The House of Hundun:

"Tell me why we're here again, Rak?" asked Phelis, his face an irritated scowl.

"Because we were hired for a mission and require a guide," explained the Tauren that towered over him. "And you were the one who insisted on coming along. No one is forcing you to accompany me."

"As though I'd let you meet some stranger at some bar in these…slums," said Phelis disdainfully as he glanced around. This has 'trap' written all over it."

"Maybe, but it was a request from an old friend. I could hardly decline. Besides, you both know that the Council could use the work, and I sensed the Earthmother's approval for this particular venture," he said, patting his totem affectionately.

"If you insist…" relented Phelis as he scanned their surroundings for possible threats, knowing that just because he saw none didn't mean there weren't any.

"Relax," the Tauren Elder assured him. "It's Ratchet, we'll be fine."

"You should never feel safe when you're going to a shady bar in a neutral port with alliance naval forces just a few miles away," explained Phelis as the two made their way through the goblin town.

"I realize that, and that's why I'm glad that you insisted on coming along," said Rakhalen with a grin. "Ah, here we are: the Broken Keel Tavern. Seems like a reputable establishment, don't you think?" Phelis remained silent, and the Tauren chuckled to himself as they walked inside.

The tavern was shabby, even by goblin standards, with only a few tables in the center of building's only room, with cots and sleeping mats lined up against the walls so that customers wouldn't have to move far to get from their beer to their beds. The patrons were mostly off duty peons and marines, which gave the room a tense atmosphere as Horde and Alliance stared each other down from safe distances, each group warily eyeing the goblin bruisers that kept the peace.

"Okay, we're here," said Phelis as he scanned the room, taking note of far more possible threats than he was comfortable with. "Now let's find the guy, get the information you need, and get out."

"Fair enough," agreed Rakhalen . "Ah, and I think I have found him." He waded into the tavern and headed for the far wall, an anxious Phelis following on his heels and keeping a watchful eye on every movement in the building.

Rakhalen approached a large figure sitting alone at a table with a large keg of beer. His back was turned to them, and he wore a large, wide brimmed hat that obscured his face, so Phelis was unable to get a good look at him. "Excuse me, sir," asked Rakhalen as he approached the figure. "Are you by chance Sujian Hundun?"

"Hmm? Yes?" mumbled the man as he turned around, and Phelis was mildly surprised to see that his face was like that of a chubby bear's, with black and white fur covering his face and long, braided whiskers dangling from his upper lip and chin. "What can old Hundun do for you, Mr. Ox?"

"My name is Rakhalen Grimtotem," the Tauren introduced himself. "And this is my associate Phelis Sholondraes. We were hoping that you could help us with a job we've been hired to perform."

"Ah, yes yes, I see," said Hundun as he lifted the large keg as though it were nothing, pouring its remaining contents into his mouth before wiping his wet lips with a large black paw. "You need talk to me, no? I done here, and you seem nice fellow. Come with Hundun back home, have dinner at house."

"Oh, I don't mean to intrude, sir, I would just like to ask you—"

"Please, Hundun insist," said the Pandaren as he stood up gingerly, both the bench and his knees creaking loudly. "Was supposed to be home hour ago, bringing guests will make wife forget. Feed you good food and tea, you enjoy."

"Rak," whispered Phelis into his companion's ear. "I'd really rather not follow a stranger into what could very well be an ambush."

"Relax, Phelis," said Rakhalen dismissively before turning back to Hundun. "We'd be delighted to."

"Good, good," said Hundun as he ambled past them towards the door. "House just outside Ratchet, in hills. Small house, shabby garden, but no tell wife I said that. She loves her garden, even if it mostly just rock and weeds."

"I'll try not to," Phelis half grumbled as he followed both of the larger men out of the bar, painfully aware of the many stares the group attracted from the human patrons as they left.

The house was close by in the hills on the port town's outskirts, and as they approached the house, Hundun leaned towards them and said in a hushed voice, "Be careful of the wife, she is very mean and evil creature. I remember when I first come to Kalimdor, see a troll flying around on big leathery creature. I became very frightened, shouted 'Lin has learned to fly!' until someone told me it was not wife but bat. But still, frightening idea having wife who could fly."

"Um…"

"But be at ease, guests, for wife cannot fly, and runs very slow, so you are safe," he assured them as he wrapped a massive paw around the door handle and pulled it open. "Lin-lin, I am home!"

"Why you home so late!" came the reply in a loud, shrill voice that was still menacing enough to be called a roar. "You only now come back from market? Where groceries? You spend all your time and money in bar again, didn't you?"

"Please, Lin, settle down," said Hundun as he stepped inside and held the door open. "We have guests."

"Greetings," said Rakhalen and Phelis politely as they stepped inside.

"Oh, guests? You why bring guests and not tell me?" yelled the female Pandaren as she brushed her hands off on her apron and started to busily rearrange some of the clutter in the small shack. "House so dirty, no time to clean! Should have warned me first!"

"Sorry, my love," said Hundun sheepishly as he sat in a sturdy chair at the table. "Was unexpected surprise. Can you put on a pot of tea for guests?"

"Oh, yes, yes, where are manners?" said Lin-lin as she moved a small kettle on top of the hot stove. "Please, ox and elf, take seat. Make selves comfortable while I heat tea."

"That is very kind of you," said Rakhalen as he lowered himself into the chair and was pleased to find that it held his weight easily, though he shouldn't have been surprised; despite being shorter by about a head, he suspected that both Pandaren weighted almost as much as he did. Lin-lin was just as portly as her husband, though she moved through the small kitchen section of the one room house with a grace that belied her size. "Phelis, please, relax, take a seat."

"If you insist," said the elf warily as he sat down in the remaining seat, noting for some odd reason that the table was almost a foot thick and unfortunately almost came up to his shoulders. He scanned the room quickly and noticed several kitchen knives, including one impressively large and well-worn one that could have easily chopped through bone, but otherwise detected no overt threats inside the hovel.

"So, you have questions for Hundun, yes?" asked the Pandaren as they waited for the tea to warm.

"Yes, indeed," said Rakhalen as he cleared his throat. "We were hired by our employer to conduct some…business that requires us to travel to Pandaria, and we were told that you could help us as a guide in reaching the continent."

"Yes, yes, I see," said Hundun thoughtfully as he stroked his beard. "Pandaria very secluded island, very hard to get to."

"So we've heard," remarked Phelis.

"Would you be willing to help us?" asked Rakhalen.

"Oh, yes, yes, I would be happy to, but you see…" Hundun was interrupted by the loud whistle of the teakettle. "Oh! Tea is ready! Lin, please, a cup for me and each of our guests." They waited patiently as the housewife removed the kettle from the stove and set three small round mugs down on the table, filling each one in turn with steaming hot tea.

"Trust me, she might not look it, but very good at making tea," said Hundun proudly as he took the cup in his paw and raised it to his lips, breathing on it lightly to cool the steaming liquid. "One of the few great pleasures in life is being able to drink tea made by a loving wife, don't you agree?"

"Um…of course," agreed Rakhalen awkwardly. "Something made with the loving care of a lifemate is always delicious."

"Ah, you are very wise, ox. Yes, truly delicious," said Hundun as he nodded sagely and took his first sip. "…WOMAN?" he shouted suddenly as he slammed his cup back down on the table. "What you put in tea? Are you trying to poison me?"

"No poison," growled his wife as she set the kettle on the table. "Is fish liver oil, good for digestion."

"How can it be good for digestion if it make me want to throw up?"

"Because then you get all that foul beer out of stomach!" she yelled back.

"Evil woman!" He declared with a roar. "That waste of money! Make me have to go buy more beer!"

"Do not talk about waste of money!" she snarled back. "What bout that weird metal barrel you buy from goblin?"

"It is better kettle for brewing beer! Good investment, you see! I show you one day!"

"So you want be brewer now instead of just drunk! You not real brewer, Chen Stormstout real brewer! I should have listened to mother and married him! He famous hero, you fat lazy nothing!"

"Lying woman! You never met Chen Stormstout once in life! And even if you had, he is old enough to be your son! You are dirty old lady!"

"At least he would have given me son, unlike you!"

"Your memory is like bad boat, full of holes! I give you three sons, they all run away because you try feed them tea with fish poison in it!"

"It is good for digestion!"

"Um…excuse me…" said Phelis, and the couple seemed to remember that they were not alone in the room.

"Ah, sorry, my apologies," said Hundun with an embarrassed grin. "You married so long, you fall into routine. Ours involves yelling."

"Lots of yelling," added his wife as she turned to chopping the ham into slices with a giant meat cleaver, each blow landing with a loud thunk that made Phelis's reflexes twitch.

"So, please, honored guests," said Hundun as he poured them each a cup of tea. "How can old Hundun help you?"

"We are on a very important mission and need to travel to the land of Pandaria," explained Rakhalen as he picked up a cup of the tea. "We have heard many things about you and were hoping that you could guide us there."

"Ah," sighed Hundun as his eyes stared daydreamingly at the ceiling, completely missing Rakhalen's grimace as he sipped the tea. "The old homeland. I have not been there in many years, but often in my dreams…Maybe one day…"

"We should go there soon," said his wife as she tossed the sliced meat into a pot and began chopping vegetables. "My mother is in Pandaria. Would be nice to visit her for once."

"Your mother is nasty old hag!" shouted Hundun, suddenly filled with anger and hints of fear. "She like demon! No, she worse than demon, and very very old! Back in War of Ancients, when Burning Legion invade, great demon lord saw your mother and ran back into twisting nether for safety! And now she come over and eat all my meat and drink all my beer! Very evil woman!"

"Like your family any better!" yelled Lin, and Hundun growled angrily.

"How dare you talk about my family! I come from long line of prestigious monks and brewers!"

"Ha! Who you kid? Your father was just farmer, and very bad one! Could not even grow weeds!"

"You try growing crops on top of turtle, see how easy that is!"

"Was still easier than having garden in this desert, and still I make front of home beautiful!"

"Beautiful? Bah!" scoffed Hundun as he spat into a pot near the wall. "I do not even think those are weeds in front of our house, just rocks you scared into looking like plants!"

"If I could scare things into being more useful, I would have made you into respectable husband years ago!"

"Ah-ha! Disrespectful woman! See? Do you see, guests! This is what I have to live with every day of life, this mean, cruel woman who feels me soup that taste like sand!"

"You need more minerals in your diet! You eat very unhealthy, drink even worse! Fat, lazy husband maybe bad, but dead one no good!" She turned to the guests now and fixed them with an angry glare. "You see how he trick me, take away best years of life? I am no longer young, cannot find better husband!" She paused, sighing heavily for a few long moments as though releasing all her anger. "Life was better back when we lived on turtle…"

Rakhalen blinked for a few seconds, trying to process the statement. "Um…excuse me," he finally said. "What?"

"Oh, she is just talking about when we were young and lived on the great island turtle that swims the seas," said Hundun calmly as he laid back in his chair, his paws rubbing his protruding belly. "Ah, those were golden years, full of youth and happiness."

"You lived…on the back…of a giant turtle?"

"Of course," said Lin matter-of-factly. "Why you think we not in Pandaria anymore? Of course we come from turtle."

" I…find that hard to believe…" admitted Rakhalen.

"Why?" asked the woman. "Whole world on back of turtle, why not island on back of turtle?" A silence descended on the room, seeming for freeze everything in place for a few moments.

"…What?" blurted Rakhalen finally. "Are you saying that you lived on a giant turtle…that was riding on the back of a giant turtle?"

"What, you slow between ears?" asked Lin, her anger returning as quickly as it had dissipated. "Am I not speaking loud enough? Of course that what I say!" She punctuated the last sentence by slamming her cleaver into the table, burying it at least two inches into the wood.

"I just…but then what is the bigger turtle riding on?"

"Another turtle, obviously," scoffed the woman as she tugged the cleaver free in one pull, leaving a deep gash in the table that Phelis observed was one of many.

"If you say so, ma'am," said the elf as he tried to calm the situation, and Hundun chuckled heartily.

"Excuse my wife," he said. "She believes silly things. I know world not like that, because when you travel across oceans, you see that world actually round, so of course it cannot be on back of turtle, which is flat."

"Well, yes, that would be one reason," started Rakhalen.

"Yes, see, wife? Wise ox agree! World round, so obvious not on back of turtle, but inside turtle."

"You crazy old man! How that ever happen? World too big!"

"Was swallowed long ago by giant turtle when world was still growing and very small!"

"Worlds do not grow, you old fool! Your story make no sense, no proof! What, is sky lining of stomach and ocean the juices?"

"Laugh all you want, woman, but you want proof? Look at sun! It just like big bright gallbladder!"

"How you know? You have never even seen a gallbladder! You never cook animal for yourself, always make me do, you lazy old man!"

"I would, but you no let me touch knife! How I supposed to cut animal meats without knife?"

"Of course I never let you touch knife! This was my mother's knife! If you even tried to touch it, she would rise out of grave and kill me for insult!"

"See! You agree! Your mother is cursed!"

"Please, sir, madam?" asked Phelis hopefully as he tried to calm the shouting couple down. "If we could just get back to what we were talking about earlier?"

"You want know where Pandaria is, yes?" said Lin. "You better off asking wind. Husband has no sense of direction, get you lost in own bedroom."

"I would not get lost in bedroom if you cleaned it more!"

"Oh, so my cleaning not good enough for you? Why you no go sleep outside in dirt then!"

"Ha! That would be comfort, to sleep outside! Bed here like mountain, very uncomfortable! You use too much starch, hard as rock! I would prefer nice soft dirt!"

"Good, then you sleep outside tonight! See I care!"

"Maybe I will, but after dinner!" shouted Hundun, and the two Pandaren stared each other down silently before the wife shrugged and turned back to her cooking.

"See? Good wife, always knows what most important: not fighting, but food." He grinned merrily, and Rakhalen tried politely to return the expression. "Still, I feel sorry for you, ox."

"Why?" asked Rakhalen curiously.

"Because," he said, glancing around the room warily before saying in a hushed tone. "You have such ugly wife." It took Rakhalen a few moments to process the words, and then a few more to double-check that he had heard correctly.

"Um…Excuse me?" was all he was able to say in reply.

"My wife might be screeching, nagging woman, but least she very sexy, yes?" Rakhalen stared at Hundun for a few seconds, then turned and looked at Lin. While he was never the first to judge the beauty of another species, the Pandaren woman was still, beyond the obvious signs of age, what he would have politely called plump in the best of circumstances, even when compared to Tauren women.

"Um…" Rakhalen tried to say, his words failing him as he fought to maintain politeness. "Forgive me if I don't, but—"

"Her feet very small, no?" said Hundun with a sly wink. "Like tiny baby's. Could not be smaller if crushed between rocks." Hundun grinned wickedly at the shaman, who stared at him as though he were an ogre in a top hat.

"Ah…yes…I…suppose so…"

"Me tell you this truth of life," said Hundun, leaning in close as he whispered secretly. "Having beautiful wife is worth all misery in world long as you have good ale, yes?"

"Right…" said Rakhalen halfheartedly. "But…um, sir? I don't think you've ever met my lifemate…So how can you call her ugly?"

"What you say? Of course I meet!" insisted the Pandaren as he waved his arm to Rakhalen's other side. "She sitting right there!" If he had not been covered in fur, the color would have drained from the Tauren's face.

"Um…that's…HE's not my wife," stammered Rakhalen embarrassingly. "He's—"

"PHELIS SHOLONDRAES!" yelled someone loudly from outside the house. "WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! COME OUT NIGHT AND QUIET AND WE'LL TRY TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD AS PAINLESSLY AS POSSIBLE!"

Phelis's gaze darkened as he glared at the window. "Dammit," cursed Rakhalen. "How did they find us?"

"Probably the same way we found him," said Phelis calmly as he cocked his head at Hundun. "I wouldn't be surprised if someone made up the entire job just to set this up."

"What happening?" asked Hundun worriedly. "Who set what up?"

"Could be any number of people," said Phelis as he stood up and stalked over to the window, his hand straying to his knife belt. "My money is on Scarlet, however. She never gets sick of screwing with me like this."

"It seems they're after you, which is funny: wasn't the point of you coming along to keep me out of trouble?" asked Rakhalen with a sarcastic snort.

"Just be quiet and get your totems ready," said Phelis as he pressed his back against the wall next to the window and peered outside cautiously. "Looks like we're surrounded. Has to be at least ten…maybe a dozen of them, and probably a sniper hiding in the scrub on one of the hills. Dammit, Rak, this is what I warned you about."

"What is problem?" asked Lin-lin as she tried to peer out the window, but Phelis motioned her away.

"There's some people who are after me," he explained calmly. "Stay back and hopefully you won't get involved. They're only after me, and possibly the Elder."

"Bah, nonsense," said Hundun as he rose to his feet and grabbed a long, sturdy polestaff that was leaning against the wall. "You are guest, Hundun take care of this for you."

"Sir, I don't think you—"

"Sit, elf," ordered Lin-lin, her immense knife in hand. "You let husband take care of. Only thing he good for."

"Thank you, wife," said Hundun as he picked up a large jug by the door and, to Phelis's horror, walked outside. "Hello, friends!" he yelled. "What business have you here?"

"The hell are you?" one of them yelled back. "Where's Sholondraes?"

"I no know who you talk about," said Hundun as he staggered forward unsteadily, uncorking the jug of booze with his teeth and pouring the contents into his gullet as he walked.

"I think he's drunk, boss," said one of the thugs.

"Then go take him out!" yelled the first voice, and Phelis gritted his teeth as one of the thugs walked towards Hundun. The alcohol had worsened the Pandaren's stagger, and he didn't seem to notice the large warclub that was being raised to crack open his skull.

"Phelis…" said Rakhalen uneasily. "Do something."

"Like what?" asked the elf. "You didn't let me bring anything other than my knives, remember?" They watched in silent horror as the thug brought his mace down hard…

…Only for the Pandaren to sway to the side at the last minute, leaving the weapon to crash through empty air into the dirt as Hundun brought his staff around into his attacker's skull. Hardwood cracked against bone, and the human fell to the ground like a limp ragdoll.

"You dare to assault the House of Sujian Hundun!" roared the Pandaren in challenge as he brandished his staff, twirling it around him with the grace of a seasoned expert. "Then come! Come and face me!" Silence followed his challenge, and then another attack charged forward with a battlecry, only for Hundun to nimbly dodge his attack and, with another crack like thunder, a second body was added to the pile.

"Don't just sit there, Morty!" yelled the gang's leader when he saw his other man go down. "Shoot him!"

Phelis spotted movement on a hill overlooking the house and saw that a dwarf had stood up out of the tall grass, his musket aiming for the Pandaren armed with only a staff and a cotton tunic. But before the elf could make a move, a surge of lightning shot across the field and caught the dwarf square in the chest, knocking him back and sending him tumbling down the hill. Phelis turned from the sniper to the doorway, expecting to see Rakhalen entering the fray, but instead saw Lin-lin striding into her front yard, lightning crackling around her fist as she gripped her massive cleaver in one paw.

"You! Fools!" she roared, teeth bared and snarling with rage. "Get out of my garden, you ruin it! You know how long I work make so beautiful?" The attackers simply stared at the two Pandaren for a few moments, one covered in lightning and the other casually taking massive gulps from a jug of booze, too afraid to act.

"Dammit!" yelled the gang's leader. "It's only two damned furbolg! Get them!" His underlings hesitated at first, then they all charged at the old couple at once, each screaming with their weapons raised.

"Do you think we should help them?" asked Rak uncertainly as the attackers neared Hundun and Lin-lin.

"Who, the thugs?"