Baby Joseph
A one-shot from Helen Plum's POV; inspired by Margaret.
It was New Year's Eve. I'd invited Val, Albert, Stephanie and some neighbors over for hors d'oeuvres and champagne later in the evening but right now it was six o'clock. I'd just sat down to dinner with Frank and my mother when my doorbell rang.
I got up thinking it was probably Val and Albert who said they'd try to come by once they dropped the girls off at his mother's. I had enough food for everyone, so while I pulled some extra plates from the cupboard I'd asked Frank to get the door.
What I saw when I turned around made me drop my plates.
Oh my.
Standing in front of me was Joyce Barnhardt holding a swaddled baby. I took one look at the baby and knew who the father was. The almost black hair that already needed a cut and the Mediterranean complexion was a sure-fire give away.
Joe Morelli.
"Is this some kind of joke?" I asked her.
"I didn't know where else to turn. I thought Stephanie might like this," she said handing Frank the baby before turning to leave.
"Is this your baby Joyce?" I had to know. Steph hadn't looked particularly pregnant, but she did have that donut glow last time I saw her.
"It's Joe's baby. Steph can have him."
"You can't just give a baby away," my husband said, looking down at the bundle in his arms.
"Try me," Joyce answered as she strolled back to our front door and walked out.
I was having company in a few hours. What was I going to do with a baby? It was then that he took one look at my husband and started wailing.
All I could think to do was to call his paternal grandmother.
I looked through my address book for a number then dialed Angie Morelli.
"Angie, this is Helen Plum, we have something of yours at the house. Do you want to come and pick it up, or should I have Frank drive it over?"
"It weighs about twelve pounds," I responded to her question thinking I was getting away with this so easily.
"You'll be over in a bit? Ok we're here." I answered with a smug look on my face.
"Well that's taken care of," I said to my astonished husband and mother.
"What?" I asked them as I took out my dustpan to sweep up the remains of my good china.
"If she brings Bella, we're all screwed," my mother said through her dentures before returning to the table.
"I wonder if Stephanie knows about this?" Frank asked joining my mother and putting some more roast beef on his plate, baby in lap.
"She didn't say anything to me. Mother?"
"Nope. Good roast Helen. Sit down. Eat. Or everything will get cold."
I figured might as well; so I poured myself some iced tea and sat down to join them.
Joe Junior started fussing again so I got up to see if Joyce perhaps left a bottle in the bag she deposited on my couch. She did. I heated it up and stuck it in Joe Junior's mouth. There, that shut him up.
I poured myself some more iced tea. Might as well enjoy the evening. The fireworks would probably happen well before midnight anyway.
Mother cleared the table and put the dishes in the sink while I had another iced tea. Joe Junior was still happily sucking on his bottle, so I said 'what the hell'. You only live once, right?
We'd just finished dessert and coffee; but I'd said, fuck the coffee and poured myself a little more iced tea when the doorbell rang.
I took Joe Junior from my husband, bundled him up and answered the door with the diaper bag on my shoulder, prepared to hit and run like Joyce did.
Unfortunately it wasn't Angie at the door, it was Mabel Markowitz our next door neighbor.
"I thought I heard a baby," she said cooing at Joe Junior, "that's why I came by." She paused and took a good look at the baby. "Oh my. He looks an awful lot like Joe Morelli. Is this Stephanie's?" she asked.
As much as I wanted grandchildren from Stephanie, I was not going to acknowledge Joyce's baby as my grandchild.
"Joyce's Barnhardt dropped him off. He's Joe's. Come in, we're waiting for Angie," I told her, trying very hard not to slur my words.
I didn't want Mabel to see me teetering so I sat us down in the living room and put Joe Junior in her lap ready for the bell to ring again. And it did.
I went through the whole routine one more time. Took Joe Junior from Mabel, swaddled him and put the diaper bag on my shoulder and was just about ready for the quick exchange when the bell rang again.
"Hold your horses," my mother yelled, running over to get it.
"No mother, DO NOT touch that door," I had my plan for a fast escape all worked out.
I got to the door just as it rang for a third time. I opened it and held out Joe Junior—but it wasn't Angie, it was Albert.
"Mom, what's this?" Val asked taking the baby I stuck in her husband's face.
"Joe Junior. I thought you were Angie," I said and fell back onto the couch exhausted from all this swaddling.
Mother told the story, while I nodded a little. That iced tea sure had some kick to it.
The bell rang again, but I thought I was dreaming it.
"Helen, the bell, " my husband said, gently touching my arm.
I took the baby from Val and handed it to Frank.
"Here your turn. Hit and run." I said putting the diaper bag on Frank's shoulder and scrunching up the blanket and tucking it into the diaper bag. Fuck the swaddling.
My dutiful husband opened the door to my youngest daughter and Ranger. I think that's his name. You know the insurance adjuster from Cuba or whatever he was from.
Frank just stood there while Stephanie took the baby from him.
"Where did this baby come from?"
"Joe Junior," I said lurching forward for a second before I fell back onto the couch.
Stephanie looked at the baby who had started to cry from all this back and forth. She handed him to Ranger then reached into her bag and pulled out her phone.
"Joe this isn't funny," she said when someone answered.
"What are you talking about Cupcake?"
"Don't Cupcake me, just come here and get your kid."
"My kid?" he asked, or did I imagine that?
"Joyce," I said before I was out cold again.
"My mother said Joyce dropped him off," I guess she interpreted my one word answer. "Looks just like you Joe and my mother has taken to calling him Joe Junior. I'd come now, my dad says your mother is on the way."
It didn't take long before the doorbell rang again. Ouch that hurt my head.
Fuck the diaper bag. I took the kid from Ranger and stumbled to the door. Whoever answered was taking this kid; they could come back for the diaper bag.
At the door was Joe, his mother and grandmother Bella.
Bella hissed at seeing my mother and my mother hissed back. This was not going well.
I shoved the kid in Angie's arms and then Ranger spoke in his commanding voice before this all went to shit.
"Looks like this is the product of Joe and the neighborhood slut Joyce Barnhardt. She abandoned the kid and unless you want to see him in an orphanage someone needs to come forward now."
Somehow in my drunken state I raised my hand.
This wasn't going to be a good New Year's, was it?
Happy New Year! Love you all!