Things I am not allowed to do at Torchwood:
Things I'm not allowed to do at Torchwood
1. I am not to continuously bring up the time that Owen opened the rift.
-unless I have a death wish
-I should not have a death wish
2. Jack does not want for me to buy him fluffy bunny slippers every Christmas and I should stop talking about it.
-he is not hiding all the previous pairs I have bought him in the back of his closet
-yes he really did throw them out
3. Whenever I see a cool piece of alien technology I am not to exclaim loudly "this is SO going on my alien scrapbook"
-especially if I actually have one
-or if I post said alien scrapbook online
-YouTube videos of said scrapbook do count
4. I'm not allowed to ask Jack if being immortal means that he can go more than one round.
-even if he's willing to answer
-epically not if he's willing to prove it
-I should not contemplate HOW he would prove it
5. When on a high speed road chase I am not so sing at the top of my lungs "the song that never ends".
-it pisses Owen off
-nobody likes an angry doctor
-especially not if I "accidentally" get shot in the shoulder
-I will not sing in the car again
6. No matter how amusing it is I am not to add retcon to random people's drinks.
-not even if I want to make my evil Aunt forget I exist
-especially not if I want to make Jack forget he banned me from driving the SUV
7. Taunting the resident Weevil "Janet" is frowned upon.
8. I am not to constantly beg Ianto to buy me candies when he goes out to do an around for Jack.
-He's not going to do it and I should give up.
9. I will not defrost Jack's brother to "see how much of a crabby pants he is"...ever...again.
-everybody knows what happened the first time and we do not need any more repeats
10. If asked to fetch a piece of technology I will not return with a piece of paper with a drawing of the Fluxcompasator on it. Nobody thinks it's funny.
11. If I arrive at the Hub before Ianto I should not decorate his work station with hearts and stars. He's not gay and I am not to insist he is.
-even if I've seen him making out with Jack
12. I did not see Ianto singing "I'm walking on sunshine" after a particularly good shag with Jack.
-I should stop telling him how much I loved his singing voice
13. I will never accept Jack's invitation to naked hide and seek.
-Ianto was right he cheats
-this is a whole different level of cheating
14. I do not know how to time travel properly and I will not ask to borrow Jack's vortex manipulator again.
-even if I just want to take a quick trip to meet George Washington
-or Queen Elizabeth
-not even my Great Grandmother
-the answer is always no
15. A weevil will never make for a good pet.
-not even on good Friday
16.I am not allowed to allow to tie Jack up on a Sunday
-Even if I was bored
-Even if he wanted me to
-Even if Gwen told me not to use cable wires as restraints
-Even if it's kind of fun and hot!
17. I am not allowed to wander around Torchwood by myself
-Jack told me about the former operative who wandered around and got to lost they starved to death
-I believe him even if Ianto keeps telling me it's a load of Bollocks
-He did say if I do need to go off on my own, I am to bring a map just incase
-If I don't behave I can't go on missions anymore
18. I will not eat alien anything until I am certain that it won't kill me or make me sick.
-I will not listen to Captain Jack if he says something is safe for me to eat, because his sense of humor is almost as twisted as mine.
19. I must not confuse Captain Jack Harkness with Captain Jack Sparrow
-Even if it's funny
-Even if Jack thinks it's funny
-Because he's not allowed to borrow anyone's mascara either
20. I am no longer allowed to play with Owen's stetscope.
-Jack gets totally too into it when I examine his heart
-Gwen and Tosh disapproves of me using it to try and crack Jack's safe
-I keep putting it away in the wrong place and Owen said it was the "last straw"
21. I am not allowed to insinuate I know what happens to Jack in the far off future.
-It's not nice to lie
-Even if I got a sneak peak from The Doctor
-Spoilers are mean too
22. I am to stop attacking Ianto with marshmallows
-Even if I was bored
-Even if he thought it was funny and tried to catch them in his mouth
-This would cause Jack to get overexcited
23. I do not need to ask why Jack gets over excited so easily.
-He has a penis
-He is from the 51st century
-yes that does cover it
24. I will not feed gummy bears to the aliens.
-Even if they seem to like them
-Especially not if they like them
-It could be dangerous
-No, nobody knows how. Jack won't tell how
25. I am not allowed to ask Ianto to dress up as a secret service man for me.
-Even if he totally reminds me of one
-the same applies for a French maid uniform
-He has better things to do than play dress up for me
-But Jack is more than happy to wear a soldier's uniform with that long coat for me.
26. I am not allowed to tie Ianto up.
-or gag him if he says "I'm sorry"
-or tickle him
-Especially if Jack asks me to
27. I am not allowed to ask Jack about the hand in the jar.
-Or what he does with it
-Owen says I don't want to know
-From the look on his face I think Owen doesn't want to know either
28. Nobody accepts my "but we're Torchwood" excuse for my behavior.
29. I'm not allowed to tell Jack that Torchwood is a "poor man's UNIT".
-Even if Torchwood wishes it was UNIT
-And if Torchwood couldn't take UNIT in a fight even if the whole of UNIT had its hands tied behind its backs
-Not even if Jack spends his evenings writing fan letters to the Brigadier.
-And wishes he could grow a luxuriant moustache like him, but is worried it would come off too Freddie Mercury
30. I am not allowed to have a crush on the Brigadier and be mean to Jack just because he shagged the military love god and I didn't.
-Even if Jack isn't half the man the brigadier is and doesn't deserve his stiff uppery lovin'
31. I am not allowed to tell Jack that the alien containment thing -used to catch the sex alien- looks like a giant condom
-Jack will get ideas
-Ianto and I are still wondering what doesn't give Jack ideas.
32. I'm not allowed to ask Jack if those are Bugle Boy Jeans that he's wearing.
-Even though Owen and Ianto think it's funny.
33. I am not allowed to make coffee.
-Ever
-Just because my coffee looks like coffee, and smells like coffee does not mean it is drinkable
-Not even if I used Ianto special mixture
-It doesn't work right for anyone except him
-He is still annoyed at me for sneaking past his firewall to steal the mixture to begin with
34. I should not drink energy drinks before coming into work.
-Even if I'm really tired because I stayed late
-Even if I'm hung over
-Especially not if I'm hung over
-Not even when called in on a Saturday
35. I should not sneak energy drinks in and mix them with my coffee
-This could create a dangerous effect
-Too much caffeine is dangerous
36. I will not use Owen's scalpel to draw a "pretty picture" on the wall
-Even if Jack thinks it's funny
-I will be the one plastering it
-no Jack will not help me replaster the wall
-No matter how many times I ask him the answer will still be no
-I can ask Ianto though because he is a big squishy teddy bear
37. I should not continue to leave my computer monitor on
-Ianto has told me a million times that it upsets the Pterodactyl
-I should not enjoy upsetting the Pterodactyl
-It makes Ianto cranky with me
38. I will stop coming on to Ianto in front of Jack
-Jack gets jealous
-It also gives him ideas
-I do not want to know what kind of ideas and should stop guessing how his sick mind works
39. When asked to get something for Gwen I should not make bunny noises
-She knows her teeth are a little messed up in the front
-It's rude
-Jack wil send me to the corner if I do it again
40. Tosh does not speak anything besides English and Japanese and I should stop saying everything to her in various other languages
-Just because she's asian does not mean she speaks any of the following Korean, Chinese, Vietmanise, or Indian.
41. If I can be part of a team that saves the universe, I can kill a spider in the bathtub by myself
-Yes weevils and spiders are completely different things but Weevils can kill me a spider cannot
-It wasn't a poisionous spider
-I will stop attempting to convince everyone it was
-Only Ianto believes me