Meant to Be
Depressed
It was 4:30 in the morning. The sun hadn't even begun to show over the tops of the not so distant trees of the forbidden forest. James Potter had given up on sleeping over two hours ago. He was going to look like shit in the morning. Not that it was any different from the last few weeks anyways. Not that he really cared either. He knew his friends were getting worried about him, he was just past the point of caring now. He sighed and pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the window. He could feel his wire rim glasses digging into nose. He didn't care though. He found that caring hurt too much.
He hadn't always been like this. This unemotional monster he could slowly feel himself turning into. The monster that didn't care if hurt himself or the others around him. He knew he was hurting others around him, but the monster didn't care. At first a small part of him had felt bad for those around him, as they had watched him deteriorate rapidly before their eyes, but that phase had passed to indifference, before he could even start to change back to his old happy self.
Happy. It was such a fucking stupid word. Who could really be happy in a world like this? With all the death and destruction surrounding their lives, he couldn't. In the beginning he had tried, but eventually it had been pointless. He watched them, the ones who tried to be happy. They had smiles on there faces, laughing with their friends about pointless things. At least they were until they glanced his way. You could actually see the smiles slide off their faces. They were all the same. Feel bad for a few minutes, stay quiet not look at each other than be right back at their laughing and joking, as if nothing had happened. The part the pissed him off the most was that he used to be one of those people.
He could see the faint outline of light slowly rising in the east. Another day, though all the days ran together now it didn't matter whether the sun set or rose. He stood up not wanting to be around when his friends woke up. Having no set destination in mind he just started walking. Not really seeing anything that he was passing, he let his mind drift.
He couldn't even remember the last few months. Seventh year they were supposed to be having the time of their life, and he couldn't even remember the last time he had a full conversation with someone. The worst part was he didn't even care. Sure he knew he wasn't the only one hurting, if you could call it that, for he felt no emotion. People just dealt with pain differently. Who fucking cared if he shut himself off from everyone else, well his friends did, but after a while they just sat back and watched silently.
James stopped in the middle of the hall suddenly overcome with a wave of anger. That's what he got for letting his mind drift. He had to let it out, or else it would come out later, on an unsuspecting individual, not that he really cared. He kicked the nearest object in sight.
"What did that suit of armor ever do to you?"
James turned around suddenly, his breath catching. "And how would that be your business?" He growled at the tiny red head standing behind him.
"Well it's called defacing school property, and as Head Girl it's my job to punish those who disobey the rules. But you should know that, since you are Head Boy." Lily Evans shot back without even flinching.
"Well I didn't ask to be Head Boy, I don't care about rules, and I don't like how you're bothering me. So. Leave. Me. Alone." He snapped, grinding his teeth over the last few words.
"What the hell's your problem Potter? You're not the only one who has lost family in this war." Lily said, stepping closer to prove that she wasn't afraid of him.
"I don't care what you have to say, you don't know what I'm going through, so get the fuck out of my business." James was already walking away as he hissed the words out through his teeth, inches away from shouting at her.
He was already rounding the corner when she muttered three words he couldn't hear, "actually I do."
It pissed him off when people got on his case like Lily Evans just had; he had every right to be angry all the time. His whole family dead in one single night, and where had he been? Partying with his friends, he shuddered at the thought.
It had been the last weekend before his Seventh year at Hogwarts had started. His father had told him that he had to be present at his Mother's 55th birthday celebration. He had said of course he would be there, wouldn't miss it being his exact words. That had been until Sirius had shown up after spending a week with Remus. "I got some firewhisky, last weekend of the summer; come on it'll be fun." He didn't think twice. Until three hours later and he realized he was late. After rushing home and finding nothing left of his house. Dozens of people he knew and loved sprawled out all over the ground, staring up at nothing.
The shock had come quickly, than the anger, followed swiftly by the guilt. He knew deep down he there was no reason to feel guilty, it was just what if? What if he had been there would they be alive? He knew the answer, no, he would be dead. At this point anything would be better than what he was feeling right now.
It was the end of November now. Three months to the day, and it didn't seem to be getting any easier either. Whatever I'll deal with it, he thought moodily. Wishing that he could just turn off his brain and not have to think at all, yet no one seemed to allow him to do that. His friends had refused to give up on him entirely and it was pissing him off.
James made his way sub-consciously to the great hall, sitting down and eating. He never paid attention to went on around him anymore, so when he didn't look up as his friends sat down around him, they didn't pay much attention to it. After awhile the great hall filled and the noise picked up. It wasn't as cheerful as it had been a few years ago, but today everyone seemed in a better mood than most days.
"So James you excited about the big match against Ravenclaw today?" Sirius asked, looking hopeful. Remus nodded next to him.
"Oh, I forgot about it," he said after a moment not looking up.
"But aren't you playing?" Asked Remus, shooting a worried glance at Sirius than Peter.
"Yeah, I guess so," stated James indifferently. "Guess I should head down to the dressing rooms." He stood up not waiting for anyone to say anything.
It was a surprise he was still on the team. Up until last year he had been the star player, living, breathing, eating Quidditch. That was probably the only reason he was still on the team. His team mates had some strange idea he would snap out of it and be there star player again. He barely showed up to practice, there was little hope.
He made his way slowly down to the field. When he entered the change room he barely registered the huge sigh of relief that went through the room.
"Thank God Potter; we were beginning to think you weren't going to show up. You only have five minutes to get dressed," said the Captain with a huge sigh of relief. They still had hope he would be able to play.
He didn't even look at any of them. He just went through the motions not taking the time to think about what he was doing, five years of doing the same routine did that to you. When the team reached the spot where they would mount, he heard the gasp. Looking up for the first time, he realized that the gasp was for him. No one had seen him do anything for months, and yet here he was about to mount his broom. Probably wondering if I'm back to my old self, he thought bitterly. This is who he is now and they would just have to get used to it.
The whistle went, and he mounted his broom. He could feel the air whipping against his cheeks. He flew higher and higher, not paying any attention to what was going on around him. When he finally leveled out he looked down. It was a long way down, he wondered what it would feel like to let go a feel the air whipping past him. He let go and felt the air whoosh past him the air screaming in his ears. Than there was a different type screaming. Than all he saw was blackness.
Authors Note: So here is the first chapter, Please Review.