"Shhh, not so loud!" Gimli hissed to the hobbits behind him.

Legolas shook his head. "I hope for all of your sakes that a wizard's

hearing is not as keen as an elf's...and that Gandalf does not punish you

too severely."

Frodo paused behind them. "He's right, maybe we should not go on. Maybe

Gandalf already knows our plot...maybe he is awake right now!"

Merry covered his mouth. "Frodo, where is your bravery?" Frodo mumbled

something beneath Merry's hand. "What?" Frodo mumbled again. "I don't

understand you!" Merry cried.

"Well, maybe you should uncover his mouth then." Pippin suggested, Merry

grinned sheepishly and uncovered Frodo's mouth.

"I said I lost it in Mordor!" Frodo huffed turning around. "And I'm

leaving!"

Merry and Pippin dragged him back. "No, don't go!" Pippin cried. "Don't you

want to see what a wizard's home looks like?"

"Well, yes I do..." Frodo mused. "But why don't we just *ask* Gandalf?"

Gimli snorted. "What? For some tea and cakes and a tour of this forbidden

place?Actually," He paused thoughtfully. "it does sound much easier."

Legolas rolled his eyes. "Well, yeah, but that defeats the author's

purpose."

"Author?" Merry asked.

"Yeah, the retarded chick that's writing this...Look, I don't have time to

get in all the details, besides, it's much more exciting to enter one's

house without permission." Legolas explained, the others voiced their

agreement. They tiptoed across the lawn, they neared the front door when

Gimli let out a shriek and everyone noticed a loud crack. "Gimli?" Legolas

asked. "What have you done?"

"There was a watchman making a mockery of my kindred!" Gimli replied

angrily. "I chopped him in half but he did not bleed!"

Legolas looked where Gimli pointed. "Gimli..."

"What?"

"That was a lawn gnome." Legolas replied.

"Oh. Well......let's carry on then." Gimli said, they stood in front of the

door thoughtfully. "How should we open this?"

"Well, we can always ring the doorbell." Frodo suggested, everyone threw him

an annoyed look. "I know, I know, it defeats the purpose. Ok, so how are we

getting in?"

Pippin's eyes brightened. "Why doesn't one of us go through the window?"

"And if they are locked?" Legolas asked.

"Then through the chimney!" Pippin said, pride shining through his little

hobbit eyes.

"And if a fire is lit?" Legolas asked again.

"Then we shall have to pick the lock." Pippin proposed, less

enthusiastically. Wishing that Legolas would just accept his ideas.

"What if he has one of those dead bolt locks...or a chain lock?" Legolas

asked to Pippin's annoyance.

Pippin threw up his hands. "Well, then I do not know!" He glared at the elf.

"Let's try the window plan, shall we? Ok, who will go in?" Everyone remained

silent. "Well, I can not go...it was my plan and I am greatly needed to see

how this would fair out. From a distance."

"Well, I am too tall...and what if i bruise? Or what if my long Pantened

locks get tangled?" Legolas whined.

"I AM TOO LOUD!" Gimli shouted as if trying to prove his point.

Merry and Frodo stared at each other, then Merry said. "I am a Brandybuck."

Frodo frowned. "So?"

So...I am....uhhh...more important than you." Merry stated slowly.

"He's right, you know." chimed in Pippin.

Frodo sighed. "Very well, then...lift me up." Merry and Pippin allowed Frodo

to stand on their hands and they boosted him up to the window. Frodo pushed

the window open and tumbled - very ungracefully- inside. Legolas, Gimli and

the two hobbits whinced as they heard numerous loud 'bangs' and 'clangs' and

crashed come from inside. All was silent, Legolas whispered. "I think

Gandalf got him."

The front door creaked open slowly, Legolas nudged Gimli forward. "Go,

Master Dwarf."

"Me?!" Gimli cried. "Why not the halflings?"

"Because, dear Gimli, if you want to be in my favour you shall prove

yourself worthy." Legolas replied, looking at him expectantly.

Gimli mumbled something under his breath and inched slowly towards the door.

He nudged it open wider with his axe, then slowly he slipped inside.

Proudly, he swung the door wide open for the three outside to see but before

he could bask in his glory. the door swung off its hinges and fell with a

loud crash.

"This.Is.Not.Going.Well." Merry whinced, walking towards the now open

door way.

Frodo bit his lip. "Gimli, that was rather dwarvish of you..."

Gimli whirled around. "Well, aren't we the intelligent one? In case you have

not noticed...I AM A DWARF!"

Legolas pushed past Gimli. "Gimli...that was utterly careless of you. You

have not won my favour."

Gimli stomped his foot and swore, angrily he shoved Frodo into a nearby

'wall'. However, the 'wall' wasn't a 'wall' it was a bookcase and it toppled

over underneath Frodo's weight.

"Why not march up the stairs blaring a trumpet?!" Merry cried, Pippin shook

his head.

Frodo got up dusting himself off. "Gandalf could sure use some cleaning up."

He mused as he began to join the others, to his surprise something reached

out and grabbed his cloak, lifting him high into the air.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! put me do-!" He began to scream but a warm hand

clamped over his mouth.

"Frodo....what are you doing here?" A familiar deep voice asked, it was

Strider. Frodo mumbled someting beneath his hand. "What?" Strider asked,

Frodo repeated himself. "I don't understand..."

"Remove your hand, Strider." Pippin pointed out, sighing. "This has really

frightenened me, that I have been the brains in this operation."

"I said, Strider, that they made me come here...to look at Gandalf's house."

Frodo said, Strider put him down.

"And none of you invited me?" He asked looking slightly hurt.

"Well, I don't have your number." Gimli stated weakly.

"My phone was disconnected." Legolas lied.

"I told Pippin too!" Merry cried.

Pippin paled. "I told Frodo!"

"And I told Sam!" Frodo squealed quickly.

"And what are you doing here anyway?" Gimli arched a brow.

"Well...I...ummm.." Strider tried to think of an excuse. "..uh, well..Arwen

sent me."

Legolas giggled. "Arwen's bitch."

"Am not!" Strider protested.

"Are too!" Legolas argued.

"Am not!" Strider growled, anger making the ranger's eyes glow.

"You are Arwen's bitch boi, you are Arwen's bitch boi!" Legolas taunted in a

singsong voice.

Strider growled and lunged for the pretty elf, causing them both to topple

onto a tabletop of really cool wizardly stuff. The bottled crashed to the

floor and shattered into millions of itsy bitsy pieces that eahc made a huge

disturbingly loud noise. Pippin sucked in a breath. "Good job."

Frodo's brow furrowed. "Guys...do you think Gandalf is even home?"

"Um, well his horse is outside." Gimli said lamley, as if this factor alone

explained everything.

"But, I would've awakened by now-with all the noise we're making." Frodo

continued thoughtfully.

Legolas groaned from underneath Strider. "Please, get off of me."

"I can't-" Strider said weakly.

"Get off!" Legolas screamed, trying to shove Strider off of him.

"My back gave!" Strider whimpered.

"SOMEONE GET THIS SMELLY HUMAN OFF OF ME!" Legolas screamed.

Merry and Pippin shoved Frodo forward, reluctantly Frodo tugged on Strider's

legs. Strider finally eased off of Legolas and fell backwards, onto the hard

floor- and right on top of Frodo. Merry and Pippin covered their eyes,

feeling Frodo's pain. Strider smiled. "My back is good now." He exclaimed

standing up.

"Are you alright, Frodo?" asked Pippin.

"My legs.....are they still there?" Frodo gasped.

"Yes, they are." Merry said. "Now get up, we have much exploring to do."

The group looked around and to their disappointment nothing was out of the

ordinary. They walked upstairs and Gimli noticed a door that was sealed off

with yellow police tape. "What say you, friends? Cross or stay?"

"Cross!" Legolas,Merry, Pippin, and Strider cried.

"Stay." Frodo squeaked.

Gimli ripped off the police tape and stepped into the room, when all saw he

had not turned into a strange creature, they followed.

"Oh, look!" Merry cried. "He has a Harry Potter collection!" He ran off to

that side of the room.

"And Star Wars!" Pippin shrieked, grabbing a Darth Vader and Princess Leia

figurine and joing Merry. "So, we meet again, Potter." He cried in an overly

exaggerated, deep and evil voice. Then he moved the Princess figurine and in

an annoying high pitched girly voice said. "Oh, Harry, save me! Save me!"

"You won't get away with this Vader!" Merry yelled. The two proceeded to

make sorcery and sword fighting sounds while smashing the figurines into one

another.

Pippin pulled Darth away and breathed. "Harry, I have something to tell

you."

"Yes?"

"Harry," Long silence. "I am your father."

Gimli looked away. "Fools, the both of them ...hullo, what's this?" He waved

Strider over to him, Strider looked at the videotapes laid out before thme

and burst into laughter.

Legolas arched a brow. "What's so funny?" he asked.

Strider pointed to the videos. "You'll never believe what Gandalf watches."

He laughed again. "Wet N' Wild Orcs, Saruman Does South Gondor, Hot N' Horny

Hobbits, Eating At Elrond's -hey..Eating At Elrond's?!" He pushes the tape

in the VCR expecting to Arwen to be-er,-the main course so to speak, he gets

an unexpected surprise. Strider's mouth drops open. "Oh my GOD! What in the

HELL is he doing to Elrond?!" He screamed.

Legolas snickered. "My dear little ranger, the title is 'Eating At

Elrond's'..I'd say he is eating."

Strider covered his eyes. "Gah! Turn it off! TURN IT OFF! I can't watch

anymore!"

Gimli tilted his head studying the scene before him. "Do elves really like

that?"

"Shut up, Gimli...the wyas of the elves shall not be revealed to you."

Legolas snapped.

"Is it off?" Strider asked, he peeked through his fingers.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO IT ISN'T OFF! Turn it off!"

Legolas and Gimli ignored him and continued to watch. "Hey, Frodo- take at

look at this." Legolas called. "Frodo?" He looked around. "Frodo? Where are

you?"

"Right here." came the wizard's elderly voice. All eyes turned to face him,

Merry and Pippin dropped their action figures while Strider blindly tried to

turn the video off. Frodo was dangling by the collar in Gandalf's grip.

"Meriadoc Brandybuck..Peragrin Took, Gimli son of Gloin, Legolas Greenleaf,

and you too, Elessar... all have trespassed in my home, forbidden to all

those uninvited." He shook his head, out Frodo down and crossed his arms.

"You all have meddled in the affairs of a wizard...now be prepared for a

suitable punishment."

Strider fell to the ground, still covering his eyes in shock and horror,

Gandalf's attention was brought to the TV. "I see you've been enjoying my

videos as well as my collections." His eyes wandered to Merry and Pippin.

"Gandalf...this, uh, isn't what you think.." Legolas muttered.

"Really?" Gandalf arched a brows. "So, you've destroyed a lawn gnome,

crawled through a window, broke my door, knocked over a bookcase, broke my

testing bottles, played with my movie collection and watched my porn for a

reason other than, and I quote, 'to see what a wizard's home looks like'?"

More silence, then Strider squeaked. "Arwen sent me."

"Really, Elessar?" Gandalf asked. "Did she? And for what? A recipe for tea?

Perhaps a potion to cure her husband's foolishness? No, I think not..you

came here for another reason...and that reason is?"

Strider remained silent. "I onlt sought an anti-love potion. Arwen is great,

but there are only so many times one can watch 'Steel Magnolias' and

'Titanic' without wanting to retch. And she always wants me to be romantic

and charming and she wants me to put the toliet seat down- and eat her damn

homecooked meals and let's face it the girl can't cook!" Strider's voice

raised. "And when i want to fuck I must refer to it as 'making love' and

then she tells me 'I have a headache', or 'I don't feel good' and I can't

fucking stand the way she BREATHES!"

Everyone stared at him. "Whoa," Legolas finally said. "That was deep."

"Touching," Gandalf said, still pissed. "however, you will all be punished

nonetheless and I think I've devised the perfect punishment."

/The Next Day/

"Oh, Gandalf, you are too kind to me." Saruman purred as Merry and Pippin

gave him a pedicure.

"But of course my dear, anything for you." Gandalf replied sweetly.

Legolas glared at him, pausing from brushing Saruman's hair. "Gandalf, when

is the last time Saruman had his hair conditoned?"

"Since he was presumed dead." Gandalf replied, watching Frodo as he gave

Saruman his manicure. "Make them sharp, Frodo, but not too sharp.." He

turned away satisfied with their work and walked over to his camera.

"Elrond, are you ready?"

Elrond threw off his robe and laid on the bed. "Yes,I'm ready. Although, I'm

slightly peeved..."

"Don't be ...your payment shall be Galadriel's ring.." Elrond's eyes

immediately brightened. "Now, come out, Elessar....time for your big break."

Strider reluctantly walked towards Elrond, whimpering he turned to Gandalf.

"Must I?"

Gandalf smiled. "Payback's a bitch my dear, and we needed a sequel to eating

at Elrond's. Now we have it, Eating At Elrond's 2:  THe King Eats Out."

Strider held back a sob as Gandalf grinned. "Lights, camera, action!"

END