It's been a week since he received the news and he decided maybe going on that holiday with Kevin and Anita wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
He spends the days staring at the scenery from his hotel room, and the nights either blankly staring at the ceiling above him or sobbing quietly into his pillowcase, and he only hears Liv's "Not very metal, Rich," running through his head, and sometimes it's "Everything is so beautiful."
He wants to argue that point; that nothing is beautiful anymore, not without her. That flowers make him think of the flowers in her hair the day she got into the accident. That the sun reminds him of the fact that she'll never see it again. That the only beauty in his life was taken away in a split second and he wasn't even there to stop it.
But the only person he could argue the point with isn't there, so he doesn't.
It's not a holiday at all really, just an escape. Just him running from the pain that still managed to find him. But it's a hell of a lot better than having to see everyone who ever loved Grace grieving over it too.
On his first day back he sees her everywhere. In his literature teacher who hugs him and tells him how brave he is, when he knows he isn't. He's a total coward.
He sees her in Alo who pounces on him from behind as soon as he sits down, whispering over and over again "I missed you so much," and he wishes he could whisper those words to Grace. He already does, except it's not really her.
He sees her in Mini and Liv who refuse to talk to each other because neither of them can face each other for the same reason he went away for so long; because they'll see her in each other. Their trio torn apart.
He sees her in this new guy, Alex that Liv's taken to trailing behind, always trying to help everyone, just like she would.
In Franky, because it's thanks to her he ever met Grace.
Even in Nick because Nick makes him think of Matty and Matty inevitably would make him think of Grace.
They tell him they're sorry, but it doesn't work. Nothing does. They tell him it'll be fine. He won't. They say he'll eventually move on, find another girl like Grace. No one in his mind can ever compare.
Alo rings him one day and tells him to get down to some bar where Liv and Alex are and he reluctantly hauls himself off the bed and to this place where strobe lights are too bright and music is too loud.
He stays because the alcohol makes him feel a little lighter and takes away just a bit of the strain in his chest that's stayed with him for the past few months, and because everyone's laughing for the first time tonight, even if it's not genuine it's probably the best he's seen them.
Until Nick arrives and tells them about Matty, and he can't deny that a fraction of his heart drops right through his stomach when he yells about Matty not being the reason Grace died.
Everyone's mood turns sour while he stays the same; hollow and empty for the most part. A tinman indeed. But no one notices, and he's actually pretty thankful for that, he never liked much attention anyway. They're all absorbed in their own little bubbles and messed up relationships, while he's just Rich.
Liv's face drops, Alex looks confused, Alo too, Mini gets angry and says something that tightens the feeling in his chest again. "Why don't you give Rich a grand, hey Nick? Give him a grand and get Gracie back? You like that, Rich?"
"Don't Mini, just don't," and he means it too, he doesn't need this, none of them need this.
"Rich, he didn't kill her," Nick says and he nearly wants to yell at all of them, he wants to scream at them all to shut up, to stop playing this blame game of who killed Grace because it doesn't matter anymore, because either way she's still dead.
"Nick, I don't care," he begins. He doesn't want to care. So he chooses not to. "And this, just leave me out of it, alright?"
Franky blows up, Nick leaves, and the mild happiness is gone again.
He goes home that night feeling the same way he did before he left the house.
He buries himself in books and tells himself that she would have wanted him in a good university with a bright future ahead of him.
One day Alo sits him down when he's not surrounded by highlighters and textbooks for a change and frowns at him for a little too long. "What,"
"Mate, you can't keep doing this,"
"Doing what, Alo? Attempting to pass my A-levels because I actually want to get into university?" he snaps and the ginger backs off a little.
His face softens and he lets out a sigh he didn't know he was holding back. "Sorry,"
"It's alright, I understand, but y'know this place smells of grannies and soon enough you will too, can you come to the neverland party tonight at least?" he asks and something in his tone of voice is enough to convince him to go.
He doesn't say anything, just packs his things up, slings his bag over his shoulder and rolls his eyes at Alo, with a smirk though and Alo's laughing and Rich is too and maybe things aren't that bad.
He even bothers to get a costume for the event, and he thinks he looks like a dick but he doesn't care. He doesn't care about anything anymore, not really.
He let's Alo whine about Mini, and he tells him he deserves better, not because it's true but because it's the right thing to say. Maybe it's a little true though. He sends Alo off after a pixie sized girl in a pixie outfit and suddenly he feels alone again. So he sits there smoking his spliff, dressed as a total twat and still feeling empty.
He realises he's probably never going to stop feeling empty, by this point.
He spends all his days in the library now, no more bars or drinks or drugs, aside from the occasional one. He still doesn't enjoy facing the group, not much, it makes him feel like they've forgotten or used his girlfriend's death as an excuse for pity parties.
It's a selfish thought but he can't help it. They don't come down to her grave, they don't talk about her unless it's in an argument to justify something they did, or push the blame on someone and give them a reason to be angry.
He can't take it so he avoids them.
He can't take feeling like they've forgotten sweet little Gracie who wouldn't want any of this to be happening, least of all in memory of her.
Maybe that's why he's okay when Liv flips out on him about her. Even if he can feel the tears stinging the sides of his eyes because he's been selfish too, he's been avoiding reality as well, he's okay with it because Liv hasn't forgotten either.
That's why he goes to visit her grave with her, and laughs and plays along with that video of Grace.
It's not that he doesn't want them to move on, he just doesn't want her to become nothing. Because if she does he's afraid he may lose her completely this time.
He's sitting in Alo's barn and he's getting a little fed up, to be honest, with the whole Mini business. In his eyes it's a little more okay since Mini is alive, no not just alive, alive with Alo's child. He's always going to be connected to Mini in some way.
So he kicks him in the face telling him to ring her over and over again until Alo snaps and tells him he doesn't want a kid.
He keeps quiet; he's not too sure how to respond to that. He slides off the ledge next to Alo and breaks the silence. "Sometimes I think of what would have happened if me and Grace had a baby,"
"Now look who's turned into a 13 year old girl,"
He winces just a bit and looks away. He thinks he may cry because he's thinking about her again, her eyes, her smile, her airy little giggle, the way her hair fell around her shoulders. And he meant it too, he had thought of starting a family with her several times. And he thought that Alo was probably the luckiest guy in the world to be able to do that with the girl he loved. It was a chance fate never gave to him or Grace.
But he doesn't cry, he doesn't need to. He smiles just a bit, and looks back at Alo. "I loved Grace, more than anything else ever." he pauses just for a bit before continuing. "And you feel the same way about Mini, yeah?"
"Well yeah but-"
He cuts him off before he can continue because there are no but's to this.
"Well yeah and you want to be with her all the time, almost like," he stops himself there briefly because the tightening is back and he doesn't want to cry again not now. "Almost like it hurts when you're not," Alo's eyes meet his and he sees something akin to sympathy in them now. "Well then you should be happy that you got that chance,"
The sympathy ties in with understanding, of why he spent so long shelled away, why he's still spending his time buried under his academics and not his friends, why Rich is convincing him to be there for Mini when he originally didn't.
He sees her one last time, at the pool, of course at the pool, it's where they first met. She's sitting across from him, giving him the smile he fell in love with, in mismatched lingerie but it doesn't matter because she makes anything look perfect. It had been a year now, since she died, yet here she was again, tiny form resting at the edge of the pool with her messy hair all around her and a smile so bright.
Her legs slide gracefully into the water and he can't help but crack a smile, a genuine one. Grace by name, Grace by nature. He stands up clumsily and dives into the water, and there's desperation in his every move. He looks around in the water, searching for her again, he would always be searching for her. And she was there in front of him, her beautiful hair floating around her face and that winning smile still present.
He's never felt such a great need to get to something before, not since the Fuck Norris gig, and he kicks his legs behind him so he's propelled towards her and touches her face, pulls her close and kisses her.
And he feels like air and he wonders if she feels the same way, and then wonders if maybe she is just air. He's trying so hard to pull her closer and she's doing the same and his lips move in a way that says 'Don't go, not again,' and hers move in the way that says 'I have to go,'
And that hits him hard when he opens his eyes and her lips are now just water, so he kicks to the surface to get some air. And it almost feels like she's died again, but this time it's not quite the same.
He sits outside alone in the hospital, and everything is calm but not so until he can hear the noise of Mini's baby crying from inside the emergency room, and he knows that they'll name her Grace.
And he wonders if Grace were here how she would react and he knows that she'd take it in her arms when given the chance and be the angel she was to it.
But he stops himself there, she's not there and she can never be there. He's told himself this so many times before he's lost track by now, but this time it doesn't hurt when he tells himself. His chest doesn't tighten, he doesn't want to cry.
He thinks of the kiss from the night before, and how maybe it was for the better that she did leave him that one last one for memory.
He looks up at where he imagines her to be, and he doesn't like calling it heaven, always sounded pretentious in his head, but maybe her own little Shakespearian fantasy, watching over all of them, and that's why things are okay now.
So he smiles up at her, and whispers to his Saving Grace, "Bye,"