More Than Yesterday

by Crystalkei

What if Reynolds was the mole? Maddy's heartbreaking realization and what she does about it.

Title: More Than Yesterday
Character/Pairing: Maddy/Reynolds
Word Count: 5328
Rating: PG-13
Spoiler alert: Everything aired but nothing really alluded to.
Summary: The theories that Reynolds is the mole have been breaking my heart. So I wrote it so Icould control it.
A/N: It's a bit angsty, but I think you'll enjoy it. ;) And one more note, I love criticism of all kinds. I want to get better so since I'm out of fund-age for a creative writing class of, help a gal out.
One more note, the head canon here (ie Mark's back story) is shown in parts of Pages of Moments, which can be found on Terra Nova fanfics LJ comm. It's not necessary to read that before hand, but that's where it comes from.

Lying in bed, Maddy looked up at the ceiling tiles and counted them. Again. It was late, probably one, maybe two in the morning. But Maddy couldn't sleep. She wondered for the hundredth time if this was what it felt like to have your heart ripped out. Did your stomach contract in pain, did your muscles feel tight, and then slowly, a tugging in your chest. Muscles moving, veins shredding, a quickened heart beat, and then the ripping of the skin of her chest as the heart was pulled from the cavity.

And then there was the very real pain of betrayal. When someone lied to you, kept something so important from you, how could you trust anything else they said? If he lied about this one thing, something that didn't really have much to do with her according to her stupid brother, but if he lied about something so paramount in his own life, how could she believe anything else he said. So she combed over every conversation. Checking each fact and detail in her mind. Did he really like her? Was her smile his favorite feature? Or was that just something he said so he could eventually kiss her lips? Did he really find the way she rambled on about facts endearing or was he just trying to get closer to her father and mother? He'd certainly used that connection for information at least once. Had he lied to her about who he was before he came to Terra Nova?

Did he really leave behind a grandfather? Or was his family with the Sixers? Did he love her? Really? Or did he say the words because he needed it to look real. He needed a cover in this place. Was she his cover? Mild mannered, gold-hearted soldier, little bit awkward but generally the nicest person you could meet, did he need her to keep that image going?

Would anyone really love her? How were people going to look at her now? She'd already seen some girls, some of Skye's friends, they were whispering as she passed them. Were they talking about the fact that he was a traitor and she must have helped him? Or did they discuss the embarrassment they felt for her? Her whole life here, in this place, was tied to a person who lied, manipulated and basically undermined the whole community. Who was she now? And did he pick her because of her naïveté? She often wondered why he would choose her. He was so handsome and he was older. Maddy knew that other women, older women, closer to his age women wanted him. Was she the target because she would take his lies without a second thought?

The worst part was that she loved him. She loved him so much. Maddy couldn't help but feel hurt at the idea that he wouldn't be with her anymore. Her best friend, the man who held her so tight, the person she trusted, and he was lost. Despite wanting to hate him, she just loved him. And that made the hurt greater than even the pain of betrayal.

Just as a fresh wave of tears sprung from her eyes, she heard a noise. A tapping at her window. It couldn't be him. He was in custody, in the brig. Locked away until Taylor decided what would be done with him. But who would it be at this hour? And if it was him, what did he want and why was he here and how could he have gotten out? But really, did she want to talk to him?

Wiping her eyes and swallowing the lump in her throat she very carefully slid the window open.

There was no one there.

Maddy must have imagined it. Maybe her subconscious wanted to see him causing a hallucination. But then she heard something. A rustling of leaves coming from her left. But it was dark, the moon was hidden behind the clouds that would bring rain at some point. That was the reason she was counting ceiling tiles and not stars. With a quick glance at Zoe safely snuggled in her bed, Maddy slide the window open wider and stepped cautiously outside. As soon as her feet touched the ground she regretted not putting on shoes. It was muddy and her feet felt slimy. It was windy but not too cold but she really should have grabbed a robe or a sweater. She could have gone back, but her feet were already muddy and her whole body hadn't felt warm since hearing the news and then seeing him publically dragged away from her by armed guards. Might as well continue her investigation.

"Hello," she whispered quietly as she walked towards the spot she thought the noise had come from. "Who's there?"

Maddy hoped to hear some more of the rustling of the leaves or maybe a twig breaking. But she heard nothing so she turned back towards her window. All of a sudden, a hand was covering her mouth and a strong arm wrapped around her torso making it difficult to move. For a moment she was scared, but then she knew, she could tell in the muscles of his arms and the faint smell of sweat and mint that she shouldn't be worried. She relaxed, but then tensed again. It was like muscle memory, something her body had been trained to do, when he held her she relaxed. But she shouldn't relax. She should be scared and nervous and angry. So she made herself taut and mad and she tried to scream but his hand muffled the sound to almost nothing. Not even her father's light sleeping would be interrupted by the tiny sound that escaped.

It seemed like an eternity, but it was probably not more than 30 seconds before he whispered in her ear. "Maddy, please." That was all he said. She didn't understand why and so she struggled as much as she could in his tight grasp. "Maddy, I don't want to hurt you! I've never wanted to hurt you." Despite the quiet of his voice she felt his chest rumble from the urgency. He wanted her to believe him. But she didn't. She just couldn't.

"If I let you go, you can't scream, you can't yell for your dad. I just want to explain but I don't want to have to restrain you." Maddy stopped struggling. "Please, please don't scream." Slowly he released his arm that was immobilizing her body. She thought about elbowing him in the testacies. She was smaller than him, so it wasn't difficult to get a good angle. And she knew it was a man's most sensitive point. He'd even taught her that. If a man came after her the best strategy to get away was to aim for the crotch. Maddy had a flash of the way he blushed when he told her of the weakest spot and then said she could practice on the dummy because he'd been the recipient of her practice punches and didn't want to feel the pain she would inflict when hitting that particular target. The memory brought moisture to her eyes and she tried her best to not shed the tears.

Slowly she felt him pull his hand away from her mouth. As he did so, he moved around to face her. He was blocking her escape back to her window. It felt ominous but she could see in his eyes that he was upset. Okay, at least his eyes didn't say that he wanted to murder her. But Maddy didn't know if she could trust those beautiful eyes. She'd trusted them before and look where it had gotten her. She stared at him for a moment and he seemed to do the same to her. He had a small cut on his forehead and she noticed that he seemed to stand with all his weight on his left side. He must have escaped the brig by beating a couple of soldiers. Were they his own men? Did he betray them with his fists, too?

"Are you going to say anything? Do you want to ask me anything?" he whispered hopefully. Maddy shook her head. She didn't trust her voice or her mouth. Now was not a time for rambling. She regretted crying all night over him. Her eyes felt puffy and she knew he would notice. She didn't want him to know that she cared that much. Cautiously he lifted a hand to her cheek, she recoiled and he looked genuinely hurt.

"I'm sorry I made you cry," he said sincerely. At least it sounded sincere but how could she trust him? After a moment she finally raised her eyebrows in question. This seemed to remind him of his task because he began to speak quickly.

"I never," he started slowly. "I didn't mean for you to be part of this mess. I shouldn't have ever gotten involved with you." Maddy glared at him. So he didn't want anything to do with her. He never loved her. He seemed to follow her train of thought because he backtracked. "Not that I don't care about you, I love you. I love you so much that I took out three guards just to come and explain." She narrowed her eyes and made a face of disapproval. She almost scolded him but she managed to keep her mouth shut. He didn't notice, probably too engrossed in telling the story. "I'm going to turn myself in after I've spoken to you. I begged Commander Taylor to let me explain to you but apparently traitors don't deserve dignity." He looked up at her and ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm just going to start at the beginning." He looked to her for acceptance and she nodded for him to continue. "I was supposed to be a scout. It was supposed to be temporary, when the Sixth Pilgrimage came through, I was supposed to be finished. Mira was here. She would have her own people. I'd never even met her. I didn't know anything. It's just," he paused and looked at his feet and then back at her. "My grandfather, he had a gambling problem. He owed so many people money. I knew if I left him behind someone was going to come to collect and some of those people, they weren't above killing an old man that no longer had a source of income. I took the job hoping the stipend would be enough to cover his debts but I knew it wouldn't be. I was a kid. Just 17. But not like you. I wasn't smart like you or mature. I didn't really think anything through." He searched her eyes for a moment. She could tell he was very upset and that part of her that loved him desperately wanted to hold him.

"Three hours before I was set to travel through the portal a man approached me. He knew about my grandfather's debts, at first I thought he might be a loan shark or a bookie, but he wasn't. He told me if I would just send information to him, about Taylor and his son that they would pay off my grandfather's debts. They'd keep him safe. I made a decision. It was stupid, but maybe it was a little like the choices your parents made to keep your family whole." His eyes pleaded but the comparison made her shiver. She didn't want to think of it like that. He mistook the signal and removed his jacket and wrapped it around her.

"I can't believe you didn't put shoes on or a jacket, you're going to get sick," he said easily. If he'd said it yesterday it would have made her heart melt. Instead it propelled her to speak for the first time.

"Mark, you don't get to care if I get sick," she said, her voice filled with hurt and anger. He swallowed and looked pained. It might have been the light but she thought his eyes looked wet. Instead of trying to argue with her, he continued his story.

"I didn't know what kind of information they wanted, I just started sending everything I could think of. None of it was useful. At least I didn't think so. But I sent it. That time in my life, when I was first here, it was terrifying for me. I was sure I'd be found out. I could imagine Commander Taylor feeding me to a carnivore and enjoying it like a sporting match. I didn't make any friends; I didn't talk to anyone outside of necessary interactions. No one needed to be involved in my personal hell. And then," he said lighter, with relief and hope. "And then the Sixth Pilgrimage came. It was over. I could actually settle into life here. A real fresh start, nothing hanging over my head."

"But it didn't work out that way," Maddy added. She was proud of the fact that her voice was so even when she wasn't sure if she wanted to run to him or from him.

"No," he said quietly. "When the Sixers left, when they broke off, Mira came to me. She told me I had to be the inside man again. I refused. I fought with her, I told her I'd done my time, but she wouldn't listen. Mira said that she'd tell Taylor about all the information I'd fed them. Turns out the things I thought were of little use were actually crucial in context. Not that she would tell me the context. I have no inside information to give Commander Taylor on the Sixers. I don't know anything about them. I was a one-way channel. I knew the Commander would punish me. I'd probably be banished, but Mira said if that happened they'd find me and kill me. Remember, I was still," he spoke slowly as if he was trying to remember each fact. "I was just 18. Still finding out where I belonged here. I accepted the terms. I didn't want to die and I didn't want to be found out. I looked up to Commander Taylor, Lieutenant Washington. I didn't want them to be disappointed in me. So I did it. I kept doing it. But it was harder. I had friends and connections to people." Mark scrubbed his face with both hands.

"It didn't get easier, it made me angry. I was livid." Maddy bit the inside of her cheek. She'd never seen him angry. He'd never so much as raised his voice to anyone out of anger. What was he hiding? Was he really a terrible person on the inside?

"But then you came." He looked at her. He looked at her and she saw him taking her in. All of her. He shamelessly looked her up and down and then studied her face so intently that she couldn't breathe. He'd never looked at her like that. Ever. It was like he was worshipping her. She felt a fire in her belly and she swallowed hard.

"And then what?" she asked shakily.

"I wasn't angry anymore." There was something very final about his words. "I shouldn't have…selfish. That's what I was. I was selfish. I just wanted to be with you. At first it was obviously physical, look at you," he said gesturing towards her. "But then I got to know you and every word you spoke, or babbled," he smiled. "I fell deeper into this beautiful abyss. I wasn't angry, I wasn't upset. I didn't even care. Commander Taylor could find me out and I'd proudly take my punishment because for just a little while I had you."

"As romantic as you probably thought that would be it came out a little creepy," Maddy whispered, but she smiled. Just a tiny one. She tried not to. She bit her lip to keep it from growing. But he saw it because he laughed.

"We just wouldn't be us if things didn't come out wrong at some point during a conversation." He took a step forward but Maddy shook her head.

"I want to believe you but," she said quietly as she pulled his jacket around her tighter.

"But why should you?" he finished. "What I've done is unforgivable. How humiliated you must feel. All I could think of all day, stuck in that cell, it was how upset you must be." Mark reached for her face again, tentatively. She let him touch her cheek this time. The pad of his thumb wiped a tear that she felt escape.

"Please," she said but it took a moment for her to realize what she was pleading for. "I don't know how I'm supposed to feel and you aren't making it easier. Your explanation hasn't helped me. I don't know if I can trust you and I don't want to hate you but I kinda do but I love you so much it hurts. So much. I can't even decide if I want you to take a step back or if I want you to kiss me until I forget everything."

Mark dropped his hand and Maddy sighed with grief and closed her eyes tightly.

"He's going to banish me."

"Will Mira still come after you?" Maddy asked concerned, her eyes still closed.

"I don't think so, it's been so long, I'm not sure she expected me to last this long. But I certainly hope she doesn't." She heard him take a step back. "I'm going to go back now. The watch will be checking on me soon and they'll find the guards."

"Did Taylor believe your story?"

"It's his job to protect this colony, just like it's my job to protect you," Mark said. "Even if he believed me, I think the only choice he has is to banish me." And then he was gone. Disappeared into the trees.

"But who will protect me now?" she whispered into the dark.

All night long Maddy lay awake in her bed. Running through the new story she'd be told. Making a mental list of the pros and cons. Moving moments in her mind from the truth column to the lie column.

Around five a.m. she quietly slipped into the bathroom and showered. Letting the hot water rush over her she remembered something. The heat in her belly when Mark so brazenly looked her up and down, it was lust. She wanted him. Maybe it was because she was inexperienced and he'd never been anything but formal but she'd never really thought about it. She blushed about his muscular frame and felt butterflies when he kissed her, but passion was something she hadn't really felt. She'd imagined it. But hadn't really known it until tonight. When he'd looked at her she ached for his body. Just what she needed, one more emotion clouding her judgment.

The only way to banish those thoughts was to get dressed quickly so she went back to her room. Josh would be upset when he woke to find she'd run out all the hot water but he'd have to deal. If she rushed she could be out of the house before anyone woke and that was a necessity. Maddy couldn't face anyone in her family this morning.

After wondering the colony for an hour she came to a quick decision and before she knew it she was standing in front of Commander Taylor's door. Instead of knocking she decided it might be weightier if she barged in. Not at all Maddy's style but clearly she wasn't in her proper mind.

"Hello, Miss Shannon," Commander Taylor said from his desk. His office was, thankfully, empty of other people. "Typically, civilized people knock. I know you come from good parents so I assume that your lack of manners means you're here about Reynolds."

Maddy gulped. He was an intimidating man but she was smarter than he was. She was smarter than most people but she didn't try to think about it too much. From her spot in front of his desk she began to speak, "Do you know the statistical success of corporal punishment, sir? Because despite it's use it really is not effective. It deters very little crime."

"That may be true, ma'am, but I'm the head of a very small community and here our crime rate is almost non existent. That is in part to the expertise your father has brought as well." He smiled at her. "Credit where credit is due of course. But tell me, genius, that is what you are, isn't it? You are certified." Maddy nodded. She wasn't aware he knew that much about her but he often boasted about knowing everyone in the colony. Perhaps that's why he didn't have any mercy for Mark. Taylor must have felt fooled and betrayed just like she had. "Do you think he'll die if he's banished, because I know him as a well trained soldier, he excelled at survival school. I imagine he'll have a tree house with a working air conditioning system before too long. Nothing to worry about."

"Mira threatened to kill him if he was found out," Maddy spit out frantically. "So yes, I think banishment is a death sentence." She wasn't sure she believed it, Mark didn't worry about it, but maybe he was just trying to protect her.

"So you bought his story then, Miss Shannon?" He tilted his head. "The genius says he's not lying?"

"He was young."

"As is the woman who stands before me, vast intellect or not," he replied easily and Maddy faltered. "Come with me Pocahontas. I was going to pay Benedict Arnold a visit this morning anyways."

"I don't mean to be disrespectful sir, but you're mixing your historical figures. Pocahontas was-" Maddy said without thought but stopped when he glared at her.

"I know who she was. But I'd be quiet if I were you," Taylor said as he rose from his desk and gestured for her to exit first. They didn't speak on the short walk to the brig but Maddy hardly noticed. She was too busy wondering if her confrontation had any effect on Taylor.

"You're relieved men, go get some coffee," Taylor said shortly to the four men standing in the front room of the brig. Instead of allowing Maddy to enter first, like when they'd exited his office, he went first. The room was large, like the size of the common area at home, but it had two cells with bars. The room was lit by the two skylights that were directly over the cells making it seem like each cell had spotlight over it. When she entered she heard Mark stand up quickly and there he stood, at attention in front of his commanding officer. Still with full military bearing despite the fact this man was probably going to send him to his death.

"Sir," he said looking forward. And then he must have seen her because he seemed to swallow a cough. "May I address Miss Shannon, sir?" Taylor nodded and then glanced at Maddy.

"Go home Maddy," Mark said, his voice cracked. "Please."

"No!" she said a little too loud. He flinched and she noticed something. "You're hands are restrained? Commander Taylor that seems a bit crude, doesn't it? He's already in a cell with bars."

"You think?" he asked with a raise of his eyebrows. "Because I recall that he disarmed three guards last night to make a social call."

Maddy looked embarrassed and backed down.

"So Miss Shannon thinks that you'll be killed if you're banished. But I kinda like the poetry of it, personally."

Maddy was impressed at Mark's ability to stay stoic when she felt like throwing up a little.

"You've endangered every man, woman, and child, with your actions. Everyone here. Including the young lady here that came to defend you. I don't think you deserve any mercy." Taylor spoke bitterly but Maddy understood it. As she'd suspected, he felt personally victimized by Mark's actions. "If you've got no information I don't really want to give you any of my resources. As far as I'm concerned food, housing, payment, you deserve none of it."

"And listen, if a single life had been lost because of information you leaked, there would be no question because you'd already be dead. I would have shot you myself without a thought. I'd sleep just fine at night and your body would be on a slab. That girl's mother," he pointed angrily at Maddy. "Her mother would be making you presentable for burial." Maddy gulped.

"A man I thought was an outstanding soldier." Taylor shook his head. "That legacy is erased by this betrayal. You are a section leader. Lieutenant Washington and I hand picked you for that. We saw the leadership, the potential, the skill. I'm disgusted by you." Maddy watched Mark and still he held even. She wasn't even sure if he'd blinked since this verbal beating started.

"You want to hide behind excuses like youth and ignorance. There came a point where you knew what you were doing by deceiving us. You knew there would be consequences. You should have confessed. You let Mira have power over you by not coming forward. If you'd done that when she left, I would have had a drink with you and we would have settled this easily. But you let it go on. It was cowardly of you. I can't have a coward here."

He seemed to be working towards a big statement and Maddy panicked. Was this it? Would his words be final? She had to convince him to spare Mark's life. Or maybe she just wanted to save her own because without Mark, she was pretty sure her life was pointless. It felt dramatic and not at all heroic but she didn't care, or think, she just opened her mouth.

"I'm pregnant!" she cried and then cringed. Mark broke his bearing and sighed frustrated. He was not pleased with her attempt.

Taylor looked at her and seemed to see through her lie. He turned to Reynolds. "So do we add inappropriate relations with a civilian to the blotter?"

"No sir," Mark said with a hint of exasperation. "She's just grasping at straws now."

"Thought I'd check with you since she does seem to be acting out of the norm," Taylor said with a quick glance back at Maddy. He paused and rubbed his hands back and forth in front of him. He stayed this way for two or three of the most uncomfortable minutes of Maddy's life. "You're going to take a polygraph." Mark's forehead furrowed for a moment. "If that comes back that you're telling the truth, that your story is sound, you'll be stripped of your responsibilities, rank, and seniority." As he spoke Maddy felt dizzy. Was Mark really going to be saved? Mark's face had grown hard and stoic again.

"You'll stay in the bring for 30 days. Then 60 days of manual labor with the housing crews, and your nights will be spent right here. At that point we'll reevaluate. Decide if you should be reinstated in the military or if you'll be resigned to Housing Development." Taylor nodded his head to signal his finish. Then added, "And you really need to spend some time with Miss Shannon working on her military protocol. If she barges into my office spewing facts without being invited again, I'll hold you personally responsible."

"Yes sir," Mark said.

"All right," Taylor said. "I'll give you two a few moments and then the guards will be back to escort you to Headquarters for your poly."

As Commander Taylor left, Maddy stood still trying not to faint. She was dizzy and elated and a little bit worried because she still wasn't sure if she had forgiven him for all the hurt she'd felt over the last 18 hours.

"Maddy, are you going to be okay? Breathe, sweetheart," Mark came close to the bars as he could. "Should I call for help?" Maddy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She shook her head.

"I'm okay." She walked to him, forgetting his hands were still restrained behind his back. "I just didn't expect that." She ran her hand through the length of her hair.

"Neither did I," he said relaxing now that he knew she was okay. "So I guess you figured out what you wanted?" he asked hopefully.

"Not really," she admitted leaning her head against the bars, mirroring his stance. "But I knew I needed time to figure it out, hence the rude, disrespectful actions of this morning."

"And strange outbursts like pregnancy announcements?" he said lovingly. Maddy closed her eyes tight in embarrassment.

"Clearly I'm crazy."

"Obviously," he said. She opened her eyes and bit her lip. "Just please, please never say those words again. I mean," he paused uncomfortably. "Well not never, just not for a few years. And not in front of my commanding…oh shit. My job," he said as if just remembering.

"I'm sorry," Maddy said sincerely. "I'll still love you even without the uniform." He sighed heavily and then gave a small smile.

"You still love me? Sounds like you've figured out your feelings," he said like a hopeful child. Maddy took a step back so she was no longer so close to him. He stood up straight and no longer leaned on the bars.

"Proximity does funny things to my mouth. My brain hasn't caught up to it." Mark shrugged.

"Thank you for coming," he said. "I didn't deserve it and I don't deserve you."

"Just don't do it again," she said sternly.

"You won't find me playing double agent again."

"That's not what I meant," Maddy said thoughtfully. "Don't break my heart again." He looked guilty. "I said the words before, I just didn't really know how much they meant, how much you meant to me. But when they took you away," she paused and glanced at him with watery eyes. "I should have been angry. And I was. But it hurt so much. Like pebbles traveling through my veins instead of blood cells. My heart just couldn't take it.

"What you said last night about not caring about anything because you had me for just a little while," she said cautiously. "I can't have it be like that. I need you all the time, not just for a little while. So maybe I'm the selfish one, but just…" She fidgeted with her hands trying to find the right words. "Just don't do it again."

She took a step forward and standing on her tippy toes kissed him. "It's going to take some time for me to trust you again, and I'm going to be upset for a little while. But I love you," she said strongly. "More than I did even yesterday. Those aren't just words. I mean it." He gave her a shy smile and she smiled back widely. "Go ace that poly so you can come home to me."

Mark looked at her. And before she knew what was happening she felt like she was on fire all over. Her skin itched and felt hot and she kissed him again holding his face in her hands and desperately hating the barrier of bars and the restraints on his hands.

"Consider it a promise," he said to her breathless but firm. Maddy felt lightheaded again.

"You know," she said breathy. "I think the housing crews are going to need baked goods."

"You think?" he asked with a smirk.

"Yep, daily deliveries. I think I might be the person to fill that void."

"Because baking is like chemistry?" he asked fondly.

"Right," she said while nodding and holding the back of his neck through the bars.

"And at the end you get a tasty treat," Mark finished. She giggled and kissed him again.