Disclaimer: I don't own them, I didn't create them, and I don't profit from them.
Author's Note: This is for the Bones Tweeps, you know who you are.
"Put the gun down, dirtbag. If you hurt my partner, I will shoot your testicles off." Temperance Brennan looked completely serious as she leveled the Glock at the man who had been a huge help in their investigation, right up until he turned into their number one suspect. Somehow he'd managed to get the drop on Booth and currently had a gun pointed at his head. She was going to be damned if anyone hurt Booth.
"Bones, you might want to be careful about where you're pointing that thing." Booth was not quite as concerned with the gun being pointed at his head as he was about the one in his partner's hand.
"Booth, I'm a very good shot." She narrowed her gaze back at the suspect to let him know that she believed she had the upper hand no matter where his gun was pointing.
"I'd listen to your partner, Dr. Brennan. You try and shoot me and I've got an itchy trigger finger. Your partner will be dead before he hits the ground." He sneered even as sheen of sweat beaded at his brow.
"Dr. Gubitnik, if you even twitch your finger towards that trigger I'll start with your right testicle and follow it up with your left." The glare on her face was all business and could almost have rendered the bastard sterile just from its intensity.
Both Booth and the suspect winced at the thought.
"Surely you don't possess that kind of accuracy." Gubitnik was doubtful that he was in any danger of losing his manhood.
"She'll do it." Booth had complete confidence that Bones would in fact shoot off someone's testicles, he just wasn't sure if they would be his or if they'd belong to the guy holding the gun to his head.
"I really don't want you talking right now, Agent Booth." To emphasize his point, he pushed the muzzle of the gun a little closer to his temple. "Now if your partner will just put her gun down, we can settle this whole thing without a single bullet being fired can't we?"
"I told you not to hurt my partner or I'm going to shoot you." Brennan took a step towards the pair, her aim sure.
"It didn't really hurt, Bones. Won't even leave a mark." Despite the muzzle of the gun resting firmly against his temple, Booth managed a goofy smile at his partner.
"Dr. Gubitnik is very lucky then, I may not have to shoot him." She offered Booth a smile of her own before she narrowed a searing glare at the perpetrator.
"I really wouldn't say that if I were you, Dr. Brennan." Gubitnik's voice faltered just slightly.
"I'm telling you exactly what I'm going to do. Why would I lie at a time like this?" She glanced at Booth as if she was looking for some sort of explanation for the other man's behavior.
"Bones, if you haven't noticed, he has a gun pointed at my head." Booth looked no more worked up about the idea of being at the business end of a gun than he might be if a mosquito was buzzing around his head.
"Which is why I want him to put it down. Clearly he's not as enamored with his testicles as he let on in my office." Brennan arched a single brow as if that spun the tables on who was in charge.
Booth suddenly looked hot and bothered. "What the hell did he do in your office?" If the guy had so much as made a rude suggestion to his partner he was going to kick his ass, just as soon as he was disarmed that is.
"He suggested that I might need to service them." She didn't even blink as she relayed this little bit of information.
"Hey, asshole, what the hell were you thinking talking to my partner like that?" Booth growled at the man and out of the corner of his eye he noticed that his hand was shaking just slightly.
"I'm sure he was thinking that I would leap at the opportunity to engage in sexual contact with him." Brennan's nose wrinkled at the idea. "I have no interest in seeing his testicles up close."
"Still have a gun to my head here, Bones. Try not to provoke him, okay?" Booth shrugged his eyes in the direction of the gun.
"Agent Booth and Dr. Brennan, I can assure you that I am completely serious here. Will both of you stop talking?" Gubitnik was clearly no longer in control.
"I told you if you hurt my partner I would shoot your testicles off. I don't lie." Brennan took another step towards the pair, her irritation that he hadn't surrendered yet clearly etched on her face.
"Did you not notice the gun in my hand?" Gubitnik was incredulous that they seemed to regard him as no threat at all.
"I should let her shoot them off. She'd be doing you a favor." Booth had half a mind to shoot them off himself just for being vulgar towards Bones.
"Are you getting soft on us now, Dr. Gubitnik?" Brennan really had her doubts about the man's ability to actually pull a trigger.
"Bones!" What the hell was she trying to do? Get him killed? His eyes bugged out as he shot her a look.
"Booth, I'm not even convinced that his gun is loaded." Brennan turned her attention back to Dr. Gubitnik. "It's not loaded is it?"
"Of course it's loaded! Would I be crazy enough to put a gun to an FBI agent's head if it wasn't loaded?" His fingers were turning white from the way he was gripping the gun.
"One could conclude that you are already crazy for putting a gun to anyone's head, but especially that of an FBI agent." It was perfectly logical and she narrowed her gaze at the man again, taking note that his finger was nowhere near the trigger and the safety was still on.
"Bones!" Booth growled. Leave it to his irritatingly sexy partner to argue with an armed man with a hostage.
"He's a card carrying member of Greenpeace, a longtime vegan, and he has lobbied extensively for gun control. I would be highly surprised to find that there are actually any bullets in his gun." Brennan knew she had the upper hand and took a bold step towards the men.
"Every gun is a loaded gun." Dr. Gubitnik recited it as if it was a mantra that he was trying to convince others to believe.
Booth rolled his eyes at Bones and took that opportunity to make a risky move by elbowing the jerk in the gut and ducking to get out of the way in case the gun really was loaded. He had him on his face, cuffs on before the man could make much of a reaction.
"Can I at least kick him in the testicles?" Brennan held the gun on the cuffed Dr. Gubitnik as she looked at Booth expectantly.
"He's cuffed, Bones. What's with the need to still hurt his man parts?" Not that he wanted to deny Bones the opportunity, but he did want a clean conviction on the nut job. Booth dusted his hands off and rested his foot on the guy's back, glowering down at him. "Don't you ever make vulgar remarks to my partner again or you're going to wish you'd castrated yourself. You got that, loser?"
"Don't call me loser." There was almost a shrill whine to the man's voice.
"Is that what Dr. Fairbanks did to you? Did he call you a loser?" Brennan looked as if the pieces were coming together and she looked at Booth with a realization. "Dr. Fairbanks was a linguist, he was simply making an observation that Gubitnik is the Croation word for loser."
"You pushed a guy off a bridge because of your last name?" Booth looked at him incredulously.
"He deserved it! He kept repeating it in every language he knew. Do you know how many languages that guy spoke? Do you?" Gubitnik had the audacity to glance up.
"Don't even think about looking at my partner." Booth growled at him before offering Bones a soft smile and taking the Glock from her and putting it back in his holster with the safety firmly in place.
"Do you want me to kick him in the testicles?" Brennan was more than ready to make sure that Gubitnik didn't try anything even though Booth's foot was still firmly on his back.
"Naw, I think we'll let him keep his man parts for now." He was just thankful that she hadn't had to use that gun and that his parts were no longer in stray bullet danger.
"I'm not sure what I would have done if he'd hurt you." Brennan took a step closer, reaching out to smooth down his tie.
"Oh, please." Gubitnik just couldn't keep his mouth shut. "What is this, a soap opera?"
"I don't know what that means." Brennan wasn't sure what singing soap had to do with the conversation she was having with Booth.
"He wants a soap opera, let's give him a soap opera." He grinned at Bones and then in a very manly move, he snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her in close looking into her eyes. "And just for the record, no one is holding a gun to my head now."
"Of course not, you disarmed him and...mpph." She couldn't finish her sentence because suddenly Booth's lips were on hers and all she could think to do was kiss him back with all of the gusto she could muster.
Gubitnik groaned. "I really am a loser."
The End