The Changing Nature of Friendship
Summary: How Scully's illness could have been
manifesting BEFORE Leonard Betts said his immortal
line.
Other stuff: Has anyone else noticed that the women
Mulder gets are all in the 'reasonable babe' category?
The Changing Nature of Friendship.
The last few weeks had been, quite simply,
unbelievable. I know that I had seen many unbelievable
things in my four years on the X-Files, but the last
month had really been trying. I had been feeling more
rundown than normal, and the last few cases had been
real dogs.
First, there was the Peacock family, and the horror
that accompanied them. Then, Mulder's blond 'friend',
Marita, had given him information that actually didn't
help the case that we were working on. Mulder ended up
paralysed and in hospital for a while, but he seemed
to bounce back alright. He hadn't been back at work
too long when I ended up almost lobotomised by Gerry
Schnauz. The kicker, though, has been this last case
that we just finished.
Mulder claimed that he found his soul mate.
It's not me.
Whoa, where did that come from?
I mean, seriously, where did that come from?
Okay. I admit it. I love Fox Mulder, and I'm fairly
sure that I'm in love with him. So, when he said that this Melissa woman is his soul
mate, and all I am is his sergeant or his father or
his male whatever, it cut very close to the bone. If
that is how he truly sees me, then I need to assess
where I go from here.
I have always had in the back of my mind the feeling
that once we were able to get the answers that we both
needed, and get justice for the wrongs inflicted on
us, that we would be free to pursue a more intimate
form of our partnership. Knowing how Mulder sees me
changes that future from quite probable to virtually
impossible. I can see now that the innuendo was simply
a way for him to relieve tension.
He doesn't see me as female, so of course he doesn't
want me.
Why on earth did I say that I wouldn't change a day?
Fox Mulder lay on his leather couch, staring at the
ceiling. He was contemplating what had just happened
in Tennessee, and was having trouble reconciling all
that had gone on. He analysed what he had said, both
to Melissa and to Scully. He could still remember the
flash of hurt he saw in Scully's eyes as she answered
his question. He had always felt an attachment to
Scully, and he didn't want to see her hurt. Why, then,
did he believe what Melissa had said about she and he
being soul mates? Was it because it gave him a reason
to continue to keep Scully at arm's length? Or was it
because it gave him something to hide his growing
attraction to Scully behind? And if Melissa was his
soul mate, why did Scully feature so prominently in
all of his past lives?
The whys were running around in his mind so fast that
his head was starting to spin, and he was beginning to
feel nauseous. He shook his head as if to clear it,
then stood and went into the kitchen to forage for
food. Nothing in his fridge was edible, so he wandered
back into the living room, where he picked up the
phone to order a pizza. That done, he called Scully.
Maybe she could help him sort through the feelings.
Her machine picked up. "This is Dana Scully. Please
leave a message."
"Hey, Scully, it's me. Call me when you get in. It's
important." He then called her cell phone. It too went
to voicemail, where he left the same message. He
started to wonder where Scully could be, as it was
getting late. Mulder wasn't to know that she was
standing in the living room, tears slowly dripping
down her cheeks as she heard him leave his message.
When I arrived in the office the next morning, I had
my armour in place, and my excuses for not calling him
back were ready. All the Mulder signs were there: the
coffee was ready, his coat was slung over the back of
his chair, and his computer was on. I moved to my
area, and started preparing for the day, all the while
wondering what Mulder's mood would be. Would he be
morose over Melissa's death? I was pondering the
answer to that question when he breezed into the
office.
"Hey, you're here."
"Yes, I am," I replied. "New case?" I asked, noting
the files in his hands.
"Yep. Skinner just gave it to me. 302s' are approved,
and we're out of here later today."
I looked at him expectantly, waiting for more
information. When it became obvious that he wasn't
about to say anymore, I said, "You know, Mulder, it
would be nice to have some more information about this
case before we arrive wherever it is we're going."
He shook himself, and looked at me with a hint of
mischief in his gaze. "I thought it'd be a nice
surprise for you," he finished with a grin.
I was unamused. "We've been partners going on four
years, Mulder. I think that I deserve a little more
courtesy, don't you?"
"What's the matter, Scully? You know I like to play
things close to my chest."
"Yes, I know, and I'm tired of it. Now tell me where
the case is, and what it's about," I demanded.
"Or what? You won't come?" he asked, puzzled.
"Oh no, I'll come. I just want to know before we
leave, so that I can be better prepared."
"Fine," he snarled as he threw the file at me. I just
managed to catch it, and was about to sit and read it
when he spoke again.
"Don't bother sitting down." I raised my eyebrow at
him, and he continued. "I've arranged for you to go to
the lab and help Pendrell run some tests for me that
are related to this case." My look of disbelief didn't
even register with him as he kept on talking, and
among other things he said that he'd meet me at the
airport at 3pm, and not to forget the test results,
and oh yeah, he'd better take the file as I wouldn't
have time to read it. He pulled the file out of my
hands, packed his desk up, and left the office. All I
could was sit down in the guest chair, and wonder at
his actions.
Once again, Mulder had clearly shown me by his actions
that he was unhappy with my presence.
Something was going to have to give, and I was hoping
that it wouldn't be me.
And why was I feeling so damn tired?
Mulder was pacing around the gate at the airport.
Where was Scully? It wasn't like her to be late. He
pulled out his cell and pushed speed dial one.
"This is Dana Scully. Please leave a message."
"Scully, it's me. We needed to board five minutes ago.
I can't believe that you're blowing me off like this.
They're calling final boarding, so you're just going
to have to catch up to me in Chicago. Go see Skinner
for the details." Mulder could not believe that Scully
would out and out refuse an assignment. He had just
picked up his bag, and was heading for the jetway when
his cell buzzed.
"Mulder."
"Agent Mulder," said Assistant Director Walter
Skinner, "your partner fainted about three hours ago
while she was in the labs running tests. She has been
transported to GWMC, and has not yet regained
consciousness. Her mother has been informed, and is
now at the hospital with her."
Mulder stood in the middle of the jetway, torn between
going to Chicago and going to Scully. Why was he even
mad at her? Maybe putting some space between them
would be helpful. "Thank you for letting me know, sir.
I'll ask someone from the Chicago field office to help
me."
Skinner grunted in surprise, but before he could say
anything, Mulder said, "I have to board now. Call you
later." Skinner looked at the phone in his hand.
Something was going on between his best pair of
agents, and he was going to find out what it was.
I slowly struggled through the blackness that was
surrounding me. In the distance I could see Mulder, so
I called out to him. "Mulder, I need your help!"
"Sorry, Scully," he said as he turned towards me. "I
have to check out this case, so you need to come to
me."
"But I can't move quickly enough; something's holding
me back. I need you to help me! Please!"
"I can't do that, Scully. It's not like you're
important to me or anything," he replied as he turned
and started walking away.
"Mulder, I need you," I said as the tears started
again. "Please, Mulder, I love you!"
He turned again, looked me in the eye, and said, "But
I don't love you." And he walked away. I screamed as
the blackness started grasping my hands.
"Dana! You're having a nightmare. You need to wake up
now!" I slowly opened my eyes to see my mom hovering
over me, holding my hand in both of hers.
"Mom?" I croaked. "Where am I?"
"GWMC, baby girl. You fainted at work five hours ago,
and for the last hour, you've been having nightmares
and calling for Fox." She bathed my face with a warm
washcloth, and brushed my hair out of my face. "The
doctor will be in soon to talk with you." She looked
closely at me, and asked, "Is everything alright,
Dana?"
I started to nod, and was mortified when the tears
began. Mom got up, sat on the bed, and held me while I
sobbed. I must have been babbling about the last few
weeks and the cases and Mulder because my mom's voice
penetrated the miasma of emotions.
"I know that you love Fox, Dana. Don't you realise
that he loves you too?"
"But he doesn't, mom. He's convinced that a woman he
met less than a week ago is his soul mate, and she's
dead now."
"Now, Dana, you must be mistaken."
I tried to stop the traitorous tears as I raised my
eyes to my mom's. "He doesn't even see me as a woman,
mom. In this soul mate thing of his, I was always
there as a man!" Dammit if the tears didn't start
again. Mom just continued to hold me while the storm
of emotion worked its way through me. I was finally
starting to recover when the doctor came in. We talked
about what happened, and he went through my test
results. It seemed that my blood count wasn't quite
right, so he wanted me to start on an iron supplement,
as well as a prescription multivitamin. He made
arrangements for me to see him in a week, and said
that I could go home in the morning, and only half
days at work until after he had seen me again.
"What time should I be here in the morning, Dana?"
"I guess around 10am should be fine. I need to call
Skinner. Have you seen my cell phone?"
Mom opened the drawer in the bedside table, and handed
my phone to me. She kissed me on the cheek, told me to
get some sleep, and that she'd see me in the morning.
Then she was gone.
I was just about to call Skinner when the man himself
came into my room. He looked troubled as he entered,
but recovered quickly.
"Agent Scully, I was just talking to your doctor.
You'll be on half days, so would you prefer mornings
or afternoons?"
"I think that mornings would be better, sir. Do you
want me to let Mulder know?"
Skinner got that troubled look again before he
answered. "I think that maybe I'd better tell him,
Scully. I called him as he was about to board the
flight to Chicago. He said that he'd get an agent from
the field office to help him with this case. Scully,
what's going on?"
I couldn't answer. All the times we had been at each
other's bedside in hospital, and right after the
Melissa debacle, he chooses to stay away. I looked at
the phone in my hand and accessed my voicemail. Almost
immediately, I wished I hadn't.
"Scully, it's me. We needed to board five minutes ago.
I can't believe that you're blowing me off like this.
They're calling final boarding, so you're just going
to have to catch up to me in Chicago. Go see Skinner
for the details."
Mulder was mad at me, and for the life of me, I
couldn't figure out why. I must have looked stunned,
as Skinner motioned for the phone. I gave it to him,
and he listened to Mulder's message. His face grew
hard, and he looked at me when the message finished
playing. I answered his unspoken questions.
I told Skinner about what happened in Tennessee, and
what had happened in the office earlier. I omitted my
role in Mulder's past lives, as it made no real
difference to what Mulder had done. Skinner grunted,
then stood to leave. He told me to come and see him in
two days' time, where he and I would discuss things
further.
After Skinner had gone, I leant back against the
pillows and started to seriously think about what was
happening to me. I started to summarise so I could
control my thoughts. Mulder was mad at me; he didn't
respect me as a colleague; he certainly didn't see me
as a woman; and, he wasn't by my bedside when I woke.
What on earth had I done to Mulder? I picked my phone
up and called Mulder. It went straight to voicemail.
"Mulder, it's me. I'm really sorry that I won't be
able to come to Chicago. The doctor has ordered that I
take tomorrow off work, and then it's half days for a
week. Pendrell said he'd fax the test results to the
field office for you. Please be careful." I ended the
call, and put my phone on the bedside table.
Sleep didn't come easily to me that night.
Fox Mulder hadn't had the best of days. First, Scully
wasn't with him in Chicago. Second, the agent who had
volunteered to go with him was a rookie, and didn't
know whether he was coming or going. Third, Scully
wasn't with him, she was in hospital. Fourth, his
Scully wasn't with him. His conscience had been
pricking him all afternoon and evening. How was she?
Why was she in hospital? He thought back to the
conversation he'd had with Skinner earlier that
evening.
"Agent Mulder, I thought that you should know that
your partner was admitted to GWMC earlier today.
She'll be discharged in the morning, but the doctor
has limited her to half days for the next week. Should
her follow up appointment next week show problems,
then she'll be restricted to half days for the
foreseeable future. Will this be a problem for you?"
"How is she doing, sir?"
"Why are you asking me, Mulder?"
"Well, you saw her earlier."
"And?"
"And I might have given her the impression that I was
unhappy that she wasn't with me. Please, sir."
"She seemed pretty upset about something, but apart
from that, she wasn't too bad. Of course, that was
before she listened to the message you left her."
"Oh."
"Anything you want to tell me, Agent?"
"No, sir."
"Keep me apprised."
Mulder looked at his cell, and decided to call Scully.
First, he checked his voicemail. There were a couple
of messages from the Gunmen, and one from Scully.
"Mulder, it's me. I'm really sorry that I won't be
able to come to Chicago. The doctor has ordered that I
take tomorrow off work, and then it's half days for a
week. Pendrell said he'd fax the test results to the
field office for you. Please be careful."
He felt like kicking himself. His Scully sounded so
sad and defeated. Wait a minute, he thought, when did
I start thinking of her as MY Scully? That set him
back on his heels, and he started to analyse that
train of thought. He looked at the phone again, and
hit the speed dial. It rang four times, then a slurred
voice answered.
"H'lo?"
He breathed a sigh of relief. "Hey Scully, it's me."
Silence. "Scully, you there?"
Another pause, then "Yeah, I'm here."
"How're you feeling?"
"Tired. How's the case going?"
'How's the case going?' he thought. 'Of course, you
stupendous ass! It's 10pm here, so it's 11pm in DC. Of
course she's going to think that you're only
interested in talking about the case'. To her, he
said, "The case is a waste of time."
Another long pause, then very quietly she asked, "So
why are you mad at me?"
"I'm not mad at you, Scully."
"Well, you were earlier today," she said, her voice
increasing in volume. "You didn't want to give me
details of the case, then you ordered me to run those
tests for you. Then, when I wasn't at the airport on
time, you left a nasty voicemail message that I only
listened to after I regained consciousness three hours
ago. You don't respect me as your equal, and you
certainly don't trust me. If you did, you'd share more
details of the cases before we go into the field where
you make me look like a fool because I don't know
what's going on. What exactly do I have to do before
you see me for who I am?" she finished up shouting at
him.
Mulder was astonished by the vehemence of Scully's
outburst. He listened to her harsh breathing as she
tried to calm down, and searched frantically for the
words to say to help her feel better. "But I do trust
you, and I do respect you."
Scully laughed harshly at that. "No, Mulder, you
don't. I have done everything in my power to earn your
trust, and what has it got me? You ditch me physically
every chance you get. What's worse is you ditch me
emotionally whenever there's a chance you can get
laid."
"That's not how it is. ."
Once again, Scully laughed. "That is exactly what you
do. You see everyone and everything around you, except
me. I'm just the loyal assistant that gets left behind
as an inconvenience, then when you need me to pull
your ass out of the fire, or patch you up, or appear
by your hospital bed, I'm there. What you don't
realise is that I'm actually happy to do all of that,
and you want to know why? It's because I fell in love
with you three years ago, you son of a bitch!"
Mulder could feel the emotional pain that Scully was
in, and he asked as calmly as he could, "You love me?
You're in love with me?"
Scully gasped as she realised what she had said to
Mulder. She looked at the cell phone in her hand,
disconnected the call, switched the phone off, and
threw it back in the drawer.
Mulder tried to call her back, but got the out of
service message. He looked at the time. It was too
late to try to go back to DC, plus he really did need
to do the right thing by the field office if he
happened to need something from Skinner, which was
likely under the circumstances. 'Time to make things
right with Scully,' he thought.
I sat up in the hospital bed, appalled with myself and
my lack of self-control. I had just managed to doze
off when Mulder called, and I wasn't in anywhere near
the right frame of mind to talk to him about anything,
let alone how I feel about him. I didn't even realise
that I had told Mulder I was in love with him until he
repeated it back to me. The question now was: would he
drop everything and race back to DC, or would he laugh
himself silly over my emotional ramblings? It was time
for me to do some damage control. I pressed the call
button, and when the night nurse arrived, I went into
action.
Ninety minutes later, the cab I was in pulled up in
front of the Hoover building.
Once inside, I made my way to our, or should I say
Mulder's, office, where I collected my personal
belongings. I switched Mulder's computer on, and once
the start-up routine had finished, I sent two emails.
The first was to A.D. Skinner, requesting a leave of
unspecified duration. I asked that he combine my
medical leave, comp time, and time in lieu. If I
didn't think that was going to be enough time away
from the office and Mulder, then it would have to be
augmented by unpaid leave. The reasons I gave Skinner
were simple: I wasn't well, and I needed a break.
The second email was to Mulder. I didn't know when
he'd access email, but I wanted to be long gone when
he read it.
After I had finished with the emails, I shut
everything down, collected my things, and went to my
car. From the Hoover building, I went back to my
apartment, where I threw some clothes into a bag.
After a quick shower to wash the hospital smell off, I
trashed the perishables in my fridge. Then it was off
to mom's for a few more things. All I told her was
that I really needed to get away, and that when I
found a place to stay, I'd call her.
Then I hit the road, all the time wondering how I was
going to recover from the mistake of telling Mulder
how I felt about him. I also needed to go through the
test results from the hospital, and try to work out
what, if anything, was wrong with me.
Two days later, Mulder walked into the office, fully
expecting that Scully would already be in, as she was
on half days. As he looked around the room, he noticed
a thin film of dust on the desk. As he looked more
closely, he saw that none of Scully's personal knick
knacks were visible. A sense of dread began to gnaw at
him, and he booted up his computer. While he was
waiting, he checked his voicemail. Nothing from
Scully, but a terse message from Skinner ordering him
to contact Kim ASAP. Then he checked his email. A
short message was waiting for him, dated two nights
earlier.
'Mulder:
I've gone on leave. I'll be in touch.
Scully.'
This is not good, he muttered to himself as he picked
up the phone to call Kim. Fifteen minutes later, he
was sitting in front of Skinner, hoping to get
information about Scully out of the big man.
Skinner sat at his desk, reading through Mulder's
report on the Chicago case. He put the file back on
the desk, and leant back in his chair a little as he
decided what to say to his agent. Finally, he came to
a decision, sat back up, and started talking.
"So, Agent Mulder. This report would seem to indicate
that the case in Chicago was a hoax, wouldn't you
agree?"
Mulder nodded. "I had worked that out the first night
I was there, but I wanted to make certain of it before
I came back to DC."
"Do you have any explanation for your attitude of late
towards your partner? That voicemail message was
insulting, Mulder. Have you ever known Dana Scully to
blow off an assignment?"
Mulder shook his head, and had the decency to look
ashamed as he responded. "No, sir. Agent Scully has
always been the epitome of professionalism. I was
upset and tired when I called Scully, and it was
unprofessional of me to leave that message. I will
apologise to Scully when I see her again."
"That could be some time, Mulder. Scully has requested
a medical leave of unspecified length. I found out
from her mother that Scully signed herself out AMA two
nights ago, and has since departed for an unknown
destination."
"Do you know what's wrong with Scully, sir?"
"No, I do not. Maybe Mrs Scully does." The two men sat
immersed in their thoughts briefly before Skinner
dismissed Mulder, who wasted no time getting back
downstairs to his office.
Once the door was closed behind him, he pulled his
cell out and called Margaret Scully. That conversation
was not brief, and it was painful for both Mulder and
Mrs Scully. It was obvious to the two of them that
Dana was ill, perhaps seriously, and wherever she was,
she was alone. After he ended the call, he was about
to call his buddies, the Lone Gunmen, when he noticed
his inbox had an email from Scully. Quickly, he
clicked on it, and read his fate.
"Mulder,
I have been feeling unwell for some weeks now, so I'm
having a battery of tests done. I have had a few
episodes of fainting, but none where I was out of it
for so long, nor with the added nightmares, as a few
days ago at work. I feel tired and rundown all the
time, to the point of wondering if there's any reason
to go on.
It is unfair of me to ask that you put up with a
partner that is sick. You have so much to do, and if I
can't keep up with you, then I don't deserve to be
there with you. You need better that that. You
certainly deserve better than that.
As for what I said the other night, you can pass it
off as the insane ramblings of a tired, sick woman.
Take care,
Dana."
Mulder couldn't believe his eyes. Scully sounded
depressed, and she was giving him an out with respect
to her declaration of her feelings. As he contemplated
his actions of the last few weeks, he began to doze.
As he slipped into a more relaxed state, he felt all
the emotions that Melissa Ephesian had engendered in
him disappearing like snow in the sun. As those
emotions started bleeding out, a series of more
powerful emotions began filling him, body and soul.
All of these emotions had Dana Scully at their centre.
He saw her as if for the first time, standing in front
of him, strong and proud, and oh, so beautiful, with
her stunning eyes and her blazing intellect. He let
the emotions and visions wash through him, almost
purifying him with their intensity. He thought he
heard her voice, and sat up quickly.
'How could I have treated this wonderful woman so
shabbily?' he thought as the visions filled his mind
and burned in his soul. 'She deserves far more than I
could ever hope to give her.' In almost the same
instant came her voice, reaffirming that it was him,
Fox Mulder, that she loved, and the burst of warmth
that filled his heart was almost too much to bear, and
the tears that sprang up in his eyes trickled down his
cheeks unnoticed. 'I have to find her. I have to be
with her. No more hiding,' he thought as he pressed a
number on his cell.
"Lone Gunmen."
"Byers, it's me. I need your help urgently."
I had been in the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota,
for five days now. The doctors had run every kind of
test that they could think of, and were confident that
they were narrowing down what was making me sick. At
least, I wasn't bedridden, so I had been walking
around the city, seeing the sights, and keeping myself
amused. One of the things that I had bought myself for
comfort was a Rochester Honkers baseball sweatshirt.
Not quite the Yankees, but it was still baseball.
I had also been reading as much as I was able,
particularly about autoimmune conditions, which is the
diagnosis the doctors were tending towards. I was
hopeful that the doctors here, who were among the best
in the world, would be able to tell me what was wrong.
It was getting on towards dinner, so when I heard the
knock on the door, I didn't think twice about telling
whoever it was to come in.
"Hey Scully."
It was Mulder. Seeing him here was a real surprise,
and that was reflected in my greeting to him. "What
are you doing here, Mulder? How did you find me?"
"I'm here because my partner needs me to be. As for
finding you, Frohike sends his fondest regards, and
hopes that you're feeling okay."
I nodded, and said, "Just so long as they're not
hacking into my medical records."
Mulder chuckled at that image, then sobered. "Why
didn't you tell me how you've been feeling?"
"When could I have done that, Mulder? We've been so
busy with cases,"
"And I've been ignoring you." He nodded, and went on.
"Dana? Can we talk about that case in Apison?"
'Dana?' I thought. 'What's going on?' "Sure, if that's
what you want, but I left all my business suits at
home, and I filed my report with Skinner last week.
Was there a problem with it?" He looked askance at me
as I settled myself on my bed, and waited for him to
take the unusually comfy chair in my room. He
surprised me by coming and sitting on the bed, right
beside me.
"No need for a suit this time, and no, there are no
problems with your report. I know that you didn't
agree with what went on in Apison, Dana. I've had time
to put a number of things in perspective about that
case, and I now know that Melissa Ephesian is not who
I thought she was."
"Your soul mate."
"Yeah. I was in our office," he paused at my look of
disbelief, and grinned at me, "yes, our office, and I
had what I can only describe as a spiritual
experience. I experienced an awakening that was
exhilarating, and I felt a sense of renewal and peace
afterwards that I thought I hadn't felt in years. The
thing is, I have felt that sense of peace many times
before."
I couldn't see where this was going, and Mulder
noticed that I was getting a little antsy, so he
surprised me again by taking my hands in his before he
continued speaking.
"I have felt that peace in my soul when I'm with you,
Dana, and it took the reality check of you not being
around for me to recognise that what I already have
with you is so amazing it takes my breath away. And if
what we already have is this good, then I can only
imagine what it could be like if we were really
together." He looked into my eyes, and I felt that I
could see his soul, as I knew that he could see mine.
I had to be sure of what he was trying to tell me.
"Mulder, what exactly are you trying to say to me?"
He smiled, a full, heart-stopping smile, and quietly
answered, "I'm trying to tell you that I love you,
that I am in love with you, and that I want us to be
together." He saw me glance around the hospital room,
and gently turned my face back towards his with his
fingertips. "None of this matters to me, Dana. If we
are together, then nothing can defeat us. Be mine,
Dana. Please. We belong to each other; we belong with
each other." He cocked an eyebrow at me, and waited
expectantly for me to speak.
I had looked deep into Mulder's soul, and I knew that
he was being terrifyingly honest. I had seen the depth
of his feelings written in his eyes, and I was well
aware that he had seen those feelings mirrored in my
eyes. I took a deep breath. "That sounds a little like
a proposal to me, Mulder," I said with a small smile.
He grinned back. "You better believe it, Dana. When
you get out of here, we'll make it official. Get your
mom here to watch. What do you say?"
My cheeks were starting to ache from smiling. "That
sounds fine to me, Mulder."
He stroked my cheek, and said, "Call me Fox."