RED DWARF: LISTER IN EQUESTRIA

By

RDK

PART I: WELCOME TO PONYVILLE, LISTER

The mining ship Red Dwarf, slowly drifting in space going anywhere it wills it, for it has been long and far too long to have a purpose in a destination, in fact, millions of years have passed since it had a competent human crew commanding it and mining space for the benefit of Earth, carrying only a small group consisting of a maid android, a holographic image of a vending machine repairman, a feline hybrid with a taste in fashion and the last remaining human in the known universe. Said human, named Lister, has spent his life in Red Dwarf living a juvenile lifestyle of drinking and partying, a careless purpose since he knows there is not much to do in the vast vacuum of space. Lister would at times cure his never ending boredom by logging on into the ship's virtual entertainment system, once designed to educate crew into the many history lessons from Earth's past, now as means of getting Lister laid with many famous figures in said human history. There have been many times when said program would malfunction and then an entire adventure in just trying to get out of said program would leave the rest of the crew wondering why they can't just shut down said machine whenever Lister uses it, for whenever it happens, chaos follows.

This was one of said moments as Lister intentionally would deny his responsibilities inside the ship, something Rimmer hated it so dearly. In fact, Rimmer would hate everything about Lister if only that he was about the only living being inside the ship who knew how to handle it without having to compromise his holographic program, but he would dismiss such things whenever he felt Lister need something to teach him a lesson in responsibility and today it was no exception.

The door opened with a hiss as Rimmer followed closely by a protesting Kryten entered the virtual simulator. In there they found Lister, his body covered mostly in said virtual program's hardware and what Rimmer could identify crumbs of many food stuffs the messy human would bring along no matter where in Red Dwarf he would be stationed. With a sneer, one of his many traits the holographic officer had within his lovely personality, he approached the control system of said virtual simulator. Kryten quickly, or at least as fast as his bulky robotic frame would allow him to, placed a hand on said controls, avoiding Rimmer from whatever it was that he was about to do. Rimmer looked at Kryten still with the same jeery sneer, something Kryten has grown accustomed by ever since he was introduced into the group years ago.

"Sir, I do not thing messing with Lister's current virtual session is advisable. You know what happens everytime we try to pull the plug into whenever he is fantasizing about while hooked into said programs."

At this, they heard Lister's sounds of glee as he was making kissing noises and arms holding an imaginary frame. Rimmer rolled his eyes and opened a drawer within the console's dashboard, browsing through various diskettes of many programs that can be used to interact while hooked into the virtual sessions. Kryten meanwhile was at a loss of what to do, knowing that no matter how much he would try, he could not ever stop Rimmer from getting on with his own devious plans of getting back at Lister. He was also not that worried, often said plans backfired on the hologram, many times ending in the most hilarious of outcomes. Still, he would try to talk sense into him, as futile as it would be.

"Sir, what are you planning to do with that children's program?"

"I am planning to put an end to Lister's obnoxious lack of responsibility and get back to cleaning the vents, Kryten. He has too long been questioning authority and quite frankly, I am fed up with it."

"But sir, as I had stated, doing so while messing with Mister Lister's current virtual session is uncalled for!"

"Oh don't be such a sourpuss Kryten." Said Rimmer as he took out the current diskette and replaced it with the pink-colored one in, overriding whatever program Lister was currently having his devious adventure in. After a few punches into the keyboard, a fizzle sound was heard, followed by smoke from the control panel and then the flashing of red lights, indicating an error on what Rimmer has just done. Kryten rose his arms up in a flailing matter, directing his own panic towards Rimmer, who sat with a pleasant smile as he looked into the monitor reading all the errors said program was currently glitching.

"Mister Rimmer! Have you any idea of what you are doing!"

"I do Kryten, once Lister finds himself with colorful children characters asking him to solve mathematical problems, he will unplug the program himself and come back to his duties. Now come, let's turn on the monitor and see what hilarious adventure our dim witted man-child has put himself into."

"But Mister Lister didn't put himself into said situation you-"

"Now Kryten, hush and enjoy the show." Rimmer turned on all monitor screens which displayed a very colorful world filled with pastel hues and cheery animals prancing by. Moments later the image went out of focus and Lister's frame appeared his face in a confused state as he looked around to see just what has happened. Rimmer crossed his arms still grinning, observing with satisfaction Lister's reaction to the new program that was anything but an adulterous scene where he could exploit it as he pleased.

"Oh, this is going to be good. Kryten prepare some popcorn will you?"

"Sir, you do not have the ability to eat solid foods as Lister and Cat do."

"Just do it."

***

Lister wandered throughout the vast cheerful and bright environment. He somehow knew Rimmer would be behind the sudden change of program while he was having a good time having a one night stand with Princess Guinevere in the Arthurian virtual session. For some reason all the commands he mouthed would not help him get out of said program or shut it off to return to the real world to let Rimmer have it. Sighing, he had no choice but to keep wondering until he could find a way to end this nonsense by finding some sort of manual control within the virtual program as many other times when he and the rest would find themselves trapped in a program in past events. So far however, all he could find was acres and acres of forest, which kept growing darker as he wondered inside a place where he bet wasn't that cheerful anymore as it was when he first popped into this program.

"When I get back, I am gonna make Rimmer work in the virtual garbage disposal lessons." He growled "And not only that, the holographic smeghead will do so scooping tons of waste using his hands and naked too!"

He traversed through woods and bushes, many which seemed tried to catch him by having its vines tangled on his feet and legs. At one time or two, he would encounter packs of wooden wolves, fouls stench coming from their mouths and glowing eyes which would make him uneasy. He wondered just what kind of program Rimmer put him through, being that at first he believed it would be one of these children's disks where he would have to talk to some humanoid wearing a wizard's hat and solving mathematical problems. So far that wasn't' t the case, so having to deal with these virtual monsters was a lot better than having to solve said problems. He found a hut not too far from a field of blue roses. Lister was somehow attracted to the field, wondering what kind of plant this crazy world harvested. He was about to touch one of said roses as he kneeled when he heard a female voice not to far from his position.

"Beware, beware bipedal creature, do not touch the Poison Joke lest you want to end up in its treacherous snare!"

"Who said that?" Lister said, rising from the field and looking around. The only thing besides plants and said flowers he now knew as Poison Joke that was visible there was a small zebra a few steps away from him and field, her face one of concern and amazement at what she was looking at. Lister dismissed the creature, thinking it was just another of the program's curious animals that inhabited the forest.

"I said who's there? I am in a bit of a pickle and trying to find my way out of this stupid children's program! Computer analyze for interacting characters surrounding this area please."

He heard a chirping noise and then looked around. Whenever anyone was lost in a program and seeks for a character that could give info on their current location, a command was used to make said characters glow in a faint yellow color, with a red arrow above their heads indicating they could interact with. Lister scratched his head as said zebra not too far from his position had said glow and arrow above her.

"Well figures," said he, scoffing "this is a child's program after all. Okay then, you zebra or whatever you are here, where am I currently?"

"You are currently in Equestria; in the forest known as Everfree young fellow" said the Zebra, "And this Zebra would appreciate if you were a bit mellow."

"Sorry, I'm just in a bit of a huff here, Miss Zebra." Said Lister, as a matter of fact "I've been put here against my will you see and have no way knowing where I can find my way back. Everfree forest you say? Equestria? Sounds quite fancy."

"Call me Zecora if you please, and no, The Everfree is no fancy place in any way." She stated with concern "If you are indeed lost, then I am the one to lead the way."

"Alright then Zecora, lead the way."

***

Meanwhile aboard the Red Dwarf, Rimmer had a nice giggly fit as he monitored Lister roaming with a cute zebra that he now knew as Zecora.

"Oh this is marvelous, so marvelous. Our little Lister finally traveling in his own element. I am so enjoying this."

"Sir, just how long do you plan in keeping Mister Lister inside the program?" Demanded Kryten in a courteous manner.

"Just long enough until the math problems come about Kryten," Rimmer smirked "Until I see Lister curl in a fetal position the way he does when he's hammered and crying over his lost days when he partied like it was the end of the universe back at school in fact."

"You intend to enjoy seeing him suffer don't you sir."

"Indeed I do Kryten." Rimmer admitted, resting his arms behind his head on the chair. He rested his feet on the dashboard, unknowingly pressing a few buttons and keys as he did so. A monitor on the blindside of their position blinked on, covering its screen with flashing red letters.

WARNING, LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY ALTERED. INITIATING DARK HORSE PROTOCOL.

***

Lister was directed by Zecora to the outskirts of a cheerful looking little town as soon as he was out of the Everfree Forest, which was a relief to him since he was getting tired of cautiously passing through things and animals without having to use normal steps to continue forward. Not that he did not mind Zecora's advice, just wanted to get out of the entire thing as soon as he could. Zecora stopped near a board with the word PONYVILLE painted in bright red against amber wood.

"Over there my friend is Ponyville, finding your way home would be easier by socializing with other ponies and having your fill."

"Ponyville, gotcha. Ponies you say? Don't you suppose there may be others that look like me around?"

"I don't think there are such around," Zecora replied after thinking about it briefly "But I assure you these ponies are quite safe and sound."

As she finished her rhyme, Lister heard a high pitched scream and a few explosions coming from said peaceful looking town. He then directed his attention back at Zecora.

"You were saying?"

"The Pony you must seek is Twilight Sparkle in the library; she is more likely so make haste before you believe the contrary. Farewell."

With that she turned back to the forest as Lister stood scratching his head. He wondered if the rest of the characters on the program would rhyme as well, or probably even speak to him in riddles this time. He hoped to find this Twilight Sparkle to be more informative about his problem though, therefore he ventured into the town ahead to seek for said library. As soon as he did, the ambience around him changed to that of a more cheerful tone in lieu of what he has experienced thus far, seeing bright, colorful little horses as far as his eyes could see, not unlike the zebra he met moments ago. He noticed some buildings stood out from the rest as he walked by, some shaped like confections, others like merry go around, all in all a good place for a kid to visit no less.

"I got to get outta here." He sighed as he nearly missed a pony dashing past him. The only thing he watched was a blur of blue and rainbow colors, before he could make out anything else she was gone out of sight. It seemed that while Zecora took notice of who or what he was, many here paid little to no attention at all, going on about their business. He was sure to find said library, it seemed everything here gathered into the center of the town, but just to make sure, he decided to approach the nearest pony character he could get some information about it just in case. As so it happened there was such pony nearby, a bright pink colored one singing as she was tying balloons to a lamppost. He decided not to bother finding out how a creature with no hands was able to do such task as he approached her.

"...fun fun fuuuuun, in the sun sun suuuuun!"

"Excuse me, could you perhaps help me where the library could be?"

The pony made a quick turn with a hop immediately stopping to answer him, but the moment she saw him she jumped with a loud gasp and made a run for it. Lister groaned slapping his sides as he looked around to see if any other character that didn't looked too cheerful might help instead. A faint yet strong call from nearby caught his attention, seeing a cart full of apples and an orange pony in a cowboy hat holding one of them on her hoof, cheerfully trying to sell to whoever might have their interest in the fruit. Lister decided her to be the next pony to ask; hopefully he would get more results than what he tried at first. Before he arrived another pony approached said cart, buying a bag filled with apples from the orange pony. He waited with as much patience as he muster until he had a chance to talk to her, then approached the cart, this time a bit more cautiously. The pony noticed him and a bright smile on her face as she offered him an apple.

"Howdy there, care to buy some apples? Best in the land ah promise."

"Uh no thanks, but thanks for the offer. Might you tell me where the library is located however?"

"Oh, sure thing! Right over there passing some buildings and to your left. You can't miss it."

"Thanks."

He directed himself according to what she said, passing said buildings and making a turn as told. He arrived at what he believed was the place, but unlike most buildings in the town, there was nothing more than a huge tree in the middle of a street, albeit having windows around its tremendous sized trunk. Lister looked around for anything resembling a library according to what he always has seen when looking for one, again scratching his head about this inconvenience. Fortunately for him there were more of said ponies resting on a bench near said tree, he near them to ask them for more directions. He noticed that while one of said ponies, a cream colored one, was laying on said bench the way a cat would, the other one, colored in green, was perfectly fine sitting as a human being would. Again, Lister bothered not to ask anything about it, just wanting to get to the point. He asked both about the location of said library, the green unicorn pointed right at the tree he just passed. Lister rolling his eyes thanked them and headed back to it. Of course it had to be in the shape of a huge tree, this was a kids' program after all. He circled the place until he found a door with a sign on the side, having a book painted on it. Lister made his way inside, opening the door and lowering his head a bit, places here seemed shorter than his frame he noticed. Once inside he looked around seeing shelves of books all around, as well as a library should look like. Some furniture around as well he noticed, although not sure if anything would be able to support his rather large frame in contrast to anything suited to anyone younger than him. He kept wandering around until he found a book on a table. Seeing that no one was around and he was getting quite bored, he shrugged and took a look at it, curious to see what anyone who gets transported here supposedly can read. He picked up the book and looked at the bright letters on the cover.

"Basic things to do in Equestria Chronicles, Tips and Tricks."

"The very basics to start no less."

He blinked and took attention from said book to see who was referring to him, noticing a purple unicorn smiling at him from what he surmised was a balcony near the ceiling of the tree-shaped library.

"You must be Twilight Sparkle then?"

"The one and only. Welcome to Ponyville unregistered user!"

"Unregistered user?" Lister asked getting a sense of confusion at the chosen words. He saw her nodding with glee and then in a flash of purple light teleported right in front of him, something Lister wasn't prepared for as he nearly dropped the book from his hands. Twilight Sparkle giggled at the notion as she looked up at him this time.

"Everyone always does that. So care to register your name for starters and begin your adventure in Ponyville?"

"Uh no thanks, actually I am not trying to have an adventure," he tried to explain "I was brought here by accident, I simply want to sign out the program...wait, you know this isn't a real world you are in?"

"All questions you have will be answered as soon as you are registered to fully participate in the program new user!"

"Sigh, alright, alright...let's see...register user Lister then."

"User now known as Lister. What is your age Lister?"

"My age? Why would you want to know that?"

"Setting the age will calibrate the difficulty on which you may play the game of course." Twilight replied with a grin. Lister thought about it, and maybe saying such might be easier to get by in the game until he found a way to shut it down and come back to knock the bollocks out of Rimmer at last. He proceeded to state his age which again, Twilight Sparkle processed it and then all of the sudden, the area around him seemed to distort a bit, walls quivering and coming back in shape. Lister looked back at Twilight Sparkle after noticing this.

"What in the name of smeg was that?"

"User Lister, age 16. Registration fully completed."

"Wait, I didn't say my age was sixteen!"

Twilight Sparkle shook his head as if she came out of some sort of headache she was having the whole time, Lister noticed she was behaving quite differently now than at first, less like an automated being in fact.

"Yes, I know. But the program's age limit is 16. Anyone older than such would be immediately logged off since there are no programs any adult would find hard to solve."

"Well, if that is the case," Lister proceeded "then why am I still here?"

"Good question! And as for the first question you mentioned earlier, yes, I am aware you are in a children's program." Twilight smiled as her horn glowed with the same purple aura Lister saw before she teleported, levitating his book from his hands and opening up in a selected chapter for him to read. He saw her with confusion as she kept explaining.

"I am sure you already knew me, somepony must've mentioned you to visit here first right?"

"Well, a zebra but yeh, that is right, how do you know all this?"

"That must've been Zecora. She is programmed to seek any user that may end up in Everfree Forest if they are not ready to go to said location or in your case, are unregistered. This library is the central point of all the game, where you get your basic info and rules on how to behave and complete tasks as long as you stay in Ponyville. You can store Data and achievements and then resume your quest later if you wish to. Now as to why someone your age has been allowed to be here and not been booted back out I am not quite sure...but I am sure we can find out if that is what you require, I will be your guide until you feel comfortable on your own!"

"Actually Twilight, I was wondering if you knew then how to log me out, it may be easier to do than anything else right now."

"Of course, if that is what you wish for, then you are in the right place to do so!" Twilight Sparkle then closed her eyes as her horn once again glowed momentarily. Then it fizzled and went out like a candle when blown on. She blinked and looked back at Lister quite surprised.

"What happened?"

"Well this may be a bit embarrassing, but I can't seem to log you out at this moment."

"What? Why?"

"It seems whoever logged you in has set the settings into lockdown until said user decides is proper for you to get out. Sorry."

Lister raised his arms in the air as he shouted up the heavens of the cheerfully pony world he was now stuck in for now...if not for a long, long time.

***
Back in reality aboard the Red Dwarf, Rimmer kept his vile smirk as he saw Lister writhe in agony once he found his own demise. He set the program into lockdown and only he would have the code to get him out and no one else. His plans to break Lister down for his irresponsible behavior was paying off and he was quite satisfied with the events thus far displayed onscreen. The door to the virtual room hissed opened as Kryten stepped inside.

"Sir, if you are down torturing Mister Lister, may I state for the fifth time that dinner is ready. I made your favorite, holographic pistachio soup with a glass of red wine and some crackers for you to munch at your obnoxious desire."

"Ah yes, quite the feast to celebrate my achievement, thank you Kryten. I shall be there in a moment."

"Quite." Kryten said as he shook his head and walked out once more. Rimmer then keyed in some more codes to further Lister's misery as he saw fit, and walked out the room himself making little hops on his way to dinner. After the door closed, the screens all went black once more as more letters appeared on them, promps of things set by him to start in the program.

SYSTEM CALIBRATION FAILURE. CANNOT COMPLY WITH COMMANDS. USER LISTER IN PERMANENT LOCK WITHIN EQUESTRIA CHRONICLES. RESUMING PROTOCOL DARK HORSE ALREADY IN PROGRESS_

The screen again went dark as two glowing red eyes briefly appeared, then the program resumed with Lister inside.

-

END OF PART I