He didn't always feel this way when he looked in the mirror. Loki didn't always twist and turn to see every angle, inspecting any and every imperfection. It wasn't always bad, there used to be good times too. Times where he could eat, and not want to die, or hold a knife and not wish to pierce his skins with it. Loki wasn't always messed up.
The problem was he just couldn't remember those times anymore. They were so far away, buried under so much self hatred and loathing, that to even attempt to find them was more painful than anything he could inflict upon himself.
When did it start? Was it when Sif commented on how much he was eating after a particularly hard training? Or when the medic in the hospital wing of the castle mentioned he gained quite a bit?
No one ever said anything to Thor! He ate three times as much as Loki did, even when Loki indulged himself.
It wasn't an addiction at first. He just ate more vegetables, less meat and dessert. Exercising more with Thor, Sif, and the Warriors Three. Everything was normal and just him getting healthy.
At first.
Then, it changed to smaller portions, more water. Only water, no food, and constant training. Oh he accidently ate a dessert? Then he slipped and dropped his dagger, onto his thigh or wrist. Just to show him what happened when he ate so much.
What made it worse, he thinks, is that nobody noticed, for the longest time. When he started skipping meals, who asked him why? When he did attend meals but ate nothing and only picked at his food, who said anything? No one. No one noticed for such a long time. That's why it got so bad he tells himself, nobody saw it so how could he know it to be wrong?
Loki doesn't see it as a disease, or addiction, or what have you, he simply sees it as a habit. Not a detrimental habit.
They call him delusional for his reasoning, saying that it has no meaning. He's killing himself they tell him, but he knows it not true. He eats Idunns apples, the same as they do, he cannot die. Not over something as trivial as FOOD. Or lack thereof.
Now he sits in the dining hall with his family and they all watch him. He cannot leave until he eats, but they do not understand. He can't eat, it's too difficult, and when they ask why he stumbles. He isn't quite sure why that simple question that they have been asking from the begging suddenly makes him stop and think.
As he looks away ashamed for reasons he doesn't want to acknowledge, he knows it's his fault they ion in the first place.
The day they found out, started normally. He didn't eat breakfast with them; he just quietly sipped his water in bed before he got up to continue with his morning routine. As he walked to the bathroom, he felt odd, not entirely steady he reached out for the counter just as he vomited up his water and, something else.
He kept vomiting, over and over. Soon he became aware of the blood on the ground. He was vomiting blood, and a lot of it. It was everywhere, and that's when Loki panicked and called for help.
He doesn't remember much after that, but one memory is clear before he faded into his mind. He saw is brother's face, looking completely horrified.
He knows why. Not only was Thor forced to see his baby brother puking blood but also saw him without his glam ours. Without them he was skin and bone. Nothing but pale and grey skin pulled taut over his brittle bones. Plus all the little lines on the top of his thighs. He didn't even want to get started on that though.
When he woke up is the hospital wing, his whole family had been there, waiting for him to wake. It was easily one of the worst experiences of his life. They didn't understand and he didn't have anything to say. He couldn't say anything, nothing that they would believe anyway.
Apparently what had happened according to the medics was because he nothing in it his stomach was eating itself.
They forced nutrients into him with some of their magic but he needed to start eating or more permanent damage was going to occur.
Now, weeks later, at the dinner table, staring at him waiting, Odin starts to speak.
"Your mother and I have discussed what is to be done with you", he says while looking at Loki intently.
"Until you are healthy and sane once more, you will be going with Thor to Midgard."
Loki sputtered but before he could get any words out his father continued, "You will be staying with his Midgard friends and will have constant surveillance. Your magic will also be suppressed until you are responsible enough to handle it once more", he said.
He sat there for a moment before finally saying the first thing that came to his mind, and looking back they were not his best choice, nor his most intelligent sounding.
"Hell. Fucking. No."
Well, that was expected.