Stan Smith vs. the Hot Tub
Note: This story takes place after the events in 'Hot Tub.' I thought killing two of the main characters at the end isn't a good ending. Here's what I think happens afterward.
Roger, Steve, Klaus, Hayley and Francine's parents were watching the news on TV in Baba and Papa Ling's house. Francine's adoptive parents were sitting on the sofa. Hayley and Steve sat on the floor. Klaus sat in his bowl on the end table next to Roger.
"I don't get it!" Steve said. Everybody looked at him. "Why did Dad just abandon us like that over a stupid hot tub? I mean who does that? Doesn't he realize that family is much more important?"
"Apparently not." Hayley told him. "Now shut up and watch the news." They all paid attention back to the TV. The screen showed Greg and Terry in their newsroom.
"Good news!" Terry exclaimed. "Stan Smith is dead and Francine Smith is MIA." Everyone gasped. Greg whispered something in his ear.
"Oh, sorry that's the bad news. The good news is our baby girl Libby, took her first steps. Yay!"
"Yay!" Greg cheered. They then looked serious. Greg cleared his trout.
"The memorial service will be held Saturday at nine in the morning at First Episcopalian Church. So sorry for the Smith family but yay for Libby!"
"Yay for Libby!" Terry added. "We're so proud of you."
"Yeah so proud." Baba Ling turned off the TV.
"Stupid TV news." She said. "Thinking that the disappearances of our baby girl is good news." Steve had tears in his eyes.
"Dad's…dead?" He asked, sniffing.
"Mom's missing in action." Haley put in. "And poor Dad did kind of deserve it if he picked a hot tub over us." Steve burst out crying.
"I can't believe Dad's dead and Mom's missing!" He cried and cried. Hayley soothed over to comfort her brother. Klaus cried as well. Roger looked at him.
"Whoa!" He observed. "Klaus, I haven't seen you this upset since we found out that German city lost to Pyenogchang for the 2018 Winter Olympics."
"Munich deserved to win." Klaus sniffed. "I bet they went though so much just to get ready only to realize they have been defeated!" The fish cried and cried.
"Hey, why are you crying anyway? You're not a Smith."
"I'm crying because since both Stan and Francine are gone, the possibly of me turning back into a human decreased and all of you are probably not going to do it!"
"I'll do it." Hayley offered. Klaus removed his fins and looked hopeful at her.
"Really?"
"Sure, if I knew how." This made Klaus cry even harder. "But I'm sure Bollock or someone down at the CIA can help us." Klaus cheered up.
"We have to go to the memorial service." Steve spoke. Baba Ling looked at him.
"No!" She barked. "Not after he abandoned our daughter like that."
"Grandma, he's our dad!" Hayley explained. "We have to go and pay our respects even though what he did to Mom was completely unforgivable."
"Yeah," Steve added. "You still love Grandpa after he does something foolish."
"But this isn't something foolish like forgetting to fix dinner or putting my sock in his drawer. This is much worse. It's unforgivable!"
"Don't drag me into this woman!" Papa Ling shouted.
"Please Grandma?" Hayley asked.
"Yeah, please?" Steve said. They both looked at their grandparents with hopeful eyes. Baba Ling sighed.
"Fine! We can go." The two kids cheered. "But I still say Stan is a jerk."
"I say so too Grandma." Hayley agreed.
"So Klaus," Hayley told him. They were at the CIA headquarters looking for a body for Klaus to be in. The family all wore their proper funeral getups, even Roger. Francine's dad was waiting for them in the car. An agent waited for them to pick their pick. "See any bodies you want to possess?" Klaus looked all around.
"Hmmm, nien." Klaus answered. "These bodies are great and all but they do not scream 'Klaus.'"
"Well you better hurry. The service starts in…" She looked at her watch and gasped. "Twenty minutes! Hurry and choose!"
"Relax, you can miss you father's funeral."
"Klaus!" Hayley shook his bowl.
"Okay, okay, I'll choose. Just quit shaking mein bowl or I'll throw up now and at the service by drinking lots of vodka."
"You wouldn't!"
"Oh, yes I will if you provoke me. I will!"
"You're one sick fish." Roger pointed out.
"Ja I know."
"Hey!" Steve piped up. "What about him?" He pointed to Agent Duper's body.
"Dad's rival?" Hayley wanted to know. "Didn't he die in that bus crash?"
"Yeah, it's the least likely person that will show up. It's the perfect body for Klaus or just temporary if Klaus doesn't like it."
"But he's dead! And his former workers will be there. We got to pick a different body." Francine's mom looked at her watch.
"Eighteen minutes left!" Hayley ran to Duper's body.
"Oh well, hopefully no one will notice."
"Bet they will!" Steve told her, handing the agent the money. The agent grabbed it, put it in his wallet, placed them in his pocket and went to start the transplant.
"Yeah, they probably will."
After the operation, Klaus stepped off the brain transplant in Duper's body. His old body was on the bed next to him, lifeless along with his fishbowl. Hayley showed him his refection with a hand held mirror she bought for home. Klaus looked at it and smiled.
"I…I can't believe it; I'm human! He felt his face and jumped like a little kid. "Wunderbar!"
"We got to go." Francine's mom said. "Or if you don't want to go, that's fine with me."
"No, we're going." Hayley said, dragging the happy Klaus away. The rest of the family followed out into the car.
"About time you get back!" Papa shouted. "I thought you never come out of there!"
"Yeah, yeah!" Baba told him, getting in the passenger's seat next to her husband. The others got in back. Baba buckled her seatbelt. "You drive now!"
"Yes bossy wife." As soon as everyone was settled in, the car drove off.
On the ride over, Klaus bragged on and on what he was planning to do in his new body.
"I'll go back to Germany," Klaus began "And find mein dog, meine wife and maybe miene daughter. If not, I'll start a new life and…"
"Here!" Hayley told him, handing him a tie and suit. "Put this on and shut up." Klaus grabbed it and put it on over his other shirt. But to her and the family's disappointment, as soon as he had it on, he went back to rambling. The family all groaned.
When they arrived, they exited the car and went in. All of Stan's friends and mostly everybody he knew was there, even Jeff and Stan's dad with handcuffs around his wrists. A parole officer stood next to him. There was a long table next to the podium with a coffin on it. Jeff walked out and offered Hayley his hand.
"Sorry about your father babe." He said. "Come on, we can sit near the front." Hayley grabbed his hand. They sat in a pew. Jackson looked behind him at Klaus.
"Hey," He said. "Aren't you Duper?"
"It can't be." An agent next to Klaus told him. "Duper is dead. Remember? He died in that bus crash with 96 others."
"It's him!" An agent said, standing in his pew. "I know him anywhere!" Everyone turned in their seats and looked at Klaus who was sweaty.
"Duper!" They cried.
"You're alive!" An agent said. The agent next to him pulled on his sleeve.
"So, how did you do it?" He asked. "How did you survive and escape that bus crash?"
"I uh…"
"Did you do it like that kid did it in one of the books my kid reads? Come on, tell us!" Steve nudged his sister.
"I told you so! I would do my 'I told you so' victory dance, but we're in church." Hayley shushed him.
Wow! Roger thought. I never thought going to church was so much fun, especially a funeral!
"Steve!" She whispered loudly. "Quiet!"
Klaus was relived when Father Donovan came up to the podium.
"Hey!" He said. "The service is starting!" Everyone turned around to look at the priest. Klaus sighed in relief.
"Phew! That was a close one!"
Aw man! Roger thought, disappointed. I so wanted Klaus to get busted!
"Welcome to the First Episcopalian Church." Father Donovan greeted. "We are all here today to say our last prayers to Stan Smith who passed away recently for a mysterious reason. Stan Smith was a friend to all of us. He was also a great father and a great worker. He loved his country deeply. He was a true patriot. Here's a slideshow of his whole life." The sideshow began showing images of Stan's growing up. It showed him as a baby, him dating Francine, his family and more. While the slideshow played, 'Wonderful World', 'Tears in Heaven', Bridge Over Troubled Waters, 'As Time Goes By', 'Do Not Stand by my Grave and Weep', 'Father and Son' and Pokémon's 'If Only Tears Could Bring you Back' played. Hayley looked at Roger.
"Why did you pick this song?" She wanted to know.
"Because it's sad." Roger told her. "At least I didn't pick 'Best Day Ever' from SpongeBob that I was going to play at Klaus' fake funeral."
"Thank goodness you didn't." Klaus said. "That's a horrible song to play at a funeral and a horrible song in general."
"But it was fake!"
"Doesn't matter! It's still an inappropriate song to play when your loved ones just passed away." They payed their attention back on the slideshow.
"Just be glad that I didn't pick 'I Miss You' from Miley Cyrus."
Steve had tears in his eyes and sniffed sadly and blew on the Kleenex that Hayley offered him throughout the slideshow. Donovan approched the podium again when it was done. The lights came back on.
"It is with deep sorrow that a man like Stan Smith isn't with us anymore." He said. "But Stan Smith is in better hands now. He is with God. But Stan isn't really gone. He will be with us, safe deeply inside our hearts for eternity. Now, would anyone like to come to the podium to say a few words on our dearly beloved? Hayley stood up, so did Steve.
"I like to say a few words." She spoke.
"You got this, baby." Jeff told her. Hayley smiled at him and the brother and sister made their way to the podium.
"Never thought I'll make this speech." Hayley confessed. She cleared her throat. "Dad really loved his country. He also loved his job. But not as much as he loved his family. True Dad may be a complete jerk at times and at times I wish he wasn't my dad at all, but deep down he's really a great guy. I'm really going to miss you Dad." Next was Steve's turn.
"Dad was a true father." Steve said. "Every morning, he would make sure us kids got to school on time. He said school was a place where young minds can grow and a preparation for the real world that we'll never survive without it. He cares for us deeply. If that's not a great dad, then I don't know what is." He had tears in his eyes again. "And at the end, he didn't deserve to die. He was just confused on what was more important to him, a hot tub or his family." He began to cry. "I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore.." He ran of, crying. Hayley went to comfort him.
"Anybody else?" Father Donovan wanted to know. "Anybody at all? This is your last chance in the house of God before we bury him in the cemetery." An agent poked Klaus in the back.
"You should go up Duper." He said.
"Yeah!" A second agent piped up. "Go on up there and give your speech."
"Me?" Klaus questioned. He shook his head. "Oh no, I can't. I have nothing to say."
"Go on!" The first agent urged him. "Just say what's in your heart!" He pushed Klaus up to his feet.
"Anybody?" Father Donavon asked. "Then I conclude this funeral and our chorus will sing 'Amazing Gra…'".
"Duper has something to say!" The agent said.
"No I don't."
"Yes you do! Come on, don't be a wuss!"
"I'm not a wuss!"
"Then go up there and make your speech." All eyes were on Klaus. He gulped and slowly made his way to the podium.
"Well, this will be interesting." Roger observed. Klaus stood before the podium.
"Guten Tag!" He began. "The weather sure is nice for a funeral, huh?"
"Go on!" An agent shouted. "Tell us about Stan Smith!"
"Come on!" Spoke up an impatient Father Donovan. "I don't have all day. I have reservations at the docks in twenty minutes!" Klaus began to sweat again. He laughed nervously.
"Well, you see I'm not really Duper. I uh…"
Suddenly, the coffin on the table opened and out stepped Stan. Klaus sighed in relief.
"Oh thank the holy angels!"
"He's right." Stan said. "He's not. Duper is dead." Everyone looked and screamed.
"GHOST!" They all stood up and ran for the doors.
"You know," Jackson said to his buddy. "That isn't Duper at all. He 's too German to be him." His friend agreed as they ran out of the church with all the others. They ran with the others out the door.
"No, no!" Stan told everyone. "I'm not a ghost. Ghosts don't exist." But the doors were closed. All who remained was Klaus, Steve, Roger, Hayley, Jeff and Francine's parents. Stan turned to them. "I knew you guys would believe me. I raised a good family."
"Stay back!" Roger ordered. "I don't want to wrestle you."
"Uh, Roger?" Steve asked. "How can you wrestle a ghost? Your hands will go right through him." Roger realized he was right. He burst out crying.
"Stan raised a smart son!" Hayley comforted the sad alien who then realized something.
"Wait, how do we know you're not lying?"
"What do you mean? Don't tell me you believed in ghosts. You lived on this planet long enough. I think by now you would've seen a ghost by now if they truly exis…" Roger hit him in the groin with the cross. Stan screamed and fell to the ground. He then tossed the cross back on the table.
"Okay, he's not a ghost."
"Why did you do that?" Stan wanted to know. "You're not supposed to hit a man in the groin at church with a cross!"
"Why did you scream at church? I think that's a big no-no." Stan stood back up. But as soon as he stood back up, Roger elbowed him in the groin. He fell to the ground again.
"What is wrong with you? We already established the fact that I'm not a ghost."
"Stan, I think you know I've been on this planet long enough to know that… I like doing it!" Hayley and Steve helped him up.
"Dad!" Steve said, hugging him. "I knew you weren't dead!"
"No you didn't." Hayley told him. "You were crying like a baby." Steve looked at her.
"Shut up Hayley!" He resumed hugging his father.
"So you're not dead?" Baba asked.
"Nope! I'm alive and well!"
"Shizai kehen!" Baba cried.
"Grandma!" Hayley said, shocked. "You can't swear in the house of God."
"I didn't!" She snapped. "I said, "Darn it" in native tongue! Sheesh, I know the rules."
"We got to free Francine from that hot tub." Stan told everyone. Steve stepped back to look at his father.
"The hot tub has mom?" Steve asked.
"I know it sounds crazy. But it's gone psyco. For all we know, she may be dead." Next he looked at Klaus. "And we got to turn Klaus back into a fish."
"Why do you torture me?"
"Because we love to." Roger answered.
"Darn es!" Klaus said.
"Don't swear Klaus." Stan told him. We're in church."
"I didn't, I said 'darn it'. Couldn't you tell? I thought the word "Darn' was an easy hint. Sheesh, America isn't the only country with churches you know. They're all over." He then realized something. "But once I'm a fish again, I may not be of much help. So, maybe I can stay human until we rescue Francine?"
"No! You'll turn on me like you did before. You're turning back into a fish and that's final." Klaus sighed.
"Okay," He then got an idea and grinned. "But if we go back to CIA headquarters right away, you're be wasting extra time with Francine." Stan realized he was right.
"Okay, you win. But after we get her back, it's back into the fish body." Klaus pumped his fist.
"YES! Ooh, I can pump my fist again, sweet!" He turned calm again. "I mean, whatever you say." Stan turned to Baba and Papa Ling.
"Are you coming?"
"No." Baba Ling answered. Everyone gasped.
"But this is your adopted daughter we're talking about; why won't you come and save her?"
"Because it's with you, that's why! Papa, come! We got work to do at home." She and Papa Ling left the church.
"Okay, I guess it's just us. Now come Team Smith, let's…" Klaus cleared his throat. "And Klaus,"
"Can I come Mr. S?" Jeff asked. "I won't be any trouble." Stan sighed. "And Jeff." Jeff pumped his fist. "Let's go!" So they all left church and drove home in Stan's SUV.
When they neared the bathroom in the house, Stan stopped them.
"Now remember," He told them. "This hot tub is not what you think. It's dangerous and deadly." He took the "Spa Down" Margarite had given him at the store.
"This," He explained. "Is the answer to all of our problems." The family all glared at him.
"Our problem?" Roger scoffed, rolling his eyes. "You bought it. We didn't have anything to do with this so called 'monster hot tub'. We just got hurt when you spend all that time with it instead of us. I think you meant your problem."
"Yeah, yeah. It's all my fault. I should have known that family always comes first, and I'm sorry. But that's not the point. I think that if we all work together, we can shut down this monster hot tub, it'll spit out Francine with this "Spa Down" that the store owner gave me, and perhaps more it had abducted and we can all get on with our lives." He held up the canister. "Now, who's with me?" Before anyone could speak, he concluded "Then let's shut that hot tub down and save my wife!"
They opened the door. The hot tub spotted them.
"Aw Stan!" It greeted. "Welcome!" He then looked at the others. "Oh and I see you brought your entire…f…f…family! How thoughtful. They can join in the party!"
"Not so fast hot tub!" He held up the canister for the hot tub to see. "See this? I'm shutting you down once and for all!"
"Oh, I think not!" It threw its many robotic tube hands at the family. The family all ran screaming, trying to dodge. Unfortunatly, the hands were too fast and each grabbed Steve, Hayley, Jeff and Roger. They all screamed.
"DAD!" Steve yelled. "HELP! I'm too young to die!"
"Yeah Stan." The hot tub said. "Don't be a party pooper! Join your family." The hand grabbed Stan by the legs. Stan dropped the canister by Klaus.
"KLAUS!" Stan cried. "Use the canister to shut down the hot tub! Hurry before it's too late!" Klaus shook his head in fright.
"Sorry." He apologized. "But I just got in this human body and I'm not damaging it. I afraid you're on your own." He left the room. "Auf Wiedersehen losers! I wish you luck!"
"Get back here you backstabbing traitor!"
"Oh don't worry!" The hot tub said. "He's not going anywhere!" The hot tub grabbed Klaus by the legs.
"Nien! My precious body!"
"Serves you right." Stan said. "Now we're all going to die thanks to you, Benedict Arnold!"
"Well, at least I'll die human."
"Steve," Roger told him. "before we die, I just want you to know that it was me who took your I-pod."
"What?" Steve asked madly. "I was going to download KISS on it! You're dead to me Roger!"
"Well we all are going to die anyways, so the outcome would be the same anyways."
"Jeff," Hayley said to him. "I love you."
"I love you too babe." Jeff responded. With that, the two got together and kissed.
"Awe, that's so sweet." The hot tub observed. "Too bad I'm going to have to end it by killing you!" He drew them closer to his mouth.
"This is it," Stan old his family. "Our final minute to live. At least we're dying together as a family. True, it is without Francine, but we're still dying as a family. We'll meet Francine in heaven. Well, I would've been happier if it was without Klaus and Roger."
"Hey!" Roger snapped.
"We heard that!" Klaus added.
The hot tub drew them nearer and nearer. The family all shut their eyes tightly, waiting for the end.
"Hey hot tub!" A familiar voice shouted. They all looked at the Chinese-American couple. It was Baba Ling who shouted. "Nobody takes our daughter and gets away with it!"
"GRANDMA, GRANDPA!" Hayley and Steve cried out.
"Baba Ling!" Stan said. "Thank goodness you and your husband came, now toss me that canister so I can shut down this psyco hot tub and get my wife back!" She picked up the canister by her feet.
"I will shut down this hot tub, but I'm not going to give you all the credit." She gave the canister to her husband.
"Here, shut this crazy thing down so we can get our daughter back." Papa Ling grabbed it and sighed.
"Alright, alright I'll do it lazy wife of mine!" He went over to the hot tub.
"Oh, I don't think so!" The hot tub said. He grabbed Papa Ling by the legs.
"Hey what? Put me down you crazy so I can deactivate you. Stan, catch!" He tossed up the can to Stan. Stan grabbed it and smiled.
"Hot tub," He told it. "Prepare to meet Mr. Spa Down." He quickly sprayed it all over the monster hot tub.
"What? No, nooooooo!" The arms released the prisoners and went down the drain. It coughed up Francine, Principal Lewis and the original owners. They all lay unconscious. Hayley and Steve quickly unplugged the hot tub whose monitor turned off. It now was still, like an ordinarily hot tub. Hayley and Steve looked at their mom who just lay on the floor.
"MOM!" They cried, both rushing to her side.
"Mom!" Steve said, trying to shake her awake. "Come on, wake up. It's okay now; you're free from that monster hot tub. Mom?" He had tears in his eyes. "Mom!" He looked at his sister.
"Is she dead Hayley?" He sniffed. "Is mother dead?" Hayley put her arm around her brother.
"I don't know." She admitted. "I don't know." She let her brother cry in her lap and at the same time she brushed his hair.
"I want mommy!" Steve sobbed.
"So do I." Haley agreed. "So do I."
"This is so sad!" Klaus said with tears in his eyes. "It's like a death scene out of a kiddies movie. I'll never be with Francine!" He burst out crying. Roger rolled his eyes. Jeff went to Hayley's side and bent down to her. Hayley looked at him.
"I'm real sorry about your mom Hayley." He told her. Hayley smiled.
"Thanks Jeff!" She said. Stan went near the kids.
"Would you two mind letting me be with my wife?" Hayley nodded and stood up. She looked back, Steve was still crying over her.
"Come on Steve." She said to him. "It's Dad's turn to be with Mom."
"Okay." The boy got up slowly, He cried as Hayley comforted him. Stan bent down to her wife.
"You know," Papa Ling piped up. "This is still your fault."
"Yeah," Baba added. "All your fault. You are not invited to her funeral."
"That's just fine." Stan told them. He turned back to her wife. "At least I'm with her now. I can say good-bye to her right here."
"Oh Francine, I'm so sorry. I was a jerk. I was so obsessed over this hot tub that I forgot what's most important to me." He took Francine's hand in his. "You and the kids." He was starting developing tears in his eyes. "Frannie, I love you." And with that, he kissed Francine on the lips.
"Please don't make this into Sleeping Beauty." Klaus said. Stan stood up and was about to leave when Francine coughed.
"Stan?" Everyone looked at her and gasped.
"It is like Sleeping Beauty." Roger told Klaus.
"Francine," Stan said, smiling. "You're alive!"
"MOM!" Hayley and Steve cried out, thrilled to see that their mom was all right. Stan helped her up.
"I thought you were dead." Francine smiled.
"Guess not." She responded.
"I'm glad you're not."
"Me too." Stan and Francine kissed each other then. Then Francine hugged her kids.
"You're lucky this time!" Baba said to Stan. "But next time, maybe not so lucky." She and her husband left.
"I love happy endings." Klaus observed.
"You know," Roger told him. "After this, you're going to turn back into a fish." Klaus' smile then turned into a frown.
"Ha!" Roger laughed. "It's not a happy ending to you, and that's how I like it!" Principal Lewis and the other family stood up.
The original owners, a man, a woman, and their kids went towards Stan and Francine. The man offered his hand for Stan to shake.
"Thank you!" He said. Stan and Francine looked at him. "Because of you, my family is finally free from that monster after four years!" Stan shook his hand and smiled.
"Don't mention it." He responded.
The family then left.
"Steve!" Principal Lewis piped up. "You better not mention this to anyone at school on Monday!" Steve looked at him.
"Don't worry Principal Lewis," He told him. "I won't!" I just have to mention it to everyone on Tuesday.
"Good boy Smith!" His principal said. "Good boy, see you Monday!" Steve waved to his principal as he got into his car and drove off.
"See you Monday!"
"Well," Francine started. "Today was very eventful, wasn't it?"
"It sure was sweetie." Her husband agreed. "And I promise I'll never again lose sight of what's most important, my family."
"You better not Stan. You better not."
And they all lived happily ever after.
Klaus: You see? It's ending like a fairy tale.
Roger: Shut up Klaus!