Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure
By Jarred and Mike The Great
Disclaimer: We do not own Diablo 2, the Men in Black, any Nintendo character that appears in this story, or Microsoft. We do not own Froot Loops cereal either. If you want to talk to us meet us in the middle of Lake Erie without a boat.
It all started in the Rogue Encampment. The rogues had been driven out of the respective Monastery. The forces of hell had been dwelling in this monastery for quite some time and I was the hero that was to release the rogue's from the demon's grip.
Of course I didn't know all of that. I was walking around the forest one day when I saw a smoke rising in the east. Little did I know what I was getting into.
"That must me a forest fire. I need to put it out," I though to myself. That was me. I always thought of the forest before myself. That is because my life revolves around the forest and all the animals (especially the squirrel) in the forest. My squirrel friend Chippy and I decided to put out the fire. I dashed over but it was dark and soon I ran into these huge vertically stacked logs.
"Wow, I never saw that before," I said to Chippy.
Chippy looked at me and squeaked, "What is this? It is from the spawns of evil I tell you. Yes it is. I swear. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes it is. I, I, I, know it is."
" Chippy did you take your medication this morning?"
"Noooooooo...,"
"Well you should try to remember. I don't like it very much when you shake and have seizures. Anyway, lets go check ths fire out."
We walked until the end of the wall where we reached a gap in the wall. I rushed forward and banged my head off another wall. Then we went trough another gap into the center of a village.
This village was newly constructed it seemed because none of the druids seemed to know about it. Mostly everything that goes on in the forest us druid know about.
I started conversing with the locals. There were many merchants around the town. Akara, Gheed, Warriv, and my favorite Charsi. I was shopping at Charsi's shop one day. She was personalizing a sword for me and instead of putting my name on it she wrote "Love You, Charsi."
"What the?" I said. I was really angry at her for messing with my sword.
"What is wrong with it? There is nothing wrong with it. It is a perfect example of love. I love you and there is nothing wrong with that," Charsi said.
"My sword is my sword. You're supposed to personalize it in my name not yours."
"But it's with love."
"Well good bye now," I said. I left in a hurry. I grabbed my sword and dashed off. I walked over to Akara.
"I do not trust you. You must complete my quest in order to obtain my trust. There is a place that is just outside this place and it is called the Den of Evil. It is filled with bad things that go boo. You must kill them until they are dead. Then return to me for some special treatment," said Akara.
I gave her a funny look. and asked, "Is there any maps around here? I might get lost."
Akara replied in tune, "No just follow the tan sandy road.. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the tan sandy road. Oui!"
I ran away in terror of the old lady's voice. It sounded like 10 howler monkeys. Soon I came across the Den of Evil. I knew it was the Den of Evil because it said "Den of Evil, Casino Hall here!"
Chippy the squirrel asked, "Can we go gambling. Please please please please please please please please please?"
I replied "NO I'M BROKE."
"Well then you should get fixed. Is there a human repair shop around here? Huh, Huh, Huh?"
"Chippy did you take your medicine this morning?"
"Maybe..... Yes.....No."
"Well you really should start to. Let's investigate." We walked into the Den of Evil. The Den of Evil was the worst casino hall of casino gambling. There was only one slot machine. There was a huge line of monsters waiting to use it. Unfortunately the stupid brute at the front didn't have any money and he was trying to jam a rock into the slot. After staring at them for a while I cast molten boulder. It plowed through all of them until it killed them dead. After I killed all of them a zombie named Corpsefire appeared out of thin air.
"What...have...you...done...to...my...customers?" he said slower than a turtle.
"Ummm...," Chippy said before he took a large rock and beat him to death.
I took a town portal and went back to town. There Akara said, "Good Job! You will know receive your choice of these two things: Special treatment or a skill point."
"I think I'll take the skill point," I said backing up slowly and then madly dashing toward my corner of the camp. On my way back we met up with Kashya. She told us to kill Blood Raven until she remembered that Blood Raven was dead. She pointed over to Gheed and next to him was a pink puffball and a necromancer. I went over there and listened.
"Are you sure you don't have any guns?" said the pink puffball.
"What's a gun, and what are they for?" Gheed questioned.
"THIS," the puffball said, pulling a strange metal wand out and using it to shoot small metal things at Gheed and killing him. There was much rejoicing.
"Hello, my name is Bob and this is my sidekick, Chippy the squirrel.," I said.
"Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi." Chippy said.
"He has a condition." I whispered to the puffball.
"OK, my name is Kirby. And this necromancer's name is hehehe...BETTY!," the pufball said as he began laughing.
"Well, do you want to help us kill Diablo and his minions of terror and bad sitcoms," Chippy asked Kirby as he jumped up and down.
Suddenly, Akara ran up to us yelling, "Hey, I have a quest for you. Go rescue my love monkey, errrr, I mean good friend, Deckard Cain. Here are your mission objectives.
1. Go to the Dark Woods and retrieve the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins.
2. Give the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins to me to translate.
3. Go to the Stoned Field and touch the Cairn Stones in the order I put on the scroll.
4. Go to Tristram, and rescue Deckard Cain.
That is your mission, should you choose to accept it."
"Ok, let's go!" Kirby said. He pulled out a small magic box and pressed a couple of buttons. It rang suddenly, a voice was heard over the box.
"Its-a me, Mario!" the box said.
"Come over here and take us to the Dark Woods," Kirby shouted into the box.
Minutes later, a giant flying machine flew over here. A weird person with a red hat that had a M on it, a red shirt, and overalls was inside it. "Hop in," Kirby said. So we hopped inside. The machine flew us to the Dark Woods. He dropped us off at the Tree of Jim-Bob Jenkins.
"Thanks for the ride, person," I said as I climbed out. Nearby the tree was three brutes having a tea party. One was named Treehead Woodfist. He was in a pink dress. We snuck by them and took the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins. We opened a town portal and went to Akara. She translated the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins into Spanish, which the necromancer surprisingly understood. We then walked to the Stoned Fields. Soon, we found the Cairn Stones it was guarded by a unique Carver named Rakanishu. Betty said, "Stand back, I'll summon a golem."
Betty began to focus her, I mean his energy. Soon a golem began to rise from the ground. It was a golem made entirely out of cheese. The cheese golem killed Rakanishu. Then Betty looked away from the golem. Kirby ate the golem. Betty looked back at where the golem was.
"What? This always happens. I look away for one second, and my golem disappears," Betty said, starting to cry.
"It's ok Betty, I'm sure you'll find another golem to take its place," said Kirby with a voice filled with fake compassion. Chippy and I just stared. After a few moments of grieving by Betty over the loss of his good friend, the cheese golem, Betty read the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins out loud.
"First take a squirrel, stuff it your pants, then run around the Cairn Stones in a circle while shouting 'CHEESE!' at the top of your lungs. Then the portal to Tristram will open. Pay the doorman 25 cents to pass through the portal and arrive in beautiful Tristram, the cheese and beer capital of Sanctuary," Betty read directly from the scroll.
"A squirrel? Where the heck are we going to find a... oh crap," Chippy said as all eyes turned to him.
Moments later, Chippy's voice could be heard from deep within the depth's of Betty's pants saying, "This is really uncomfortable."
"And you think I'm enjoying this. Now shut up while I preform the spell," Betty said as he took a deep breath.
"CHEESE!" Betty shouted as he ran around the Cairn Stones. Soon the sky grew dark, and clouds began to cover the sky. Lightning shot down and struck the Cairn Stones. Then a group of guys with shirts that said Stage Crew that were carrying a red portal ran out into the middle of the Cairn Stones and set the portal into the middle of the stones. Then, the doorman appeared.
"Alright, chop chop. Pay me 25 cents and let us get this over with." the doorman, who was a Fallen with a bellboy uniform on, said. I dug into my pocket and pulled out a
quarter. I handed the doorman the quarter and the group stepped in front of the portal.
" Now how does this work?" Kirby asked.
"Like this!" said the bellboy. He stood behind us and shoved us into the portal.
We arrived in Tristram. We realized that all the rubble of the old buildings had been shoved into the middle of the city and formed into a building. We walked into the building and saw everyone disco dancing. Deckard Cain was suspended in the middle of the floor wearing a shiny suit with lights reflecting off of him. After a while of staring at Deckard Cain, we killed all the monsters. Deckard Cain walked up to us.
"Why did you kill my employers?"
"Employers!?!" I said.
"Yes they paid me a good amount if I was the disco ball. They would let me live."
"But now they're dead. You don't have to worry."
"That mans I'm going to die. I no longer am their disco ball. Plus, you guys took away my shiny suit..."
I opened a town portal and shoved him through it. I was tired of listening to his rambling about his...job. Yes, I think that's it.
The town portal closed behind us. Stupid Deckard Cain. So we went back to the portal that we used to come to Tristram. The doorman stood in our way.
"Please allow us to pass," I said. "No can do buck-o. I need another 25 cents in order to let you pass," the doorman said. So we walked around town until we saw a really fat zombie named Griswold playing chess with a rock.
"Hey, zombie dude. If you move your rook three spaces forward, you'll put the rock in checkmate," Chippy said. The zombie moved his rook three spaces forward.
"CHECKMATE!" Griswold shouted! He then picked the rock up and pulled a quarter out from beneath it.
"Here you go squirrel dude. You can have the quarter that the rock bet on that game of chess because you told me the winning move," Griswold said as he gave Chippy the quarter. So we took the quarter back to the doorman and the doorman pushed us back through the portal. After arriving back at the Stoned Field, we walked back to the Rouge Encampment.
When we got back to the Rouge Encampment, we went to Akara. "As a reward here are some Froot Loop Decoder Rings. They will give you 0.5 to all stats."
We then went to Charsi to have her repair our weapons and armor. While there, Charsi told us all about her hammer, the Horadric Malus.
"The Horadric Malus is a magical hammer that I got by sending in 100 box tops and $2.95 to Froot Loops. It arrived in the mail 2-6 business weeks later. It can imbue your weapons with the ability to do 10-20 Lactose Damage. But I left it at the monastery when we ran away from Andariel. Could you go get it back for me. It is in the barracks, being guarded by the Smith, but I'm sure a big, strong, hot druid like you could kill it, Bob," Charsi said.
"Umm... OK," I said. We finished having our weapons repaired and started walking towards the Monastery. On the way there a strange metal ship carrying a giant turtle with spikes on its shell crashed. The giant turtle thing crawled out of the wreckage and roared.
"I am BOWSER, THE UNBEATABLE KOOPA KING," the turtle thing shouted, "All who oppose me shall be roasted to a golden brown color and be eaten!"
"Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi," Chippy shouted. The turtle thing stared at Chippy.
"I shall roast you all and eat you! Because I'm hungry!" Bowser shouted. He was about to roast us with fire breath when the strange metal ship that the red-hatted, overall-wearing, mustached Italian plumber was driving crashed into him and knocked him into the sky.
"Looks like Team Rocket is blasting off again... no wait... I will defeat you Goku... no wait wrong line again.... Let's Duel!... ARGH!!!!....TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!... NO THAT WAS THE WRONG LINE AGAIN!!!" Bowser shouted before he disappeared into the sky as a shining star. Then the metal thing that hit him's lights began to blink as it backed up. Then it flew of into the sky. Then it fell from the sky after it hit a flying duck, and it crashed into Microsoft headquarters of Sanctuary, preventing X-Box from ever being sold in Sanctuary. There was a big party. Then we resumed our quest.
After two hours of walking and listening to Chippy's constant rambling, we finally reached the Monastery. Then it was another two hours of walking and fighting monsters before we found the Smith.
"Hello. I am the Smith. I want to be governor of California. What can I do for you," the Smith said in a thick Austrian accent.
"We're here to take the Horadric Malus back to Charsi," Betty said.
"Well here it is. You can just take it. And take this free gold as well," the Smith said.
"Nice try you foul beast, but I won't fall for your tricks. Hand over the Horadric Malus you son-of-a-telemarketer," Kirby shouted.
"Why you little... my mother was not a telemarketer. I will kill you all for that remark." the Smith shouted.
"Oh crap. See what you did Kirby. You made him mad." I said.
The Smith took out a very big metal wand and pulled a trigger. A lot of small metal round things began to shoot out of the tip. We all hid.
"I can take him," Kirby said. Kirby then pulled his guns out. He leaped into the air. Suddenly everything was moving in slow motion. Kirby was dodging the Smith's bullets. Chippy started to sneeze. The kirby leapt into the air and started shooting at the Smith. A bunch of bullets hit the Smith. He fell down dead. Then everything went back into normal speed. Chippy finished sneezing.
"I'll be back..." the Smith said as he died. We took the Horadric Malus and all the gold in the room. Then we went to the waypoint and teleported back to town. We gave Charsi the Horadric Malus.
"Thank you. Now I can imbue your weapons with the ability to do 10-20 Lactose damage." Charsi said, staring at me.
"No thanks. That's just stupid." I said.
"You can imbue my gun if you want," Kirby said. He handed Charsi his guns. She imbued them.
"Suddenly Deckard Cain ran up to us," Chippy said out loud.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Betty asked.
"I was just reading a line from this piece of paper I found that says 'Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure- Script'" Chippy said.
Suddenly Deckard Cain ran up to us. "Guys, I have an urgent new quest for you to do. Plus, if you complete this quest, you get to go to Act Two!" Deckard Cain said.
"Give us the quest already you old coot," Kirby said.
"I want you to go kill Andariel. She is hiding on the lowest level of the Catacombs. She is being guarded by an army of very powerful monsters. So go kill her. Now," Deckard Cain said. So we went to the way point, fought our way through many boring monster until we reached level one of the Catacombs.
"Well, lets begin the long, hard climb down to Andariel," Betty said.
"Or we could take Andariel's secret elevator down to the final level of the catacombs," Chippy said.
"And how are we supposed to find the secret elevator?" Betty asked.
"Well, according to my Diablo 2 Player's Guide, the secret elevator is right beside the entrance to the Catacombs, with a big neon sign that says 'Secret Elevator Here' above it." Chippy said.
We very quickly found the secret elevator. We took it down to Andariel's lair.
Once down there we saw a huge horde of evil monsters. They were about to attack us when Kirby pulled out his magic box again.
" I know! I'll call the three clones of me from Kirby and the Amazing Mirror here to help us fight." Kirby said. He pulled the magic box up to his ear. I could hear a voice coming out of it. "I'm sorry but you have gone way over your minutes, plus you're roaming. If you wish to make a call, it will cost you $100,000,000. Press 1 to continue with your call." a strange female voice said.
"OH GAWD D!" Kirby shouted.
"What the f, Kirby just beeped. Holy s, I beeped too. Huh? What the h is going on?" Chippy said.
Suddenly a man in a business suit appeared out of nowhere. "Hello, I am a lawyer. In order to keep this story at a PG-13 rating, we had to cut out all vulgar words. The only word you are allowed to say is ass, and only if you're talking about a donkey." he said before he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Story? What is that supposed to mean? To you guys think we're all really characters in a story. Does that mean that our fates are all being controlled by some geeks at a computer typing a lame excuse of a fan fiction." Betty said.
Suddenly, a bunch of metal things with wheels pulled up. A bunch of guys in suits with sunglasses stepped out and held up strange metal wand with a red light on the front.
"Everyone please look into this light," one of the men in black suits said. Betty stared right at the light. Chippy, Kirby, and I looked away. We saw a bright light flash to our side. We looked back at Betty. She, I mean, he was staring into space.
"What was I talking about again?" Betty said.
"Nothing," the men in black suits said.
The men in black left.
We started to slay the monsters with our pointy weapons. Betty summoned a cheese golem and it plowed through all of Andariel's minions. Soon we reached the door into her room. We walked up to the door. It was one of those auto-open doors. They opened. Andariel was in there playing X-Box.
"She is evil," Chippy whispered into my ear.
Andariel looked from her game of "Hero Hunter" and saw the cheese golem. Then she looked at Betty and said, "So, the rumors are true. There is a necromancer that can summon a being made from my only weakness."
"What the F does that mean?" asked Chippy.
"See, great heroes, I'm LACTOSE-INTOLERANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dun dun dun," stated Andariel.
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo," the cheeses golem said.
"You must die necromancer," Andariel said as she threw a giant boulder at Betty. Then Kirby ate the cheese golem.
Kirby screamed,"Nooooooooooooooo!!!. That's the last of the great-tasting cheese golems because Betty is dead. You die now B!"
Once again everything went in slow motion. Kirby pulled out his gun and shot a bullet made out of milk. The speeding bullet, going as fast as a speeding bullet in slow motion, pierced Andariel's stomach.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!," Andariel shouted in slow motion. She melted into a pool of pudding. ( Author's Note: I like pudding- Mike the Great) (Author's Note: So do I- Jarred)
From the pool of pudding, I grabbed an amulent that gave 10 to my Bling-Bling. Chippy grabbed a spork that gave him 100 to Eating Skills.
"Kirby..." Betty said, who was apparently not quite dead.
Kirby said, "What is it Betty?"
"Take my...wand...the one in my hand.... it gives 3 to summon Cheese Golem...use it uhh." Betty said as he finally died. (Author's Note: We think he's dead- Jarred)
"YES!" Kirby shouted as he took the wand from Betty's cold, dead hands.
Moments later, after we had returned to camp, we prepared to leave with Warriv.
"Well, I need to get going. Nintendo needs me for some new game called 'Paper Legend of Kirby Prime Country: Majora's Ocarina of Wind Waker's Mask.' See you later." Kirby said as he pulled out a new magic box. He pressed a button on this one and a flying star came down and picked him up. He flew off into the distance.
"I'm coming with you. I like field trips. They're fun," Deckard Cain said as he put his bags in the trunk of Warriv's Magical Bus of Travel.
Finally we set off, off to Las Gholein and Act Two.
Well there's our story. We hoped you liked it. Please review. If you don't, we'll send the Mexican Mafia to your house. And all flames will be used to roast dinner. Bye!