A/N: This is as close as I can get to a 'humorous' piece of writing, so I offer my sincere apologies if it doesn't have you rolling on the floor laughing your ass off. I really am.
If you were alive perhaps forty years ago, never mind how long exactly, and you traveled down to England for a while, you might have stumbled over the school known as Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And if, just by chance, you happened to come across this school at one o'clock A.M. on the twenty-ninth of May, you could have caught a glimpse of a not-so-rare event that was taking place on the grounds.
Twenty-two naughty little sixteen and seventeen year-olds, eleven girls and eleven boys, were lying in a circle atop a grassy hill by the silver lake, swapping secrets. Strangely enough, a few of them were acquaintances, or even best friends, but for the most part, they hardly knew each other. They were all snuggled down in squashy sleeping bags, propped up on their elbows, their faces aglow in the light their wands provided.
A few indulged in cigarettes smuggled from home, while others sipped contentedly on a beer or Firewhiskey bought illegally in the village of Hogsmead. All of the alcohol bottles were piled in the center of the circle like a grand lot of plunder, a reminder of the strong need to rebel against the system.
These rebels, however, were doing a great deal more than just drinking, smoking, and swapping secrets; they were playing a game. To be specific, they were playing 'I Never.' Or rather, they were talking amongst themselves as Ophelia, the redheaded ringleader, tried to explain the rules. To someone above, possibly on the roof of the castle or even in heaven, it was like looking down on a play.
"Okay," Ophelia said impatiently. "Everybody shut up for just two minutes while I give the details."
"You shut up, Ophelia; we all know already," James sighed, starting on his third beer.
"I don't," squeaked Peter.
"Then shut the bloody hell up and let me explain!" Ophelia ordered. The group stopped chatting immediately; nobody wanted to cross Ophelia when she started saying 'bloody hell.' "The object of this game," she began dramatically, "is for us to uncover every dirty skeleton that resides within the closets of our peers."
"Um, I don't know what that means," said Ellanora, the beautiful brunette who was a blonde at heart.
"It means that we have to dig up each others' private rubbish, o thick one," Elijah clarified, running her hands though her dirty-blonde hair in an exasperated manner. "It's like your dream come true." Ellanora's hazel eyes narrowed.
"Anyway." Ophelia was still determined to explain the rules. "Here's how it works. We all put out our hands." She spread her pale, manicured fingers on the ground to demonstrate. "Then, we begin our 'I nevers', meaning that somebody comes up with something they've never done. If you've done it, you put your finger down. Like, I'd say 'I never…beat somebody with a broomstick.' If anybody else has done that, they put their finger down. And 'round the circle we go, till some corrupted git's left with no fingers. That corrupted git is the winner…or the loser, depending on how one looks at it." Ophelia, having finishing her explanation, promptly lit a fag.
"What happens next?" Peter asked. Assorted eye-rolls and soft exclamations echoed around the circle.
"Err…the corrupted git gets an extra ration of brandy and we go again. Best out of three," Ophelia said edgily.
"What if we lie?"
"Oh, that won't be happening." Ophelia raised her wand. "Nixxus Fabricus." The wand flickered once and, after several seconds had passed, emitted a single white hummingbird, which flitted into the center of the circle before bursting into thousands of miniscule sparks. The droplets of flame arced out above the students and dusted over their heads, fading to nothing the moment they landed.
"Now…" Ophelia smiled deviously. "If you've done the deed, your finger
goes down. No way around it. Peter, you start."
"Alright," Peter said eagerly. "I…never…er…went to the girl's dormitories."
"What the hell kind of question is that?" McNair folded his thumb against the side of his hand. Everybody else except for Peter had his or her finger down.
"Honestly, who hasn't?" a black-haired Hufflepuff asked, dragging on his cigarette as if it was the only thing keeping him alive.
"Me," Peter pointed out. "The stairs don't work." The students sighed in unison.
"James. Go," Ophelia commanded. James pushed his glasses up, balancing them on his skinny nose.
"I never snogged another boy."
"You have so," Lilly said. "It was a dare, remember?"
"Okay, fine…" James replied. "I never snogged another boy with tongues involved." Ten fingers pressed firmly against their owners' palms. The teenagers glanced around- Arubella and Elijah were the only girls who hadn't put their fingers down.
"But that means…" Arthur's sentence faded as everybody turned to stare at Remus, and Sirius, who, having put their fingers down, looked purely mortified.
"Speak," ordered James, smirking like an idiot.
"No!" Sirius growled, chewing furiously on his cigarette.
"Ah, come on, Black!" James whined, "It's—"
"McNair's turn," Remus interrupted quietly. Sirius winked at his boy-snogging-with-tounges-involved counterpart, but nobody else caught it. McNair lazily knocked back another shot of redcurrant rum and ran his tongue along his lip, smiling serenely.
"I never snogged another boy with tongues involved…in this circle," he hissed. five fingers disappeared, three of which belonged to girls. Once again, Sirius and Remus were the boys with their fingers down.
"Fucker," Sirius muttered under his breath. James clapped his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing but, for once, didn't push the matter. A long and uncomfortable silence hung over the adolescents until Finnegan remembered it was his turn to go. His pearly white teeth flashed in the light as he chewed on his thumbnail, apparently thinking hard.
"I never went swimming naked in the lake with the mermaids," he said at last. Nearly everyone chuckled, not bothering to keep quiet. It was obvious now that all the teachers were asleep- either that or they just didn't give a damn that twenty-two students were outside after hours, each of them breaking enough school rules to be expelled in an instant.
"Did anybody put their finger down for that?" asked Elijah.
"Me," said Adrianna wearily. Quite a few people gasped in surprise.
"Dear God," Finnegan muttered. "How hard is it to come up with one that nobody's done?"
"Adrianna," said James shakily, "what…the…hell?"
"I was skipping charms because Anubis, that sorry excuse for a professor, gave me an 'incomplete' at midterm. It was rather warm outside, and horribly boring, so I just left all my clothes by the lake and went for a swim." Adrianna tossed an empty beer bottle aside.
"But you said you met the mermaids." Molly prompted.
"I did." Adrianna flicked the ash off the end of her fag.
"Then how in the world did you get down there?" said James loudly, opening his fifth beer. "I mean, it's about a billion meters down."
"That's my secret, Jamie," Adrianna said mysteriously.
"Oooh, what were they like?" Ellanora asked excitedly, twirling a lock of hair around her finger.
"Nice," Adrianna said, shrugging. "I couldn't talk to them or anything, but we just swam around and tormented the giant squid. They were a real laugh, actually." Ellanora sighed wistfully at Adrianna's reply.
"It's my turn," called Fletcher. "But Adrianna…"
"Yes?"
"Why did Anubis give you an incomplete?"
"I wouldn't let him have a snog." A chorus of whispers echoed around the circle.
"That's sick…" Elijah whispered. Adrianna shrugged again, apparently unruffled.
"Alright, let's get on with it," said Fletcher in a business-like tone. He paused, muttering to himself for a full thirty seconds before voicing his 'I never.' "I never went swimming naked in the lake with…Lily Evans."
"That's awful!" gasped Aurora.
"Well, I haven't," said Fletcher matter-of-factly.
"You poor lad," laughed James, curling his index finger against his hand. The
pompous smile quickly faded from James' face when he saw two other boys shift around uncomfortably, while Lily's face turned a deep shade of pink.
"You…you are a whore!" James sputtered. "You're a dirty, dirty whore!"
"Oh shove off," Lily sighed. "I've been faithful to you since we've been together, you can ask anyone." James looked around suspiciously, but all of the students seemed in agreement with Lily's statement.
"And it's my turn," Lilly added. James tossed his empty beer bottle aside and reached for the rum, muttering distractedly.
"Say a good one, Evans," teased a pale-faced Ravenclaw.
"I've never…" Lilly hesitated. "Smoked the Mary Jane."
"Smoked the what?" asked Peter, obviously mystified.
"Oh for God's sake, Pettigrew, you know," Sirius snapped, putting his finger down as he spoke. "Northern Lights, grass, Passion Leaf, Happy Leaf, Chocolate Thunder, dope, pot, weed, hemp, sticks…"
"Huh?' Peter stared at Sirius, and then at his index finger, which had curled against his own palm.
"Oh, that's right," Sirius sniggered. "You passed out after the first hit. I remember now…" Both James and Remus raised their eyebrows.
"Oh, don't look so innocent," Sirius growled. "Your fingers are down, aren't they?"
"That they are," Remus murmured, laughing quietly. "I suppose it's my turn…I've never--" A long, piercing cry echoed from the Forbidden Forest, drowning out Remus's words.
"What the hell was that?" Arthur voiced the general question everyone was thinking. The teenagers all drew their wands in nearly perfect unison, listening. A full minute passed, but the forest remained completely silent.
"It's all right," Remus said softly, staring at the top of a distant tree. "It's nothing."
"But what if--" Elijah started to speak.
"It's nothing," Remus repeated. The teenagers cast wary looks at the line of trees bordering the grounds, as if they expected a chimera or a wearwolf to come charging out of the forest any second. Amidst the concern, nobody saw Remus's eyes follow an invisible arc above the castle, or Sirius Black's whispered condolence. After five minutes or so, the Sixth and Seventh Years put their wands away and returned their focus to the game.
"You were saying, Remus?" Ophelia said briskly.
"Ah, yes," Remus said, a roguish smile lightening his usually serious face. "I've never…gotten so drunk that I fell down half the castle's front stairs."
"I thought we were mates, Lupin," James whined, putting his fourth finger down.
"We are," Remus said, looking quite pleased with himself. "I just couldn't resist."
"You fell down half the front stairs?" said Arthur disbelievingly.
"The first half," Sirius reminded. The laughter this time was loud enough to create an echo off the gamekeeper's cabin.
"I do believe it is my turn," James said, still glaring at Remus. The wizarding prodigy finished another sip of Firewhiskey and allowed his gaze to wander around the circle, as if he were a prestigious spy about to reveal vital information.
"I never…gave oral sex on a rollercoaster."
"All right, I'll tell you the story," Sirius sighed.