Chapter 1: Reevaluating my friends
'Mudblood'
The word haunts me still. How can it not? It came out of the mouth of my supposed best friend. Well, maybe not best friend. After all, we had been drifting apart the past 2 years. We only talked to each other when no one was around, not that I minded at the time, but that should have been the first sign that things weren't going well. But I trusted him. He knew me better than most of my girlfriends because he knows about my sister and her hatred and jealousy of me. I still haven't told anyone about it.
But one word destroyed it all. The very term that defines my blood status in this world. The very thing I was so nervous about before I came to Hogwarts. Severus Snape was the one who told me that it didn't matter I had muggle parents! Clearly, he has spent too much time immersed in the dark arts and his shady friends. Oh yes, I know about the time he spends over those books; he must think I'm naive...emInnocent/em. Well, his lost. It's not worth my time.
So, here I am sitting by the fire in the common room in my favorite chair waiting for my friends…or Potter. Yes, arrogant toerag he may be, but he did defend me. And I was a bit harsh, though in my defense it was the heat of the moment. I'm not perfect, I don't pretend to be. Potter and his friends might believe I think that, but hopefully this apology might show them I can acknowledge when I was in the wrong. Maybe they'll learn from it? Nah… That would be the day I go out with Potter.
The portrait door opens and in comes Potter and his friends otherwise known as the Marauders. Only, they aren't aware I know that's what they call themselves. Quite fitting actually, I wonder who coined the phrase.. Probably Remus. I decide not to look over because I'm curious to what their reaction will be if they notice I'm sitting here. I need to get an idea of where I stand with them. If Potter doesn't come over, then I know it's bad and I need to take the more immediate response and approach him. Something I've never done before. I don't know if I want that or not. If I do, it shows I'm seriously reconsidering my actions but on the other hand I'm already apologizing which is also unprecedented for them. I'm over analyzing this aren't I?
The commotion by the portrait hole halts and all conversations in the common room are hushed. It stays that way for almost 3 minutes. They definitely saw me. Well, that's not what I expected. I've never seen Potter or his friends truly hesitate this long. I need to capitalize on this. "I look over. "Potter?" He just blinks. "Do you mind if I can have a word with you? Alone?" Before he can respond, Black jumps in, "Why Evans, so you tell him off some more and hex him?" "Well Black," I sighed, "If that's what you think I'll do, then by all means join Potter and myself. All of you can," I finish by looking at the other two. Now they all look shocked. They clearly didn't expect that. Neither did everyone else in the common room. I smirk slightly at the group; it's not everyday you can surprise the Marauders. "Well alright then!" Black exclaims, "let's talk." "Ok," was Pettigrew's meek reply. He always was more of a follower. Remus hasn't responded yet, he just looked at Potter. I knew there was a reason he and I were friends. He was trying to see if Potter wanted them there. Potter was staring blankly at me still. So I stand from my chair and walk over until I'm standing right in front of him. He never looked away from my face.
"James?" I ask. And sure enough that shocks him as well as everyone in the common room who gasped in response. Can't they go about their own business? "I'm not really interested in talking to a wall so if one of your buddies can remove the body bind you seem to have on yourself, that would be good." Some mild chuckling from the bystanders is enough to get Potter functioning again. He gives a small smile. "Sure Evans. I suppose we can talk." He nods to Remus who turns and nods to me, what a nice guy. "Alright then, you may pick where we go because right here is out," I reply with a smile which gets some groans from the room who clearly want to be a spectator on the conversation. Such nosy little buggers.
The group turns and leads me out of the portrait hole and down the seventh floor corridor to a statue or a troll. Then Potter started pacing in front of it. To my shock, a door appears on the wall next to the statue and the look on my face must have shown my surprise as the Marauders chuckled at my expression. We all walk into a room that feels a bit like the common room we just left.
"Has this always been here?" I ask curiously, gaping at my surroundings. "The boys and I discovered this room a year ago and it changes to whatever you need. It's called the Room of Requirement," James replies with a smile to me and a look that I don't understand at the others who look a bit annoyed that he shared that with me. I have a lot of work ahead of me.
Wait a minute. I just thought of Potter as James. That's a first. I'll dwell on that later as the boys have all sat on the couches provided and leave the chair facing the couches free for me. Oh joy. I'm going to be interrogated. Well, I was the one who let them pick the battlefield. So I walk slowly over to the chair, wishing for a love seat and smile at looks of astonishment on the boys minus Remus's and oddly James's face as I take a seat on one side and sprawl my legs over the other. "This is rather nifty. Thanks for sharing the secret," I say as I look at James before sighing and look down at my fingers in my lap, missing the looks the boys shared with each other. I toy with my fingers as I gather my courage to say what I need to say in front of the audience before me.
I look back up at James. "I wanted to apologize for what I said to you Potter." The guys look surprised but I continued, "I said a lot of hateful and some slightly exaggerated things to you, honestly over the past 5 years, but what I'm really sorry about is how I treated you after you defended me to Sev–Snape. It was in the heat of the moment but it was wrong to do. But I'm not going to regale you in excuses for how I acted and what I said except shame on me for not realizing sooner what a git Snape was and how over our friendship was before this afternoon." I pause to watch the expressions on the faces in front of me, which was varied to say the least, and waited for them to process what I said to them.
After it was clear that no one was going to say anything I went on. " I guess what I want to explain is why he was my friend in the first place." I look over to Remus. "How much are they aware of?" The rest of the boys' heads snap towards Remus. Before he can respond I say, "nothing then?" He nods, "Well you are a good friend then. At least I'm not completely stupid." I give Remus and small smile and sigh as I look at my fingers again as James, Black and Pettigrew look back towards me. "I've known Snape since I was 6. He was the one who told me I was magical, not my letter as everyone else believes. We used to hang out at the park near my house everyday and do accidental magic and talk and he would tell me about the magical world. One of the conversations we had back then was about my being a muggle born. He told me it didn't matter that I had non magic parents." A lone tear dripped down face. "He knows my family and what it like there and he helped me get through the summers once school ended for the year. He was a confident and he just blew that trust right out the window. I never approved of his friends but he wouldn't leave them because he felt protected when he was with them. Not that he's said as much outright, but I can tell that's how he feels around them. So naturally I'm thinking about all of friends at the moment and deciding who to trust still and who I actually want to be friends with."
I look up again and see understanding slowly spreading in James' expression and a little bit of anger which surprises me a little. What is he mad about? Black looks incredulous, Pettigrew looks confused as he has for the entire time I've been talking and Remus just smiles encouragingly and nods to show that while I've never told him this much he has suspected most of it and will still be my friend. I shoot him a look of gratitude. Then I turn back to James. "Is there anything you would like to ask James? I know you've always wanted to know why I hung out with Snape." I tease him as I smirk at the look on his face.
"I have some questions Evans," Black starts but before he can say more I cut across him while still looking at James, "I'm sure you do Black. However, I did not come to the RoR for you. You came because you didn't trust me to talk to James alone. Until you trust me, and I trust you, you don't get to ask questions."
James finally speaks. "So why are you telling me this?" I examine him for a moment. It is a fair question, but one that would give away more information than I'm willing to spill tonight. "Well Potter there are many ways to answer that question, so you might want be more specific. The main reason is that I'm trying to show you that I'm genuinely sorry for what I did earlier today and I'm trying to explain why I bothered with Snape in the first place." "Oh, well I forgave you a while ago, it just took me awhile to say so." I merely gaze at him. "Thank you." "You're welcome." We both fall silent.
In the silence, I try to decide whether I should leave now that I've done what I planned to do. I should but something is keeping me in the love seat, so I look at fingers and wait to see what the Marauders want to do.
"Evans?" I look up at James once more. "Do you trust me?" That was a more direct question, I smirk inwardly. "Honestly?" I ask and James nods. "I don't know. I'd like to, but I don't know you very well. Can I trust you with my life? Sure, you've proven that you're willing to defend me. Do I trust you with my heart? No, I can't say that I do." I see a semi satisfied expression on James's face before he asks, "Can you tell me why you can't trust me with your heart?" The other boys squirm a little at the turn of the conversation. Serves them right for wanting to be here. But how to respond? I didn't intend to tell him anything of that nature! It just…slipped. "Well," I started rather hesitantly, "you've never given me a reason to. All you've done the past 5 years was prank me and ask me out." "But you could have said yes!" James insisted. "You weren't asking me for the right reasons. No listen to me!" I cut him off before he could say more, "It felt like you were asking me simply because I was the one girl who said no to you. You've asked me out so many times that it doesn't really feel genuine. I was something you couldn't have." James was thinking about what I said, that much was evident. I decided that I've talked for long enough. "It's getting late. I may be a prefect, but I'm not saving your arses if we get caught for being out of bed. Potter, I know I gave you a lot to think about but the bottom line is that I want you to know the real you, not the arrogant bullying toerag that I usually deal with." I give all of them a small smile and a 'goodnight' and walked back to the Fat Lady, pass through the common room past all the gawkers and gossipers all the way to my bed and go right to sleep.