Southern California – 1950
"Gee, isn't it super to be out in all this fresh air?" Roger Rabbit exclaimed, taking a deep breath just as Baby Herman blew a disdainful cloud of cigar smoke into the toon rabbit's face. After coughing briefly, Roger resumed pushing the baby carriage over the rough grass. "It's great to get away from all the noise and congestion of the big city and see nature in its glory!"
"Will you can the pep talk?" Baby Herman demanded irritably. He was had the temperament of a middle-aged man in the body of an infant. "You sound like one of those stinking nature documentaries they shove between movies down at the Bijou."
"Along with cartoons!" Roger Rabbit added. "And newsreels and trailers and… gee it's swell here. Too bad about all the trees they've chopped down lately. All these stumps spoil the view."
"What's there to see?" Baby Herman demanded grumpily. "Not a good-looking babe within miles."
"I heard there's a real looker who lives out here, with only her dog for company," Roger remarked. "Not as p-p-pretty as my Jessica, of course, but still…." He emitted a wolf whistle and fashioned his long, white ears into an hourglass.
"Oh, yeah?" Baby Herman asked, suddenly interested. "Who is she?"
"Oh, I don't know her name."
"Whereabouts is this place of hers?" Baby Herman persisted.
"Gee, I don't know, Baby Herman. Around here somewhere!"
"You're a regular wealth of information, ain't you, Roger?" Baby Herman remarked sarcastically. "Is she real life?"
"I heard she was a toon," Roger answered.
"I prefer real-life dames," Baby Herman said, losing interest. "Ain't you found us a camping spot yet?"
"This should do!" Roger announced, stopping the baby carriage. "I'll get the tent up!" He placed Baby Herman on the ground and removed a few metal poles and green canvas. He spent several frustrating minutes fighting with the equipment, before he collapsed on the ground, wrapped in its army-green material. "Baby Herman, could you start the fire?" Roger asked, twisting to unroll himself. "I'll get this tent ready… oof!" he exclaimed, not doing any better with his efforts.
Baby Herman casually set his cigarette lighter against a small collection of twigs and nodded happily as flames sprang to life. "That tent set yet?" he demanded.
"Just about!" Roger struggled desperately with the equipment. "You know, this would probably go a lot better if Jessica was here. Gee, I miss her! Too bad she suddenly had to work today. She always knows how to do these things. One time when she was driving I opened a roadmap and I couldn't fold it up again, but instead unfolded it more and more, and it was such a big one it stretched out and spread all over the p-p-place like a crazy accordion. It even covered the windshield and we couldn't see the road! But, whew, with just one hand she put it back together and saved us from crashing into this truck that suddenly came along!"
"I don't care about your roadmap; I want to see the tent!"
"Then feast your eyes on this!" Roger waved his arms, and, miraculously enough, the tent settled serenely on the ground, ready for their use. "Just like a Boy Scout!" he announced with pride.
"Hey, good job." Baby Herman lifted the entrance flap only to have the entire structure topple onto the ground and smother out his fire. "ROGER!"
"Gee, I don't know how that happened," Roger exclaimed, "but I'll get it right this time, you'll see!"
"You'd better," Baby Herman told him sullenly, gathering more twigs to start a new campfire. "Looks like the clouds are coming in. We're going to need shelter."
"Yes, sir!" Roger exclaimed with a theatrical salute. "It's p-p-putting up a fight, but I shall emerge victorious! Hey! Having some trouble?" he asked, watching Baby Herman repeatedly flick his cigarette lighter. "If you can't get that to light, try rubbing two sticks together," he suggested helpfully. "That's how the Boy Scouts start their fires!"
"Take care of the tent and I'll start the stupid fire!" Baby Herman yelled.
"Right away!" agreed Roger. Although he fiddled with the equipment every way he could, the tent refused to cooperate, and finally the rabbit tossed the materials aside and sat next to Baby Herman. The pair forlornly watched the pile of twigs that should have been crackling merrily in flames.
"Gosh, Baby Herman, look on the bright side; at least it isn't raining," Roger said heartily, just before a torrential downpour fell from the sky, soaking them in seconds.
…..
"Hello, folks," Droopy intoned emotionlessly.
"Hi, doorman," giggled the patron who stumbled out of the Ink and Paint Club. "Nice doggy!" He held unsteadily onto his companion as they weaved down a side street to be lost to the Los Angeles smog.
Droopy closed the door again. The Ink and Paint Club did not have a doorman, nor did it need one; Bongo the Gorilla, the club bouncer, made certain only the right people came in, and it was inadvisable to require his "assistance" upon leaving. Nor did Droopy work for the club at all; unlike most of the toons inside, Droopy did not need to moonlight for extra money; the toon basset hound was at the height of his acting career, with a lucrative contract at MGM Studios. Despite his fabulous success, however, he was not permitted inside the Ink and Paint Club. Toons served and cleaned, and performed on the stage, but only real-life humans were welcomed as customers.
Since Droopy could not enter, he stood placidly outside.
The nightclub was not normally open so early on a Saturday afternoon; however, today was an exception. There was a big convention in town, attracting anvil salesmen from around the country, so the club management had demanded their top performers come in for the expected crowd, including their star attraction, Jessica Rabbit.
Jessica Rabbit was a toon human woman with the sort of jaw-dropping body that only exists in fervid imaginations… and cartoons, of course. She wore her usual red dress and purple opera gloves. Her lipstick was as red as could be, her eye shadow a smoky purple. She had finished her show earlier, and was finally ready to leave. As perhaps has been guessed by now, Droopy was waiting for her.
"The answer's still 'no,'" she told him crisply as soon as she saw him. She turned her heel and strode down the sidewalk.
"Shall I walk you home, Jessica?" Droopy offered, hurrying to stay by her side. "Seeing Roger isn't around to escort you?"
"I can make my own way," Jessica told him shortly. "So can you, right?"
Not that she was rid of her admirer that easily. "I really liked your singing of Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend, Jessica."
"And how did you manage to hear it?"
Droopy gave a laconic, jowly chuckle. "Now, Jessica, let's not get nosey!" To break the resulting awkward moment he filled the silence with a compliment. "It's a great song, especially the way you sing it, Jessica, although I guess I'm not a gentleman…"
"You got that right," Jessica interrupted him.
"…because I prefer redheads." Droopy scratched the small tuft of red hair on the tip of his head. His remark was a reference to the popular Broadway musical, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes that had premiered a year earlier. "I bought something for you, Jessica." Droopy had no pockets, but from somewhere he produced a diamond necklace.
"Put that away, Droopy. You know I'm happily married to Roger, and besides, I don't like it when men think they can buy my affections."
"But Jessica, you yourself went on about these being your best friends."
"That was just a song, Droopy." She turned a corner sharply, and Droopy, although still moving lethargically, scurried to keep up with her. "Isn't there some up and coming toon starlet you can awe with your Hollywood connections?" she suggested.
"None that appeal to me like you do, Jessica. Won't you leave Roger and make me happy? I'll make sure you're happy, too," he added, forestalling Jessica's expected reply.
"How do you suppose that would make Roger feel?" Jessica asked archly.
Droopy had no reply to that. Jessica turned another corner. This street appeared abandoned. The Los Angeles smog seemed oddly thicker here, visibility was severely reduced. "Oh, Jessica, why must you be so mean?" Droopy asked sadly.
"Why can't you leave me alone?" suggested Jessica. If the plea for pity in his voice affected her, she did not show it.
"I was really hoping it wouldn't have to come to this," Droopy said tonelessly.
"Come to what?" Jessica demanded, stopping suddenly.
Droopy sprang into action with startling swiftness, all the more astonishing when compared to his earlier listlessness. His body became a blur of motion. A long rope seemed to materialize in his paw, which he wrapped around Jessica, binding her in a series of intricate knots. A thick white cloth covered her mouth, gagging her.
Although Jessica was much taller than Droopy, the small dog had no difficulty lifting her, despite her animated struggles to escape the ropes. As he stood, thinking, he recalled a cartoon in which he had played a small part, binding Jessica to a rollercoaster track. Something like that was called for, he reflected. He trotted down the street, with his forepaws over his head carrying Jessica, and soon disappeared into the smog.
…..
Metal arms snapped like the claws of angry lobsters as they reached to grab log after log, which were tossed onto conveyor belts. Relentless, mechanical teeth then sawed the timber into short, narrow pieces. More machinery finely whittled these miniscule bits of wood, polishing and sharpening them at both ends, before the final product rolled into boxes marked ACME Toothpicks – Cocktail Grade.
"Won't you change your mind, Jessica?" Droopy pleaded.
Jessica looked away, not showing any fear as an arm reached for a log near her. Droopy had reworked her ropes so she stood tied to the fallen trunk of a giant redwood. The series of complex knots started at her ankles and culminated with a wide bow just above her ample bosom. Another arm reached out, grabbing hungrily. It wouldn't be long now before one picked up her log!
"Tell me you'll have me," Droopy continued. He still spoke in his low, slow voice, so his words could hardly be heard. The machinery clanked, whined, and sawed, while the heavy rain thumping on the metal roof added to the din. Jessica understood him well enough, though; it was much the same as he had said to her often enough. She continued to look away from him.
"I've still got this for you," Droopy said invitingly, swirling the diamond necklace. "When I went to buy it, the human in the jewelry store started to order me out, but he became friendly in a hurry when I showed him a wad of cash."
Jessica looked at him finally. She knew well enough the second-class citizen treatment most toons received from real-life humans.
"I can get you more," Droopy announced. "I work for a major motion picture studio, not an independent cartoon maker, like Roger. I know Tex Avery's looking for a gorgeous woman like you to appear in a few of his cartoons. Something to think about." He swirled the diamond necklace again. "This is yours, Jessica, if you'll tell me yes!"
Jessica's green eyes glinted angrily; her expression revealed the words she could not say; something rude she felt he could do with the necklace!
"You'd better think it over fast," Droopy cautioned her. "It won't be long before… oh, dear. There she goes!"
With a startled gasp, Jessica felt herself plucked into the air and placed onto a conveyor belt that lurched suddenly, drawing her forward.
"Too bad it has to end like this," Droopy said sadly.
"Mpfff!" Jessica struggled frantically. There was only a short distance between her orange hair and the whirring machinery!
…..
"Jeepers, Baby Herman, the rain is sure coming down hard! I'm glad we found some shelter!" Roger Rabbit shook himself energetically, sending water flying.
"Yeah, but you don't have to get it all over me!" Baby Herman shouted. "Jeez, my diaper's wet and we don't have a dry one."
"WHAT‽" yelled Roger. "Can't hear you in here with all this noise. Wow, this is a busy sawmill!"
"I said… Roger!" Baby Herman grabbed Roger's arm. "Hey, over there. It's Jessica!"
"Jessica!" screamed Roger. "Don't worry, my love. I'll save you!"
The toon rabbit spun his feet in broad ellipses as he zoomed to his wife's side. "I'll untie these and get you out of here. Ugh!" he exclaimed, tugging on a long, loose rope end near her waist.
"Mpfff!" Jessica called, energetically bobbing her head.
"Nothing's working!" Roger exclaimed in a panic. "Baby Herman!" he called out. "Turn off the switch!"
Baby Herman couldn't hear Roger, of course, but he understood from Roger's gesticulations what was needed. He moved quickly and pulled a large, metal lever, which, conveniently enough, caused all the machinery to whirl to a halt.
"Whew! That was a close call, Jessica," Roger informed Jessica. "Now I have all the time I need to get you free!"
"Hey, you, stop that!" Droopy ordered, brushing Baby Herman aside. He pulled the lever, and the noise resumed. Jessica lurched forward again!
"No!" shouted Roger Rabbit, desperately pulling on the ropes without any results.
"Hey, knock it off, mutt!" Baby Herman growled, pulling the lever back.
"Keep it off, would you Baby Herman?" Roger pleaded. "Jessica's getting p-p-precariously close to the saw!"
"Why did you have to come here and interfere?" Droopy asked petulantly, throwing the lever on again.
"Baby Herman, do something!" Roger shrieked.
The toon baby and dog were locked in a battle for control of the lever. First, one pulled one way, then the other. Jessica was slowly drawn forward as Roger continued his efforts to untie her.
"Let go!" Baby Herman told Droopy angrily.
"No, you let go!" Droopy answered.
They held the lever in the halfway position. Suddenly, the metal rod snapped free and fell from their hands, clattering to the ground… with the machinery in the on position!
"Now there's no way you can turn it off!" Droopy announced smugly.
"Roger! You'd better do something quick!" Baby Herman shouted.
"Mpfff!" Jessica signaled wildly with her head, trying to get Roger's attention.
"No, Jessica, I don't have time to remove your gag now!" Roger shouted, misunderstanding her motions. "I need to do something about these ropes, first! If I pull here… no that's not working! There must be some way to undo these knots!"
Bzz! The saw bit into Jessica's log. She twisted her neck, jabbing downwards with her chin. There were only seconds left!
"Aha!" Roger announced triumphantly, pulling another loose end, only to see nothing happen. He looked up at Jessica's face, finally understanding her actions. "Oh, you want me to pull here!" he exclaimed, reaching for the large bowknot.
The results were instantaneous. Jessica's ropes fell away and she hopped from the log, just before it was reduced to toothpicks.
"My hero!" she exclaimed, giving Roger a tight embrace that turned his eyes into heart shapes. "Come on, let's get out of here. I think the rain's finally stopped."
…..
"What was that dumb dog doing, tying Jessica up like that?" demanded Baby Herman as he followed Roger and Jessica out into bright sunlight.
"I don't know, but he deserves to be taught a lesson!" Roger exclaimed, making tiny fists and swinging his arms wildly. "Ouch!" he exclaimed, as he accidentally popped himself on the chin.
"Yeah, why don't you go back in there and sort him out?" Baby Herman suggested.
"No, Roger, don't bother with him!" Jessica said quickly, but it was too late.
"Yeah, that's a swell idea!" her husband exclaimed. "Come on, Baby Herman, let's go!"
"Hey, don't drag me into this!" the toon baby roared, but Roger picked him up and bounded back into the sawmill.
Jessica tapped a foot impatiently. A minute passed, and then Droopy squeezed out through a narrow crack in the wall. As a toon, he could perform feats such as that, which was how he had managed to sneak into the Ink and Paint Club earlier to hear Jessica sing.
"If I can't have you, no one else will!" he announced, jumping forward. He had bound and gagged Jessica easily enough before; he felt confident he could do so again!
Before he could start, however, she grasped him by the scruff of the neck. "I think we've had about enough of that," she informed him. She dropped him to the soft ground. He bounced up lightly, and, Jessica, drawing back a leg, kicked him high and far so he disappeared over the horizon.
As Droopy sailed through the sky, the diamond necklace fell from his paws, to be lost forever. He landed near a rundown log cabin with a mossy roof. "Oh, boohoo," he cried softly, not so much hurt from the fall, but from realizing he would never win Jessica Rabbit.
The cabin door open and out stepped a gorgeous toon woman, dressed, improbably enough, in a purple party dress, with matching high heels and a ribbon in her stylish, blond hair. "Are you lost, little dog?" she asked, picking him up and ruffling his fur. "What's your name?"
"I'm Droopy, Miss," he replied, too smitten to be offended she didn't recognize him from his cartoons.
"Well, Droopy, I'm Joi. You can stay here with me. Would you like that?"
"Oh, yes," Droopy agreed, wagging his tail.
"This will be your home!" she informed him, placing him on the ground beside a small doghouse. Before Droopy could react, she slipped a collar onto him. "You'll find it nice and snug!" she exclaimed, tying one end of a rope to the collar and the other end to the doghouse.
"Can't I come inside with you?" Droopy suggested, tugging unsuccessfully on the rope.
"Oh, no, doggies must stay outside!" she exclaimed. "And you can stop doing that," she added sharply. "You're not getting that off! I know how to fix things so toons can't escape!"
Droopy gulped, but stopped struggling.
Joi bent over slightly and tapped the doghouse roof. "Peanut, come out and meet your new friend!"
A small earthquake seemed to erupt as a muscular bulldog emerged. "Hello, chum," he said to Droopy in a very unwelcoming voice. He wrapped Droopy in a tight embrace that nearly squeezed all the breath from him.
"Now, you doggies play nice!" Joi told them.
"We will," the bulldog said, watching his mistress disappear back inside the cabin. As soon as the door closed, any pretense of friendliness vanished. He growled loudly and squeezed Droopy harder.
Droopy pulled frantically on the rope, and then stopped abruptly. He stared forward, blinked his eyes sadly, and mouthed the words, "Somebody, help me!"
…..
"I couldn't find Droopy anywhere," said Roger.
"It's okay," Jessica told him. "He won't bother us again."
"Hey, I've got a surprise for you!" Roger announced. "Your new song made me think of something you would like! I was going to show you this when I got back from this camping trip, but since you're here, you can have it now."
"Whatcha get her, Roger, a big rock?" asked Baby Herman, jumping to see what Roger held in his hand. "Hey, those are tickets to a UCLA baseball game! What kind of a dumb gift is that to give a lady?"
"The best kind," Jessica informed the toon baby coolly. She gave Roger an affectionate squeeze. "Mmm, Roger, you do know how to show a girl a good time! I'll certainly enjoy the sight of that diamond!"