarctica. I love your ego, your smart ass comments, everything about you and I have been trying for the past two months to give you hints, anything so you'd know. No matter how many hints I gave you never figured it out. Hell! Carson even figured it out and I didn't even hint to him. Then you get hurt because of my stupid mistake and you died on me Rodney. You died because of my stupid need to show you that I cared. You really don't know how much my heart broke when you stopped breathing. It felt like I'd lost a piece of my soul. You came back though. I knew you were too stubborn to die like that. You came back and I ran away. I was so afraid that you'd blame me for everything and I'd never get to tell you all of this. But now I've said what I've been trying to say for a very long time."
He stops and runs his fingers through his hair again, making it look wilder than before. He looks at Rodney, his heart pounding in his chest so loud he can hear it in his ears.
"So, what do you say?" John asks.
Rodney looks up at him, once more with a shocked look on his face. He clears his throat, "Umm, Ronon said you had chocolate."
At that moment John's pretty sure his stomach has just dropped to his feet. He covers his face, "Oh good God," he moans as it hits him. Rodney hadn't come for a love confession. He'd come in hopes of getting the chocolate, chocolate John had wanted to get so badly for him.
"I-I think it's best if I leave now," John says as he prepares himself for another run.
"Stop!" he hears Rodney but doesn't turn to face him.
John feels a hand on his arm and Rodney turns him around. John tries to explain, "Look, Rodney I'm sorry, I don't have any chocolate. I thought you were here for-"
"John shut up, ok, because I know something that's better than chocolate," Rodney interrupts before pulling John in for a kiss.
John moans as they kiss, as Rodney pushes him against the door he'd planned on running through. Rodney's hands go to the back of John's head fingers intertwining in unruly hair. John wraps his arms around Rodney, his hands running over strong shoulders and down to Rodney's hips.
Rodney pulls away, breathing hard. He smiles, "Well, you stink and I'm hungry so how about you shower, we get something to eat, and later I show you something that's better than ferris wheels?"
John smiles "Can't wait."
The end