Things I am not allowed to do on the TARDIS:
1.I am not allowed to use the Science lab to clone Jack.
-The Doctor says there's already one too many
-Even if it was Jack's idea
-Especially NOT if it was Jack's idea
2. I am not allowed to use sexual innuendos near Captain Jack.
-Captain Jack will get ideas
-Captain Jack will give me ideas
-Captain Jack is just one big sexual innuendo waiting to happen
3.I cannot flirt with the Doctor
-Even if it's funny
-It would give Jack too many ideas
4.I am not allowed to start my own religion while visiting the past.
-even if I think it would be funny
-I would not be a good god
5. No, The Doctor cannot make himself invisible, I should stop asking him to do it
-He's not on the run from a guy in horned rimmed glasses and a Haitian.
6.I am not allowed to play YouTube videos on the TARDIS console.
-especially not before going up against Daleks
7. I am not allowed to ask the Doctor about Casanova
-he was not Casanova and I should stop implying it
8. I'm not allowed to bring DW action figures onto the TARDIS.
-Especially if the Master has been shrinking people recently.
-Especially if the Master has been shrinking other companions recently.
-Especially if it's the Rose figure that used to be Lauren Cooper.
9.I am not allowed to have girly sleepovers in the TARDIS, complete with facemasks and nail polish.
-Jack will want to join
-the Doctor will NOT want to join
-the Doctor will really not want to join
-I am to stop asking the Doctor to join
10. I'm not allowed to bring cute alien boyfriends into the TARDIS.
-Jack will probably steal him away from me.
-And the Doctor will be jealous because Jack's not paying attention to his cute new regeneration.
-And I really don't want him moody.
-The TARDIS would blame me for it and I'd be scared for my life.
-Hanky-Panky isn't allowed in the TARDIS anyway.
-And the walls are too thin.
-And I can't be sure that he's completely correct down there.
11. I am not allowed to keep historical figures as pets
-even if Shakespeare was hot
-especially not if Jack approves of this plan
12. Doors are locked for a reason
-the Doctor does not appreciate me kicking down his door at 3 in the morning insisting he join our game of DDR
-even if Jack was the one doing the kicking
13.I'm not allowed to suggest hide and seek in the TARDIS, ever again.
-Jack gets too overexcited
-It does not make the Doctor happy when people get lost in his TARDIS
14. I am no longer allowed to pretend to be "the last of my kind" when meeting new people
-The Doctor says that's not something to be joked about
-he gets really touchy
-And I should not pretend to be an alien in front of humans anyway
15. If the Doctor is in an "emo mood", I am not to offer him some of my nachos.
-Nachos will not make him feel better
-next time try fish and custard instead
15.5. I am not allowed to play "Don't worry, be happy" and "Put on a happy face" when the Doctor is angsty or emo.
16. If Jack dares me to press a button on the TARDIS console, I should NOT do it.
-there's no excuse for ripping apart time and space on a dare
17. I should not tell people I'm the 12th Doctor
-he can't regenerate into a woman
18. Anytime someone says "Doctor" I should not yell "WHO?"
-it is only funny the 1st time.
-nor is it exceedingly clever
is specifically not to be said in a crisis situation
19. A one night stand with Jack will create tensions
-even the TARDIS is too small to live with an ex
20. I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to download iTunes and make a pop music soundtrack for my life.
21. I am no longer allowed to sneak up behind The Doctor and say "Are you my Mummy?"
22. I am not allowed to dye the Doctor's hair pink.
-Even if Jack did dare me to
-He would probably destroy a whole planet because of it
-He might not be able to get it out and would be forced to shave it off.
-And I would feel guilty for the rest of my life.
-And besides, when would I have the chance?
23. I'm not allowed to try to drive the TARDIS by myself.
-Because even the Doctor's steering is erratic and he's been doing this a lot longer than I have.
-Because the instructions are in a language I don't read.
-He doesn't use directions
-Also because I might break something.
-And the Doctor says he's almost out of the Venusian duct tape he repairs the TARDIS with.
23.5. Only experienced time travelers are allowed to drive the TARDIS.
-I am not an experienced time traveler
-even if Jack gave me lessons
-especially not if Jack gave me lessons
-The Doctor says Jack is an experienced time traveler but not an experienced teacher
24. I am not allowed to peek in when the Doctor is showering.
-Even if the door is open.
-Even if he does have a lovely ass.
-But Jack said I could look in at him anytime I liked
24.5. I am not allowed to fake an emergency in the console room while the Doctor is showering so he runs out naked.
-Even if Amy finds it amusing as well
25. The Doctor is not a "dirty old man."
-Neither is Captain Jack
-It's not that they object to being called "dirty", it's that they object to being called "old"
-Even though they are
26. I'm not allowed to mention Wil Wheaton anywhere near the TARDIS
-the Doctor saw the Corrupt a wish thread and shuddered
-Jack never cared for him
-WW's NOT Twelve
-and the TARDIS is too much of a ST:TNG fan for things to go well if I do
27. I am not allowed to show pictures of guys I'd like the Doctor to regenerate into
-He says it's "insensitive."
-He has no control over it anyways.
-Jack agrees with me.
-The Doctor should defiantly turn into Gerard Butler
28. I can no longer mess with Martha's stethoscope
-The Doctor doesn't like me examining the pace of both his hearts while at the console
-Jack totally gets a bit too into it when I examine his heart
-I keep forgetting to put it when it really belongs as well.
29. I am no longer allowed to refer to The Doctor as Captain Tight pants
-Even if his pants are a bit tight
-Even if I think they pinch his bum when he does that move where he's got both hands and a foot working various TARDIS controls
30. I'm no longer allowed to use the Doctor's TiVo.
-Apparently it's rude to tape over his history documentaries with I Love the 80s.
31. Jack's no longer allowed to use the Doctor's TiVo either.
-Even though the TARDIS gets every station, there are some that the Doctor is far too modest to watch.
-And it's no fun watching a Disney movie when it suddenly turns into something a little more XXX rated. For the Doctor. Jack meanwhile...
-Nobody wants burn in of porn on their plasma screen
32. I am not allowed to yell "stat" every time the Doctor asks me to do something
-or when Martha asks me to do something
-I am however allowed to salute Captain Jack whenever I like
33. Under no circumstances am I allowed to taunt the Doctor by standing right up close against the walls of the TARDIS with my face pressed against it howling "Rose, Rose, oh noes! Boo hoo I is emo now!"
-Even if Captain Jack started it.
34. I am not allowed to use "but they do it in Torchwood" as an excuse for my behavior.
35. I will not make dirty jokes about Jack in the TARDIS.
-I will wait until we land back in London
-By which I mean Cardiff
36. I will not put bumper stickers on the TARDIS
-especially not if it say "honk a year ago if you're a time traveler"
-"If this TARDIS is a rockin' don't come a knockin"
-"My other time machine is a DeLorean"
-The Doctor does not find this to be amusing
-He thinks my jokes are childish
37. I am not to go back in time and tell myself about the Doctor and how to annoy him
-he says I'll twice the nightmare I currently am
-Jack thinks it would be a great idea
-Another great reason we can't do it
38. Any idea Jack has is a bad idea...no matter how much fun I think it is
-especially if it makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds.
39. I am not allowed pretend I'm the TARDIS chambermaid.
-Even if the tips are good.
-Even if the Doctor likes the mints I keep leaving for him.
- Even if Jack begs.
-Especially if Jack begs.
-Jack's cute when he begs.
-I love it when men beg.
-What the Doctor doesn't know won't hurt him.
-Unless it will, in which case I should tell him. Quickly.
40. I am not allowed to crank-call Torchwood.
-or UNIT
-or anyone
41. The Doctor will not take me to visit Star Trek, Star Wars, Firefly, or any other Sci-Fi book, movie, comic book, and/or TV show, so I should stop asking.
-The Doctor has explained to me repeatedly the difference between fact and fiction.
42. I will not drink the last beer in the fridge.
-The Doctor always has dibs on the last beer.
-Always
-Captain Jack has also been informed of this.
43. I will not throw wrenches at out allies and call it 'Dalek-Dodge Training'
-Even if Rory was being stupid again
-Especially if The Doctor or Amy are not around
-I will especially not laugh when one actually hits him
44. The Doctor is not going to sing 'A whole new world' to me, and I should really stop asking
-Not even if Amy wants to hear too
-it's not that he's a bad singer
-he just doesn't like to
45. If the Daleks shout 'Exterminate', I will not shout back 'Once more, with feeling!'
-Fighting with Daleks is not a game and they will kill me
-If they can catch me
-The Doctor says I'm not fast enough to get away and I am not an Olympic track runner anyway
-The Doctor is always right
46. Also, when the Daleks say my race is inferior, I will not respond with 'I know you are but what am I?'
-as previously mentioned fighting Daleks is not a game
47. I will stop demanding we go and find Waldo
-Or Carmon Sandiago
-The Doctor says they are both in concealed locations and he's not allowed to show me
-I will stop saying that he just doesn't know where they are
48. Danger is not my middle name, even if the psychic paper says so
-Even if the Doctor has yet to explain to the new companion the function of the physic paper
-It was only funny the first time
49. I am not allowed to encourage the Doctor to lick things for scientific purposes.
-I am not allowed to pounce on the Doctor after failing to adhere to the previously mentioned
50. I am not allowed to ask him what else he has two of.
-I am certainly not allowed to make it a regular joke of mine
-if he did have more than one of something else I do not need to know
51. I am not allowed to leave the TARDIS in a Star Trek uniform and pretend I'm on an away mission.
52. I am not allowed to ask for a Sonic Lightsaber
-Star Wars was fictional
-Besides there is no such thing
53. I am not allowed to hide misplace the Doctor's laundry.
54. I am not allowed to say what the TARDIS really sounds like cranking...
-Nor am I allowed to say what the console reminds me of...
-I'm just not allowed to talk about the console room in general
55. I am not allowed to replace the Doctor's boxers with ones that have bananas on them
-Same goes for ties
-Socks too
-I am just not allowed in his wardrobe period
56. I am not allowed to taunt the Doctor about having poor vision until he starts to wear his Brainy Specs all of the time.
-I am also not allowed to tell him he looks so cute with the specs that he should wear them all of the time.
-He doesn't need any more of an ego boost
-Saving the world every day does enough for that
57. I am not allowed to draw brainy specs on the Doctor's face while he is sleeping
-Sharpie is semi-permanent and he does not enjoy spending hours scrubbing it off his face
-I am not allowed to make fun of how red his face is after having spent hours scrubbing sharpie off his face
58. I am also not allowed to draw 'Property of (My name)' on his face while he is sleeping.
-In fact, I am not allowed to draw on the Doctor, whether he is sleeping or awake
59. I am not allowed to mention the word 'timecock'
- I am certainly not allowed to express interest in it or ask to see it
-I am not allowed to cover up for my use of the word 'timecock' by trying to claim it refers to a male chicken who can travel through time.
60. I am not allowed to inquire about the Doctor's hair care products
61. I am not allowed to run my fingers through the Doctor's hair without his permission.
62. I am not allowed to treat the Doctor's hair as if it is my own personal pet.
-It's disturbing to go around talking to someone's hair like it's going o respond to you
-The Doctor does not enjoy having me put dog treats on his head
63. Naming the Doctor's hair "Sparky" is not acceptable either.
64. I am not allowed to have a pet Dalek on board.
-Especially not if I plan to have said pet Dalek exterminate Rose
-or Martha
-or Donna
-or any of the Doctor previous/present companions for that matter
65. I should not taunt the Doctor about how Amy is ginger and he's not
66. I should also not dye my hair ginger and go around with Amy telling people we're twins
-Even if she likes the idea
-Especially not if Rory approves as well
67. I'm not allowed to travel back in time and spoil the Harry Potter ending for everyone.
68. I am not allowed to run around the TARDIS singing "Dr. Doctor" by Building Rome
-It is not amusing
-I am not taking drugs anyway -hopefully- so no it doesn't go along w/the song
-The Doctor cannot give me proper medical advice for drug addictions anyway
69. I will not snap the Doctor's suspenders
-It makes him think naughty things
-and we don't need that
-we all know the Doctor is not allowed to have a sex drive
-it's simply not possible
-he's wayyyy too old for such things
-even though he is incredibly sexy ;D